Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH being out of the house 12 hours a day is a long time

131 replies

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 12:36

He has a long day and a long commute on top of that meaning he's often gone 8am - 8pm. He doesn't make a lot of money (working for the family business and apparently it'll pay off eventually 🤨). I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and 6 month old and it is exhausting. I'm trying to work but with the children it's very difficult and I only manage to do a couple of hours a week either when the baby is napping or after they're in bed (which has to be late as otherwise DH wouldn't see them).

By the end of the day I just end up sticking DD in front of her tablet so I can get stuff done.

It feels like a lot. Is a 12 hour day normal? I know this is like asking how long is a piece of string...

OP posts:
Dolphinblues · 27/07/2022 12:37

That’s hard. Does he do five days a week?

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 12:38

It's not abnormal, no.

However, you're on a hiding to nothing trying to work with a toddler and a baby at home - it's not fair on your kids, they need your attention. If you need to work, is it possible to put them in childcare?

toomuchlaundry · 27/07/2022 12:39

If it is a family business can you move closer? Who are the other family members involved ?

pd339 · 27/07/2022 12:40

Not unusual unfortunately. I've done much longer days in my time.

buckingmad · 27/07/2022 12:40

Pretty normal in my experience.

I leave the house at 6:30am and get back at 6:30pm on my work days.

Original poster
UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 12:41

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 12:38

It's not abnormal, no.

However, you're on a hiding to nothing trying to work with a toddler and a baby at home - it's not fair on your kids, they need your attention. If you need to work, is it possible to put them in childcare?

I don't work when they're around - DD1 is in nursery every morning so I do a bit when DD2 has her morning nap or once they're both in bed.

Yep, 5 days a week and no possibility of working from home.

OP posts:
stormelf · 27/07/2022 12:42

My DH leaves the house at 5.45am most days and isn't home until 6.30pm at the earliest or 10.30pm when he is on a long shift. He is a shift worker so isn't Monday to Friday and can sometimes do a 9 day stretch without a day off. I'm at home with our three DC (4, 2 and 7 months) and yes it is definitely exhausting for both of us. But he loves his job and he does get the added benefit of a four day weekend once a month. Unfortunately on the days he works the DC don't see him, well the baby does but the other two go to bed earlier.i guess it's just something we have got used to

dreamingbohemian · 27/07/2022 12:43

A lot of people do it but I wouldn't say it's normal. 8-10 hours yes, 12 hours no.

I would not work that many hours for low pay unless I had no other option, does he have other options?

Either way you should not even be trying to do any work, that's crazy.

Triffid1 · 27/07/2022 12:44

I wouldn't consider that a ridiculously long day when you consider commuting as well, although it's obviously not a short day either.

MOre important to me is what is he doing when he's NOT at work. So if he leaves at 8 and gets back at 8, is he taking part in helping with the morning routine before he leaves or is he in bed until 7:15, quick shower and shave, breakfast and gone? Ditto, when he gets back home it's quite late but is he, for example, tidying up after dinner or doing the online shop, emptying dishwasher, bins etc?

Similarly, what about weekends? Is he having lie ins every weekend because he works "so hard" while you're up with the DC at 6am?

Does he do some of the night wakings with the baby?

WildWombat · 27/07/2022 12:45

My DH does 9.5 hours and that's bad enough, but occasionally he has a 14-hour shift which is torture. He's gone before the kids are up, I'm on my own with them both all day and do bedtime on my own, and he gets home without seeing them at all. As it's only the odd shift every few weeks I suck it up but if it was all the time, no way!

SeaToSki · 27/07/2022 12:46

Its not unusual, but I would stop keeping the dc up to see him in the evenings. Put them to bed at a time that works for them, then you will all be more rested and able to enjoy your weekends together. Sleep is vital for brain development

luxxlisbon · 27/07/2022 12:49

The reality is when only one income it means the person working out of the house has to work harder. You can’t just clock off on the dot when you have the pressure of supporting the entire family.

12 hours out of the house including commuting isn’t abnormal.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 12:50

I agree with the last pp - don’t keep the children up late to see hook. You could be getting a good hour of downtime there between getting them to bed and him arriving home.

i also think working with two little ones at home is unrealistic.

Could you instead carve out a few hours at the weekend to do it, whilst he minds the kids? It’s not fair for you to be asked to multi task like this, whilst he only does one thing at a time

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/07/2022 12:52

Could you work one of the weekend days while he has the children?

I wouldn't be keeping the kids up late to see him- don't they see one another in the morning?

UpdownUpdownAltogetherNow · 27/07/2022 12:54

My DH leaves home at 6 and isn’t back until 7:15 so it’s not that abnormal for people who commute to work to be gone a long time.

LightDrizzle · 27/07/2022 12:55

The long hours of themselves aren’t unusual but the working for low pay in a family business rings alarm bells. Is there much chance for progression there? And no, waiting for his parents to die is not the kind of opportunity I’m thinking of.

Would he have higher earning capacity elsewhere? Do you have higher earning capacity if you returned to work?

Family businesses can be a right can of worms and the scope for emotional blackmail and weird dynamics is sky high.

Did he get paternity leave? Does he have paid annual leave?

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/07/2022 12:55

From leaving to getting home, I am mostly out of the house for 15 hours. Later if I have to shop.

12 hours isn’t that strange.

JustDanceAddict · 27/07/2022 12:55

Not quite 12, but usually 8-7 depending on what’s going on.
Dh has his own company and is very busy (not much of a commute either).
Luckily I don’t have young DCs , but when I did he was still out about 10 hours w commute factored in, and did some business travel. I didn’t work much around that time, only really started when youngest in Reception.

balalake · 27/07/2022 12:55

It is not unusual and it is not good. I think he should be looking for another job.

JustDanceAddict · 27/07/2022 12:56

I mean from 8am-7pm

Sally872 · 27/07/2022 12:57

It is a long day, but not unusual. Must be hard for you too.
Is there another job he could get closer to home? if there is an alternative i would want to discuss it, but if there is not you just have to find a way to manage it.

If there is a weekend job for one day per week that might give you the chance for some child free time and some extra cash for household rather than hour here and there mid week.

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 27/07/2022 12:57

It’s not abnormal (both DP and I are out from 6am to almost 6pm most days) but it obviously isn’t working for you, which is absolutely fair to discuss with him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 27/07/2022 12:58

It might be normal but it’s not something I’d do.

Aprilx · 27/07/2022 13:03

I think it is pretty normal to be out of the house more than 12 hours per day. I always was during my career, I usually left between 6-6:30am and rarely managed to get home before 7pm but not usually after 8pm.

I would prefer 7am-7pm than 8am- 8pm though. Would that help and if so would it be possible?

Original poster
UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 13:04

I have (had) good earning power but sacrificed my career for DH's even before we had kids and now I'm regretting it. I do agree the family business was a bad idea - FIL has a tendency to promise things financially and then forget what he's promised. I have to work as I have no money.

OP posts: