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Original poster

40year old female friend dating 19 year old male

253 replies

Chatterbox473 · 29/07/2022 20:47

Close friend is 40 years old and is dating at 19 year old male.

Have advised her that i find this to be strange and creepy.

What are your thoughts on this?

OP posts:
CapMarvel · 30/07/2022 12:46

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/07/2022 12:41

Your bring doesn't fully mature until your 20s.

And ita all very well saying its demeaning but can u also see that should the relationship progress to moving in stage for example, under 25s get paid less. That immediately creates a huge imbalance.

I'm not sure at 40 id still be dating someone who was still getting ID'd in pubs. It would be an awkward and embarrassing reminder dont you think.

Just because you technically can, doesn't mean you should.

Show quote history

Plenty of people aren't particually mature into their 30's and beyond either.

Should we therefore instigate some sort of test to ensure that people are sufficiently mature before they are allowed to enter consensual relationships?

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 12:47

To me, it’s weird - but it’s also none of my business, and I wouldn’t get worked up about it. They’re adults and I suspect he’s getting just as much out of it as she is. Older women might be his particular predilection, and that’s up to him. It probably won’t last, but so what?

That said, I have a relative whose husband is 20 years her junior and they’ve been together for about 30 years, married for 25, and really happy together and amazingly well-suited; proper soulmates. So who am I to judge?

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 13:00

at 19 you can’t be a doctor, lawyer or teacher of many of those things as you haven’t had enough training or life experience yet. You are studying at university or college or in training or doing a crappy low skills job (sorry)

My DP at 19 was professionally qualified reporter on a major regional daily, covering, among other things, some very high-profile murder cases. My mum was about to get married. My nephew was working in a civilian role in a police child protection unit. There are 19-year-olds on the front line in the armed forces.

The only reason you can’t be a doctor or lawyer at 19 is because they’re post-grad professions with a long period of academic training. It’s got nothing to do with maturity. It’s literally just a matter of the amount of academic knowledge you have to acquire; it’s not about your emotional maturity.

Whatwouldscullydo · 30/07/2022 13:01

Should we therefore instigate some sort of test to ensure that people are sufficiently mature before they are allowed to enter consensual relationships?

If there was it might be useful. Be easier than having a baby then discovering you have a big man child who promptly becomes something else to have to manage to keep things going.

CJsGoldfish · 30/07/2022 13:03

There will always be exceptions to any rule but I think that the majority of 30 year old men who date 17 year old girls, for example, have a hell of a lot more life experience, earning power, independence etc than those 17 year old girls
Any 30yr old man who chooses a 17yr old knows exactly what he's doing. As does anyone, male or female, 30+ who chooses a teenager.
Much easier to mold someone into who you want them to be when they don't have the life experience to know exactly who they are without the 'guidance' of an older partner. I'm sure there are a lot of relationships of this kind that last but I also don't think that's the 'win' people think it is. 🤷‍♀️

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/07/2022 13:10

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 13:00

at 19 you can’t be a doctor, lawyer or teacher of many of those things as you haven’t had enough training or life experience yet. You are studying at university or college or in training or doing a crappy low skills job (sorry)

My DP at 19 was professionally qualified reporter on a major regional daily, covering, among other things, some very high-profile murder cases. My mum was about to get married. My nephew was working in a civilian role in a police child protection unit. There are 19-year-olds on the front line in the armed forces.

The only reason you can’t be a doctor or lawyer at 19 is because they’re post-grad professions with a long period of academic training. It’s got nothing to do with maturity. It’s literally just a matter of the amount of academic knowledge you have to acquire; it’s not about your emotional maturity.

Ok fine, yes there are exceptions. You are still incredibly young though and anyone who looks back to that age can see how immature and vulnerable they were.

TheGoogleMum · 30/07/2022 13:11

At the very least it's a bit weird!

0pheIiaBalls · 30/07/2022 13:22

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/07/2022 13:10

Ok fine, yes there are exceptions. You are still incredibly young though and anyone who looks back to that age can see how immature and vulnerable they were.

Show quote history

When I was 19 I was married, managing a team of 50 people, was a couple of years away from having DD and most certainly was not immature or vulnerable.

Some people may be - but you seem to think that everyone is immature and vulnerable at that age, which is demonstrably ridiculous.

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 30/07/2022 13:22

Absolutely none of your business.

IncompleteSenten · 30/07/2022 13:25

Creepy.

