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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH being out of the house 12 hours a day is a long time

131 replies

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 12:36

He has a long day and a long commute on top of that meaning he's often gone 8am - 8pm. He doesn't make a lot of money (working for the family business and apparently it'll pay off eventually 🤨). I stay at home with our 2.5 year old and 6 month old and it is exhausting. I'm trying to work but with the children it's very difficult and I only manage to do a couple of hours a week either when the baby is napping or after they're in bed (which has to be late as otherwise DH wouldn't see them).

By the end of the day I just end up sticking DD in front of her tablet so I can get stuff done.

It feels like a lot. Is a 12 hour day normal? I know this is like asking how long is a piece of string...

OP posts:
TrashPandas · 27/07/2022 13:42

12 hours is pretty standard. Your husband's attitude to money isn't. How would he react if you asked for a joint account where both your incomes go?

justasking111 · 27/07/2022 13:44

Family business here seasonal. So summer 7am sometimes till 10pm. BUT we bought a house up the road so he could come home for lunch. I could also walk down to the factory with the pram and bring him meals.

Can you move closer??

RealBecca · 27/07/2022 13:46

Yanbu at all.

Hes working for a "family business" and making money he isnt sharing. He will benefit from any shares or inheritance which he will be able to keep to himself unless it goes in a joint account or you divorce.

You had higher earning power and gave it up - he now earns less.

He ought to prioritise the family earning a living wage rather than his familys wants and needs.

What's your choice if he wont negotiate his hours down so you can get more hours? Childcare?

chopc · 27/07/2022 13:47

How did you end up in a situation where you have up your earning power to support a man who thinks what he only earns belongs to him .......
he needs to look after the kids half the time so you can go back to work

KosherDill · 27/07/2022 13:50

RealBecca · 27/07/2022 13:46

Yanbu at all.

Hes working for a "family business" and making money he isnt sharing. He will benefit from any shares or inheritance which he will be able to keep to himself unless it goes in a joint account or you divorce.

You had higher earning power and gave it up - he now earns less.

He ought to prioritise the family earning a living wage rather than his familys wants and needs.

What's your choice if he wont negotiate his hours down so you can get more hours? Childcare?

Yes, OP, it's important that you know inheritances do not automatically become a marital asset.

thefatpotato · 27/07/2022 13:50

DH is out 7-7 most days, sometimes more. But he's paid incredibly well so I put up with it it works for us.

ZenNudist · 27/07/2022 13:50

So many problems here. Your h not sharing finances is the main one.

My dh is away 3 days pw also working in family business that doesn't pay well. The difference is I have a high salary and work 4 days. No family help. I use childcare.

Get the kids in nursery. Dh shares in pick ups and drop offs and shares costs of childcare. Get your career back on track. Everyone will be happier.

Wombat27A · 27/07/2022 13:51

You could easily end up getting shafted here. In fact, yiu probably already are.

Is there a succession plan for him taking over the business?

Are they saving tax not paying him?

My mum is still complaining about this, as it happens in farming a lot.

Has he got access to more cash but not sharing it?

Has he got an OW? Gambling or drugs habit?

Misogyny?

Protection against divorce - the not sharing assets?

You're clearly not a team. Think it's time for a chat or a good row.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/07/2022 13:53

God this is a depressing thread. I literally don't know anyone who works those kind of hours. And I know lots of people with good professional and high earning jobs (think 70-80k plus). Out of the house from 6 to 6 or even longer 5 days a week is not living, it's suffering

Newusername21 · 27/07/2022 13:55

Agree with others. the 12 hours out of the house isn't the problem here. Your DH's attitude to his earnings is. If he is the only person in the household working - then he needs to understand his earnings are "family" money - not HIS money. However you divide that should be up for open discussion. You are effectively a SAHM even though you say you have tried to work - realistically with your partner out of the house 12 hours a day 5 days a week and two little ones there's no way you can be expected to work anything more that the odd hour here and there. Your partner needs to support you and his family now that the decision was made for you to give up your career for his benefit.
Time for a serious discussion with him. If he doesn't start being open and realistic its time to start putting your foot down to regain your own earning power.

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 27/07/2022 13:55

In my experience, with commutes and long working hours, 7am-7pm or 8am-8pm etc is very normal. Often the days are even longer. Sorry OP, I know it's not what you want to hear

givemushypeasachance · 27/07/2022 13:56

If his earnings are "his money" and you have a toddler and a baby - who is paying for them to eat? The roof over their heads? Keeping the lights on? Does he expect you to 24/7 look after the children and to earn money to pay for both yourself and the things they need? You know that's crazy and abusive, right.

What would he say if you announced you were getting a full time job and that between you both you needed to sort out paying for childcare for both children all week.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2022 13:57

You have a problem with your husband rather just with his working hours. What does he mean his money is for himself? It sounds like he's really crap with money anyway if he's working for a very low wage for those hours. That's just not a sensible thing to do. It's not even his business!

