DP been so cruel about my weight

[Bananaramafan]

I'm supposed to be going camping with DP today.
Yesterday I mentioned I was going on a diet from Monday but asked him not to comment on it (his "humour" is often cruel and pathetic but I've tried to get used to it)
He couldn't help himself and said "oh you're going on a diet again - to lose the weight you so desperately need to"
I'm a stone and a half overweight. I'm going through the menopause and I'm 54.
I've woke up today (we don't live together)
and I'm still so angry/upset that I've messaged him and said I don't want to spend the weekend with him unless he apologises.
AIBU?

Sarcasm and being cruel about your weight, dressed as humour, is just an excuse for a bully to absolve themselves of shitty behaviour while blaming you for being too sensitive. Telling you you're too sensitive is classic gaslighter response.

Don't get used to it because it won't get better. If he hadn't respected your request not to comment before, then he's unlikely to change his behaviour.

Let him know that you will not be undermined and you deserve respect. End the relationship.

but he insists I'm too sensitive

HE doesn't get to dictate the feelings YOU feel when he says cruel things.

While agreeing with everyone my only thought is do you talk a lot about going on a diet ie is he using your own words? I know someone who is always going on about dieting and being desperate to lose weight but never actually does anything about it and it’s tedious. Could this be you?

having said that, if he is generally known for making snidey unkind comments, ditch the arsehole

I thought it sounded sarcastic too, like he thinks you don't need to, but it could have sounded worse in person.

I'd ask him what he means, if it's not similar to above, dump him.

so therefore, he should be mindful of your 'sensitivity' and shut the fuck up. Twat.

Dump the cunt!

I've told him many times it's not funny, it's often cruel and upsetting, but he insists I'm too sensitive

Something is funny if all participants laugh. If you are upset, then it isn't a joke. He really means what he said and just says 'it's a joke' so you don't challenge him on his nasty behaviour.

He sounds spiteful.

Does he bring any good to your life?

No not at all - I was slimmer when I met him but I'd gone on a diet to lose 3 stone for my 50th birthday party (I did look fabulous!)
I don't mention my weight to him normally as he's super quick to wade in with his snide comments.
I know he's a cunt and I need to ditch him, I'm not a pathetic person even though I probably sound like I am for putting up with his bollocks, it's sooo hard to meet someone in your 50s though!

Witty or sarcastic humour is fine - I love it!

Being malicious, cruel and spiteful in the name of humour is not fine, it’s incredibly mean and nasty. And ultimately it’s not funny.

Hes a bully, he’s got low self esteem and uses cruelty to others to make himself feel better about his miserable existence. Then he dresses it up as “humour” or “banter” to avoid being called out on it.

he’s a nasty piece of work, don’t underestimate how horrible this behaviour is.

He can be sweet
Sex is incredible
He's a good handyman

There's two ways this could pan out.

1. He realises that his joke, meaning that he doesn't think you're overweight at all, really is unacceptable and he apologises profusely now he realises he's out of order and he's going to get dumped if he doesn't pattern up.
2. He doubles down on it, proving that he's a spiteful prick and you dump him.

Either way, you're not wrong in telling him exactly what you think.

Meh. It depends.
If you are a "jojo" that constantly complains about being "fat"and needing to go on a diet all the time but never actually loose the weight. I can imagine him being sick of hearing it.

Speaking as a yoyo that always complains to my dh about being fat and starting a diet on Monday 😅

But if he is cruel about it its wrong
But if he is honest about it i dont really see the issue. Yes of course you dont like it. But id say mostly you dont like him commenting on your weight as you already hate your body enough on your own. Or something like that.

Anyway. Talk to the man. Tell him to givehis comments a rest and ask him to be supportive instead. Or just hold his tongue if he can't be bothered to be civil.

He DEFINITELY thinks I'm overweight- he's always pinching my tummy roll and saying "what's this then?"
If I eat something nice he will say "how's the diet going?" knowing I'm not in one but pointing out he thinks I should be.
He's not responded to my message so the weekend is off.
He will be fuming as he had bought a load of new camping stuff that he now won't get to use.

For four years I've asked him not to make cruel comments about my weight.
And not just my weight - he's so critical of most things - how I raise my daughter, my business, my siblings etc etc
However you can't change someone's personality to that extent - I've tried and tried but he masks his cruel comments as "humour"
I need to finish it I know I do
It's bloody hard though

I suppose he looks like Brad Pitt?

Ha ha ha no!
He has lost 3 stone recently but tbh I personally think he's now too thin - however it's his body his choice.

My husband loves me and adores my body, no matter what size I've been or ever will be. Your partner sounds cruel; he seems to be repeatedly criticising you and your body, even when he knows how hurtful you find it. He is not listening to you and it seems that he doesn't respect you, to be honest.

If you do want to stay with him, sit him down and ask seriously why he is with you if he doesn't like your body and doesnt respect you; demand that the jibes stop or it is a deal breaker. An ultimatum, I suppose.

I know I couldn't stay with someone who was so damaging to my self esteem, though. I'd rather be alone.

It’s really not hard to finish it. Message him then block. Don’t go into why etc as it just invites a response.

Go away yourself this weekend, or plan treats at home. You will miss him/the sex but your life will immediately start to get better. He’s an abusive, cruel and nasty arsehole. Consider doing the Freedom Programme so you don’t end up here again.

Why are you even bothering with someone who isn’t nice to you? Life’s too short

Well, he clearly needs to permanently fuck right off, then.

And you're the person to tell him.

Every time he sees that new camping equipment in the garage, he's going to be reminded about the time his ex girlfriend dumped him. So it's not going to be bringing him any joy, either. Like he didn't each time he did disgusting things to you to make him feel superior.

You can be sweet to yourself, and your friends should be sweet to you.
You can pay for DIY
You can find great sex somewhere else, and in the meantime buy a womaniser

Please text him now and say - actually, this really isn’t working for me. I will stick your stuff in a box and send it back to you. Have a good life. Bye.

Block.

Plan a nice weekend

Seriously, the man you are describing is a total cunt. A sad nasty man who makes himself feel better by putting you down.

And if you really can’t see this go to UKCP and book a block of therapy sessions, and then action as above.

@Bananaramafan

You DO need to get rid of him. He's making you feel worthless to keep you in your place & to stop you going off with someone else.

It is harder to meet someone as you get older, but it's much nicer being single than being put down all the time.

As you don't live together, it's easy practically to split up.

Show your daughter you're worth more than this, that SHE is worth more than this!!

If he wants to see you over the weekend (I expect he won't bother going camping) tell him no, that you've made plans with people who don't put you down.

you can do this. he is NOT your last chance at a relationship!! & even if he was, being single is WAY better his treatment of you!!

For four years I've asked him not to make cruel comments about my weight.
And not just my weight - he's so critical of most things - how I raise my daughter, my business, my siblings etc etc

FOUR YEARS!!!

Come on OP set yourself free of this abusive prick.

I am post menopausal and the heaviest I’ve ever been, probably a stone to a stone and a half overweight. I’ve tried to diet but it won’t shift.

At the same time my brother in law was diagnosed with prostrate cancer (he’s cancer free now). He had to have hormone treatment and he put on a lot of weight due to this, and had a puffed, bloated look - same as me. He did a lot of exercise but he couldn’t lose any weight.

So I’m accepting my weight for the time being. Your husband is being unkind. Can you find any articles to show him re menopause and weight gain. Men generally find it easier to lose weight. My husband just needs to give up beer.

yeah, I agree with everyone else. Tell him to fuck off.