Hhd1 · 30/07/2022 13:34

Grim

wellhelloitsme · 30/07/2022 13:40

CJsGoldfish · 30/07/2022 13:03

There will always be exceptions to any rule but I think that the majority of 30 year old men who date 17 year old girls, for example, have a hell of a lot more life experience, earning power, independence etc than those 17 year old girls
Any 30yr old man who chooses a 17yr old knows exactly what he's doing. As does anyone, male or female, 30+ who chooses a teenager.
Much easier to mold someone into who you want them to be when they don't have the life experience to know exactly who they are without the 'guidance' of an older partner. I'm sure there are a lot of relationships of this kind that last but I also don't think that's the 'win' people think it is. 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely.

When I was 30, if a bloke I knew had been dating a 17 year old (so someone who could be in sixth form still wearing school uniform and unable to go to a bar for a drink) our social circle would have thought he was taking advantage of what is a very big power imbalance. Absolutely the same if a woman of 30 was dating a boy of 17.

Due to society being more used to seeing age gap relationships where men are older than women, I think that the case where a woman is the older one would have more of a shock factor than the other way around.

Because we are less used to seeing couples where a 17 year old boy is shagging a 30 year old woman.

People keep saying 'if your daughter did xyz would you really be ok with it' and similarly, I don't believe for a minute that mums of 17 year old boys would be happy with their son dating a 30 year old woman.

We refer to 17 year olds as boy and girl because they aren't legally adults. They are children.

If someone is happy with their 17 year old child shagging a 30 year old adult they have very skewed and troubling boundaries.

fUNNYfACE36 · 30/07/2022 13:45

AhaLyn · 29/07/2022 21:41

No sorry, come on. 25 is when young people’s brains finish wiring up. Too young.

I doubt she is much interested in his brain

starduste · 30/07/2022 14:26

Some people may be - but you seem to think that everyone is immature and vulnerable at that age, which is demonstrably ridiculous.

There are exceptions. I was an exception. But even I wouldn't be ready for a 21 year age gap relationship just out of sixth form. Even for a shag, it's still weird on the older ones behalf. Somebody who could be your son or daughter, who has little experience of relationships is not somebody you should be looking at.

Even a few years older would be more appropriate. A teenager just isn't fgs ew

Gardeningismythingwithawine · 30/07/2022 14:36

No way, that’s creepy

Mally100 · 30/07/2022 14:52

She's a pervert. That age difference is just sick. I would think very differently of her.

LondonQueen · 30/07/2022 15:06

Meh, leave them to it.

IcedPurple · 30/07/2022 15:28

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 29/07/2022 22:43

Sam Taylor-Johnson met Aaron Taylor-Johnson when he was 18 and she was 42 and the director of the film - Nowhere Boy - that he was starring in…

They’ve been married for ten years and have two kids together.

I thought he was 17 when they met?

Either way, being together 10 years doesn't mean that their relationship is happy or healthy. And even if they are happy now, that also doesn't mean that it's OK for a woman in her 40s to 'date' a 17 year old. Especially as she was his boss and he came from a troubled home.

And yes, I'd say exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed, which they almost always are in these cases. A 40 year old 'going out' with a 19 year old isn't illegal, but the dynamics seems strange to me.

PinkButtercups · 30/07/2022 15:35

Same as if it was the other way round.

It's sick.

Marvellousmadness · 30/07/2022 15:41

A 19 is considered an adult yes. By law.
But not by life choices

We all screwed up at 19 thinking we were hot shit. But we were nothing but babies still at that age.

But the 40 yo is morally wrong here. And gross. And pathetic. The 19yo is just
... being young I guess haha.

PetraBP · 30/07/2022 16:27

Creepy.

Not illegal, but creepy.

Would be the same if the roles were reversed or same sex couple IMHO.

CanYouNotReadTheSign · 30/07/2022 17:49

I dated a 35 year old at 21. Didn't last long and seems odd looking back. I have friends with 19/20 year old children and they still seem so young to me.

HRTQueen · 30/07/2022 20:50

It’s not uncommon for a teenager to have a crush on someone older/senior

but it is up to the adult to ignore this they will soon move into to someone else and let them live their life and have their own life experiences

I remember being baffled by the adoration Sam Taylor-Johnson received from some female journalists she was doing what so many men have done and most probably been critical of men doing dating women much younger. Her ego got the better of her that is nothing to celebrate

life experiences are hugely different and there will be a power imbalance why would anyone who has experienced life as an adult want to be with someone who hasn’t just because they seem mature

Duchess379 · 31/07/2022 00:12

19yr olds aren't my cup of tea but there's no harm in it. 70yr old blokes date much younger women all the time & no one bats an eyelid. 💁🏼

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 00:18

Duchess379 · 31/07/2022 00:12

19yr olds aren't my cup of tea but there's no harm in it. 70yr old blokes date much younger women all the time & no one bats an eyelid. 💁🏼

They do though, when a 70 year old man is dating a teenager or a woman in her 20s, most people would think it was gross. They really would.