To think DH being out of the house 12 hours a day is a long time

[UnreasonableSheep]

He has a long day and a long commute on top of that meaning he's often gone 8am - 8pm. He doesn't make a lot of money (working for the family business and apparently it'll pay off eventually 🤨). I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and 6 month old and it is exhausting. I'm trying to work but with the children it's very difficult and I only manage to do a couple of hours a week either when the baby is napping or after they're in bed (which has to be late as otherwise DH wouldn't see them).

By the end of the day I just end up sticking DD in front of her tablet so I can get stuff done.

It feels like a lot. Is a 12 hour day normal? I know this is like asking how long is a piece of string...

Sounds like a completely normal set up for a large number of families, you are lucky you have weekends together.

Who pays for food, rent/mortgage, bills? Are you paying for groceries from the money you earn - or is that your own I don't get your husbands thinking, if he is not supporting you financially then bill him for looking after his children.

There is a lot you likely can't change here, but if I were you I would a. Have a serious discussion about finances since the way it is working now seems very odd, although I don't know all the details. b. Put your kids in full time childcare and go back to work fulltime. You will probably find that less exhausting then what your are doing now, and the extra money can enable to hire help etc.

@UnreasonableSheep would you prefer to be working or would you prefer to be a SAHM for now? If you would like to work part time with childcare support that seems like it would be a good option. If you are able to earn well, that might help your DH put his own situation into perspective and make him realise that he’s getting a raw deal in the family business.
This inheritance dangling by the FIL is terrible, you have my sympathy. I think it’s probably best to assume none of it will come to you and plan your life accordingly.

Quite normal in my circles. Both my husband and I do 12hrs days, one does drop off and the other does pick up. Obviously you can’t work whilst you have two children at home, that’s not fair on anyone. Can you put both into nursery and go back to work?

My husband works 8-8 in the military so leaves before and gets home after if he isn’t deployed. His salary works out as less than minimum wage at the moment. It is really tough and my two year old has to watch tv sometimes so I can get dinner cooked.

Is your husband a farmer?

How infuriating. You hear women on here all the time saying that they had to go PT/become a SAHM because their husband earnt more "so it makes sense to prioritise his job".

OP, you have the higher earning potential. Why isn't he the SAHP (or at least PT)?

Oh god. I’ve been there. My husband used to leave at 5am and return home about 10pm.

was it worth it? It was financially worth it yes, but I kept pointing out that in the blink of an eye his kids would be grown up and was that worth it? Nope

i used to feel jealous when people said their husbands were home to bath and stuff as mine never was

i got the mum guilt too because of tablets or televisions. But I realised that my life just ran a little different.

he works from home now! And can still work 6-midnight. But at least he can help if needed.

I think your Dh needs to be realistic
How much is there in the family business divided by the amount of people any inheritance is between.
Is the family business something that is actually going to be there in 30-40-50 years
How old is fil. He could be only 20 years older that Dh in which case Dh might not be working for the business as he could be passed retirement age when fil dies and then he could leave everything to mil.

What happens if fil or mil needs care. (Dmil 95 was paying I am sure around £6-8000 per month for Ok residential care.)
The business could go under or fil could sell it to someone else in 10 years time and retire to Spain spend the lot

If your Dh concentrated on getting a better paying job with a shorter commute and you both working and him helping out at home and maybe you do a freelance job for one day on alternate weekends and start to build up your own family finances
How would that look against the small wages, long hours and cost of the commute (train ticket, parking, depreciated the car insurance and petrol) and the “idea” of an inheritance which he will probably get some of anyway.

Are you in farming?
If so I'd say that those hours at this time of year would be classed as part time by my parents🤣🤣🤣

Joking aside I don't think those hours are unreasonable. What is though is his attitude. Not only is he treating you like dirt he's walking blindly into a huge succession issue. Especially if farming. Is he in a partnership? If so do his drawings match his earnings or are there always things needed on the farm?

Why did you have to spend your savings to care for your joint children, whereas he got childcare for free?

I think plenty of people who work in normal, regular, low-paid jobs are out of the house at least that long and won't have the pay-off of being part of a family business when it does (possibly, eventually) pay off.

What sort of work are you doing? is it even worth it, financially? Can you find childcare so that you can work undisturbed? even just 2 mornings a week?

Your DH is financially abusing you.

That's the thing - he's a nice person
Nice people don't make their wife's spend all their savings because they won't fund the children that they helped to produce.

Nice people don't believe that the money that they earn is only theirs, when they reason their wife isn't earning is because she is looking after their two dc full time.

He may be fun to spend time with but he appears to be financially abusive, even if he doesn't realize it.

OP you must know that his attitude to money is crap. How do you justify him begrudging you money when you’re providing full time childcare?

My DH has always done long days - out of the house by 5.30am, not home till 7.30pm or later - so when our kids were that age, we had a cleaner. He saw my job as looking after them, not the house.

Ah, sorry, just realised I misread and you're asking about finishing time to work, not do housework!

Have you had a check up at the GP recently? You have said several times how exhausted you are. It can be caused by things like thyroid imbalance, vit d, b12 and iron deficiencies. All of those things are easily tested for and treated. They are also very common in mothers of young children

A 12hr day is very normal here with a commute. I WFH some of the time
but my office days are 12-13hrs. DH is WFH full time but has 9hr days, if he had a commute on top it could easily be 12hrs as we are rural.

I hope there's a watertight agreement in place with shares or something re the business.

Because if he's working for low pay, they could just sell up / the business could go under... and he won't see any of that work paying off long term.

And it was fine while I still had my savings but for some reason he does seem to begrudge giving me "his" money.

Not that "nice" then really, is he?

My OH leaves for work at 21:15 and only returns home at app 10:30/11:30 the next day, Monday to Friday. If you remove time for eating x 2 + shower + toilet needs + sleep it means that me and DS have quality time with him less than 1h per day, before i go back to work and after will be reduced to potentially having dinner with me and ZERO Daily time with DS…. Unfortunately needs musts…

This is all a bit unclear.

1. Why did you have to give up your job before you had children?
2. Does he pay for all the household and child expenses directly, or does he give you some sort of "housekeeping money" or something?
3. Is the "his money" that he begrudges giving you for extras on top of all your shared expenses? How do you pay for clothes, toiletries, going out with friends?
4. What is his reason for saying he has "no money"? Is it "no money" for basics, or "no money" for fun after all bills and living expenses are taken care of?
5. Is your part-time work related to your original career?

Do you have DPs OP, that you could move back to be near to and could help with childcare?

Because that's what I'd do - or threaten to do - if he doesn't either provide enough money for you and the DCs to live on, or come to a more equitable arrangement about childcare and working hours.

He certainly isnt "nice" OP, if he is not treating money earned as "family" money

12+ hour days are normal for me but I'm in healthcare. I've always worked long shifts. My record is 36 hours 😪

The bigger issue is the financial side, the fact hes not seeing it as family money. You need to really take a long hard look at the relationship.