Page 7 | SAHM, what a bore?

Incognitopest · 2022-07-29T22:30:01+00:00

Apologies for the antagonistic title…to get traffic! Im 9 months into mat leave, i absolutely love and adore my daughter but christ i find this monotonous. I could go back to work early but also know this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. How do SAHM do it? Do you enjoy it or do you see it as a job? Im fortunate that we have a cleaner once a week, dog walker a few times, and i go to the gym solely because it has a creche. Im so conflicted between being desperate to go back to work yet knowing i should be embracing these days with my baby. Every day feels so repetitive. Im guessing some people are made out for it more than others? not sure what the AIBU is…. I guess aibu for struggling being a sahm whilst considering part time child care?

PixellatedPixie · 30/07/2022 18:58

I’m a SAHM and have been for 10 years. The baby phase is quite boring imho but the toddler phase is incredibly cute and I’m so glad I got to stay home with both of mine.

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 19:01

Staying at home isn't for everyone. I went back working full time after 13.5 months. Would prefer 4 days ideally but I certainly couldn't hack being a sahm. Maybe working part time would be a good option.

WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 30/07/2022 19:03

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/07/2022 18:47

There’s also plenty showing that it doesn’t actually make much difference. And none of this evidence is conclusive. Quality of life and happiness of the parents and levels of education are far more meaningful in determining outcomes than whether the mother is the primary caregiver.

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My kids primary school teachers say they can tell the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those who are in full time care.

Let’s face it we work because we have to pay bills. Of course someone will come along and say they would work the same job if they won the euro millions but they wouldn’t really. My sister is one who says she would but that is because she has very few interests and friends outside of work. For her and others like her, work is definitely the better option.

Of course the OP should return to work if she isn’t happy but that wasn’t her question. She wanted to know how to vary her day. Whether we work or stay at home, our daily routines are much the same unless we actively decide to do more.

Silverswirl · 30/07/2022 19:07

lborgia · 30/07/2022 04:01

I expected to be off for at least a year, both times, and both times I went back at 8 months, and I'm not sure how I managed it, because the juggling was a nightmare. But I had an almost unnatural drive to be out of there. And my second job was monotonous, frustrating, no career advantage, and gave me nothing except adult conversation and a break from home.

In hindsight, I'm so glad I did. I've now had to be home full time for 5 years and, thank god I did something for myself then.

TBH, I think the whole SAHM thing is something of a myth. Yes, there are those who have able, NT kids, non-coercive DH's, and are at happy at home.

I know a ton of sahms, and I don't know a single one who doesn't have some underlying challenges that they'd swap for work in a heart beat.

Children that need constant care,
Children who are never going to manage mainstream school,
Husbands who have convinced them it's the right road..I was actually going to put religious convictions in another line, but the handful I know, these are intertwined.
Not well enough/able themselves to work and/or run a household at the same time and the family will always come first, obviously.

I know 2, maybe 3 who seem to genuinely live an insta life, children out 6 hours a day, help in the house, engaged husband capable of parenting alone.. and I'm a cynic, so still waiting to find their skeleton in the closest.

Sorry, the ramblings of a bored sahm! Go back to work! The baby will babble, crawl, walk, pile, cry at the weekend, and you will have those memories. Take away all the shit about whether you're there for the "first" anything. Doesn't matter whether it happens when you're work, or at home in the loo, those kinds of things are said to trap us!!

Blimey, I'm a bitter old woman

Gosh, I really couldn’t agree less with what you’ve said. Literally the total opposite of my experience and views.
It’s my whole life and world to have been there for my children every day? Yes it absolutely matters if I’m there or not. Your view is alien to me!

sleepyhoglet · 30/07/2022 19:13

Well things change. With my first I was eager to get back to work, but with my second I could quite easily give it all up except I need the money

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 19:16

In all honesty do you have memories of pre school? Hardly any so I can't imagine it makes a huge difference if you're there or not, as long as your child is stimulated and cared for, and the parents already have a secure attachment with the children. My son definitely knows who his parents are!

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 19:16

But if you wish to stay at home and everyone is happy I don't see the problem.

Palg68 · 30/07/2022 19:17

That's the thing though. What about YOU. What did you do or want to do before being a mother you will still be there for your child for many many moments. I think it's very easy to let a baby consume you but once kids hit around 7 they find their own personalities and independence.

