To think DH taking the piss a bit

[Lionela]

So, my DH plays sport twice a week and goes out whenever he wants. He also watches sport at the weekend. I need to know that I am not being unreasonable as I feel as though he is never here but I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything. This weekend he has gone to a festival, left yesterday and back tomorrow. I feel so lonely and feel like I need more support with the kids (5 and 2). I feel like I am falling out of love with him, he Will just say I am being unreasonable so it’s pointless talking.

It is so frustrating that as women we're conditioned that asking for what we need is 'nagging' or 'psycho' or 'controlling'. And men apparently aren't taught that carrying on your life as if you don't have kids when you're a father is selfish, unsupportive and unfair.

I would feel as you do. I don’t really get the tit for tat answers, as in he was away for a weekend so make sure you get a weekend away, well I understand that thinking to a point, but it wouldn’t be a solution to me. I am like you, more interested in time together than making sure I get time away.

But from your other posts, your husband doesn’t seem to value the relationship or time with you very much. I think you would be better off cutting him loose, well maybe it wouldn’t even make that much if a difference even.

He has given you free reign to do what you want, he said you need to do what makes you happy. So do that, i.e book yourself a weeks holiday with girlfriends. If he complains tell him it was his idea you do what want and now he is just jealous.

But seriously, if what you want is an unselfish partner who is equally involved in family life I suggest you tell him that. And if he cannot deliver on that, then the relationship is over so you can find someone who can.

This relationship sounds fairly doomed to be honest. He doesn't want to be with his family and appears to have checked out.

So sorry for you OP

Hmm…..sounds similar to the behaviour of my now ex-partner, father to our 2 girls…….

Yes. The ‘psycho wife’ fear is very telling of the general atmosphere of misogyny really.

Expecting your husband to participate in family life and do his fair share of the work is not being a ‘psycho’. But men who aren’t doing this are often very good at pretending their wife is being ‘controlling’ in expecting them to fulfil their responsibilities.

Sounds like you'd be happier without him. and if he has the children EOW, you'd get more of a break than you are now.

So do something about it.

File for divorce.

This man has no respect for you or your children and he adds zero to the family. Life will be much easier without him.

Yeah I agree it’s him being controlling as he is effectively deciding your time for you as childcare, I bet he never asks if you mind having the kids or if you already have plans. Whereas you would have to book his time well in advance if you want to go out.

Your OH is unreasonable, that’s a given. However, I note your kids are 5 and 2. My OH was similar, possibly not as bad, when my child was that age. He also used to say it would be fine if I did the same. I didn’t want to do the same; I wanted just some time alone. No drama. No big nights out with the friends I don’t have (this made me feel shit too) or ‘spa weekends’ away. Just some time when I wasn’t responsible for anyone but me. I was exhausted. Never happened but as my child has got older he does more and more with them, probably more than I do at this stage. So, what do I do with this new found time? Sadly, I now look after an elderly parent; selfish sibling does FA. I’m not rock bottom tired as I was 5 and under though.

When we had the first child, my husband was like this. Behaving like a responsible free man, football on Sundays and drinks on Friday evenings (which left him wiped out Saturdays). I wasn't happy at all. I told him, he needed to choose one family day at the weekend, and spend it with us, without a hangover. He dropped the football on Sunday, and spent those with us. You need to give him an ultimatum, it's not normal for a father/husband to spend all weekends with his mates, on a regular basis.

Your life will be better without him.

I was “on your side” until you used the horrible expression “psycho wife”. Horrible.

Your husband is a twat

The only answer to this is that he’s left you with only one thing you CAN do about it, and to not bother coming back

You should be more on her side now. The use of that phrase shows how conditioned she is to not ever speak up against a man.

My husband used to go to the club and play snooker on a wednesday, football train on a thursday, go out to the pub with his mates friday and saturday night. Saturday afternoon he would play football.
Sunday lunchtime would be spent at the pub and I would pick him up around 2.30. I worked in the evenings Sunday Monday and Tuesday. If we had friends round the men would 'pop off' to the pub to buy cigarettes or have a swift half.... 3 hours later it would be sorry we're late...hahaha.
I eventually realised where we stood in the pecking order of his life and we divorced..He didn't want to change and had no interest in family life sadly.

His response is fairly clear. He's expecting you to be jealous of his life, it hasn't even occurred to him that it should be your life as a family. He has utterly checked out. No togetherness or in it together from him.

i read her fear of being labelled a ''psycho wife'' ie, it's coming from him, how he controls her. Don't ask for anything or you're a ''psycho wife''.

heaven forbid.

@Lionela this will continue as long as you tolerate it.

Time to ask yourself the tough questions.

For me, these tough questions were
Did I care more about appearing to be happy or actually being happy?
Was I ashamed of being single, starting again as a single mother? There is baggage there so it takes strength to hold your head up high and present yourself as starting from scratch as a single mother imo.
Would I be lonelier with him or without him?
Is my confidence being eroded for the sake of appearances, ie, while I figure out the answer to question one, am I damaging the part of myself that could create a better life?

This is a horrible text from him but the best strategy is to agree with him, when he comes home say ''you're right. I need to do things. I need to plan. So I will be away next weekend while I think. Thank you for making me see I need to be proactive and put myself first''.

Although, as @Onlyforcake does spell out, he has checked out really. He sees himself as happy, building his life. He wants you to build a separate life. He doesn't think that there should be some overlap, ie, family time. That's not what he's talking about. Yes you could INSIST on disappearing every second weekend, but although it'd be a break for you, it'd still be very fractured and there'd be no family life there because he just doesn't want that, isn't looking for it, isn't missing its absence.

Is he angling for you to throw him out?

Ultimately it sounds as though you both want very different things from a relationship?
Clearly unfair that he expects the default of child-care falls to you and he is free to make all his arrangements for his (single) social life.
Get a wall calendar, insist that he arranges with you when he WISHES to go out. The same for you. Make sure it's as 50-50 as it possibly can be. This is your relationship to. I'm guessing that it will get pretty heated when you attempt this, given his attitude to you as PP have pointed out.
Would marriage counselling be an option?
Then next steps: see a solicitor, look on the law society website for one that will do a free 30 minute consultation, to help you consider your options. A financial advisor might also be a good idea. Armed with this knowledge you can think about if this relationship is one you want long-term.
See your GP, or speak to Women's Aid, if you think you might be experiencing emotional abuse. Try this link to assess if this might be the case.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/
It can help to keep a diary (maybe in the noted section on your phone) note what happens, what he says and importantly how it makes you feel.

Good luck with whatever decision or path you choose.

He’s a useless, selfish cunt.

I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything

It really saddens me deeply that women have been coerced into buying into this bullshit misogynistic rhetoric trotted out by feckless, selfish men who have no interest in being good fathers and partners and just want to do what they want, when they want.

Your DH is an arse.
A selfish arse who clearly thinks childcare is none of his business

That is all