Do you get on well together?

diddl · 27/07/2022 13:58

Sorry, this is about more than just the hours really.

Yes it is unfortunately.

When the kids were young my husband was often out 7-7.

But he earned good enough to support us all.

We had had our own accounts-his became joint & mine became the savings account.

I think at the time it being only in my name meant there was less tax paid on it?

It does sound as if you need to get back into your career-even if he was earning more would he still begrudge handing it over?

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 27/07/2022 13:59

Sorry RTFT now - geez OP that's a horrendous situation - his income should be shared with you as family money! Is this guy as big a jerk as he is sounding to be?

SeaToSki · 27/07/2022 13:59

DH needs a written contract or financial agreement with FIL and the business, reviewed by his own solicitor and properly signed. If not, he should find another job. Sounds like FIL has got him with the “jam tomorrow” strategy. If FIL is an honest man, he should be happy to have everything set out in a business-like manner just as if DH was any other employee/business partner

On the personal front, it sounds like you and DH need a serious conversation with no dc around to work out your joint financial strategy going forward. A joint account to cover all expenses, you able to work of that is what you both want and if not, automatic funding of your personal expenses with no oversight (up to an agreed limit) etc etc

gamerchick · 27/07/2022 13:59

Is it financially worth it? If not then a chat is in order. Sometimes family business stuff takes the piss with money.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 27/07/2022 14:01

I gave up the longer hrs when the children arrived.
My ex-wife didn't, it was the crux of our divorce.
I'm very much a work-to-live person. My dad worked long hrs and I know my mum struggled. I vowed never to be that man.

FlyingPandas · 27/07/2022 14:03

It’s a depressing thread but not because of the hours! 12 hours a day out the house, if you build in commuting time, is standard tbh, I know people at all levels and types of careers doing this. It’s absolutely normal, though exhausting when you have a young family.

The problems are

(a) that the OP’s DH views his wages as his money. His alone, to spend as he wishes. This should not have been allowed to happen - from the moment the first pregnancy was discovered, there should have been a discussion about family finances and fair future splitting of household income

(b) the DH is low paid and taken advantage of (or seems to be from the OP’s posts) by working for a family business, with promises of future wealth that may or may not bear fruit (and may well not benefit the OP at all anyway)

(c) the OP has given up her job and put herself in a financially vulnerable position with no allowances made by her DH.

The combined issues that arise from the above three problems are far more critical than the number of hours he is out of the house.

obsessedwithsleep · 27/07/2022 14:03

Mine is out 6.30-6.30. Similar aged kids. We're both knackered.

Circleofshells · 27/07/2022 14:04

UnreasonableSheep · 27/07/2022 13:30

FIL does control DH with promises of money/inheritance (I assume as he's tried the same with me but I'm just so over it now. Empty promises are not enough to put up with feeling so tired and unhappy. DH doesn't feel the same way). Sorry, this is about more than just the hours really.

@UnreasonableSheep does your DH see his DF is controlling him? Does it make him unhappy?

I would say to him that you want to see him more, and you want DC to see him more, and you would love if there was more money for you to spend. Then I think you just have to support him and trust that he will make the right decision for you and your family eventually.
It’s so awful when parents do this, but he’s probably feeling kind of ashamed that he’s let his father treat him like this so if I were you I would just try to show him the love and support and faith that he’s probably missing from that parental relationship.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 14:08

Wow.

He sees his money as just his? So where is his responsibility for your joint children?

You are married with kids - you should be a team. This means that if you decide to divide your labour in this way, all money is or should be joint.

You best bet is to go back to work yourself, I think. And make sure he knows childcare costs fall to both of you equally.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 27/07/2022 14:08

yeah you need to get back to work and sort out childcare!

You share the cost of childcare and the drop offs pick ups

Thats how it works!!

My husband finishes work at 5 twice a week instead of 5.30 so he can get to Nursery to get our daughter!

I do most drop offs for 8 o clock just cus it suits better with my work schedule

you need to sort this out before you end up in an even more venerable position

Nancydrawn · 27/07/2022 14:09

I would say that you have two actual problems here, OP.

The first is that your husband is, at best, being incredibly selfish about money. At worse, this is a form of financial abuse. He either needs to split his income entirely (all money goes into a central pot, paying all bills including children's needs, with a small amount to each of you for independent spending) or he needs to reconfigure his work so that you both split childcare and you can work independently.

The second is that your husband needs to behave professionally rather than familially. Which means that he needs a written contract outlining what his duties, pay, and expectations are, and what he'll receive.

Right now everything is muddled, unsure, and prone to exploitation (both of you by him and of him by his family).

MercurialMonday · 27/07/2022 14:11

It's not abnormal - DH did those hours and then longer and then eventually worked away all week.

But either you have one parent working p/t hours or have huge flexibility or not be working or family support.

Your big issue is your DH attitude towards money - that's very worrying.

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