Page 8 | Groping in a marriage

Bnxybee · 2022-07-28T10:41:26+00:00

(Sorry, feel like all I do on here is whinge) I'm basically sick of my husband groping me and nagging me for sex. We have sex maybe once a week and even then I have to force myself. He says twice a week is the norm for most married couples. I disagree. If I bend over, he has to slap my arse. It wasn’t an issue at the start of our relationship but now it just irritates me. Especially when he does it around DS (which he knows I don’t like!). If I go into the kitchen to do dishes, he’ll follow me and want a full on snog fest. If I say I'm going for a shower, he’ll make a crude comment. If we’re sat as family in the living room watching kids shows, he’ll mouth a dirty comment to me. It doesn’t turn me on. It annoys me. I can’t put my feet up on him on the sofa without him thinking I’m initiating sex and trying to put his hands between my legs! When I turn him down, he acts like a wounded puppy! I was really honest with him last night and told him that the more full on he is, the less I want it. He said that if he didn’t ask, he’d never get it as I’ve only initiated sex twice in the last two/three months (true!). I just told him to be less full on. This morning, it was like the conversation never happened. Him acting like a horny teenager all the time is actually giving me the ick! Anyone else?

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 10:34

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 08:52

So if everyone is responsible for themselves why are only women responsible for making men pull their weight around the house?

And no rape does not just happen in forced marriages what an ignorant thing to say

Show quote history

Thats why we as women have to put a stop to this, if she don't give him any chores and he didn't have any growing up he will never know he has to do something more. Thas how we created this society if we don't start changin it it will stay like that. That's why we have to take responsiblyty for ourselvs, we have to do things in order to change anything. And oh yes they are in love but if he has sex with her or say he want to have sex it is rape. You don't rape someone you love and if you do you should be locked in psychiatric hospital because that's not love.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 11:08

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 10:34

Thats why we as women have to put a stop to this, if she don't give him any chores and he didn't have any growing up he will never know he has to do something more. Thas how we created this society if we don't start changin it it will stay like that. That's why we have to take responsiblyty for ourselvs, we have to do things in order to change anything. And oh yes they are in love but if he has sex with her or say he want to have sex it is rape. You don't rape someone you love and if you do you should be locked in psychiatric hospital because that's not love.

Show quote history

He is sexually assaulting her by continuing to touch her between the legs when she has requested him to stop. This has bugger all to do with love, and saying he is in love with her (which you don't even know) is not an excuse.

And no, women are not responsible for making men think for themselves. That's their job. And I certainly don't think women should take full responsibility for 'creating this society'

According to you:
Women are responsible for getting men to do things
Women are responsible that men need to be asked in the first place
Women are responsible if men have affairs
Women are responsible for creating society

But even despite your repeated assertations that women have the responsibility to ask/tell men things because in this weird world of yours men's actions are 100% the responsibility of the woman's and they have no brains or agency for themselves, this woman is still in the wrong for asking a man not to grope her.

Can't do right for wrong eh

Snog · 05/08/2022 11:20

Eeeww. This is so disrespectful.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who behaved like this to me OP.

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 05/08/2022 11:21

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 11:08

He is sexually assaulting her by continuing to touch her between the legs when she has requested him to stop. This has bugger all to do with love, and saying he is in love with her (which you don't even know) is not an excuse.

And no, women are not responsible for making men think for themselves. That's their job. And I certainly don't think women should take full responsibility for 'creating this society'

According to you:
Women are responsible for getting men to do things
Women are responsible that men need to be asked in the first place
Women are responsible if men have affairs
Women are responsible for creating society

But even despite your repeated assertations that women have the responsibility to ask/tell men things because in this weird world of yours men's actions are 100% the responsibility of the woman's and they have no brains or agency for themselves, this woman is still in the wrong for asking a man not to grope her.

Can't do right for wrong eh

Show quote history

Jesus, it's like the rules of misogyny come alive!

puddlesofmothers · 05/08/2022 11:25

My parents were very inappropriate in front of me as a kid and it has had lasting effects and at the time was traumatising so good on you for telling him to stop.

I couldn't put up with it and he's not listening is he? Can you tell him that him acting like that makes you not want to have sex with him? Will he even listen?

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 11:34

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 11:08

He is sexually assaulting her by continuing to touch her between the legs when she has requested him to stop. This has bugger all to do with love, and saying he is in love with her (which you don't even know) is not an excuse.

And no, women are not responsible for making men think for themselves. That's their job. And I certainly don't think women should take full responsibility for 'creating this society'

According to you:
Women are responsible for getting men to do things
Women are responsible that men need to be asked in the first place
Women are responsible if men have affairs
Women are responsible for creating society

But even despite your repeated assertations that women have the responsibility to ask/tell men things because in this weird world of yours men's actions are 100% the responsibility of the woman's and they have no brains or agency for themselves, this woman is still in the wrong for asking a man not to grope her.

