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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH being out of the house 12 hours a day is a long time

131 replies

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 12:36

He has a long day and a long commute on top of that meaning he's often gone 8am - 8pm. He doesn't make a lot of money (working for the family business and apparently it'll pay off eventually 🤨). I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and 6 month old and it is exhausting. I'm trying to work but with the children it's very difficult and I only manage to do a couple of hours a week either when the baby is napping or after they're in bed (which has to be late as otherwise DH wouldn't see them).

By the end of the day I just end up sticking DD in front of her tablet so I can get stuff done.

It feels like a lot. Is a 12 hour day normal? I know this is like asking how long is a piece of string...

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/07/2022 14:14

I think it is standard taking the commute into consideration.

It doesn't make it easy.

Lipsandlashes · 27/07/2022 14:20

If you are working your children need to be in childcare. Twelve hour days are quite normal if you factor in a commute.

AuntieMarys · 27/07/2022 14:23

Dh leaves at 5.30 am and gets home 6.30.

Testina · 27/07/2022 14:24

“I have (had) good earning power but sacrificed my career for DH's even before we had kids and now I'm regretting it.”

What was behind that? Is it reversible?
I’d operate like a singer parent. Go back to work and get your career and earning power back, and use childcare. Even if you made a location move detrimental to you, there’s a lot more flexibility for WFH in some areas now than pre-Covid.

Original poster
UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 14:26

That's the thing - he's a nice person and I enjoy spending time with him and our DC. It's this job. And it was fine while I still had my savings but for some reason he does seem to begrudge giving me "his" money. I don't know if he sees his dad's behaviour as controlling. I've said so many times we want to spend more time with him and I don't care about the family business etc and he sort of agrees but then makes it extremely difficult for me to actually put any plans into action (although some of that is because I'm so exhausted that I don't have the energy - doing this part time job is pretty much the only stepping stone I can manage and even that is overwhelming)

OP posts:
Glamping4Break · 27/07/2022 14:26

Inheritance is never guaranteed & could go to fund care for his parents or to the tax man or they could sell the Business.

Is he a shareholder in the Business ?

His parents could live to be 90, 100, so you may wait along time

However, I work 12 hour shifts & it is tiring

How many days a week does he work ?

Does he get paid annual leave/ holidays, sick pay, pension contributions ?

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 27/07/2022 14:29

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 14:26

That's the thing - he's a nice person and I enjoy spending time with him and our DC. It's this job. And it was fine while I still had my savings but for some reason he does seem to begrudge giving me "his" money. I don't know if he sees his dad's behaviour as controlling. I've said so many times we want to spend more time with him and I don't care about the family business etc and he sort of agrees but then makes it extremely difficult for me to actually put any plans into action (although some of that is because I'm so exhausted that I don't have the energy - doing this part time job is pretty much the only stepping stone I can manage and even that is overwhelming)

OP, he's not a nice person. You're basically an unpaid slave who's raising his children and keeping his home. You should have full access to family money. I find it unfathomable that you had separate savings that you had to spend to keep yourself going.
Your only choice is to buckle up, and tell him you're going back to work full time.

HollaHolla · 27/07/2022 14:29

I'd say 12 hours out of the house is pretty bog standard, when you have a commute.
However, like others, I don't think the issue is about work - it's an issue with the situation your DH finds himself in. He needs to either be making more money, or working shorter hours, so he is around more for the kids/house duties.
Does he get a salary, or a share of profit? That could be a game-changer either way. I'd suggest he needs a serious chat with your FIL.

Abouttimemum · 27/07/2022 14:29

FlyingPandas · 27/07/2022 14:03

It’s a depressing thread but not because of the hours! 12 hours a day out the house, if you build in commuting time, is standard tbh, I know people at all levels and types of careers doing this. It’s absolutely normal, though exhausting when you have a young family.

The problems are

(a) that the OP’s DH views his wages as his money. His alone, to spend as he wishes. This should not have been allowed to happen - from the moment the first pregnancy was discovered, there should have been a discussion about family finances and fair future splitting of household income

(b) the DH is low paid and taken advantage of (or seems to be from the OP’s posts) by working for a family business, with promises of future wealth that may or may not bear fruit (and may well not benefit the OP at all anyway)

(c) the OP has given up her job and put herself in a financially vulnerable position with no allowances made by her DH.

The combined issues that arise from the above three problems are far more critical than the number of hours he is out of the house.

I totally agree with this.

The fact he is holding out for the family business bearing fruit for him doesn’t necessarily mean this will benefit the OP! Terrifying.

Definitely get your career back on track.

What happens on a weekend, is he off all weekend? How come he lives so far from the family business?

Neither of us would mind a long day if it was well paid and the best thing for our whole family, otherwise we’d be looking for other work, family or no family.

SVRT19674 · 27/07/2022 14:31

I leave at 7.10am and am back for 6.45 or 7 if miss train. So yes, it is fairly normal. But your problem is working for the family business. Plan to get yourself out of it. Also, during lockdown I also had to give my daughter the tablet. Thank the lord she is now back in pre school, because it wasn´t fair on her either when I had to work.

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 14:33

There was a thread a while ago where the son flogged his guts out for years in the family business sacrificing so much along the way. His parents sold up saying they were now going to enjoy themselves. I was stunned. It smashed up the family relationships totally

Triffid1 · 27/07/2022 14:34

DH gives me money when I ask but lately he's been saying he doesn't have any money. He's said a few things that make it very clear that he sees his earnings as his money alone

OP - as others have said, the hours are not the problem. I asked earlier - outside of the hours, does he pull his weight or is his view that as he's working all day, you are responsible for 100% of everything else? Because based on the way he views finances alone, I'm assuming that he does.

