To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

I think home education can work very well. Not for me though! mine are at summer camps the next 7 days so I can have some peace and quiet at home 😆

How will your children learn a good work ethic and how to socialise amongst the rough and tumble of school. They need examples from their parents and to learn how to deal with contemporaries outside the home to prepare them for adulthood.

I think it would be better for you to go to work, build your career and fund an independent education for them if you think state schools are broken.

It most certainly isn’t nonsense. Dh and I both earn good money but I’ve been Ill for six months and not really earning. DHs income alone can support us but even so, the stress of knowing everything is on his shoulders financially is considerable and keeps him awake at night.

I think making decisions when you have tiny ones gives you a rosy glow to your vision. I understand that desire to stay at home and to create a role for yourself which enables you to stay with your children. However as they grow older there’s a possibility that your feelings may change. It might not be until ages 7,10 or teen years but the relationship dynamics change as your kids start to push away naturally from their parents. It can create horrendous tensions for some and being everything to your kids is a risk. If you have a huge row with a teen and then attempt to prepare them for a forthcoming exam… I can’t even imagine. I know you have a sociology background but the path isn’t linear here in terms of how this will go. It could be great for one of your kids but awful for another. I think as long as you are flexible it is better and you can respond to any changes that might be required. Just watch out for your employability in case of any split with your DH. May sound ludicrous but it can happen to the most idyllic seeming couples. It has happened to a significant proportion of friends and family and those who are SAHM are now retraining in their 40s/50s to ensure they can support themselves as the kids will no longer get maintenance payments due to age and leaving home.

Not nonsense at all. Worth thinking about.

• Homeschooling:

Have you got any prior experience in teaching/coaching children and if not could you somehow find a way to get some exposure before you commit to homeschooling? Appreciate that your mums a teacher so you'd likely have support/guidance but it might be a good idea to do it yourself solo first to identify areas you might struggle with (attention management, behaviour managememt etc) so you can spend time looking into those before you start.

• Its great that you are not going for a maxed out mortgage but you mention its still based on your DHs earnings. One of the biggest problems that faces divorcing SAHMs is that they can no longer afford the family home because their income isnt enough to get a mortgage, or their income isnt enough to stay in their area by the kids schools, or their income isnt enough to rent/mortgage solo at all. So i guess if i were you i'd think that through a little bit - worst case scenario, what would your earnings be if you had to go back to work suddenly, would a bank take you on for a mortgage with those earnings, etc, what impact would it have on the kids to jump from homeschool to mainstream.

• There are some fantastic homeschool communities out there but what my friend found when she ended up homeschooling her 12 year old is that the people in her local community who were homeschooling neurotypical children were people who had very different ideas to her - behaviour/time management largely non existent which had a resulting impact on learning, lots of anti-vax and conspiracy theorists, lots of 'do not conform/fuck the establishment' messaging as opposed to 'you can live life differently' and while its lovely to think they might learn a new off grid life, the reality is most of them will need to work to pay rent and bills and this attitude was resulting in active hostility towards any authority figures.

To be absolutely clear for anyone reading this whose about to jump on me: I am not saying this is all homeschoolers in the slightest, and im not looking for a debate on any of the topics above, this was ONE community in a relatively rural area - my point is, get a proper feel of what that community looks like and if that matches up with your values and goals. If not, whats the plan.

• What is your plan post- homeschool?

I think the “resentment” bit is nonsensical though. I’ve been sole earner in the family but that was as a result of our agreeing to it so DH could go to Uni and get a second degree. So he was a SAHD plus Uni student for several years. It was stressful being only income and I was a bit jealous of all the time he got with the DC. But I didn’t resent him because the whole point of it was for the DC to have that extra parental support while primary age and also to improve my DHs future earnings for when they would be expensive teens and Uni students.

The only time I had resentment from being sole earner was when DH was constructively dismissed for being a whistleblower and was then on JSA for 11 months during Covid. No one was hiring during the worst of covid except key workers which he couldn’t do as one of our DC is CEV. I admit while knowing he did the right thing whistleblowing I had wished he’d found a new job before blowing the whistle. Because his former employer was absolutely horrible to him until he resigned. ACAS said he had a case but we couldn’t afford the £1k to go to tribunal plus the £10k quoted to us by an employment solicitor “just to start things off”.