Can't do right for wrong eh

Show quote history

And that's wats wrong with our society, shifting responisbilyty between pepole and in the end nothing change. And are you saing that only men are rosposible for creating society we live in, if so we as women have to change it and create society where evrybody is equal. Waitng for something to change wont change anything. And if growing up your mom was responsible for everything in house and your dad did nothing you will also act the same it don't have anything to do with the fact od you thinking for youself it has everything to do with environment you grew up. Expecting that pepole will think and do something nobody ever asked them to do is silly. And i think if they are maried and have child there must be love somewere. The problem with our society is thath everybody is waiting for something to change but we do nothing to change it, because it's not our resposibility, it's someone else right? We have to talk and take steps to change things to take responsibylity no mather if you are a man or a woman. The last time someon groped me he got fist in the face from me not any of my friends, and that was a stranger. If i didn't like my other half touching me thats strange in it self but anyway I would talk once or twice andif the tird time wouldn't work there would be consequences, if talking to him didn;t work that means it wont work. And if I want him to change I have to do something becaus he is to dense or stupid to actualy change. And by the way if women can say thaths its men fault thath she cheats(go on social media there is so many of pepole like that) it means that men can say the same. But in reality it's both of theirs fault, no talking, no trying to change something, being pasive, shifting responsibilty that all it's take and it's over.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 11:46

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 11:34

And that's wats wrong with our society, shifting responisbilyty between pepole and in the end nothing change. And are you saing that only men are rosposible for creating society we live in, if so we as women have to change it and create society where evrybody is equal. Waitng for something to change wont change anything. And if growing up your mom was responsible for everything in house and your dad did nothing you will also act the same it don't have anything to do with the fact od you thinking for youself it has everything to do with environment you grew up. Expecting that pepole will think and do something nobody ever asked them to do is silly. And i think if they are maried and have child there must be love somewere. The problem with our society is thath everybody is waiting for something to change but we do nothing to change it, because it's not our resposibility, it's someone else right? We have to talk and take steps to change things to take responsibylity no mather if you are a man or a woman. The last time someon groped me he got fist in the face from me not any of my friends, and that was a stranger. If i didn't like my other half touching me thats strange in it self but anyway I would talk once or twice andif the tird time wouldn't work there would be consequences, if talking to him didn;t work that means it wont work. And if I want him to change I have to do something becaus he is to dense or stupid to actualy change. And by the way if women can say thaths its men fault thath she cheats(go on social media there is so many of pepole like that) it means that men can say the same. But in reality it's both of theirs fault, no talking, no trying to change something, being pasive, shifting responsibilty that all it's take and it's over.

Show quote history

I'm not saying only men are responsible for things. The only person saying only one sex is responsible for something is in fact you.

Men and women are equally responsible for doing the housework, bringing up their children and creating a stable happy home. If one person is having to do everything and is then left with no time and energy to have sex, for example, that doesn't then provide an excuse for the other party to have an affair.

If a decent human being ends up in a relationship where they are not having sex they can do several things:
Have a frank conversation with their partner
Suggest counselling
Decide whether this is a deal breaker for them or not
If it is a deal breaker they can leave

What an arsehole can do:
Grope their partner repeatedly despite being asked to stop
(according to you) use it as an excuse to have an affair whilst still using their partner to do their housework and childcare

And no advocating violence as the answer to sexual assault is not great advice. A man who is willing to cross boundaries to sexually assault his wife is unlikely to stop if she punches him. It is far more likely that it will escalate the situation to rape or physical violence. Besides which, you don't fix assault with violence, that just makes both of you wrong. Its one thing to defend yourself in a one off situation with a stranger, its fucking awful (possibly life threatening) advice to give to a woman in an abusive relationship.

And all that environment nonsense is ridiculous. We all grew up without mobile phones if we are of a certain age, but I don't see men of that generation not using them and blaming it on their parents not teaching them. People learn and develop all of the time.

Both my DH and I grew up with mothers doing more of the housework than our fathers. We share the housework 50/50 because we are grown adults with our own brains, our own agency and our own development which means we can do things differently.

LittleNightin · 05/08/2022 12:09

I had that with my ex, hand down the back of my trousers when washing up, never being able to get a decent night's sleep as constantly harrased, even when I was ill, could never just sit and relax on sofa as he'd be all over me, constant sexual remarks. I told him how it made me feel, even said midwife had said it was sexual abuse etc he still carried it on, hes put me off ever wanting to be in another relationship...left him a few months ago and it was the best decision I've ever made and I'm finally getting a decent night's sleep 🙂

IThinkYoullFindIWasHereFirst · 05/08/2022 12:12

@Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits

I would just like to congratulate you on your well thought through and articulate answers to @FacePalm42
Many people would have taken the low road in the face of such ignorance.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 12:58

IThinkYoullFindIWasHereFirst · 05/08/2022 12:12

@Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits

I would just like to congratulate you on your well thought through and articulate answers to @FacePalm42
Many people would have taken the low road in the face of such ignorance.