DaisyWaldron · 30/07/2022 19:17

I really enjoyed my time as a SAHM, but I also thought of it as a job, so I guess I brought my work mind to a lot of the stuff I did. I read up a lot on child development and did what I could to keep improving my own practice as a parent. The other SAHPs I spent time with were my colleagues and we would share tips and support and talk through our problems. For me though, a fairly big part of being a SAHM was doing stuff on a tiny budget, which doesn't sound like something you have to do, and in some ways maybe that makes the whole experience more fun. I wasn't just someone who ferried my kids from group to group and took them to the cafe - I was planning and organising a lot of the activities, meals etc myself.

Anothernamechangeplease · 30/07/2022 19:18

WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby · 30/07/2022 19:03

My kids primary school teachers say they can tell the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those who are in full time care.

Let’s face it we work because we have to pay bills. Of course someone will come along and say they would work the same job if they won the euro millions but they wouldn’t really. My sister is one who says she would but that is because she has very few interests and friends outside of work. For her and others like her, work is definitely the better option.

Of course the OP should return to work if she isn’t happy but that wasn’t her question. She wanted to know how to vary her day. Whether we work or stay at home, our daily routines are much the same unless we actively decide to do more.

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So what does your oh-so-wise teacher think is the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those where both parents work? Sorry, but if that's even true, then the teacher is talking bollocks. She is also being very unprofessional in sharing that opinion with you.

There are lots of reasons why people work. Money is obviously a factor for many. There is no shame in that, we all need to provide for our children. But there are many other reasons too.

For me, the biggest motivator was always seeing how unhappy my mum was as a SAHP, particularly as we got older and she started to realise what she had missed out on. I felt so guilty. I didn't want to end up like her, and I didn't want my dc feeling like I did.

Others' experiences and perceptions are different, and that's fine. People should organise their family lives in whatever way suits them best. As long as they have loving, competent parents, the kids will be absolutely fine either way.

BeanieTeen · 30/07/2022 19:22

My kids primary school teachers say they can tell the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those who are in full time care.

Weird conversation to start with all their teachers.
For what it’s worth, I’m a teacher and definitely can’t tell. I also wouldn’t really have the time to chin wag with a parent about the benefits and disadvantages of early full time care.

SophieSellerman · 30/07/2022 19:28

You can have a very challenging ND child and a shit of a husband and still enjoy being a SAHM, *iborgia. I wouldn't have swapped with anyone with a job for any money.

CautiousOptimist · 30/07/2022 19:33

If you don't have to go back to work maybe give it a bit longer and see whether it gets less boring with a toddler? Personally I have found being a SAHM much more fun since my eldest learned to talk and became good fun and good company, even when we had a second and then a third baby.
I've been a SAHM for 10 years now, my youngest is 2 and I'm not planning to go back to work for a while yet.
I love it, but I don't think it's for everyone so if it's not for you then it's just not.
What do I do? I go for lots of days out at NT properties, farms, science centres, splash parks, garden centres etc. Sometimes on the bus or on the train to London, go to museums, Lego exhibitions, kids theatre. We meet friends or family to play, inside or outside. On quieter days I do housework, cook, bake, read books, play, watch telly. I teach him lots, and now he goes to preschool some hours. I also do some volunteering, exercise, do all the shopping and life admin for the whole family. I feel quite busy!
Do I see it as a job? Not exactly, but I do see it as an important role I'm doing for our family right now - a joint decision with my DH that I'm doing it and we both feel it's best for us and our DC in our own situation, not that it's best for every family.

Spinfit · 30/07/2022 19:35

I hear you! I went back at 6 months (was shamed a few times by male colleagues who commented that their wives "loved being at home and would do it forever if they could") but I love my job. I'm in research and I find it so mentally stimulating. I can set my own hours around visits etc so initially he only spent a few hours at nursery (we paid for 4 days but he never stayed for the full day) and it meant I could finish my visits and pick him up to hang out. There is no right answer - you need to do what's right for you. My son is now older and an outgoing, confident little boy so I don't regret it.

AchatAVendre · 30/07/2022 19:37

Totally agree on PPs interpretation of “nobody on their deathbed wishes they had spent more time in the office”. This phrase makes me see red:

Its as if there are only 2 choices of activity for women in life - working in a paid job or raising children, or both together. No hobbies, elite level sport, travelling, etc.. Either work or children.

I would say that anyone who can only imagine either working or having children out of all the things you can do in the modern world probably fulfills the question in the OP.

