SAHM, what a bore?

[Incognitopest]

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic!

Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche.

Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others?

not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

Head circumference? Big = higher IQ or other way round? Gonna go check DCs red books 😅

Curious about the developmental milestones too. Wonder which way round the cause and effect is there.

I don't see the point of these "SAHMs are all.... blah blah blah " threads. It stands to reason that some women (and men) are going to be more cut out for SAH than others. Just like some women are motivated the corporate world while others would find that "a bore" and prefer a whole multitude of other jobs. This is basic life. Why is this even a debate?

Most women these days can't afford to be a SAHM regardless, so it's a non-issue for them.

For those for whom it is an option, if you're not enjoying it, then you probably just need to accept you're not cut out for it, so make alternative arrangements.

But for those who can snd do enjoy SAH with their own kids, what could possibly be the problem with that? It's hardly weird or a crime. Of course it's pathetic to say SAHMs are of "lower intellect" than other women. I trained as a child psychotherapist, for instance. I spent years making detailed observations of babies and young children. If I didn't find other people's children "a bore," why would I find my own "a bore?" What is more fascinating than human beings - particularly those you have created? I felt strongly I had a lot to offer my own children in so many areas and I was never bored for a second because I understood the point of what I was doing. It's not about whether they remember the early years or not. That's not the point day all. But anyway, this is probably not the place to get into all that.

Just like some women love their jobs, so do some men. It's obvious that all men and women are different! If you happen to be married to someone who loves their job and earns enough for you to be a SAHP, then why would you not do that? If you're not or your DH finds his work a chore, then that's obviously fine too and you can just make other arrangements. By and large, people gravitate towards partners who balance them out and / or facilitate them to some extent, whether this means both working or having a SAHP. This is obvious and there's no need for sweeping statements about anyone or anything. I don't see the point of these threads. Just do what you want.

To be fair to the OP… she didn’t want to start a debate I don’t think. She’s finding her time boring and wanted to talk about it. The debate started because a lot of people have thoughts about it and wanted to share them, just like you did. And your language clearly shows which side of the debate you sit on, so it’s not as if you’ve come as some impartial referee to break it up.

@anuja1

If you happen to be married to someone who loves their job and earns enough for you to be a SAHP, then why would you not do that?

Because I love my job too and we're both parents?

But that's my whole entire point TopGub. Do what you want! Some women will make if there choices to you. So what?

Why all this talk about "sides if the debate?" It's so strange. Why does there need to be sides? I gave my experience - not a "side." If I'd had a different personality or interests or career / training I might well have not been a SAHM. But so what?

One of the great things to supplement women having a range of choices is having a forum to discuss the pros and cons of each choice alongside anecdote from women with experience. Without these conversations, women wouldn’t be able to make an informed choice. So hurrah for this conversation.

@anuja1

I think the “so what” you’re looking for is because so many people (on both sides) judge others for the way they bring their children up.

Of course it’s would be nice if could make these choices in a political vacuum without this judgement but as this thread and many many others like it show, there’s a constant drumbeat of moralising.

@anuja1

You asked why you wouldn't be a sahm.

I answered

There's sides because people think there's an ideal. Most people think having a sahm to pre school children is the ideal.

Sahms (Ime) get really offended when people don't agree it's the ideal.

Wms get defensive when it's implied they are abandoning/dont love their children.

If you think the threads are pointless, don't read them

Yes to an extent, ReeseWitherfork. But if someone says in here, "I'm an accountant and it' suits me," and then another person says, "I'm an accountant and it's such a bore," well, neither of these anecdotes are particularly relevant to anyone else (even other accountants)!

My DD is 8 months old and I'm going to be a SAHM. We have great days filled with meeting friends etc. i absolutely hated my job so maybe that's why I'm glad I'm not going back but I love it so far.

Of course there's no ideal Topgub. If you can be a SAHM and you enjoy it and feel you have a lot to offer, then do it if you want. But plenty of women are not like that or they find it boring or they need the money or whatever and this is obviously equally fine. Children don't benefit from bored or depressed mums who would rather be elsewhere. Nor do children benefit from poverty.

@anuja1

I think there's an ideal. 2 parents sharing care equally is the ideal

I think most women who choose to be a sahm think its ideal to be one.

But “I’m an accountant who hates my job and have many friends who are around during the week who I can meet up with and a lots of local groups for pre schoolers which I like going to” would be useful for an accountant debating being a SAHP who doesn’t have friends around and doesn’t like groups for pre schoolers. She might decide it’s not for her. But if a second accountant comes along and says “I don’t mind my job but I can take a career break with no real penalty and there’s a gym with a crèche and my little one naps nicely in the day so I can take up learning Spanish” then that might resonate and she might decide to go for it. And if a non-accountant then comes along and says “childcare doesn’t have any detrimental affect on a pre schooler” then her decision starts to get some weight behind it, if that’s important to her. You see how a variety of input is useful?

Haha yes it's bigger head circumference (although there are many pathological reasons for a literal big head too!). It's very interesting but there is a lot of cause and effect. Single parent families tend to do worse in these studies but there are many confounders for instance a single parent with a college education who could afford to work part time or not at all will probably have similar outcomes to a two parent household etc. Anyway I made this point because someone made a comment about "why would you have a child and then choose to work" or some rubbish. Oh and that silly statement about teachers being able to distinguish if both parents work or not.

Topgub · Today 20:09
@@anuja1

I think there's an ideal. 2 parents sharing care equally is the ideal"

Meh - I'm not sure it's ever possible to measure "equal" tbh, as couples will always gravitate to doing different things with the kids and play to their strengths anyway. And no point on insisting on working equal hours just for the hell of it, when one earns a lot more than the other. I mean, not unless both being at home equally is super important to you for your own reasons. But I think most couples would not insist on things being that rigid, particularly if it means lost income. But ultimately it's personal and no point forcing things. Just do what comes naturally and what suits you and your husband./ wife and this will be different for all families. No "ideal". Your ideal might be stifling for someone else.

