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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH taking the piss a bit

136 replies

Lionela · 30/07/2022 20:52

So, my DH plays sport twice a week and goes out whenever he wants. He also watches sport at the weekend. I need to know that I am not being unreasonable as I feel as though he is never here but I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything. This weekend he has gone to a festival, left yesterday and back tomorrow. I feel so lonely and feel like I need more support with the kids (5 and 2). I feel like I am falling out of love with him, he Will just say I am being unreasonable so it’s pointless talking.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 30/07/2022 20:54

Do you get equivalent kid free time (and funds) to do what you want to do? If not then he is absolutely taking the piss!

rahjama · 30/07/2022 20:55

As above. Do you get the same child-free time where you can go out with your friends while he stays and looks after them?

Ontomatopea · 30/07/2022 20:56

Ask when you get to go out

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2022 20:57

He’s living like a single childless man. He’s selfish. He doesn’t want to be at home with you and his children and that’s got to really hurt - before you even consider what a dick he is spending what must be shit loads of money on stuff that only benefits him and leaving you to do all the work.

What would you miss if you were a single mum officially rather than just unofficially?

D0lphine · 30/07/2022 20:57

How much has he spent this year on his hobbies?

How much time has he spent this year on his hobbies?

Have you spent similar time and money on yourself or not? If not how much time and money have you spent on yourself this year (roughly)?

Rafting2022 · 30/07/2022 20:57

What is the point of him?

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 30/07/2022 20:58

I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything.

"Psycho wife"... Is that something he calls you if you ever speak up? That's pretty worrying, if so. You're most definitely not being unreasonable.

DelilahBucket · 30/07/2022 21:01

My DH has several hobbies, some are at days and times, some are ad hoc, as well as days/evenings out with his mates. I also have several hobbies, some set days and times, some ad hoc and I go out with my friends. We both check with the other that nothing is planned before making arrangements.
If that is only one sided it leads to resentment, so get some hobbies OP and go out with your friends. If he starts getting funny about it, then you know you've got a problem.

Googlecanthelpme · 30/07/2022 21:01

well youre not being unreasonable no, you know that. But he will try and gaslight you into believing that you are.

You are both parents and so outside of work, should have the same amount of free time and do the same amount of grunt work in the house and with kids.
Sure it’s not always balanced, not always exactly equal but overall it should be.

So your partner is not supportive, doesn’t do his fair share and makes you feel shit when you try to talk to him? There’s really only one option in my eyes - you put the ultimatum out there, he learns to balance his time better and put his family first (which doesn’t mean he can’t go out, but means he doesn’t just do whatever he likes and you get equal free time where he takes care of the kids) or you split up.
He doesn’t sound mature enough to even be a parent and partner - he needs to get his shit together

rahjama · 30/07/2022 21:05

Agreed that he's acting like a single, childless parent. In my opinion, what you've described is exactly how my 21yo goes about his life.

I couldn't imagine being with someone who buggers off so frequently with his mates and expects me to do all the childcare alone.

SunshineLaughter · 30/07/2022 21:11

Right, you need to plan a few days or nights out for yourself. Plan well ahead. Tell him about it and put it in the calendar so he knows about it and cannot book something at the same time. Invite a friend out for a drink or a movie. Try one of those paint and drink nights. Book a spa session. Join a book club. Plan to do at least 2 things a month so he realises you need a social life too! And he needs to act like a husband and father!

Cuppaand2biscuits · 30/07/2022 21:14

Are you married to my husband? I ask as I sit here on my 3rd consecutive weekend where he's been away and I've been at home.
Our children are older than yours but still primary school age so require a lot of attention. If anything his hobbies and weekends away have become more frequent as the kids have got older.
Makes no difference if he's away for the weekend or not because he wouldn't be at home with us anyway.
I work part time, he works full time, I think that's how he justifys it.
He's here because he pays the mortgage and I couldn't afford to.

Original poster
Lionela · 30/07/2022 21:30

@Cuppaand2biscuits your situation sounds identical to mine. I am literally fed up of it. He is literally oblivious to it which I find really odd. How can you possibly think a family with young children can work like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lionela · 30/07/2022 21:31

To be fair yes I get to do what I like (when there is free time), I would honestly rather spend that time as a family with the kids. We obviously don’t want the same things.

OP posts:
catandcoffee · 30/07/2022 21:32

He's basically living the single life with sex and food thrown in.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 30/07/2022 21:36

You've hit the nail on the head, you don't want the same things.
I don't want the same free time, I want him to enjoy some family time with us, or to invite me on one of his many trips to the pub.
The last weekend he was at home I asked if he wanted to take the kids out somewhere for the afternoon he said he didn't have time and gave me £60 instead.
Mine will be present if I command it, and he doesn't miss anything at school if I make it clear it's important but he would never suggest doing anything as a family.

Original poster
Lionela · 30/07/2022 21:42

@catandcoffee sex is dwindling at such a rapid rate.

OP posts:
RenegadeMatron · 30/07/2022 21:44

Lionela · 30/07/2022 21:42

@catandcoffee sex is dwindling at such a rapid rate.

And he wonders why….

vaingina · 30/07/2022 21:45

Good heavens! Did you both want children? What on earth does he think a father is? How did this happen?

Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 10:03

I sent him a text last night, his reply was that I am never happy with what he does and who he does it with. He said said if I am so u happy with my life and jealous then it is only my fault as I won’t do anything about it.

OP posts:
FullBush · 31/07/2022 10:09

He sounds contemptuous towards you.

The whole… ’It’s your fault you’re unhappy’ stinks of a self-righteous, selfish cunt who has no interest in your happiness.

MangoBiscuit · 31/07/2022 10:11

Do something about it then OP. Get rid of this ridiculous man-child.

Fireflygal · 31/07/2022 10:11

@Lionela, His message shows no empathy and he is blaming you for your very reasonable feelings.

What was his family life when growing up? Was his father family orientated?

I can't see how a dad & husband can book a weekend at a festival without considering his family. I think he is checking out or has already checked out.

Please don't even think in terms of "crazy" wife. It an abusive term that often men use in response to their wife being upset by their behaviour.

Do you have access to money?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 31/07/2022 10:11

Some couples, even couples with children, have lots of time apart and spend lots of time doing their hobbies or going out, leaving the other to solo parent, and they then swap over. It's not necessarily bad or wrong as long as both partners are happy with it.

However, you're not happy and that's the problem, but he may not be willing to change.

I suppose you need to decide whether it's something you can live with or not.

Softplayhooray · 31/07/2022 10:12

Lionela · 30/07/2022 20:52

So, my DH plays sport twice a week and goes out whenever he wants. He also watches sport at the weekend. I need to know that I am not being unreasonable as I feel as though he is never here but I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything. This weekend he has gone to a festival, left yesterday and back tomorrow. I feel so lonely and feel like I need more support with the kids (5 and 2). I feel like I am falling out of love with him, he Will just say I am being unreasonable so it’s pointless talking.

If there's a psycho spouse stopping the other from doing their thing then it's your H, as him doing all this prevents you from leaving the house to do anything for yourself. But Moines a psycho really, your H is just being very selfish. Tell him you need a balance so you get the same social time out and go do a sport or activity you love, too.

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