To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

Ok, so homeschool if you really believe in it. I completely hear you, there is an awful lot wrong with the education system. But why is it all falling on you? Can’t DH go part time and do some of the home schooling?

Just do what you and your dh want to do. There are always chances it won't work out/you won't like it as much as you thought, but there is also always the chance that out of fear of it going wrong you never actually get to live life the way you want. I used to love my job, but the stress of dh and me trying to juggle 2 careers with demanding, unsocial working hours became too much, and our dcs, being non-neuro typical, started to show high levels of distress and just couldn't cope with the lifestyle. So I decided to become a SAHM for good so that we could relocate and create a simpler, quiter, more family focused life. I felt so awful about myself becoming a SAHM, but it turned out the best thing I ever did. It allowed dh to focus on his job, and as he is also in tech at a global company, his salary since increased by more than I could have ever earned. We have reduced our outgoings and invested our money in our home and jointly owned assets (well, for tax reasons I am the sole benefactor of all returns of our investments, so while I trust dh, he also trusts me). When you buy a house, get legal advice about what form of ownership is most suitable. I am not a lawyer but think joint tenants is better than tenants in common, as you'd automatically own the house should your dh die. Also make sure you are the beneficiary of your dh workplace pension.

I agree with having a plan for returning to work.or at least be prepared to be flexible in your plans. My youngest is 7YO and life is completely different to what it was when he was born!

I was similar to you. I worked full time after DS1 was born and hated it. DS2 was born two years later and all I wanted was to be home with the kids all day. I was bored and miserable by the time my youngest was two. I went back to work full time when he was 3 YO.

I also think the idea of home schooling when you only have one two year old ATM is ambitious. I tried homeschooling two kids at once during Covid. Never again.

Well you are a better woman than me. If I attempted to home school my kids there would be two mounds in the back garden and an empty house. I couldn't think of something I'd rather do less!
I do know a few parents who did home school theirs but only in primary years. The children all wanted to go to regular school fur secondary, one girl proclaiming after her first day that it was 'the best day of her life'! Not sure how to take that as most kids do not live school that much!
So I was a sahm. My husband earned a lot and we decided I'd stay home as my work paid less than two kids in daycare.
The worst case did happen - he passed away suddenly. Life insurance did not cover the mortgage but we luckily had quite a bit of equity so I could firms use to a house half the size but still buy one. Then I moved to a much cheaper area to maintain our lifestyle. It was hard but we managed.

Some good advice already given OP.

As others have pointed out

• keep credit cards and other account in your own name
• get life insurance for both yourself and your husband. If anything were to happen to you your husband would not be able to continue working and take care of the kids (at least in the short term)
• have your own savings account
• continue your pension contributions
• come up with a plan for when you want to return to work (even if you change your mind later)
• I would ideally try to buy the house now with the mortgage based on 2 incomes

You might want to reconsider homeschooling. I have 2 friends who are doing it and they're finding it really hard and regretting it. Their main issue is that even though they could understand the concepts themselves but they were not able to bring that across to their children effectively. It's not surprising as they are not trained educators.

I don’t understand how you’re considering this when you’re relying on parents to provide a deposit for a house. Currently you can’t afford to house three of you and you’re speaking about having a third child. Will your husband’s salary realistically support five people when, on two salaries, you can’t house three now?

If it’s your parents providing the deposit, please ensure you get legal advice to try to protect that amount should things go wrong.

Going from being two working professionals with one child, to a one-income home-schooling family of four (and potentially five) is a big, big shift so don’t underestimate the impact that might have on you, your husband, and your marriage.

Of course they can house their kids, they ARE housing them. It isn't own a property of love on the streets. And they'll continue to house their kids paying probably less on a mortgage than on rent! The issue is the lump sum of thousands of pounds. DH earns 30k, I don't work but we could afford a mortgage on a suitable house if only we had a good deposit behind us

I had help with a deposit & lived at home a bit rent free but I do think it's a bit odd that you have a good income, have planned to have dc but not saved enough for a deposit. Assume your inlaws are trying to sell something hence why you are waiting for the money?

DH earns 30k, I don't work but we could afford a mortgage on a suitable house if only we had a good deposit behind us

Do you have cheap housing where you live? I genuinely don't understand how one can support a family on 30k, are you not entitled to help?

Your children are very young for you to be making a decision to home educate until 18. there is a massive difference between primary and secondary. It also seems like some of the best provision re home schooling is going to be costing you quite a bit of money if you need tutors, trips etc.

Your post isn’t really becoming a sahm- it’s much more than that. Realistically your plan means never working again and that will add considerable pressures to your finances in later years. Pension provision for you both will be an issue. If you’re needing parental support for a deposit it doesn’t sound like you’re as secure financially as you might need to be to sustain this for 20 years.

I remember planning to home school when I was pregnant with my second...
I think I learnt they it is unwise to make big decisions when you are pregnant or have tiny babies.

I now have 3 at a fantastic primary school which feeds their creativity extensively, and I have a big job trying to make a difference for others.

Sorry, I meant to add - the planning sounds great but also just give it time to see where you end up. Having babies is a time of change - for everyone

I think go for it OP. You’ve got everything you need for a Plan B if it goes tits up, so don’t be put off by the negativity. There’s huge social pressure on women these days to work as an employee earning money every day God gives you.

