To think DH taking the piss a bit

[Lionela]

So, my DH plays sport twice a week and goes out whenever he wants. He also watches sport at the weekend. I need to know that I am not being unreasonable as I feel as though he is never here but I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything. This weekend he has gone to a festival, left yesterday and back tomorrow. I feel so lonely and feel like I need more support with the kids (5 and 2). I feel like I am falling out of love with him, he Will just say I am being unreasonable so it’s pointless talking.

Go back to work. Your kids aren't tiny babies any more, so get your 2 year old in nursery or with a decent childminder, and go full-time. Obviously you split childcare costs in the same way you split all the other household bills (please tell me you split household bills fairly according to proportion of income). That way, you broaden your horizons, have better earning power going forward, and won't be so dependent on your nasty DH.

He also ‘forgets’ to let me know what time he is coming home as apparently he is just too focused on getting home, he makes
me feel like this is all me. I am not saying he isn’t a nice guy because he is, a good father, husband….no way in my eyes

He's not a good father or husband if he's never there. Does his responsibilities end at paying the bills?

He doesn't sound mature enough to be a parent.

Do you spend time together as a family, such as days out I think the weekend?

Is there actually free time for you to do it?

I know several women whose partners play the “well you can do that too” line, but in reality between the kids, work, and the already booked stuff of their partner that’s actually bullshit.

Why don’t you go out and do more stuff for yourself OP seeing as you’ve admitted it’s an option?

When you talk to him about this how are you phrasing it?
aaying ‘I don’t want you going out as much ir going out with x or doing x’ isn’t going to be recieved very well.
maybe you could phrase it as ‘I’d like us to spend more family time together, can we do x every week, or can be be here to do bath time or let’s go away to a family friendly festival’ etc? He might be more receptive to doing suggested things rather than being told not to do other things?
he’s still being crap but if you change how you deal with him you might get better results?

He’s a selfish bastard who shouldn’t have had kids.

So he’s entitled, rude and doesn’t like spending time with his young children, what a prince among men….. yanbu obviously.

@LuckySantangelo35 I am quite content with how my social life is at the min. I go out with the girls when I feel the need to. Since having kids I am far more interested in doing things as a family. Even he he just took the kids out so I can just be alone (I think I would prefer that than going out)

Does he ever do anything with the kids alone? Sounds like he’s not at all bothered about spending time with you, with his kids or as a family all together.

When you say you can also go out when you like, is it usually when the children are in bed or is it a Saturday morning at 8am? Maybe you should start doing the latter so he can spend some quality time with his children.

Sounds like you have become the default parent whilst he continues on with a child free single life... like live in help!

His message is contemptuous .

I would continue to message him , he doesn't get to shut down how you feel just because he is away .

Sounds like he isn't interested in family life at all....that won't change.

How long are you prepared to put up with being the family drudge for? Your husband is taking the piss. Maybe it’s time to remind him if you split up you’d have every other weekend free as he’d be with the children? Is he prepared for that or would he like to start being more considerate?

I know you want family time but book a bunch of evenings and weekends away anyway or start a couple of weekly hobbies. Go and rediscover yourself and I bet it will give you clarity. And might give him some too.

ExH was exactly the same. prioritised his needs above mine and his children.

Looking at the picture you paint, it sounds a bit doomed. He’s never ever going to change: people don’t. You might be more compatible with someone else eventually. You have decades ahead with him. Can you bear to live like this for decades?

I don't understand how it can work if you each go out on your own whenever you want without consulting each other. What would have happened if you had also gone out overnight the same day he went to the festival? Is there a live-in nanny or au pair or another adult in the house who is there for the children no matter what?

You should each be spending as much time as you reasonably can with the children; he certainly should be doing his half of childcare whether or not that's together with you or separately. If he doesn't want to spend time with you, or doesn't enjoy doing the same things, that doesn't let him off his obligations as a father. Being "a psycho wife" isn't really the issue right now, being a crap father is. Tell him that whenever he goes out without having arranged in advance for the children to stay with you, they automatically go with him.

I am not saying he isn’t a nice guy because he is... Why do people always say this on here when describing consistently awful, selfish behaviour over a long period of time? He got married, he had children, and he treats his wife like crap and children like they're someone else's. Whatever else he does in other areas of his life, he's not fundamentally "nice".

If it is pointless talking to him, the relationship is at the brink of over. I would either schedule in a couple counselling session, with your concerns written down so you do not het flustered, or pencil in a time to discuss it over the kitchen table yourselves.

this isn't working for me or for the children. I feel you are not prioritising family time. When you do x we are impacted in this way… This makes me feel x .

The fact he dismisses you so callously and isn’t willing to discuss your issues is all the proof he doesn’t care about you.

It’s time to leave him and I suspect you know it.

Even he he just took the kids out so I can just be alone (I think I would prefer that than going out)

I would tell him this and ‘book it in’.

It sounds like you are able to go out as much as you want but you just don’t want to - which isn’t really his fault.

I think you need to draw up a schedule so he’s getting his free time but you’re also getting your free time and family time.

E.g everyday Sunday is family day and then take in turns where every other Saturday is your child free day.
So next Saturday DH can take them out for the day or you go out and then the following Saturday you take the kids out or DH can go out.

This should be flexible but it sounds like it’s unfairly balanced and so although it seems silly, having a schedule could help you.

Sounds like he regards you as the domestic drudge and free childcare whilst he gets on with his life.

I don't think he much likes you OP. He certainly doesn't respect you.

He's selfish.

This a hundred times. He's having his cake and eating it -;and making trifle with it as well. He isn't going to change.