To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

A wealthy family could have 1 part time and 1 SAHP and not be “stressed” I’m assuming large mortgage costs etc for the PP who’s husband earns a couple of hundred thousand.

Yes but wealth & income are different though aren't they which is why a higher earner who is servicing everything from a salary could feel more pressure than someone who is wealthy. Most younger people even with a good income find housing costs eat a chunk of salary.

Well this isn’t a thread about me but obviously when you have a high income you tend to have a large house, school fees etc. DH is a lawyer and so his income is actually profit share not salary so if there is a downturn in business they can ask partners to put money in and hold back the profit share. Plus it varies year to year. And if he was suddenly unable to work, lost his job etc then there are high outgoings. We can’t pay schools fees in advance.

im not asking anyone to feel sorry for us clearly, I’m just saying that if everything is on the shoulders of one person it can be stressful for them.

@gatehouseoffleet i currently work part time and it isn’t working for me. It should be the best of both worlds but for me it feels like the worst.
Its got nothing to do with him being a man, but he does currently earn 3 times what I do and it’s increasing sharply. I don’t think reducing his income is very sensible at this point.

Sounds like you've thought through the practicalities and have a good plan in place. Some good advice on this thread too.

I'm a home edding SAHM (and have done it from the start with my 3) so if you'd like to chat about the day-to-day realities feel free to PM me. It's mostly fantastic, but there are days when I wonder if I've made the right decision.

I've also just started doing some very part-time work so I have something for myself, now that my youngest has mastered reading.

@BuffaloCauliflower I had help as I said as did most of my friends. We also saved like mad as needed to put down 6 figs 10 years ago. Obviously dc impede the ability to save but I understand why people don't/can't wait. Maybe you should wait a bit more & save what you can, if house prices are hit by the economy I don't think it will "show" until a few yrs.

Keep your professional development up to speed and have a side hassle related to it, even if on a very small scale. Otherwise you risk being 20yrs down the line and unemployable, when you might prefer to be working. It is also a good insurance move against changes in circumstances.

Don't underestimate the need and value of having some dedicated time available for your own wellbeing and health. If you are with your children 24/7 then you need to factor in when you will have some recharge time. Consider what support your husband is able and willing to give. There may be areas of home-education that he would like to be involved in. He might want to contribute towards family life, other than providing financial security. Encourage his involvement. Avoid becoming insular.

Consider the costs of home-educating too. Although, like most things in life, you can do things as cheaply as possible, a reasonable budget helps. For example, accessing groups where there is a shared cost involved, online learning, books, materials. If you are going to continue to GCSE level, then exam entries are ££ and add up per subject, plus texts and resources etc., If you continue to A level, then £££ for exam entries.

Thanks @GrouchyKiwi I might take you up on that 🙂

@User952539 exactly role & industry make such a difference. A relative was a partner at a mc firm and was super stressed during the 08 crash. My dad was a banker & the 90s recession was a blood bath. Of course if you have family wealth to fall back on it's far less stressful but my dad was an immigrant from a very wc background.

If my children want to go to school, that's absolutely their choice to make

This is all hypothetical as you have one toddler right now but how would the "choice " thing work?
Is it fair to allow big decisions like that to be made by children? What if they started school and then decided they didn't want to go because they'd fallen out with Tommy in year 2? Their choice?
What would their choice be based on? Would they have the emotional maturity and experience to navigate the social side of a school setting at age 10 for example.

What if your 14 year-old dd had an enormous row with you over her new boyfriend? Are you then able to sit down with her and teach algebra?

I personally think your home schooling / free parenting vision will look very different in reality.
In conclusion; I'd advise being more open minded instead of planning this one vision.

Have you factored home ed into your budget long term? Increased utility bills from being home all day, lots of various clubs which tends to be the norm and driving to them all so needing a second vehicle?
My friends home ed and it costs them a fortune.

@SmileyClare no it’s not a choice for a small child to make, we are making the choice to home educate because I think it’s what’s best for them, but with an older child/teenager they would be involved in making decisions about their lives. I’ve said many times I’m open to things changing. But you’re also looking at this from the perspective of school being the default, and therefore somehow better. I don’t think a 14 year old who’s fallen out with their best friend would be open to learning much in a classroom either! And I don’t think schools have a monopoly on teaching socialisation and emotional maturity

What's the plan when the children are no longer school age?

I would think that re-entering your industry, whatever it is, after almost 20 years, would be incredibly tough.

The landscape will be entirely different after that length of time (or 5/10 years even) in any industry and there are things you can't simply pick up / learn looking from the outside in.

Therefore I think you need to do some freelance work every year (other than during maternity leave) to keep your finger on the pulse and maintain contacts.

Otherwise what happens if the kids turn 18 and your DH has a breakdown and stops work, is very ill so can't work, or you split up and he doesn't want to give you any more than he absolutely has to?

It's not just life insurance, you also want to make sure he has decent critical illness cover. And private health insurance, because he can't afford to be to unwell to work.