Thank you!

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 18:58

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 12:58

Thank you!

Show quote history

So having a difrent opinion and trying to have a conversation is now ignornace.

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 19:11

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 11:46

I'm not saying only men are responsible for things. The only person saying only one sex is responsible for something is in fact you.

Men and women are equally responsible for doing the housework, bringing up their children and creating a stable happy home. If one person is having to do everything and is then left with no time and energy to have sex, for example, that doesn't then provide an excuse for the other party to have an affair.

If a decent human being ends up in a relationship where they are not having sex they can do several things:
Have a frank conversation with their partner
Suggest counselling
Decide whether this is a deal breaker for them or not
If it is a deal breaker they can leave

What an arsehole can do:
Grope their partner repeatedly despite being asked to stop
(according to you) use it as an excuse to have an affair whilst still using their partner to do their housework and childcare

And no advocating violence as the answer to sexual assault is not great advice. A man who is willing to cross boundaries to sexually assault his wife is unlikely to stop if she punches him. It is far more likely that it will escalate the situation to rape or physical violence. Besides which, you don't fix assault with violence, that just makes both of you wrong. Its one thing to defend yourself in a one off situation with a stranger, its fucking awful (possibly life threatening) advice to give to a woman in an abusive relationship.

And all that environment nonsense is ridiculous. We all grew up without mobile phones if we are of a certain age, but I don't see men of that generation not using them and blaming it on their parents not teaching them. People learn and develop all of the time.

Both my DH and I grew up with mothers doing more of the housework than our fathers. We share the housework 50/50 because we are grown adults with our own brains, our own agency and our own development which means we can do things differently.

Show quote history

I didn;t say anything about sex she is cold torward someone who is interested in her, sooner or later he wil find someone who will show him that interest he is carving, he has craiving torward his wife and that is good but it seem she doesn;t want any of this and that;s the problem. Not all men are the same you were lucky that you have a great partner but not all women are so lucky, that is why you have to somethimes take things in your hands. No comunication is bad and it;s mariage ender. Btw i don;t see groping as SA dude was drunk and had wandering hands so i knocked him down next time i saw him he was apologizing, hey it happens. Having opinion that evry touch from man is SA is not good, if i thought like that i would never go out enywere.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 20:03

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 19:11

I didn;t say anything about sex she is cold torward someone who is interested in her, sooner or later he wil find someone who will show him that interest he is carving, he has craiving torward his wife and that is good but it seem she doesn;t want any of this and that;s the problem. Not all men are the same you were lucky that you have a great partner but not all women are so lucky, that is why you have to somethimes take things in your hands. No comunication is bad and it;s mariage ender. Btw i don;t see groping as SA dude was drunk and had wandering hands so i knocked him down next time i saw him he was apologizing, hey it happens. Having opinion that evry touch from man is SA is not good, if i thought like that i would never go out enywere.

Show quote history

Being groped between the legs when you have asked someone not to is sexual assault. Its that simple, no means no.

Maybe if we all set the bar a little higher for the men we date e.g. no sexual assault, actually function as a grown up capable of pulling their weight, don't think no sex = okay to have an affair, we would all be happier in our relationships?

Settling for a man who lets you do 90% of the housework and childcare and thinking you need to 'train' them to do it is not actually normal you know. We all deserve better than that.

As for the communication, the OP is communicating. She is communicating no, and the husband is thinking 'ah well I will do it anyway'. So you are right in thinking that communication may end this marriage, but you are putting the blame on the wrong person.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 20:04

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 18:58

So having a difrent opinion and trying to have a conversation is now ignornace.

Show quote history

A different opinion is one thing, but tbh keep telling us that rape can't happen within any marriage other than a forced one is a little ignorant, as they wouldn't have needed to change the law on marital rape if that was the case.

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 21:14

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 20:04

A different opinion is one thing, but tbh keep telling us that rape can't happen within any marriage other than a forced one is a little ignorant, as they wouldn't have needed to change the law on marital rape if that was the case.

Show quote history

You are the only one ignorant here, we all here make some asumptions and i decided to give her husban benefit of the doubt because we only have her side of the story we don't know how she and her husband realy are. Most pepole decided that he is bad guy, rapist and every other bad thing so i decided that maybe he isn't maybe she is overreacting.
And so i discus and try to see things from perspective of people who only on with a partial information decided that her husband is a bad guy. Deciding from the start that i'm the ignorant one because i have a difrent opininon makes you the ignorant one. Even crimnals have more rights

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 21:18

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 20:03

Being groped between the legs when you have asked someone not to is sexual assault. Its that simple, no means no.