@User952539 @MolliciousIntent I think your situations are different as “can support us” is different to “can give us a good lifestyle”

In your situations where 1 income is tight so causes stress; it wouldn’t be advisable to live off of 1 income. There are wealthy families where this isn’t an issue because 1 income is large enough that there is no stress or being kept up at night worrying. The family can have a very good lifestyle with no worries. In your cases, it seems the income pays the bills and not much else therefore potentially causing resentment and stress. Unless 1 is a very high earner, I agree the resentment and stress will occur.

Well no since DH earns £275k

I think it depends I know 2 couples having marriage issues over working patterns. 1 the mum earns & the dad stays at home, he's feeling emasculated & insecure. The other the dad earns & the mum is at home, & they have help with childcare. He wants to reduce his hours & have more time at home but the change in lifestyle is not want the wife wants. Both of these relationships worked well for a number of years so I think it's also mid life crisis issues etc.

Both workers earn good 6 figures

@MercuryOnTheRise you seem to think home education involves no interaction with peers or people outside the home, this is a common misconception but is very much not the case

Personally I think the higher the earnings the higher the stress of carrying that alone as it has more of a lifestyle impact.

@BuffaloCauliflower
Great, I suggest you have equal amounts in sole names as well as your general savings in joint names. The majority of our investments and assets are in my name as well. Complete transparency is essential. Do you have a financial advisor?

It's really important to keep the conversations going about your situation too. Particularly as your planning on this long term. We didn't but it's ended up that way and we've had relevant points to discuss it for example, when things have changed with my husband job.

Also think about even longer term. I don't know how old you are but once the children finish education what will you do? What are your husbands career goals? Will they fit in with what you want to do? When does he plan on retiring?

Agreed

@dostyh absolutely get that! My children will do plenty of clubs and groups outside the home, and probably do some holiday camp weeks as well because they’re great experiences. My godchildren are doing a drama camp week and a sports week this summer which both look fab, this activities aren’t closed to home ed kids 🙂

@User952539 and he’s up at night worrying about what exactly? Is his income not secure? Is your mortgage not paid and school fees paid in advance? Do you not have investments and savings?

Of course, it was more the point I need my time away from them so I couldn't home educate!

@easyday my dad died suddenly fairly young, before retirement, so I’m definitely not blind to these concerns. We will definitely have life insurance that covered the mortgage (this saved my mum)

@User952539 @dostyh its ok. We’re talking about very different levels of wealth here. Not circa 300k. A wealthy family could have 1 part time and 1 SAHP and not be “stressed” I’m assuming large mortgage costs etc for the PP who’s husband earns a couple of hundred thousand.

@demotedreally and others that have expressed similar things - I’m completely open to the fact things may change, in many ways, and school may be something we do after all. Life throws many things up, you can’t foresee every route. But I think it’s more prudent to try and prepare for all options not just the being at home short time - hope for the best, prepare for the worst I suppose. If my children want to go to school that’s absolutely their choice to make

Thanks @Discovereads 🙂

and he’s up at night worrying about what exactly? Is his income not secure? Is your mortgage not paid and school fees paid in advance? Do you not have investments and savings?

The income isn't always secure because most high earners don't earn those figures for decades. Burn out is a thing & industries can be cut throat. Investments can suffer (plenty lost loads during covid & financial crash) & it's rare for savings to match years of higher earnings plus low interest rates have eroded them.

@dostyh yes we’d get a much better rate putting 20% down, but sadly have nothing like £80k lying around so not much hope there 😂
We have house deposit savings in a LISA, and money to cover things like car repairs, unexpected bills, Christmas etc (which is more than my parents ever had my whole life) we don’t have a whole extra house deposit just waiting in the wings. I’d love to know if there’s many people in their early 30s who do.

Yes. You really do have to consider what you would do if he lost his job. Would he easily walk into another one, or could he be unemployed for some time? And what if he got ill?

Personally I'd look at both of you working part-time - you share the financial and childcare burdens and you've always got the safety net of two incomes.

I know you're going to come back and say that couldn't possibly work because he's the main breadwinner and he's a man after all, but think about it with an open mind. It would also be better for home educating as well - the two of you will be better at different things.