To want to meet a wealthy man

[Whatsthematterwithyou]

Is there anything wrong with it?

I wish I’d made different decisions when younger and considered ambition and drive when looking for a partner.
I met my ex in my teens and was with him until two years ago (I’m 44 now)
I’m single now with a young dd. I live abroad around a very wealthy area and it’s all I see.
I have always worked hard, in a satisfying role that makes a difference, but ultimately doesn’t pay massively well, I adore my job and get by okay.
I keep thinking about going out in my area/going to the local gym, in the hopes of meeting a wealthy man. It’s not just about the finances…it’s the ambition, drive, likely intellect etc
Is this wrong to think like this/want this?

I think there’s a huge spectrum between marrying a man with decent earning potential and doing a Melania Trump.

I deliberately avoided the workshy, weed smokers, heavy drinkers, gamers and the everyone-else’s faulters.

I didn’t fall in love with dh’s bank balance (it wasn’t all that anyway) but I would definitely have been turned off by any of the above. The fact that he had ambition, drive and strong family values were very attractive. We’re comfortable for now, but I’ve always known that if we fell on scary times he’s the kind of man I’d like by my side, and I hope he’d say the same about me.

It’s perfectly ok to look out at the world and set your standards - women don’t owe every passing loser a chance just because.

I'm married. But the only two men I sometimes get a pang about and wonder "what if?" are the two rich ones. 😆 I find myself dreaming not so much if being with them, but of the huge house we'd live in and all the holidays we'd go on.

I'd say, marry/date for love but to a nan who clearly has the brains and balls to earn well. It's as easy to love a rich bloke as a poor bloke.

Be an independent woman. This is 2022. Jesus.

Yes, especially because she, as she has admitted, was 'bartering' with depreciating assets. Most women are young and fertile at some point, and being 'attractive' (as opposed to stunningly beautiful) is quite commonplace too. Whereas the ability to earn a high salary is a quality which generally, though obviously not always, increases over time.

Is this wrong to think like this/want this?

No, but do you have what it takes to land a man like this?

Mid-40s and having a child are quite the handicaps, in this particular regard.

I don't actually blame you. I knew a few women that set out to marry wealthy men and they live an incredible lifestyle

Well, no harm in trying to meet them. But there's no telling whether you will end up forming a successful relationship with them.

@Carrotmum

Don’t you think that a man who has money or has a well paying job wants to be with someone who likes him rather than the size of his wallet?
Being brutality honest if he’s the type of man who doesn’t care about that and is happy to be with someone who is in it for the money I’m not sure that a 44 year old woman with a young child would be his first choice.

+++

I also agree with this excellent summary.

I would also like to add that you don't get some something nothing.

The reason this type of man will still chose to be with you, knowing (or even a strong suspicion) that you are primarily with him for his money, will (in his mind ) be because he will think he "owns " you just like his flashy car etc and that he can do whatever he likes because he knows you won't leave because you are there for the money.

As an anecdote I had a friend (married to a wealthy man) whose mother was quite ill (in another country) and she wanted to fly out to be with her as soon as possible.

Her husband objected on the basis of who would look after their (young) children whilst she was away (clearly not him because that was his wife's job and he was far too busy with his job).

She then set about trying to get the children out of school and organise flights so that the children would go with her as well. In the time she spent organising this her mother died.

Of course she still stayed with him but it cut her really deep, he doesn't care or feel remotely guilty and I would say she is deep down very unhappy despite the material trappings and cheery face she presents.

There is a price for everything and be careful what you wish for.

Well this one obviously doesn't, does she?

She's indulging herself in a job she's passionate about and expecting someone else to bankroll her's and her daughter's lives.

Despite the 'opposites attract' myth, and despite the Mills & Boom plots about mega wealthy men marrying penniless orphans, people generally marry people who are similar to them in terms of age, income, education and socio economic background. There are exceptions, obviously, but I would bet that if you look around at the married couples of your acquaintance, you'll find this to be true. Money marries money. Most of the time.

Of course, some rich men are looking for trophy wives but realistically, if you're in your 40s and have a kid, that rules you out. Not saying that you can't still be very attractive in your 40s, but for men who want trophy wives, youth itself is the attraction.

Being honest with yourself, what do you have to offer to a very wealthy man in search of a wife?

Perhaps

but by marrying a very wealthy (and thankfully very decent man) and then divorcing (decent but impossible to live with!) I am now able to work part time, see my children in superb private education, live in a beautiful home and not have money worries.

