To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

Everything @Confusedteacher said.

the hope is we could use my pre maternity salary for affordability before I actually quit, but we’ve always said we wouldn’t want to stretch ourselves beyond what we could afford to pay on just DH salary. A bank would lend us much more than we want to borrow

Yes that what I meant but I would try & buy asap as interest rates aren't going down.

his job is pretty secure as they go (you never can know really) senior job in IT/tech, company growing a lot.

Personally I wouldn't quit for a yr or so as I just think there's so much uncertainly.

@locomocol baby isn’t due till Jan, with 12 months maternity leave and a 3 month notice period I don’t have to decide anything for a long while yet. I may well go back to work for a bit and then leave to stay home, we haven’t ruled out a 3rd baby either so yeh, definitely no rush to quit, just thinking about what ducks need to be in what rows

@locomocol but company is big, international and doing well, made not a single redundancy during covid, and they love DH.

I think vowing to commit to the next 18years+ home educating your children before they even reach school age is a bit pie in the sky.

We also can’t buy until bank of FIL contributes deposit help, which won’t be before the end of the year

Home educating families tend to have a great community network so I’d probably continue to be involved in that with them

Do they? How do you know? Are you in touch with one now? I know a few people who home educated and it all went a bit pear shaped. How do you intend to home educate teenagers? What about GCSEs?

Don’t want to piss on your chips, but on the other hand this is a MASSIVE decision.

I agree. Home education is based on the Childrens needs. Some would prefer school?!

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz No different to committing to send them to school their entire childhood before you know whether it will suit them/if there’s any SEN/future mental health difficulties/bullying etc. School fail a lot of kids.

@CornishTiger if they decide to go to school they can, but I don’t think school is the number one best system and all alternatives second best.

@Confusedteacher yes I know home educating families, and Im already connected to our local community which has a lot going on for kids. Home educated teenagers do GCSEs all the time, you can enter as a private candidate or through an exam centre.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Agree on the mental load and hold each other accountable.

I did the reverse of what you're doing.

@Gr33ngr33ngr4ss were thankfully very well aware of this stuff, have great communication and he already does more than his fair share, so this is one area I’m not worried about

I’m well aware you can enter as a private candidate but in my experience (as a parent and a teacher who has worked with previously home educated students) very few parents have the skills to prepare their children adequately for the exams at home.

It seems a bit soon to be deciding to home school without even looking at your local schools?

If it’s what you want to do, good luck to you! Just trying to point out the pitfalls from the other side.

No particular advice except to say as an ex home ed sahm I just want to encourage you to follow your instincts. It'll be a tiring, rewarding, sometimes lonely but overall amazing journey. 🙂 I don't regret it for a second.

It seems you have it all sorted. Not sure why you needed to post tbh.

@Confusedteacher for what it’s worth my mums a teacher, and both her and her friend (the Head of her school who’s a family friend) are both very supportive of our decision and think we’ll do it well. Headteacher friends quote was ‘if anyone can do it well it’ll be you’. So hey, we’ll see.
The local schools (which I’m actually very familiar with) are irrelevant because it’s about choosing a different route and style of education, not just disliking a particular school. I’m not anti schools, but I think we can do something broader, more creative and with less unnecessary testing and pressure. There’s so many brilliant teachers but the system is very broken

@CornishTiger the question was what could I have forgotten, if it turns out nothing then that’s great. It’s still useful to ask

@Alittlenonsensenowandthen thank you 🙂

I was thinking this.

Probably will fall on deaf ears but @Confusedteacher gave good advice.

Have you ever actually home educated before?

Because I have a sociology degree (actually a PhD) and a teaching qualification, and I found that home learning during lockdowns was a level of hell I had never anticipated. It’s hard work and very easy to lose yourself if you aren’t keeping up on aspects of your professional life, which is difficult if your Dh plans to work FT.

Tbh home learning in a pandemic due to lack of choice is not the same as choosing HE.

You need to factor in some time and space to do something you enjoy without the kids & H. Hobby, paid work, whatever.

Your H needs to consciously make an effort to build a relationship with his children. This falls by the wayside really easily when one of you is around all the time.

You think you don't need to formalise the load sharing because your H is a good guy. I'm telling you from experience you do need to. Give him a task now that is his forever. Laundry is a good one. It is difficult for both of you to remember you're not a house elf when you're in the thick of it.

I wouldn't do it personally, having been at home with my kids for years before I went back to work. But you sound organised; maybe you can make it work.

You’re absolutely right, it’s not. But it’s still a whole lot closer than baby and toddler groups. The reality of being at home totally focused on teaching with little time for your own interests and professional development is the same.

What is your situation with savings?
You mention having to rely on parents for a deposit which doesn't sound as though you have much.