Go back to work and split childcare 50/50. He's being a dick and you have much bigger problems than the hours.

10HailMarys · 27/07/2022 14:42

that's the thing - he's a nice person

And it was fine while I still had my savings but for some reason he does seem to begrudge giving me "his" money

These two statements don't really match up, do they?

Jules912 · 27/07/2022 14:43

My DH does similar on his office days, it's not unusual for London. What has made it a lot better is he can now do 2-3 days a week wfh.

HolidayCountdownIsOn · 27/07/2022 14:44

It's normal Id say, my husband teaches and used to have an hour plus commute, he left at 7am and arrived home after 6pm, he still did work after 8pm some days too. I was on mat leave with an 18 month old and newborn when he was doing this, it was relentless. Now he's moved jobs and his commute is 5min, he still leaves at 7.30am and is home 5.30-6pm but he gets his extra work done most days in these hours, he does still have the odd busy week where he's still working at 11pm though. I used to have a 90min commute each way, I used to leave at 6.30 and arrived home around 6, 5 days a week, I now wfh so just do 7.30-5.30 over 4 days ft compressed. If you have a long commute it gets close to being out 12 hours with ft hours.

user1497787065 · 27/07/2022 14:45

My DH has always worked long days and Saturdays 9-2 and has just taken three days off. Apart from bank holidays and Sundays his first days off since October 2019.

You will get used to it. When our DC were young we chose for me not to work as his hours were almost the equivalent of others where both partners worked and that is how you need to view them.

RedToothBrush · 27/07/2022 14:45

I think the hours he is doing is the problem here, not necessarily the length of time he is out of the house. I think 8 til 8 is particularly tough. If it was 7 til 7 you wouldn't feel it quite as much even though its the same length of time.

Its really tough and really lonely, and it feels longer than it is. It will get better as the kids get older.

WireSkills · 27/07/2022 14:47

Not unusual for me. I normally leave home just before 8am and get home just before 8pm. I am a business owner though and have a lot of responsibility.

Your DH's case isn't the same though. Are his current employers promising him something in the future? Why will it be worth it in the end?

Could it be that they realise they're on to a good thing if he's not well paid and are stringing him along with empty promises? If so, he might be best to try and find something closer to home.

We've recently taken on 2 new employees whose main reason for changing jobs was to be closer to home to see more of their children.

WireSkills · 27/07/2022 14:52

Sorry - I realise now I'd misread. I thought he worked for A family business, not his family business.

Cutting ties may not be so easy then, and your later posts (I posted on the basis of Page 1) show that he's definitely not going to be keen to leave.

How involved is he with the business finances? Does he know whether they can afford to pay him more? What is the timeframe for any transfer of control?

If he does take control of the business eventually, will he be able to move the business, or is it stuck in its current location? Could you move closer, if so?

Does he think he can change the business to become more profitable when he has the power to be able to?

Would he ever let you say anything to his family?? Or, put it another way, how pissed off would he be if you dropped "I wish he could spend more time at home with the children" in to a family conversation, without him being forewarned?!

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 27/07/2022 14:58

You'll get a lot of people on here saying it's normal - every other poster on here seems to have a 2+ hour commute and work 10-12 hours per day Wink

However I don't think it's something that should be so widely accepted or seen as normal. My longest shifts were 10 hours at one point and it just wasn't sustainable at all, I was absolutely exhausted.

I now work 5-6 hours per day and DH does around 7-8 hours. We're both home by 5pm at the very latest, often much earlier. We earn good money and don't need to do more than we do.

I hate to say it, but I wonder if your DH is choosing long hours to get out of childcare, bedtime etc? It's not unheard of!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 27/07/2022 15:00

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 14:26

That's the thing - he's a nice person and I enjoy spending time with him and our DC. It's this job. And it was fine while I still had my savings but for some reason he does seem to begrudge giving me "his" money. I don't know if he sees his dad's behaviour as controlling. I've said so many times we want to spend more time with him and I don't care about the family business etc and he sort of agrees but then makes it extremely difficult for me to actually put any plans into action (although some of that is because I'm so exhausted that I don't have the energy - doing this part time job is pretty much the only stepping stone I can manage and even that is overwhelming)

He needs to prioritise his family. Not his family business. Poor income and long hrs. Pointless.
Good income and long hrs take their toll. Especially in a relationship.

I don't think 12 hrs is a standard day. My business is 9-3. Dp does 12hrs because of the commute twice per week the rest is 8hrs wfh. When the baby arrives she'll go part-time or formulate a family-friendly business.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/07/2022 15:00

I agree that just because something is common, it shouldn't be normal, and I'd also suspect that a lot of the others saying they or their DHs are out for 12+ hours a day have the typical MN 'big job' and are earning more than what the OP describes as 'not making a lot of money'.

godmum56 · 27/07/2022 15:04

I think this is another post where the problem isn't the problem. the 12 hours days isn't great but might be ok. What isn't ok is a husband who won't share fair and who is putting his income growth potential in the hands of a controlling and unreliable relative....I do wonder if the scenario (wife not entitled to fairly share husbands income, husband poorly paid and works in family business in the hope of doing well out of it in the future) has any kind of cultural expectation aspect?

GettinPiggyWithIt · 27/07/2022 15:07

Yeah it’s hard

my husband was never home before 8 when my kids were that age

we are one of the few people who have massively benefited from lockdown and now a permanent wfh situation

it was extremely lonely for me up to that point

OldFan · 27/07/2022 15:07

It's not abnormal, no.

It's not the norm/average though, which is 40 hours at work.