I had considered home schooling my 4 DC as well, but quickly found out that I’m not a good enough teacher to be running 4 curriculums in parallel! So, to add to the Plan B stuff I listed (and which you have covered), I would be looking to buy your home in an area with decent state schools so that sending them to school remains a viable option if need be.

My DSis has been a SAHM (previously a stay at home wife), her entire married life. Her twins are now 13. She is very counter culture and had tried home schooling and it wasn’t her that made it difficult, it was the fact that the twin boys were uncontrollable little imps. So she has been sending them to school the past five years and it’s been much better for their relationship as she said she was turning into “a shouty mum”. At first she was then a bit embarrassed to be a SAHM with school age DC…as there’s stigma in that unless you can say “well we home school so I’m teaching FT”. But now she is perfectly happy running the house and has a circle of SAHMs to socialise with. My BiL is a maths professor but from a well off family- his parents bought their £1m home. So they have no mortgage/rent to pay and his income easily covers their outgoings.

How you and your DH run your family is your choice. You do what is right for your family. Social pressure be dammed.

@Mardyface I’m not sure where you’re getting ‘you think you don’t need to formalise it because your husband is a good guy’ from, I’m basing my opinion on the fact we’ve lived together for 9 years through multiple different changes of life where everything has been shared fairly in different ways at different times. Of course we’ll discuss how things would change with various house things, we already have. I don’t need to ’give’ him tasks, we decide together who’s doing what. On the laundry - I tend to put things in the machine and on, he tends to take them out, hang them and put them away.

To the various people who are concerned about home education (which it is, home schooling is a different thing, you’re not trying to recreate school at home) I completely get that it’s a lifestyle choice lots of people wouldn’t choose, and that’s fine, I’m not here to convince you. But I would suggest it’s not hard to realise that the home schooling people were having to do during the pandemic - hours of online classes with 29 other kids and reams of worksheets, with poor parents trying to support them whilst also working, barely leaving the house and not socialising with other kids - is very very different to normal home education which includes none of those things.

Meh

You are swapping work for being a teacher, not taking an income, and everything else stays the same.

You are relying on your partner to provide financially 100% and his family to provide the deposit on your house.

If anything happens to your partner (you fall out of love, he leaves you, you leave him, you get divorced, he dies...) you are pretty much screwed- as your lifestyle choice relies on him financially supporting you 100%. So that makes the power balance totally uneven. Except if he dies- then you have insurance- which hopefully will be enough to cover your desire to be a SAHM and full time home educator.

I wouldn't do it. Doesn't matter how much insurance you have- I would feel far too vulnerable.

Also- I agree with earlier poster re his resentment. As the only breadwinner for our family for years, it is incredibly stressful. You have to make decisions based on security of finance rather than follow your heart. It can be galling if you are forced into this and can see your partner doing exactly what they want you have to suck it up as even if they did rejoin the workforce, no way could they take over financially.

It might start out even (ish) but the gap widens every year.

Does the amount you think you can borrow from the bank take into account child number 2??? If not, you might find that the amount they are willing to lend will reduce once you disclose that.

People can feel this way so it isn't nonsense, and it's much less unhelpful than your comment

@MrsBwced we have a good amount of savings plus a 5% deposit, PILs are helping us get it to 10%. We live in a stupidly expensive area, though we are moving to a slightly less expensive one.
@Whadda we are housing ourselves no problem, we can easily afford mortgage payments which will be similar to our current rent, and we can save on top of that. Our income has leapt up dramatically the last 3-4 years but covid furloughs and pay reductions reduced our saving for a period of time. We also focused on paying off debt from less responsible times in our 20s first.

To whoever said it but I can’t find now - no, PILs are not selling anything to help us out

@Confusedteacher because I want to, I want to be at home being with them. DH works entirely from home and is here all the time so does a lot more than most dads anyway. Him going part time would massively reduce our financial security which doesn’t seem like a very logical move

@Rainbowqueeen yes it does, we still want to borrow less than that

I probably would maintain some kind of part time work schedule to keep your hand in. The worst case scenario can and does happen and it's hard to recover from quickly.

Make sure you contribute as much to your pension as you would if you are working. And Godspeed for the rest of it.😄

I wouldn’t do this, for the reasons @Pigsears has outlined. I think you are making yourself vulnerable and isolated. And I am not generally a fan of home educational outside of very specific circumstances.

That said, you do seem to have thought it through carefully and to the extent that anyone going into such a vulnerable situation can protect themselves you seem to have done so. Your DH sounds supportive which is a big consideration.

As others have said, I would keep an open mind and be prepared to be flexible if things don’t go to plan.

To whoever said it but I can’t find now - no, PILs are not selling anything to help us out

I said this because I was confused why you are waiting. Interest rates will only get higher.

we have a good amount of savings plus a 5% deposit

have you contacted a broker, You will get a far better rate if you can put down at least 20% so better to use your savings to do that & then start saving again.

we can easily afford mortgage payments which will be similar to our current rent

that's the same for the vast majority the barrier is the deposit

I know a family who home educated their three children. The father has a very high level job so finances were not a problem. The mum did a lot of the teaching but they were part of a home ed community so socialised a lot and did a lot of learning with other parents.

As the children got to teens and could be a bit more independent the mum set up her own company in a field related to her former work. The DC were involved as part of their education, although the youngest chose to go to sixth form. They now employ two staff and had a turnover above half a million last year.

They are one of the most grounded and solid families I know.