And I would ensure you are near decent schools in case it doesn't work out. I have quite a few friends who were evangelical about homeschooling - but within a few years all their children were in normal schools.

Finally, what is your plan if he cheats on you or similar? Because everyone should have a back up plan. No one can be sure their partner won't. (A quick read of the relationship boards tells you this). Will it be easy to get back into your profession? Or should you keep up some training/voluntary experience so ut is easier to gwt a job if you need one

You got defensive when I was genuinely trying to be helpful and with the benefit of experience of doing more or less exactly what you're talking about, also married to a good guy. The clue was in 'it's difficult for you BOTH to remember...'

I would explain more but I'm taking my bat home. You asked what you were forgetting and I told you what you were forgetting. You're welcome.

I think the concept that your pay pays for childcare needs reconsidering, half is paid by his half yours. Part of the benefit of keeping your hand in work is you can keep a career on back burner, you both paying for that is important to take into account. So dont discount your salary as just covering childcare and therefore not worth having, make sure you don't feel continuing some work is an investment in your future employability

So having read your post about the house deposits I'd strongly suggest saving more before you go into this especially as you are planning doing it long term.

With all the sensible plans you have in place, I would still work - eve if it was just 1 day a week.

Seriously.

I'm speaking from bitter experience here. Same situation as you - all the precautions in the world, everything in place and left high and dry with such a large gap in my career that my degree was rendered practically worthless by the time I had to look for work to support myself and DC because DH left.

If I'd kept my career going by working just that 1 day a week, covering maybe holiday cover every now snd then, it really would have made such a difference to my life now.

^this is my crystal ball

Now I am at the end of the school run days, I am thinking of the things that have happened to the families I know (some minor details changed as too outing but v similar):

1. Most, if not all children, have at least one grandparent who has died. The caring for the remaining parent/in-laws falls on the women as being ‘non-working’ means you mop everything up. Many of us have ended up caring for a parent with dementia for a few years (violence/inappropriate behaviour) before they are put in a home. Social services have come for money gifted to parents when required for a home.
2. Many divorces which are complicated by affairs and (particularly men) starting new families so they don’t have time for the old one.
3. Two mothers have died. One father.
4. One mother went blind.
5. Several mums and dads have life-limiting illnesses and have been bedridden.
6. Several children have had cancer and other illnesses that have required long hospital stays.
7. One mum had a car accident and, to save the leg, had to be in a frame in bed for 6 months.
8. A couple of children have been expelled from a private school for porn/drug related incidents. Been difficult transition to get them into state.
9. Parents losing their jobs. Men particularly prone to depression.
10. Mental illness hitting grandparents/parents/children to the point they cannot function.

Not great reading, but in 18 years time you will know people in these situations too. And you’ll be responsible for picking up the pieces. Many women are SAHP because of these pieces.

You need critical illness cover for both of you and you need to look at how to find a pension. If, whoever is lending/giving you money, is needing care/ homing in the future, think if morally is it up to you to provide it? Discuss this with them.

You must never let your children pick up on your negative views on mainstream school as you may be forced to need it.

I'd agree with others, you're very defensive when posters express their views or point out possible difficulties you may face.

I don't want to get into a debate over home schooling but there's a danger that you're setting yourself up for massive disappointment or failure (in your eyes) because your vision of home schooling sounds idealised and a bit naive, sorry!
I say this as a parent of teens and an adult.

As far as your finances go, and the protection you've put in place for yourself- fantastic.. you're very privileged to have the choice of not earning.

You must never let your children pick up on your negative views on mainstream school as you may be forced to need it.

I totally agree with this?

Also curious whether you and your DH went to mainstream school as clearly it has enabled you both to get qualifications and careers...

I’m not trying to be defensive, and I’m not sure why it’s defensive when people say ‘what about this’ to answer with what I’ve thought about it?

@SweetSakura i don’t have a negative view of schooling, I went to some lovely schools, I do think the current system is narrowing education and not moving with the times. Focus seems to be on going backwards rather than creating a new system that prepares children for a different world of work. A good 80% of the jobs our children will do haven’t been invented yet, but there’s no drive to create a system that teaches creative or critical thought and problem solving to grow with this.

DH left at 16 and only has GCSEs, I left school at 15 for various reasons and didn’t take any qualifications, I did all my qualifications off my own back post 16, went to uni as a mature student in my twenties. My life has taught me there isn’t only one defined route through education, learning how to learn is what’s key

@SmileyClare you may see it as idealised but I’m basing it on what I can see. I’m sure it will be a really hard choice at times, but school is also a really hard thing for many children and parents. School is the norm in our society so I appreciate it’s the baseline for many people, but it’s really not as simple as home ed = hard and expensive for parents and school = easy and free for parents. School trips cost money, uniforms cost money, having a child who is bullied or not enjoying school is hard on parents. There’s a lot of factors at play.

Not nonsense and not unhelpful. I think if she's a SAHM she may need to shoulder more of the housework burden too ( after what would be get maternity leave) otherwise it's just get that benefits from the arrangement.

Just her not get.