To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

Might be worth thinking of a return strategy. How long do you plan to be a SAHM (eg. until 3yo funded hours / until school / until secondary)? Are you in an industry that will have changed during that time? Will any professional body members expire, amd what will you need to do to renew? Do you even want to return to current industry, or will you retrain?

Plan B
In event your DH becomes unable to work through illness, disability or death, what will you do?

• need income protection insurance


• life insurance on him


• you need to maintain your ability to earn- this means plan for gaining qualifications or doing a bit of freelance on the side while a SAHM so if you have to become the breadwinner you could.

I think you need to agree what your SAHM job role entails and what it doesn't and how this might change as time goes on (sleepless nights, pre-school, reception, high school etc). Eve Rodsky "Fair Play" is worth reading to make sure you get a good balance for both of you.

What are your expectations for returning to work (or training) and when, do they match those of your DH?

@Sprogonthetyne one of the contributing factors is we’re hoping to home educate, so being home would be very much a long term thing (though of course things change) and some home educating mums do work, especially as kids get older so haven’t ruled that out.
I don’t think my industry is one that would change substantially, I am about to get an MA in my professional area which would stand, I’d just need to keep up with any legal developments which I would out of interest anyway

@Discovereads yes all good stuff.
We have life insurance for DH (and for me) but not currently income protection, we we’re going to add an additional policy when we buy a house factoring these things in.
Im about to complete a professional qualification which will stand and I will keep up with industry changes, I might be able to do some freelance when the kids are bigger, I have already looked into some smaller ‘side’ stuff that I could do related to my field

@Cyw2018 one of the factors in play is we’d like to home educate, so the impact of schooling isn’t something that’s a major consideration (though of course things can change)
I have a sociology degree so the unequal sharing of things at home are things I’m very very aware of! We have a very fair split currently and equally share everything in the evenings and weekends which I don’t see changing. I would do more of the housework than I do currently in the hope that it could be done in the week leaving weekends freer, and just have a bit of a better rhythm for us all.

Tbh I don’t had plans to return, especially if we’re home educating for the next 12-16 years, DH is happy for it to be the plan for life if that’s what works, but we’re both aware circumstances and feelings can change

I think you need to take into account the potential impact on your DH of carrying the entire financial burden for the family. It can be a very stressful thing, and can cause resentment long-term.

1. Ger credit cards in your own name now and use them regularly so that the bank doesn’t cancel them - as once you go to zero income, banks won’t issue you a credit card, you have to be a ‘second golder’ on your husband’s bame which is demenading.
2. Keep a couple of bills in your own name (eg council tax, phone or gas etc) so you maintain a good credit score and also can provide two “proof of address” letters.

Nonsense and unhelpful.

Not nonsense at all. I'm currently the only income in my family and with the current COL increases its keeping me up at night.

Make sure you carve out some time for yourself.

@MolliciousIntent I’m very aware of this and we have discussed it, he’s pretty chilled about it (He’s much more relaxed than me as a person) says yes it would be a big responsibility but he’s fine with that. His income the last few years has been going up in bigger and bigger chunks so that’s definitely giving him confidence. It’s something we will need to keep revisiting

Have two separate savings accounts. One in your name and other in husbands. Then if one partner unexpected dies or decides to disappear each has access to source of money if joint account is frozen or emptied.

@CharlotteOH the only credit card we currently use is in my name, and it’s used fairly regularly (for holidays, bigger purchases then paid off, always 0%) I have a really good credit rating and it’s something I’m conscious of.

All our bills are in just my name or both names, I’ve always managed this stuff

@Hankunamatata currently all savings are in the joint account or in my name. If he decided to sod off he’d be in trouble!

• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability

I would get the house with both salaries. If the economy goes tits up lending will be tighter

also how secure is his job, with the increased energy costs I think businesses & in turn could suffer.

I just wouldn’t advise it ever, I’m sorry. We had all the safety nets you described, then we divorced because he was unfaithful and I was left alone. I pretty quickly had to re-train and look after myself and the kids, and it was pretty tough. Also now, 8 years later with teenagers, I can’t imagine what my life would be like as a SAHM.

My advice would be to look really hard at the complete worst case scenario- what if he left you? What if he died? Are you and the DC protected?

Also, homeschooling might seem lovely with tinies but will you be homeschooling teenagers? What will your life look like in your 40s and 50s?

My biggest advice to anyone with young children would be protect your own future. Don’t rely on a man.

@locomocol the hope is we could use my pre maternity salary for affordability before I actually quit, but we’ve always said we wouldn’t want to stretch ourselves beyond what we could afford to pay on just DH salary. A bank would lend us much more than we want to borrow

Think about the social side of things. Make sure you get time with grown-ups.

I love my children but I’m definitely guilty of not making any time for myself / not socialising without the children etc.

@locomocol his job is pretty secure as they go (you never can know really) senior job in IT/tech, company growing a lot.

Set up a "Things I've Done whilst SAHM" doc & update with the dates & things you do whilst being at home. Then you can make update your CV when / if you want to return to work. I put all the pre-school committee / PTA / governor stuff down with dates, just with 'voluntary' in brackets after every one.
DH may need to fill in a tax return whilst not claiming Child Benefit so you can get your NI. If so, put any Gift Aid in his name as he'll get some credits back.

@Confusedteacher totally get where you’re coming from, and I’ve always felt similar until recently. I have every faith in him but you never know what’s round the corner. I want to protect myself as much as possible, but I don’t want to live in fear either. Yes we would home educate teenagers, unless they chose something else. Home educating families tend to have a great community network so I’d probably continue to be involved in that with them

@Pixiedust878 absolutely! I very much need time alone and doing me stuff, which DH appreciates and happily facilitates

@1stWorldProblems as we’re not doing school it will likely be more ‘what I’ve set up for the home educating community’ but yes definitely get your point.

We wouldn’t take the payment so don’t need to do the tax return