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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:
FatBettyintheCoop · 27/07/2022 16:56

Your DH needs to stop being a pathetic numpty and step up and parent his OWN CHILDREN. Please don’t drop everything to save him. He needs to set some routines and get on with it, like the rest of us do. He’s only doing it for 6 weeks, for goodness sake!

I bumped into DS’s teacher last week in Lidl. His two children are pre-school age so he’s busy looking after them plus his 8yr old nephew last week too.

We are in week 5 of the school holidays and have another 5 weeks to go. (Irish prime school) He asked about DS and our holidays and I told the teacher again what a great teacher he was.

converseandjeans · 27/07/2022 16:58

And also, for those of us who are not teachers, no I don't take all my annual leave during the holidays and neither do my friends! I take at least a few days or so every year to get stuff done on my own or just have some chill time.

Maybe this is why non teachers are struggling to cover school hols if they're using up annual leave when it's not school hols 🤷🏻‍♀️

Goldbar · 27/07/2022 16:58

What is irritating is not that he's venting but that he's catastrophising. All this 'I hate my life' and 'I'm in a rage' stuff is designed to upset you and to provoke a response. Totally different to saying to your spouse 'I'm finding it hard work' or 'I'm a bit fed up, can you take DC out for a bit at the weekend?' which I've said to my DH many times before.

On hard days when you really don't feel like doing much parenting, there are things like TV and softplay. He doesn't need to be dad of the year every day, he just needs to keep them safe and fed until bedtime. Maybe remind him of this.

GeriTheBerry · 27/07/2022 16:59

Having a tough day and a bit of a moan is normal. Texting your working spouse about how much you hate your life and getting so enraged that your spouse wonders whether she needs to leave work is very much not.

Not sure what he was expecting really but he sounds pathetic. As PP have said, he needs to make plans for things to do rather than just expect to be able to put his feet up and then lose the plot when he finds he can't. When did people become so incapable?

wonderstuff · 27/07/2022 17:02

I think you’re dh is getting a hard time here! I’m a teacher mum and I am utterly exhausted at the beginning of the holidays, I absolutely would appreciate my dh getting home early on a bad day, which he would when he could. Mine are teens now so much less bother, but tiny ones are really hard work.

I had a season ticket to a farm park that we spent an awful lot of time at over the holidays! During summer often friends with kids are also away and solo parenting for weeks on end is tough.

DogsAndGin · 27/07/2022 17:02

🤣 it’s a benefit to being a teacher! Free childcare in the holidays

wonderstuff · 27/07/2022 17:02

your

Summerof22 · 27/07/2022 17:08

There was another thread where a woman said her teacher friend was keeping her kids at nursery over the summer and people were telling her to mind her own business and stop being jealous.

now it’s a male teacher wanting time off and everyone calls him every name under the sun.

ToadiesCouzin · 27/07/2022 17:13

Until you said you had family help, I was going to suggest you try to organise some childcare so he could have at least a few child free days. But as it sounds like he's going to get that at some point this holiday, he absolutely does need to just suck it up. His child-free days are over, he may as well accept that and make the best of it!

Youaremysunshine14 · 27/07/2022 17:14

I can see both sides of this. My OH teaches primary and when he finished at the end of last week he was absolutely shattered. People don't realise how mentally full on teaching is – frankly, having to be focused on 30 kids day after day is my idea of hell. So I know that for the first week of the hols my DP needs to switch off and rest and I rarely plan anything beyond a trip to the cinema or a takeaway. It's easier now our DC is older and can amuse themselves or go out and meet friends, but I used to keep them in nursery for the first week just to give him a break and some time to himself. So while I think your DH is being a dick with the stuff he's saying in texts and calls, he probably is genuinely struggling with end-of-term tiredness.

veiledsentiments · 27/07/2022 17:15

I’m a teacher and female. It used to take me a couple of days to get used to being around my own children rather than other people’s. It could just take a couple of days to adjust. It certainly did for me.

GarlicBread4Life · 27/07/2022 17:15

Your follow-up posts sound a lot like back tracking and making excuses, OP.

He is a grown man looking after his own children for a few weeks. He shouldn’t be messaging you at work about how much he ‘hates his life’. That behaviour is pathetically immature and selfish.

Fundays12 · 27/07/2022 17:16

Phobiaphobic · 27/07/2022 15:32

Rather than getting angry with him maybe find out what’s going on when you get home and put in a plan for the summer for the days he has them. I keep a weekly calendar and we always go out every day even to the park , walks, duck pond, beach, swimming etc. I have a list of all local fun places and work through it based on the weather forecast for the week. I pack a picnic and we head of about 10:30. Sometimes till 3 pm or sometimes just for a couple of hours. It helps so much as they are tired out and eat outside so less mess. I get all the washing etc done and hang out before I leave and certain chores. It’s a pain but helps a lot.