@anuja1

Lol.

So there's no ideal but mine definitely isn't?

Okay then

Odd you'd presume one person would earn a lot more than the other

I'm not saying that at all Topgub. Do what suits you and let others work out what suits them. That's it. You are making an argument out of nothing.

Why would it be odd to assume that, in a couple, one person earns more than another? This happens all the time. Why wouldn't it?

Wow, this thread got more traction than I expected! Thank you for all your replies and I appreciate everyone has different experiences. It does make me feel a lot better that Im not the only one who feels this way as everyone in my circle doesn’t seem too!

@ReeseWitherfork made me laugh with the statement “The point isn't "if I'm not working then I'm bored"
but rather "I find looking after a baby boring".” ….which sadly i guess is exactly what I’m saying.

@smileandsing she sleeps well now, but previously she didnt and i was still powering through the gym as an escape. To be honest in hindsight probably a bad idea as being so sleep deprived and then knackered hasn’t helped.

and @bofski14 re “only boring people are bored”, thanks again for your input but one might say only boring people use shitty quotes to make a point.

@anuja1 you're being deliberately obtuse about this.

Of course its common for one person to earn more than another, this doesn't need explaining. Very often this person is the man, for reasons I'm sure I don't need to explain to you.

@Topgub is pointing out that a more egalitarian setup where there is some parity of income and some parity in terms of care and domestic work is generally desirable for many reasons but in particular because it provides greater financial security for the woman (and children) while also relieving the woman of the burden of domestic responsibility which overwhelmingly falls on women.

Of course this doesn't work for some people and isn't achievable for others so not everyone is going to be able to do this and there's no judgement aimed at people who can't manage this. Of course people should do what works for them and their families.

But pretending, wide-eyed, not to understand the "debate" is completely specious. You know as everyone on these boards know that its highly political and probably the topic which gets debated more than any other. It's a huge issue in society. No one is "making an argument out of nothing", its already a huge ongoing argument in society. Pretending not to understand how political this is is fooling no-one.

@anuja1 “I don't see the point of these "SAHMs are all.... blah blah blah " threads”

Well why would you provide input then? I didn’t set out to cause a debate, I was feeling concerned that I’m not enjoying maternity leave to the extent that I thought I should be doing.

If it makes any difference, both my partner and I earn roughly the same.

It's not your your OP, Incognitopest. More that any thread involving SAHM tends to be appropriated and twisted into a predictable argument -that really only exists in MN - with these nonsense 'sides.' When, in reality, everyone knows that people are obviously going to do what suits them according to their marriage dynamics, income, children, personality and how much they enjoy their career (or not).

What strikes me, reading your OP, is that you don't mention you've made any other 'mum friends.' I know you say you go to groups etc and get out every day, but I think a large part of the reason I was never bored as a SAHM was that it was probably one of the most social times of my life (apart from uni). Perhaps your sense of isolation could be partly related to this? It's having people to talk ti a share experiences and concerns. Yes, you will obviously do this your husband and family obviously, but you need your own thing too.

Also, maybe take the pressure off yourself and maybe let some things slide. I think people who struggle with SAH are sometimes people who feel the need to have something physical or defined to show for their day - eg "today I did this... " With a baby, I think you just have to accept that at this time, you are on their routine and their pace and frankly, that is enough. If you can get 'something else' done - great - but see it as a bonus rather than stressing about all the things you think you should be doing. Don't feel like you're failing, in other words, because you can't get as much fine as you did before. It's a phase in time. It won't always be like this.

Great that you still manage to get to the gym though.

Anyway, there is no right or wrong. Only what's right for YOU. Doesn't matter what anyone else does or thinks ultimately. Kids benefit from having a happy mum. If this means going back to work, PT or FT or whatever, then do that and no need to feel guilty about anything. There is no 'ideal'.

@anuja1

Of course this 'argument' exists outside of mumsnet.

I got comments irl all the time about working. Where are your kids? Who's looking after them? Awww, thats a shame. Their dad?!!! Shock horror.

I even had one (who mistakenly thought I was a sahm) tell me how great it was that we had chosen to invest in our children

Its also very common on other forums and across the Internet

It is making me laugh though that you keep insisting there's no ideal and its whatever suits the individual while spending every post trying to convince the op to be a sahm

Plus of course it’s actually quite complex where PP are just talking about “whether you can afford to be a SAHP.

So many factors to consider. Economic uncertainty of only one earner in the household, implication of traditional gender roles as the normality for children, potential for marriage to break down, division of the domestic load outside of childcare, reduced pension contributions and lower future earning potential for SAHP, increased necessary qualifications for childcare staff, standard of childcare available in local area, changes to legislation relating to childcare such as ratios. And the list probably goes on.

There’s definitely a cohort of women who have to go back to work because they can’t afford not to and likewise a cohort who have to give up work because they can’t afford childcare. But that’s the tip of the iceberg.

I never considered being a SAHP because I’m fiercely independent (often to my detriment) and I couldn’t have mentally dealt with being so reliant on my husband.

@ReeseWitherfork

Exactly.

And of course the underlying implication of pity for those who can't afford ot like they secretly wishing they could

As a SAHM, I have also had my share of snide comments about my choice IRL. People seem to think that whatever you decide, it is a legitimate thing for them to weigh in on to tell you that you are wrong and failing as a mother (either by not being there if you work or by failing to provide positive role models if you don't). Failing as a mother/wife/citizen/woman....