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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher DH and childcare in summer holidays

373 replies

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

DH is clearly resenting the loss of his child-free summer holidays, where he would be free to please himself for the whole 6 weeks. I am getting several messages a day about how much the DC are pissing him off and winding him up and how he hates his life. I know what it's like, I have looked after the DC by myself several days a week while I was on mat leave. DH has let them get to him way too much and has worked himself up into an absolute rage. I've been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

AIBU to think that DH just needs to suck it up? It's not even for the full 6 weeks as we'll have family help for some of it and will also be going on holiday as a family for a week. I do understand how he feels as he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher, but I only have limited holiday and don't get any time off work by myself either.

OP posts:

Hallamus · 27/07/2022 16:09

oops accidental strikethrough.

Deadringer · 27/07/2022 16:09

Surely one of the perks of being a teacher is spending time with your dc in the holidays. When you have kids you are usually either with them or at work, thats the reality for parents. Your dh sounds very selfish.

Sharrowgirl · 27/07/2022 16:12

I’m sympathetic to him actually. While
it’s true that most working parents take their time off during the school holidays, it’s not necessarily ALL of it and not for six weeks straight. It’s hard going.

WonderingMum2 · 27/07/2022 16:13

Oh FFS. That’s one of the advantages of being a teacher! He should try it from the POV of two parents with two weeks off each trying to manage. Don’t bail him out but if you want to be kind, maybe help him plan the days so he has a routine. When I was on Mat leave I needed one thing a day , park, playground etc to hang the day around. Like, kids are hard. But they’re his kids!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/07/2022 16:15

Does he take them out? I found being at home more difficult with under 5s than being out and about. He needs to structure his week a bit, plan days out, visits to friends/family. Maybe invite some of their friends over and hopefully they'll offer a visit to theirs etc.

Needadatenight · 27/07/2022 16:16

Going by your updates it sounds as though things are otherwise good and he's having an exceptionally bad day?

All those saying yes not getting sympathy because he's a man, this is completely untrue. When did we all become so incapable of looking after our own children?

I've been a (young) single parent with no input at all from the dad, hardly any money, a demanding job, I had to use all my annual leave for childcare and later I worked in a school so was off all through the holidays.

Honestly I struggle to understand why mature, reasonably well off, married people can't cope.

Headbandheart · 27/07/2022 16:16

totallybonafido · 27/07/2022 13:51

DH is at home with the 2 DC while I'm at work. DS goes to nursery term time only, as we agreed that it doesn't make sense to pay for childcare while DH is at home with DD anyway.

I worked full time when youngest got to 3 years. One of things I treasured was about 4 days leave per year as individual days to have a day to myself. No kids. No partner. But then I’m an introvert
I’d sit down between you and agreee how much of your leave each you take as a private holiday for just you. It needs to be fair split. He could take his during any school hols and you need to cover childcare or family or nursery etc so he can have an uninterrupted day to himself. Then the reverse is true too.
just start figuring it for yourselves.

GuyFawkesDay · 27/07/2022 16:18

OP he's being an arse.

I'm a teacher. My husband has gone off for 2 weeks to help run the commonwealth games. I have therefore taken 2 kids and a young dog on holiday solo.

I am bloody knackered but it is what it is! I love my kids, even though they drive me crazy sometimes but summer hols with them are amazing.

notacooldad · 27/07/2022 16:20

A lot of people have asked about paid childcare over the summer, I don't want to be too specific in case he reads this but we do have some days in nursery/camp planned. He won't be on his own with them for the whole summer at all
I wouldnt worry about being too specific at this stage.
You e already said hes a male teacher who is sending multiple texts saying he hates his life to his partner while shes working and hes supposed to be parenting them.
Hopefully there's not too many men up and down the country doing that as well which narrows the field a bit of who it could be.

SpringIntoChaos · 27/07/2022 16:20

He's a dick!

I'm a teacher and absolutely LOVED the time I spent with my children in the holidays...they don't need me now, but I was also a single mum with literally no family around me when they were younger.

Your DH is an arse...I couldn't be dealing with him at all!! Tell him to get a fucking grip and parent his children!!

33goingon64 · 27/07/2022 16:23

Not read thread but would say he needs to work out a timetable of activities, day tips, play dates, organise games, movie slots, library visits, walks, garden games etc and if you can afford it some holiday clubs to give him a break once or twice a week.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 27/07/2022 16:26

You say he's having a bad day.
It can be tough - as you know :)

Perhaps this calls for supportive noises and sympathy... but not you dropping everything to take over.

He'll get the hang of it.
One of the best things about summer was seeing my own dad (a teacher). I have happy memories of that. (True - he was often a bit on the grumpy side at the start when we were all getting to know each other again - but lots of fun once the holiday got working.)

