To ask for help in thinking through the admin of becoming a SAHM

[BuffaloCauliflower]

I know MN always has plenty of thoughts on protecting yourself as a SAHM so thought I’d ask for some help to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Currently have a toddler, and pregnant with no.2. I currently work part time but for various reasons (mainly because I want to) I’m thinking of staying home after this next maternity leave and not going back.

Some things I think we need to do/points I know I’ll be asked about

• Don’t currently claim child benefit as DH earns too much, but will now and just not get the payment for the NI credits.
• Pay into a private pension. I’ve got an old workplace pension not doing much, I think I’ll move it somewhere I can access and we can top that up
• We already have one joint account for all money, and I manage that money and our savings, so no concerns about accessing money as I need
• Yes we are married
• Hoping to buy a house next year, we’re in a stupidly expensive bit of the country and have been waiting for some now forthcoming parental deposit help. We can buy what we want on just DH salary for affordability
• We can pay everything we need to comfortably on DH wage, my wage is currently just for childcare and savings
• DH very supportive of whatever I want, but does have a preference towards me staying home as he can see how much I’m not enjoying trying to balance all the things and not being the mum I want to be (he equally parents and does more housework than me so it’s not for lack of support that I’m wanting to stop working)

Anything else I might not have considered?

A good 80% of the jobs our children will do haven’t been invented yet, but there’s no drive to create a system that teaches creative or critical thought and problem solving to grow with this.

Yet you assume that the uninvented 80% will require skills which are not taught in schools...!

What's your plan if he leaves you or treats you badly @BuffaloCauliflower ? Everyone should have a plan for that. Lots of "perfect" husband's let their wives down.

@titchy where did I say that?! I don’t think schools are awful and useless and haven’t said that anywhere. But I also don’t think the school system is moving with the times or offering the education lots of people are going to need. Our system is also massively lagging behind many other developed nations, which do much better despite being much less pressured. This isn’t an unusual opinion, a vast number of educationalists agree. But this isn’t a conversation about the education system.

@SweetSakura if we needed to break up I’d get a job! I’ve had to get myself through life despite a significant number of setbacks, I’ve made my own path and been resilient and picked myself back up repeatedly. I’d do the same again. This is also why I’m thinking about things like private pensions, NI credits and savings rather than wandering blindly into the ether.

I also don’t want to live in fear.

The smaller things are often where the downfall lies I’ve found.

Will you have an amount of money that’s your personal spends?
Will you have set time away from the children that is respected as your time?
What happens with your DH working late/going on work nights out etc? - he needs to commit to not just assuming you’ll be the 24/7 parent and he doesn’t need to even check.
Discipline - it’s so so easy to fall into the habit of you being the main one to discipline the children (which will be especially so if you also are the home educator) which can very much set up a good cop-bad cop situation where you are rules, homework and tidying and Dad is weekends, relaxing and days out.
What’s your back-up if/when you’re ill?

That's why people including me have suggested you doing some freelance work each year, or idea some each month, so you can re-enter the workforce if needed without having had too much time away from your industry and can maintain your earning potential and not lose handy contacts.

It would be tough in most industries to re-enter with no work experience for more than a couple of years out, let alone 10/15/18, so definitely worth thinking about to keep your earning potential where it is now.

@JustLyra Great questions

Will you have an amount of money that’s your personal spends?

• We’ve shared all money for quite a long time now, and haven’t felt the need to do a specific ‘me’ or ‘him’ pot. But we do use YNAB and allocate budget lines for different things, like going out, buying clothes, kids stuff etc.


• Yes I’m pretty confident that will continue to be the case as it is already. We’re both people who need to recharge alone so we’ve got really good at respecting that need in each other.


• he’s never been this way before so I don’t see that changing, this year I’ve worked many more late nights/extra hours than him and he’s just got on with it. I’ve never been the 24/7 alone parent, even when I was on maternity leave. We both say ‘I need to do this, can you do this’ and it always works out pretty equal. I’ve been sick and pregnant the last couple of months and he’s done way more than his fair share.


• very aware of this as it was a mega downfall for my parents who did not deal with this well with us kids. We’ve always worked very much as a team, and because DH works 100% from home he’s here a lot more than the average which makes a difference. We’re very much on the same page parenting style wise and back each other up


• short term illness I guess the same as is it now, if I can’t parent he takes the day off. I had covid badly earlier this year and he took 2 days off. When I’ve been suffering with pregnancy illness lately he’s come down during work to change nappies and give lunch and taken over as soon as he finishes so I can go to bed. Long term illness is harder to plan for, but we’re not moving too far from family support for a reason

@BuffaloCauliflower

Yes I’m pretty confident that will continue to be the case as it is already. We’re both people who need to recharge alone so we’ve got really good at respecting that need in each other.

he’s never been this way before so I don’t see that changing, this year I’ve worked many more late nights/extra hours than him and he’s just got on with it. I’ve never been the 24/7 alone parent, even when I was on maternity leave. We both say ‘I need to do this, can you do this’ and it always works out pretty equal. I’ve been sick and pregnant the last couple of months and he’s done way more than his fair share.

My DH is considerably more hands on than many, yet we fell into both of those traps briefly.

Its very very easy to do.

Complacency is a massive danger. For both of you. It’s so easy to slip into bad habits because it’s “just half an hour” and “just one night”.

The other thing I’d say is you need regular review points where you both sit down together and be bluntly honest about what is working and what isn’t.

Long term illness is harder to plan for, but we’re not moving too far from family support for a reason
If you see my earlier post, you will realise will will be the family support for others in the next 18 years. It is likely you will be the carer for older generations.

Not if the man values the role of an at home spouse. Be clear on your role and his role.

I don't expect anything of my husband when he's home housework -wise as it would only get in the way of my systems.

This works really well and we are clear on what is his and what is my responsibility.

When you home ed don't come on here, use facebook to find local groups and go and meet them in person. There are loads and loads of groups around these days for home ed activities.

There's no reason for him to resent someone who is facilitating his career and his coming home to a clean, welcoming place where he can offload his responsibilities completely. There's nothing to resent.

If you were both working his workload would increase, not decrease.

Many men enjoy and take pride in providing for their family.

@JustLyra completely hear you. We’re already pretty good at bringing things fairly formally and dealing with them, but definitely not one to get complacent about

You can send them to school any time. I home educated for two years and it was great but it demands more of your time as they get older and we've decided to send ours to school now, which is always an option. It's not make the decision then you can never change it, not sure where you would get that idea from.

You can send them to school any time.

True. But that involves a bit of foresight that you might want to in the future, and ensuring that despite the decision to home educate you are in a good school catchment that isn't so oversubscribed you will be on the waiting list for years

I would definitely keep your options open on schooling until you know the personality of your unborn child, the relationship dynamic between your two children and the impact on yourself and your husband of having 2 children full time at home.

So I would buy a house in an area that has good school provision as a backup.

@BuffaloCauliflower sounds like you got it all covered and it’s great that you’re putting all this infrastructure in place before making the move. Many don’t. Although reading this thread makes me glad I’m not a SAHM, too much to think about! I’d be really worried all the time.