How about OP's man-child husband makes his own bloody plan?

I didn’t say OP had to do this but he can and if she wants to help crack on.

Bobby80 · 27/07/2022 17:16

I’m a teacher and put my DS into childcare 4 mornings a week during the summer. It’s a personal choice but I enjoy the time off and I think it makes me more focused on DS when I collect him as I’ve ticked off all the other things I need to do in the morning.

However, I also think your husband is being manipulative. However you chose to your childcare should be a discussion and mutual decision rather than as a result of him guilt tripping you.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 27/07/2022 17:18

Summerof22 · 27/07/2022 17:08

There was another thread where a woman said her teacher friend was keeping her kids at nursery over the summer and people were telling her to mind her own business and stop being jealous.

now it’s a male teacher wanting time off and everyone calls him every name under the sun.

Yep. Only women are allowed to struggle on here. As soon as a man says he fids parenting hard work, he's slammed.

Somethingneedstochange · 27/07/2022 17:20

He's a teacher how does he manage a classfull of children but can't manage his own two?😂😂😂

wordler · 27/07/2022 17:22

Just remind him that it's their age that's making it particularly hard this year - the 3-6 years can be brutal with some kids but he just needs to get through this year and 1-2 more and it will all be much easier.

ie. Don't let him 'catastrophize' into "all my holidays are forever ruined" - try to get him into looking forward at easier days to come.

abovedecknotbelow · 27/07/2022 17:23

Somethingneedstochange · 27/07/2022 17:20

He's a teacher how does he manage a classfull of children but can't manage his own two?😂😂😂

DH is a teacher, he can't reach or manage his own kids, he puts his teacher voice on and it just fucks them off. The people I know who struggles most in lockdown were teachers trying to teach their own kids.

Op - he needs to grow a pair
Or pay for childcare.

antelopevalley · 27/07/2022 17:24

Summerof22 · 27/07/2022 17:08

There was another thread where a woman said her teacher friend was keeping her kids at nursery over the summer and people were telling her to mind her own business and stop being jealous.

now it’s a male teacher wanting time off and everyone calls him every name under the sun.

I do think you should mind your own business about what other people do as we have no way of knowing her circumstances,
In this case OP can answer questions so we know it is simply that he finds it hard looking after his own children.

dreamingofsun · 27/07/2022 17:24

so he has had 2 kids but doesnt want to spend time with them? You cant chill with kids but my maternity leave was a dossy dream compared to working and bringing them up. He needs to man up

berksandbeyond · 27/07/2022 17:27

Bit worrying he's a teacher no?
Can't handle his own two but handles a class of 25+?

YellowPlumbob · 27/07/2022 17:28

Your DH is a shit Dad. If he wanted his summer holiday to remain child free, he shouldn’t have had children. He needs to grow the fuck up and you need to take his anger far more seriously than you are.

Pissing him off, winding him up and he hates his life? Fucks off to his parents for several weeks?

I'm failing to see where the fuck he is a good Dad/husband.

jabbathewhat · 27/07/2022 17:30

He’s totally unreasonable!

we are both teachers - so neither of us gets a child free holiday as much as I’d love a day or two.

i find it’s a case of not having had to fill time with children before and having everything arranged for them.

he does need however money to do fun things with them if he’s not paying for childcare. For example, swimming, softplay, museums, coffee out.

but realistically he needs to just man up and do it. He hasn’t lost his holiday - he’s gained time with his children. It’s not as if you will get a holiday without children really is it? (Unless if the deal is that you take holiday whilst kids are in childcare, then you are being very unreasonable….!)

Caterina99 · 27/07/2022 17:32

Presumably you decided together that you weren’t going to use childcare over the summer and he’d be looking after them?

I was a sahm for the preschool years and it is pretty relentless. Especially day after day at home. I agree that routine and meeting friends helps a lot with your sanity, and I definitely used some nursery time and holiday camps too to break it up.

Fairislefandango · 27/07/2022 17:35

Bit worrying he's a teacher no?
Can't handle his own two but handles a class of 25+?

I'm not defending his inability to deal with his own dc, but it's very, very different from teaching, especially since he's a secondary teacher and his dc are little. You rarely have the same 25+ kids for more than an hour at a time, and they have structured stuff to do and a behaviour system!

Being a crap at wrangling little ones all day is no indication that you aren't a decent secondary school teacher. So no, not worrying at all that he's a teacher tbh.