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 19:37

CautiousOptimist · 30/07/2022 19:33

If you don't have to go back to work maybe give it a bit longer and see whether it gets less boring with a toddler? Personally I have found being a SAHM much more fun since my eldest learned to talk and became good fun and good company, even when we had a second and then a third baby.
I've been a SAHM for 10 years now, my youngest is 2 and I'm not planning to go back to work for a while yet.
I love it, but I don't think it's for everyone so if it's not for you then it's just not.
What do I do? I go for lots of days out at NT properties, farms, science centres, splash parks, garden centres etc. Sometimes on the bus or on the train to London, go to museums, Lego exhibitions, kids theatre. We meet friends or family to play, inside or outside. On quieter days I do housework, cook, bake, read books, play, watch telly. I teach him lots, and now he goes to preschool some hours. I also do some volunteering, exercise, do all the shopping and life admin for the whole family. I feel quite busy!
Do I see it as a job? Not exactly, but I do see it as an important role I'm doing for our family right now - a joint decision with my DH that I'm doing it and we both feel it's best for us and our DC in our own situation, not that it's best for every family.

It sounds like your children would have lots of fun with you, loads of activities and socialising! It really depends though, both my parents were at home when I was little and they weren't particularly interesting or imaginative so I think for me being in childcare would have been better.

blebbleb · 30/07/2022 19:39

Spinfit · 30/07/2022 19:35

I hear you! I went back at 6 months (was shamed a few times by male colleagues who commented that their wives "loved being at home and would do it forever if they could") but I love my job. I'm in research and I find it so mentally stimulating. I can set my own hours around visits etc so initially he only spent a few hours at nursery (we paid for 4 days but he never stayed for the full day) and it meant I could finish my visits and pick him up to hang out. There is no right answer - you need to do what's right for you. My son is now older and an outgoing, confident little boy so I don't regret it.

That's so rude of your colleagues! I work in a male dominated industry full time and no one has ever said anything like that.

brookstar · 30/07/2022 22:38

My kids primary school teachers say they can tell the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those who are in full time care.

And what do they say are the differences??

Let’s face it we work because we have to pay bills. Of course someone will come along and say they would work the same job if they won the euro millions but they wouldn’t really. My sister is one who says she would but that is because she has very few interests and friends outside of work. For her and others like her, work is definitely the better option.

I would still do my job if I won't the lottery. I love my job and I also have interests and friends outside of work. It's possible to have both 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anothernamechangeplease · 31/07/2022 03:33

BeanieTeen · 30/07/2022 19:22

My kids primary school teachers say they can tell the difference between kids who have a parent at home and those who are in full time care.

Weird conversation to start with all their teachers.
For what it’s worth, I’m a teacher and definitely can’t tell. I also wouldn’t really have the time to chin wag with a parent about the benefits and disadvantages of early full time care.

Gosh, I have only just noticed that @WeneedtotalkaboutBrunobaby is claiming to have had this conversation with multiple primary school teachers. That would definitely suggest that she makes a point of starting these conversations. How embarrassing for her!!

skimper · 31/07/2022 03:47

I loved being a SAHM but babies are boring at that age, they're just needy and not much fun. Second year is so much better they develop personalities and you can have a laugh with them along with the stressful times.

Benjispruce4 · 31/07/2022 10:07

I did 7 years! It was the right thing for me and my family. The early months were hardest but once your baby can do more it gets better. I was lucky in that my DM was close and 3 work colleagues/ friends had a baby over an 18th period so we would get together often. On a basic level I just loved not having to be anywhere at any given time.

toomuchlaundry · 31/07/2022 10:09

Maternity leave ends just when they get interesting!

Are you going back full-time?

Londonscalling22 · 31/07/2022 10:13

I liked being on mat leave but my dislike of being poor is stronger. I like knowing I am earning a decent wage and I can help support the family and buy a few treats too. I think it would be shit staying at home having to watch the pennies.

Lollypip · 31/07/2022 10:16

You sound very lucky. Most stay at home mums have so much to do that they have no time to think its boring? It is hard work, very hard work but you don't get this time back. I went back to work when my eldest was 9 months and I worked 40 hours from home with my 2nd, with my 3rd I have stayed at home due to childcare etc and yes its monotonous but he is now 2 and its gone in a flash.

SouthLondonMum22 · 31/07/2022 10:19

Go back to work.

I plan to go back at 3 months because a long maternity leave (or giving up my career completely) just isn't for me despite people telling me I'll change my mind and never want to go back.

I know I won't though, my mum was a SAHM and for as long as I can remember, I knew I wanted more.