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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 27/07/2022 17:37

Your DH is being ridiculous with all the threats, etc and certainly don’t go home as you’ll be setting a bad precedent.
However, as much as I love spending time my children, if I was a teacher and had 6 weeks off in the summer, I would hate to spend it all with no time for myself at all.
Its basically going to be all his holidays that will be spent on the children as he’ll only be off when school is off. If I use childcare full time during term time, I’ll change it to 1 or 2 days during the holiday based on what we can afford so that at least each week of the holidays, I have a day or two to myself only.
I know some people do it all but I can’t imagine spending all my annual leave on childcare only that’ll certainly frustrate me in the long run.

Topgub · 27/07/2022 17:37

Its a bit worrying the op os scared of pissing him off and starting an argument

Also, isn't this his 5th year of 6 weeks with the kids? 3rd with 2?

If the kids are 5 abd 3. Surely he's used to it by now?

switswoo81 · 27/07/2022 17:39

Summerof22 · 27/07/2022 17:08

There was another thread where a woman said her teacher friend was keeping her kids at nursery over the summer and people were telling her to mind her own business and stop being jealous.

now it’s a male teacher wanting time off and everyone calls him every name under the sun.

I agree , I am completely shocked at the difference in the responses the op was called judgy for suggesting a female teacher should have her kids at home during the summer.

CallOnMe · 27/07/2022 17:43

I’m a single parent and have my DCs by myself all of the time.

As a teacher I count myself lucky everyday that I have most of the holidays off and I am able to spend it with my child as I know most people would give anything to be able to do the same.

If someone has an only child than I can see why they’d want to put their child in a club or nursery for a couple of days but I think it should be as little as possible as the holidays are for enjoying with your children and it makes me sad when people choose to put them in a club just because they don’t want to spend time with them.

rwalker · 27/07/2022 17:43

This thread isn't unusual as the person covering the lions share of school holidays resenting the person at work .
what is unusual is them siding with the person working .

WonderingWanda · 27/07/2022 17:49

I'm a teacher and I have always been the holiday childcare in our house. In fact it's the only bonus still keeping me in teaching.

NorthernLights5 · 27/07/2022 17:52

Also if he has the children for the full 13 weeks outside of school time does he ever get annual leave time without childcare? every single working parent know spends all of their annual leave with their children as they use it all to cover school holidays. I'm unsure why it would be any different for teachers. Full disclosure though I'm a carer so aware that this devalues my opinion/intelligence for many posters!

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 18:01

Skoolsout · 27/07/2022 15:53

Does your oh help you plan your week?
In an ideal world I wouldn’t suggest this but compared to the DH moaning so much and the DC ending back in nursery I’d try my suggestion. He may need guidance and ideas on how to structure the week. The first couple of weeks of he school holidays can be a bit trial and error.

He did it last year, hlwhy should op be better at planning out HIS week than he is? Imagine if a woman moaned to her DH about the kids being a handful and he responded by planning out her time for her because he knows better

TheOrigRights · 27/07/2022 18:01

What is this annual leave w/o having the children all about?

I can't think of anyone I know who (bar the odd special, unusual or necessary occasion, like funerals or medical appointments or an extra day for a Hen do) takes leave outside of school holidays when they have school-aged children.

That said, I'm a single parent working full time (non teacher) so I'm just bitter and twisted at the moment.

Youaremysunshine14 · 27/07/2022 18:03

berksandbeyond · 27/07/2022 17:27

Bit worrying he's a teacher no?
Can't handle his own two but handles a class of 25+?

Surely you can see the difference between teaching a class of other people's children using trained behaviour management techniques compared to dealing with your own having an emotive and explosive tantrum because you won't let them have their third KitKat of the morning when it's only 10am? You can't compare the two!

dizzygirl1 · 27/07/2022 18:07

Ffs it's ridiculous, the rest of us manage to do childcare for summer - i either wfh or take leave to cover it. I don't have family or others to look after my children.
The whole 'teaching is hard' thing is a bit of an excuse. A lot of us work full time, and late in the evening, even having to travel, we all have to deal with it!
He needs to grow up

Bordesleyhills · 27/07/2022 18:13

A couple of days out, playing in the park will help break it up. They are tiring but being organised and having a few holiday days will help out. Are you heading for a family break?

Christmasfun2022 · 27/07/2022 18:20

I sympathise with the facts it’s hard, I’m on mat leave with a 4.5 year old and a 7 month old atm, and I am sending the 4.5 year old to nursery one day a week and dance camp another day a week, also breaking it up with a short trip to friends in another town who also have kids, and staying with in laws…also making sure working DH fully pulls his weight regarding bedtimes and meal planning! It’s hard!!! However, agree with PP that he should be sorting strategies to cope, not just texting you as what can you really do about it while you are at work, apart from stress?

billy1966 · 27/07/2022 18:24

OP,

A friend of mine had a park nearby and paid her lovely teenage neighbour to take the children for a walk and play in the park.
She gave them a blanket, drinks, treats etc and they spent 3/4 days a week doing this while she recovered from surgery.

