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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer find DH attractive.

127 replies

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:44

I know I will get some hate for this but there is a lot to unpack.
DH is a few month older than me but looks a few years older. I go to gym, work hard to look good and keep him interested. He WFH, smokes, drinks from 5pm and doesn't do any exercise. Got worse during COVID and he doesn't make an effort.
Here is the corker, if I gain weight, he calls me fat, if I refuse sex, I'm frigid or a lesbian. Watching TV the other night he was going on about how much he would bone some buxom but slim woman on TV.
I now get dressed in the bathroom (he works in the bedroom so I have no space to get up and dressed).
He is middle aged, beer gut, balding and I feel sick having sex. But I can't be anything but attractive and even then it's not enough.
Am I being unreasonable to want to tell him that giving him a BJ with his fat gut in the face would not be attract to a hot busty Brazilian and he needs to get over himself? Or would I deflate his ego?

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 27/07/2022 11:46

Just from the calling you names, I'd have fucked off long ago. I'd rather be single than live with a Prince like that. You need some self respect because he isn't giving you any.

bert3400 · 27/07/2022 11:47

He sounds like a pig, even if he was fit in his body, his mind is in the sewer. Can you imagine living another 10 years with that .....yuck . I would leave and never look back

Samanabanana · 27/07/2022 11:49

Just reading about him makes me feel nauseous so I'm not surprised he gives you the ick. He sounds awful.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 27/07/2022 11:49

his looks very much seem a secondary concern to his revolting personality.

do you have kids with this stud?

MeenzAmRhoi · 27/07/2022 11:49

Can I ask why you are still with him? You sound utterly repulsed by him... (Rightly so for his attitude alone)

Topgub · 27/07/2022 11:50

Its not how he looks thats the problem

Meraas · 27/07/2022 11:51

Why are not leaving disgusting pig?

Appleblum · 27/07/2022 11:51

Nobody would be attracted to that.

Youdoyoutoday · 27/07/2022 11:52

they way he speaks about you and to you would be enough to leave him in my book so leave, ducks in a row and all that!
good luck

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:53

I think I have stayed because of my own self worth. There are bread crumbs of niceness, just enough to make me feel special and then a dumper truck load of nastiness.
Come to think of it, nothing I do is good enough, meals I cook, days out I plan, the way I am or not with his family and friends.
He says I am the same with him and I have said he is free to leave anytime....of course he won't.

OP posts:
Meraas · 27/07/2022 11:54

So you leave, OP. Life is too short to make this a contest.

Fireflygal · 27/07/2022 11:55

Why are you with him? This isn't so much about his attractiveness physically but also as a person.

It's common for middle aged men to be deluded about their attractiveness. Equally middle aged men seem to (generally) age worse..lifestyle I guess but ime women over 40 take care of their appearance (maybe due to judgements from early on in life) but upshot is older women are often way more attractive than their male counterparts. He might get a shock if he tries online dating...the gorgeous young women won't be dying to hook up with him

MintJulia · 27/07/2022 11:58

Never mind what he looks like.

A man who calls you fat, frigid and a lesbian should have been dumped years ago. He could have a body like Ryan Reynolds and still not deserve your love.

Why would you waste your life on someone so horrible? You deserve MUCH better.

Flutterbybudget · 27/07/2022 12:00

It’s rare that I suggest that anyone leaves a partner, but seriously you sound REALLY unhappy. It’s not how he looks that seems to be the problem, but how he makes you feel.
It actually sounds to ME, reading that, as of he might be a bit depressed, but that doesn’t excuse putting you down like that.
either sit him down and tell him,/ get counselling apart out together , or if you don’t think he’d listen, just leave
Don’t let him destroy your self confidence
Remember that when your children see him disrespect you, they think that it’s acceptable

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 27/07/2022 12:01

You really need to leave. Life is too short to spend it shacked up with a knuckle dragger who turns your fanny to dust.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 12:01

Fireflygal · 27/07/2022 11:55

Why are you with him? This isn't so much about his attractiveness physically but also as a person.

It's common for middle aged men to be deluded about their attractiveness. Equally middle aged men seem to (generally) age worse..lifestyle I guess but ime women over 40 take care of their appearance (maybe due to judgements from early on in life) but upshot is older women are often way more attractive than their male counterparts. He might get a shock if he tries online dating...the gorgeous young women won't be dying to hook up with him

I agree and have pointed this out to him. He is turning into my dad which makes me feel sick, not physically but behaviour wise, making inappropriate comments to my adult (not his) children and he comes across as sleazy. He is drunk when doing this and says we all need to take a joke.
I know what I need to do, I think I just needed validating as he seems to think this is normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 12:02

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 27/07/2022 12:01

You really need to leave. Life is too short to spend it shacked up with a knuckle dragger who turns your fanny to dust.

😂this made my day!!

OP posts:
MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 27/07/2022 12:02

sleazy comments to your adult children?

come on, op!

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2022 12:03

Breadcrumbs of affection aren’t enough

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 12:05

Flutterbybudget · 27/07/2022 12:00

It’s rare that I suggest that anyone leaves a partner, but seriously you sound REALLY unhappy. It’s not how he looks that seems to be the problem, but how he makes you feel.
It actually sounds to ME, reading that, as of he might be a bit depressed, but that doesn’t excuse putting you down like that.
either sit him down and tell him,/ get counselling apart out together , or if you don’t think he’d listen, just leave
Don’t let him destroy your self confidence
Remember that when your children see him disrespect you, they think that it’s acceptable

I also think he is depressed and needs to go into work more and be around other people, even just to give me a break.
He feels inadequate in so many ways. Because I have an education and professional job, but he earns way more he likes to remind me all the time.
He has issues for sure and tbh, if I could sort my self worth, I would leave in a shot.

OP posts:
Onthebrink87 · 27/07/2022 12:05

I suggest that he knows you deserve better and can indeed do better. His jibes are likely an attempt to make sure you don't know it.

Sexnotgender · 27/07/2022 12:06

Fucking hell, walk away from this revolting dickhead. He sounds AWFUL.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/07/2022 12:07

Just leave. Like you should have done the first time he said something inappropriate to your children.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 12:07

I think I need to work on my self worth and get myself to the place where I can move on and move out. I have lost respect, we all have, but he blames me for the family not respecting him. They think he is a pig because they see him behave that way.
Thank you for validating my experience, I think IABU for putting up with this because he now thinks it is acceptable.

OP posts:
Jengnr · 27/07/2022 12:08

Your self worth will skyrocket when not subjected to his bullshit.

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