From what I read on mumsnet, this is is polar opposite experience for many other single mums

There's some pretty sweeping generalisations about wealthy men. I know plenty who are decent people, not a*holes who treat their partners disrespectfully.

Some are divorced with kids so wouldn't rule out a partner in their 40s with kids. I can't imagine any of them going for a partner 20 years younger, partly as they'd look out of place at corporate social events. They want someone who can make appropriate conversation and is comfortable mingling with their friends and work colleagues.

I've worked in investment banking which has a high proportion of wealthy, alpha male types and I can't think of anyone married to a trophy wife, and certainly not one that's young enough to be their daughter. I'm not saying they don't exist but neither is every wealthy man in that category.

if you're in your 40s and have a kid, that rules you out.

I made this point earlier. I suspect the ship has sailed op.

whilst my ex did undoubtedly love me and liked fact we were able to chat and laugh together and shared similar views etc.

the fact I was 10 years younger, in my mid twenties, no responsibilities and very attractive was absolutely a major factor

20 years later…. I wouldn’t stand a bloody chance!!

It's not always easy. I was married to a man for 16 years who was self employed and spent his life trying to make a unviable business profitable. I worked full time and raised kids as well as he was working 50+ hrs a week. It never was enough to support us and ultimately was a major factor in the end of the marriage.

Subsequently I have met a man who earns a lot (£200+). I can't lie it's a dream to not worry about how to make money stretch until the end of the month, to be able to travel where we like, to not always have to filter search results but cheapest options first.... But I also struggle with the fact I am now by far the lower earner. That he has a lot of power over our lifestyle that is beyond my control (he never makes me feel like this but I do think of it often). I still work FT as I want to have options and not be beholden to any man. I love him for his drive, ambition and intellect but I'd be lying if I said the income level doesn't make life infinitely easier. So no it's not a bad thing to want to be in a relationship with a high warning man or woman but it shouldn't be the be all and end all and maintaining independence is key

What are you bringing to this potential relationship? Most wealthy / successful men will be astute enough to spot a gold digger, they will be looking for someone successful in their own right, too 🤷🏻‍♀️

I say this as I’m a high earner and wouldn’t have entertained dating DH if he hadn’t have had a decent income, owned his own home and no debt. I put a lot of effort into getting where I am, I wasn’t about to get involved with someone who might hold me back.

Would you have considered your DH if you had been on a low income and not owned your own home?

Before I started dating my current partner(been together 12 years) I was dating a banker from London. He was from a very wealthy family, they were very successful, lived in a mansion and drove Aston Martin and Bentleys. Complete opposite to my family. This guy has now taken over the families 80 million pound business, I do often wonder what it would have been like if I had ended up marrying him, but honestly I don't think I would be happy. Money isn't everything! I would rather be happy and skint, than sad and rich. A man being wealthy doesn't necessarily mean he would be an amazing partner.

Sorry to be blunt but how many rich men do you see chosing a 44 year old woman with a child when there are 20 somethings drooling over them?

I suspect that wealthy men generally have less time to spend with their families than men with average incomes. I’d rather have an available partner than an affluent lifestyle.

Yes PP is right. A man like that means you need to bring something to the table. You're not 25 anymore which would have been reason enough at one point. I rode that wave too in my youth but at this point what else can you reasonably bring to the table.

They might superficially have an incredible lifestyle but are they happy with the man they married? In my younger years, I married a man who was really wealthy even though I have a regular job. Some of his friends were lovely but a lot of them were full of themselves and
boring. I felt really out of place a lot of the time and it affected our relationship. We divorced. I'm with someone new who is my equal in everything. It's much better this way.

You're absolutely right in saying that not all - or even most - rich men are looking for a trophy wife.

But if a man is looking for a genuine partner, isn't he going to want someone with whom he has things in common? Which will usually mean a woman from a similar educational and/or professional background to himself. Of course falling in love isn't an exact science, but to be frank I doubt too many very wealthy men will find a single mum in her 40s to be a great catch.

I went to a very rich university and there were highly intelligent women students who had it very clear in their mind that the degree was just a stepping stone to a rich husband. Even at 18 it sort of horrified me, probably because I came from a very different background and my dad died young, so I only really had the role model of women doing for themselves. I think I'd be incredibly uneasy to be in a relationship with someone much richer. I'd constantly feel like I owed them, like I had to keep up my end of some uneven exchange. Quite possibly this is my own issues/complexes and this hypothetical rich man wouldn't think anything of the sort, but I'd hate it. I need to earn provide for myself in order to feel comfortable and free.