To think DH being out of the house 12 hours a day is a long time

[UnreasonableSheep]

He has a long day and a long commute on top of that meaning he's often gone 8am - 8pm. He doesn't make a lot of money (working for the family business and apparently it'll pay off eventually 🤨). I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and 6 month old and it is exhausting. I'm trying to work but with the children it's very difficult and I only manage to do a couple of hours a week either when the baby is napping or after they're in bed (which has to be late as otherwise DH wouldn't see them).

By the end of the day I just end up sticking DD in front of her tablet so I can get stuff done.

It feels like a lot. Is a 12 hour day normal? I know this is like asking how long is a piece of string...

I don't think that's unusual, no.

DP is around the same.

I do think 7am-7pm would work better but I don't think it's possible (he'd just end up doing 7am - 8pm instead)

It’s not abnormal, especially when it’s not actually 12 hour work day but some of that is commuting. It’s definitely more than average though. It sounds like the issue here is that he’s currently badly paid but is expecting it to pay off in the future, you don’t agree that it will and in the meantime he’s missing out on time with the family, which he could probably have whilst earning similar money elsewhere.

I think it’s quite normal especially if it is a one income household. My husband is gone 5am to 6pm Monday to Friday. It’s a long time and tiring for us both but we just spend time together as a family at the weekend.

Pretty normal - I leave the house at 6.20 and get home around 6.45 when I’m in the office - but not ideal when you have small children. How would FIL take it if DH left the business and got a job elsewhere?

When you say "I have to work as I have no money," what do you mean?

DH worked a pattern of 16-hour unsocial shifts. Right through my pregnancy and then we had 4 children under 5.

If there is a possibility that you could earn more than DH if you had a regular FT job, I'd suggest you both look at that option and he becomes a SAHP.

It doesn't sound as if your DH is being paid properly for the work he's doing,and I bet there is no additional pension provision either.

My husband's job has been like that for most of our married like (38 years) and certainly like that when the children were babies and toddlers. I don't think it's that unusual.

I've seen a few family buisnesses take advantage of their adult dc and short-change them when they have young dc. Horrible behaviour. Hope he finds a different job or becomes a SAHD so you can work.

Why don't you have money? Your husband works. What am I missing?

It’s not abnormal but if he isn’t bringing in much money it really isn’t great.

Does he have choices? Could he make more money elsewhere? If he wants to stay is he formally cut into the business - and if not can he be?

I think the 2 of you need to sit down and figure it out. It sounds like you need to go back to work, and he needs to either switch jobs or be given a chunk of the business and better hours (eg 4 days a week).

If you can keep 2 careers going it gives you more choices, and if neither of you are massive earners it’s almost always the best option.

I would like to know that too.

I mean my savings from pre maternity are gone. DH gives me money when I ask but lately he's been saying he doesn't have any money. He's said a few things that make it very clear that he sees his earnings as his money alone so I really do need to work and get some financial independence back.

FIL does control DH with promises of money/inheritance (I assume as he's tried the same with me but I'm just so over it now. Empty promises are not enough to put up with feeling so tired and unhappy. DH doesn't feel the same way). Sorry, this is about more than just the hours really.

Yes. What would happen if he told whichever family members he's working for that he can't support his family on what they're paying him and he's going to be a SAHD because you can earn more?

It's not the hours on their own that's the problem, and just because lots of people say they do the same hours doesn't make it right, but the fact he's probably being taken advantage of because it's family - what's his hourly rate work out at and does he get paid annual leave like he would with a standard employment contract?

Then he needs to cut his hours to say 3 days a week which allows you to work to earn your own money.

Suggest putting the kids in childcare and he can pay the bill.

The hours are not the problem. Your DH's comments about money are completely unfair, misogynistic, giving no value to the work you do (which is actually saving your family money on childcare costs). Why on earth do you agree to have this arrangement with money? It baffles me that women give up their careers to become SAHM without a cast iron guarantee that ALL money earned by the DH will be family money and shared accordingly.

The hours are a bit ridiculous - especially if he is not earning that well now, and this is a recipe for disaster with a family business IMO - but the main issue is that he is putting you in a totally unfair position wrt money.

You have much bigger issues than your DH being out of the house for 12 hours.
Why is he not supporting the family that you have jointly created?
Yes you need to get back to a full time decent paying job when you can.
But your DH needs to agree a family budget with you before then so everyone has a fair share of what is available.

If it's a family business he's in the perfect position to make it work for him and your family

Explain that funding 50% of the childcare for his 2 dc will be an ongoing cost for him if you aren't properly supported while doing the childcare for you both.
I would look at how to get back into a job anyway as this doesn't sound like a good situation.

Is he likely to benefit from the family business as an inheritance, or is it one of those that tends to struggle along making not very much for a lot of work like farming or a convenience store?

Plus what sort of timescale would he be looking at? I know it's an indelicate question, but it's a different proposition if his parents are in their 50s vs being in their 80s.

If they're young and fit, it could be decades before any inheritance actually materialises.

This is your actual problem here.

Wow, you are very dependent on his family's good graces.

Does he have skills that would transfer to another firm?

You're right, you need to sort out employment for yourself. They sound like they'll string you along forever.

He's said a few things that make it very clear that he sees his earnings as his money alone

And how did you respond? That's financial abuse, op. I'd tell him to get to fuck.