Maybe if we all set the bar a little higher for the men we date e.g. no sexual assault, actually function as a grown up capable of pulling their weight, don't think no sex = okay to have an affair, we would all be happier in our relationships?

Settling for a man who lets you do 90% of the housework and childcare and thinking you need to 'train' them to do it is not actually normal you know. We all deserve better than that.

As for the communication, the OP is communicating. She is communicating no, and the husband is thinking 'ah well I will do it anyway'. So you are right in thinking that communication may end this marriage, but you are putting the blame on the wrong person.

Show quote history

Maybe it's not normal but most of the time is a norm, we all here make some asumptions and i decided to give her husban benefit of the doubt because we only have her side of the story we don't know how she and her husband realy are. Most pepole decided that he is bad guy, rapist and every other bad thing so i decided that maybe he isn't maybe she is overreacting.
And so i discus and try to see things from perspective of people who only on with a partial information decided that her husband is a bad guy. Even crimnals have more rights.

Original poster

Bnxybee · 05/08/2022 21:37

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 21:18

Maybe it's not normal but most of the time is a norm, we all here make some asumptions and i decided to give her husban benefit of the doubt because we only have her side of the story we don't know how she and her husband realy are. Most pepole decided that he is bad guy, rapist and every other bad thing so i decided that maybe he isn't maybe she is overreacting.
And so i discus and try to see things from perspective of people who only on with a partial information decided that her husband is a bad guy. Even crimnals have more rights.

Show quote history

He is not a bad guy. He has some amazing qualities. Not once have I used the term assault. Unfortunately, his approach is immature and tone deaf. Also disrespectful (I find). It puts me off sex!

OP posts:

RudsyFarmer · 05/08/2022 21:38

We have this within our relationship and I really like it. I also enjoy innuendos within our chat. This is because I like having sex with my partner. The main issue here is you don’t want to have sex with him therefore anything he says or does that is sexual makes you feel gross.

Jagoda · 05/08/2022 22:07

I enjoy having sex with my partner, but I would dump him immediately if he took to random groping or idiotic and grim "innuendo."

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:08

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 21:14

You are the only one ignorant here, we all here make some asumptions and i decided to give her husban benefit of the doubt because we only have her side of the story we don't know how she and her husband realy are. Most pepole decided that he is bad guy, rapist and every other bad thing so i decided that maybe he isn't maybe she is overreacting.
And so i discus and try to see things from perspective of people who only on with a partial information decided that her husband is a bad guy. Deciding from the start that i'm the ignorant one because i have a difrent opininon makes you the ignorant one. Even crimnals have more rights

Show quote history

You maintaining I am ignorant for stating rape within marriage can happen is concerning but wrong.

I am not ignorant but I do wonder about the kind of relationship you are in from the comments you have made here and I can only hope its better than the bar you appear to be setting the rest of women

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:11

Bnxybee · 05/08/2022 21:37

He is not a bad guy. He has some amazing qualities. Not once have I used the term assault. Unfortunately, his approach is immature and tone deaf. Also disrespectful (I find). It puts me off sex!

Show quote history

There are quite a few people (not just me) on this thread who have commented on it being assault. I know you don't feel thats the case, and you may not want to feel thats the case, but you are absolutely justified in feeling put off sex by his behaviour with is disrespectful.

Topgub · 05/08/2022 22:15

Op clearly isn't interested in addressing or dealing with the seriousness of his behaviour

What a waste of a thread

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 05/08/2022 22:23

Topgub · 05/08/2022 22:15

Op clearly isn't interested in addressing or dealing with the seriousness of his behaviour

What a waste of a thread

Very occasionally though on threads like these you do get an update some months down the line that the Op has seen the light and left her abusive partner.

The only reason I have continued to contradict some of the comments on here is in case someone else in the same position ends up reading this thread. They need to know that this is not right and its okay to leave someone because of this.

I hope the OP does end up coming back to say they have sought help and/or left.

RudsyFarmer · 05/08/2022 22:46

Jagoda · 05/08/2022 22:07

I enjoy having sex with my partner, but I would dump him immediately if he took to random groping or idiotic and grim "innuendo."

That’s your prerogative. Other people enjoy the touch and flirting.

FacePalm42 · 05/08/2022 22:51

Bnxybee · 05/08/2022 21:37

He is not a bad guy. He has some amazing qualities. Not once have I used the term assault. Unfortunately, his approach is immature and tone deaf. Also disrespectful (I find). It puts me off sex!

Show quote history

You didn't use the term but most of the comenting pepole did thats why i decided that i will try and see things from the other perpective and give him a chance. And maybe if try talking with him some more, it seems form me thath he finds you atractive but acts juvenile if you talking din't help then you can always go with to see sycologist or marriage consueling don't realy know wich will help you at this stage