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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH taking the piss a bit

136 replies

Lionela · 30/07/2022 20:52

So, my DH plays sport twice a week and goes out whenever he wants. He also watches sport at the weekend. I need to know that I am not being unreasonable as I feel as though he is never here but I don’t want to be a psycho wife who never lets their DH do anything. This weekend he has gone to a festival, left yesterday and back tomorrow. I feel so lonely and feel like I need more support with the kids (5 and 2). I feel like I am falling out of love with him, he Will just say I am being unreasonable so it’s pointless talking.

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Datgal · 31/07/2022 21:42

Better a broken one than one where their mum is so unhappy. I be beside myself if I knew my mum had stayed in a relationship for 'the kids'. Just get rid of the useless fucker and try and get some happiness back. That's worth more to kids.

peaceandove · 31/07/2022 22:14

This sounds identical to my FIL. He was basically a married bachelor. In the pub 5 nights a week. Going to the races at the weekend. Watching cricket every weekend in the Summer and rugby every weekend in the Winter. He never went to a single parents' evening, sport's day, prize giving, assembly, school fair, the list goes on and on. DH played 3 sports at county level, but FIL never once watched him play. He barely attended DH's graduation ceremony (arrived very late, left very early).

I genuinely don't know why he had 3 children? He just had nothing to do with them. He paid the mortgage and all the bills, but that's where his responsibility as a parent ended.

A lot of parents just never bond with their children. Don't invest in them. Don't care about them. They're not evil people. They're just uninterested. They often treat their partner in much the same way. Just because you had a wedding doesn't automatically mean you have a marriage.

Both you and your children deserve so much more.

LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 22:17

Lionela · 31/07/2022 21:34

Please help me be strong. I don’t want want the kids to be from a broken family.

Even if he stayed it is broken as that is not how well-adjusted functioning families work.

where has he gone? Because he has gone fast and easily…

hulahooper2 · 31/07/2022 22:18

My husband was exactly the same , out all the time , then decided he actually wanted to be single

FunsizedandFabulous · 31/07/2022 22:28

You might not know it now @Lionela but you're better off in the long run. He was never going to change.

Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 22:45

He is making me question myself and my beliefs….is this what they do?

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Popcorning · 31/07/2022 22:52

My only comment (other than don’t accept less than you want/deserve) is stay calm in your communication. Do not give him opportunity to put this on you for being unreasonable as this is not how he gets to play it out.

You calmly say I need you to be a present parent. We each need our own time/friends but family comes first and it doesn’t feel like I or the kids are prioritised. I need X for this to work so you need to think what you want etc. Do not get into a debate/argument. You state clearly what you and the kids deserve. He either meets that or he knows the consequences.

Stay strong OP. Can only imagine how hard this is.

JustLyra · 31/07/2022 22:57

Lionela · 31/07/2022 21:05

He has just said to me that I will miss out as I won’t see the kids for 3 days a week and the kids will kiss out on me too because I can’t be a team.

He’s not going to take the kids 50/50 for more than a couple of weeks at most.

men who don’t regard their wife and kids when they all live together don’t suddenly become devotees long term when they leave.

he’s threatening you with that to try and emotionally blackmail you into staying

CactusBlossom · 31/07/2022 23:06

And the plus side of this relationship for you is...? Does he do anything around the house, cook, clean, DIY...? Or just goes out whenever he feels like it? Sounds like you have three children. He has got away with this for so long, there isn't much on an incentive for him to change.

Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:42

No doesn’t help with DIY or clothes or cleaning

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Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:45

He said I am going to damage the kids if I don’t be part of the ‘team’ as he and I will be a ‘team’ forever

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wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 23:48

Tell him you're going to sleep and don't want to talk any more tonight.

Then put your phone on silent and try to rest.

He's a head fuck. The more you talk to him, the more likely it is he'll convince you that you're the unreasonable one.

You aren't.

Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:49

My daughter said she misses her dad this evening, what do I tell her in the morning as I said she will see him then? If she misses him what the hell am I doing?

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Original poster
Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:53

I’m sick of him telling me I am the bad person, He is making me question myself so much. We are supposed to be going away on Friday ( I paid) he said I cannot take them by myself and how can I let him miss out on our sons frat holiday.