It worked very well for her.
It could be money well spent if he is generally good with them.

dottymac · 27/07/2022 18:24

A week and a half in 🤦 I'm 9 years in and when I have a crap day, I have a cry then scrape myself up off the floor and go and make them dinner.... because that's what you do for your children that you love... One step in front of the other, ad infinitum 🤷

Icedbannoffee · 27/07/2022 18:26

A class of children in a school environment is different to your own children at home, I don't think it reflects his abilities as a teacher. I could see why he might be discontent if he wasn't getting any time to himself over the holidays (to caveat I hope you have some annual leave when they're in childcare throughout the year if that's what you want to do so shouldn't just be him)- but sounds like that's not the case. It sounds like a sensible arrangement given finances etc and whilst I'm sure we all struggle sometimes, and whilst it's good he is being honest he shouldn't be using emotive and guilt tripping language to you at work. Can he tell you what in particular he is finding hard?

ancientgran · 27/07/2022 18:32

sashagabadon · 27/07/2022 13:57

Jeepers - it's only day 1
female teachers seem to manage this change when they have kids ok - many say this is why they like being teachers - school holidays off with the kids!
depending on age of children many councils run cheapish summer schemes and so he should research booking them into those for some days. I'd leave it to him to sort though - not you!

There is another thread about a mother who is a teacher having her kids in nursery all summer. People seemed to think it was fair enough.

Original poster
totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 18:36

DS is an unholy terror - defiant, won't do anything he's told, and knows how to push our buttons. DH let it get to him far too much today, rather than drawing a line under and moving on.

OP posts:
kateandme · 27/07/2022 18:45

Isn’t all time off when you have kids that age just time with kids.I don’t remember us or my parents ever thinking it might be a given we wouldn’t be looking after the kids in their holidays.not even nursery or summer camps.have times changed?when the kids are looking after age one or both parent did it.I think they had a summer acitiviry camp for one week every day when they were 8 and 10. Apart from that the kids were ours.

Circleofshells · 27/07/2022 18:45

@totallybonafido honestly this sounds like it’s a good learning experience for him. Hold the line, he’s finding it difficult, he’s going to come up with some strategies over the time he has with them and some will work. Then next time he will be a lot more empowered.
He should just suck it up, and if he actually said he hates his life (not in a jokey way) I think you should not engage with that kind of talk at all. Chance for him to grow as a person, it sounds like he, in fact, has a very good life and is a lucky man.

ancientgran · 27/07/2022 18:47

It's hard sometimes isn't it. I've brought up 4 and I used to enjoy having holiday time when they were off school but one day I was ready to commit murder. I was tired, not feeling great and the two youngest, 2 and 4, were being awful. At the time our local Safeway supermarket had a creche. You could book them in for up to 90 minutes as long as there were spaces. I arrived at the desk and said, "Don't tell me you're full." The young woman looked at me and clearly could see I was nearly at the end of my tether and she took the kids and I sat in the cafe and drank coffee, had a cake and read the paper.

When I went back after 90 minutes she asked if I was OK and I said yes, she said they were quiet and she could keep them longer but I was fine after the break.

All those years being a mum and coping and on that one day I was so close to losing it and if I'm honest it wasn't even that different to other days. So glad there was no MN and no one to judge me on one difficult day. I think it probably happens to lots of parents.

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2022 18:56

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 14:21

No, not the first summer - although last year I was still WFH a lot more and he went to stay with his parents for a few weeks

Show quote history

With or without the children?

What happens at weekends?

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/07/2022 18:57

He prob doesn’t usually have them Both alone all day lots

msny dads don’t tbh

i love dd 5 to pieces

but she’s also booked onto summer club 2 days of think 4/6 of the school weeks

for her fun snd my sanity

if that makes me a bad mum then so be it

We have 3 other days together a week , 5 if counting weekend

TheWayTheLightFalls · 27/07/2022 19:20

All those years being a mum and coping and on that one day I was so close to losing it and if I'm honest it wasn't even that different to other days. So glad there was no MN and no one to judge me on one difficult day. I think it probably happens to lots of parents.

I agree with this. I think this thread has gone down a bit of an alley tbh. DH is at home, dealing with pain in the ass DS + sibling, with five weeks more of the same looming. He complains to his DP, rather too dramatically. It happens.

I’m at home with my three, all under five. Today was lovely - the four year old pushed her baby siblings on the swings in the local park. If you’d have spoken to me yesterday I’d have also told you that I hate my life and find my baby son a bit of an asshole. It happens. I’m a good parent, but I’m allowed to find things difficult and worry about how I’ll cope.

justgotosleepffs · 27/07/2022 19:29

He basically has to suck it up. I sm a teacher, as is DH. Before children, the school holidays were a long stretch of leisure time. One DCs came along everything changed and the school holidays were all about looking after the children. However, we had them in childcare one day per week (childminder required us to keep one day as a retainer over holidays). I think if you can afford to, let him have a day of childcare per week, but other than that he just needs to get that life has changed

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