Lomex · 27/07/2022 16:26

I was at a kid's party on Sunday. I happened to be talking to 3 teachers (2 dads and 1 mum) and i did the whole "are you happy about the hols" and all 3 rolled their eyes and agreed that it wasn't the same when you had kids and it was bloody hard entertaining the kids for 6 weeks. However none of them suggested they wouldn't do it! Because they are parents and accept it's part of being a parent. I think him wanting a break is fair enough, but to be like this by day 3 is not on.

Rafferty10 · 27/07/2022 16:26

Why did you have dcs if looking after them is so unpleasant?

I get the first after all no one knows what having a child is like until one does it, but why have another if you cannot happily parent solo? Its not compulsory!

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 27/07/2022 16:27

What did he expect was going to happen to his summer holidays when he had children?

Danceswithkids · 27/07/2022 16:28

I never see SAHMs being given much sympathy for the hard task of being in sole care of their kids for literally years on end, but here apparently six weeks is tough and the poor man needs a break after a few days 😂

Poor kids!

Bookworm20 · 27/07/2022 16:31

he's losing one of the big benefits of being a teacher,

Ummmm, surely when you have dc the biggest benefit is being able to spend the school holidays with them?

I don't understand this. I would be over the moon if I got to spend most, if not all, of the dc's summer holiday off work and being with them.

I think he needs to think of some stuff to entertain them/do with them, because it sounds like he is looking at this like a chore and not as a fantastic opportunity he has to spend this time with his kids. Hi hates his life? bloody hell, poor kids! Lets just hope hes had an exceptionally trying day and doesn't actually think that about his family.

Good luck when you get home OP!

LilacPoppy · 27/07/2022 16:31

@gemloving did you just have children as a part time hobby? Looking after your own dc is not working in childcare.

WibblyWobblyLane · 27/07/2022 16:38

Dd has always gone to nursery in the summer holidays and this year goes to holiday club. Dd needs constant stimulation and always wants to play with someone, whereas some days I just need time to zone out and drink my coffee in peace. So it's money well spent. We still have foreign holidays together, we still go on days out, but being on maternity leave with a potato was much easier than being constantly on call with kids.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/07/2022 16:39

Lots of parents struggle with their DC in the long summer holidays, mothers and fathers. I have a few friends who are teachers, including one man who is amazing and does all sorts of activities with his daughters.

Out of my female teacher friends, they generally love it and are grateful for the time with their kids but:

They tend to have some daily routines
They often meet up with friends or family
They put them in childcare/holiday camp some of the time for a break or to work, often 2 days a week or a block of a week. likewise going to stay with grandparents. Some of my friends go on holiday without their children during this time. They certainly don't spend all day every day with them.
When the dc are very small (pre school), they find it tiring and hard to fill the time, especially if the weather is bad and/or they don't want to spend a lot of money

I agree your DH needs to get used to it and not complain at you and definitely not ask you to come home early - but let's not pretend all working mothers love the long summer holidays with small children.

And also, for those of us who are not teachers, no I don't take all my annual leave during the holidays and neither do my friends! I take at least a few days or so every year to get stuff done on my own or just have some chill time.

FinallyHere · 27/07/2022 16:39

been considering going home early today to take over as DH is not handling it well at all.

Why would it be up to you to sort this out? When you were on maternity leave, how often did he swoop in to relieve you?

Thought not.

Maybe he he would to revisit the decision about saving the money on childcare over the summer.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 27/07/2022 16:51

I've always put my kids in holiday club 1-2 days week in the holidays (I also work term time). Why shouldn't I have time to myself? Not only do I schedule health appointments but I can meet friends or do something on my own.

Unless there's a financial reason, why shouldn't any parent have some time in the year when they're not working and not looking after the children?

NoGonnaLie · 27/07/2022 16:52

Haha! That's kids for you.

But then he knew that, didn't he, when he agreed to sex with you and the possibility of the patter of tiny feet?

To be fair, I'm losing it myself this holidays. No one ever tells you just how fucking hard and relentless it all is.

ToastedCrumpetwithCheese · 27/07/2022 16:53

That being said, it's not your issue to fix, he should talk to you about it and you should decide together if you can afford some childcare in the holidays. I certainly wouldn't be coming home from work early to take over childcare from my husband unless he was ill.

converseandjeans · 27/07/2022 16:55

In his defence, he is generally really good with the kids and not at all averse to taking them out and organising things. He is definitely having an exceptionally bad day.

He's probably just tired then. I've already seen posts on here and on FB family lockdown page from women saying they have had enough after 2 days school hols & they get loads of sympathy.

For the sake of the kids I would try to book them some childcare or a half day with grandparents or something.

We never sent ours to childminder in school hols even though we had to pay half. I think I would have done a day a week to give me a break though. We're both teachers so liked having them home but it's easier when there's two adults.

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