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LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 23:54

Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:49

My daughter said she misses her dad this evening, what do I tell her in the morning as I said she will see him then? If she misses him what the hell am I doing?

You're stopping her from thinking this is a normal or acceptable way to
be treated in a marriage. Youre showing her what self-respect looks like.

LilyMarshall · 31/07/2022 23:55

Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:53

I’m sick of him telling me I am the bad person, He is making me question myself so much. We are supposed to be going away on Friday ( I paid) he said I cannot take them by myself and how can I let him miss out on our sons frat holiday.

Of course you can take them by yourself.

he is clearly very controlling. You meed to call women’s aid and speak to them. And stop speaking to him. Switch your phone off.

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 23:59

Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:49

My daughter said she misses her dad this evening, what do I tell her in the morning as I said she will see him then? If she misses him what the hell am I doing?

What are you doing it for, you ask?

Well for one, you're making it less likely she will end up replicating this relationship dynamic when she's an adult.

Being with someone nasty and abusive. Can you imagine seeing her being treated how you are? As unhappy as you are?

Because the longer you stay, the more likely that is. Wouldn't that break your heart? Let that fuel you.

Snargle · 31/07/2022 23:59

He said I am going to damage the kids if I don’t be part of the ‘team’ as he and I will be a ‘team’ forever

He's projecting here.

He doesn't do his share of cooking, cleaning, laundry or DIY. He bails out on family life to pretend that he's single. Yet he says you're the one who isn't part of "the team"?

If she misses him what the hell am I doing?
You're showing her that when she's old enough to be in a relationship of her own, she doesn't have to put up with doing all the drudge-work while her partner opts out of family life. You're showing her that women are worth more than that.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/08/2022 04:19

She may miss him now... but do you want her growing up watching him treat you like crap, bully you and belittle you and think THATS what a relationship SHOULD look like?

Because if you stay with him, that is what she learns 'women put up with awful treatment to remain in a relationship, that is what you have to do to be a parent/wife'...

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/08/2022 07:18

What is this imaginary team he is referring to? There is no team, it's just you doing everything.

Stay strong. You don't need this arsehole.

JustLyra · 01/08/2022 07:58

Lionela · 31/07/2022 23:53

I’m sick of him telling me I am the bad person, He is making me question myself so much. We are supposed to be going away on Friday ( I paid) he said I cannot take them by myself and how can I let him miss out on our sons frat holiday.

Please speak to Women’s Aid.

the more you post the more obvious his tactics become. He’s a nasty, manipulative man who is trying to blackmail you into staying.

There is absolutely no reason that you cannot take your children away without him so it is him that is making them miss this trip. Not you.

its him that’s willing to sacrifice their fun for himself.

LittleOwl153 · 01/08/2022 08:20

You absolutely can take them away by yourself.

If within the UK there is NOTHING he can do to stop you!
If you are travelling abroad then you need to get an emergency court hearing for a specific issue ( I think that's what it's called - others will correct) and take them without his permission.

PrionOn · 01/08/2022 08:32

”He is making me question myself and my beliefs….is this what they do?”

Yes, 100%.

Given he left so promptly, it may be that an excuse to leave was what he was angling after. Alternatively (or possibly as well) he assumes you will be begging him to come back in a day or two.

Call his bluff and don’t do it. If you ask him to come back, nothing will change, and you are indicating that you are willing to put up with whatever he deals out. It’s going to feel awful for a while, but better in the long run.

I let mine drag me back in with promises that things would be better. Short term, they were, but he reverted to type. Staying in the marriage did more damage to my children than I think leaving would have done. I demonstrated doormat behaviour to my children and showed them that clinging on to a broken relationship where you are treated like crap is acceptable. Would you want one of your children to be in this relationship? If not, you need to show them how to get out.

My children don’t hate me. They are all low contact with their dad. I wish I had left the first time I tried.

Original poster
Lionela · 01/08/2022 08:39

He said to me last night, you do realise this conversation is recorded. I didn’t really say anything other than I didn’t want to be part of his ‘team’ he said he will show it to the kids, is he for real? Maybe he might miss our the part where he is calling me a horrible bitch etc.

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Original poster
Lionela · 01/08/2022 08:40

We are supposed to be going abroad.

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