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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer find DH attractive.

127 replies

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:44

I know I will get some hate for this but there is a lot to unpack.
DH is a few month older than me but looks a few years older. I go to gym, work hard to look good and keep him interested. He WFH, smokes, drinks from 5pm and doesn't do any exercise. Got worse during COVID and he doesn't make an effort.
Here is the corker, if I gain weight, he calls me fat, if I refuse sex, I'm frigid or a lesbian. Watching TV the other night he was going on about how much he would bone some buxom but slim woman on TV.
I now get dressed in the bathroom (he works in the bedroom so I have no space to get up and dressed).
He is middle aged, beer gut, balding and I feel sick having sex. But I can't be anything but attractive and even then it's not enough.
Am I being unreasonable to want to tell him that giving him a BJ with his fat gut in the face would not be attract to a hot busty Brazilian and he needs to get over himself? Or would I deflate his ego?

OP posts:
RedRobyn2021 · 27/07/2022 14:58

I would be very surprised if you got hate for that

He sounds absolutely dreadful

Whitehorsegirl · 27/07/2022 15:02

Of course you don't find him attractive. He is truly awful.

I would say his physical appearance is not the main issue, the main concern is the fact that he a disrespectful and sleazy in his behaviour.

Flutterbybudget · 27/07/2022 15:06

OP, please leave
I didn’t 🤷‍♀️ I stayed until my self worth was so low, and when my ex DH left ME it was worse, for a while. “If I couldn’t even keep hold of HIM how was I ever going to do any better”. I’m still a work in progress, and I’m still single, but I’m SO much happier than I ever was married. And so are my children.
You can do it! I promise.

CounsellorTroi · 27/07/2022 15:11

He could be an Adonis and still be unattractiv3 because ofth3 things he says and does. He’s not worth it is he?

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 27/07/2022 15:16

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:54

Firstly, thank you for the responses. I needed to hear this. To be fair (not mitigation by any means) he can be kind and generous but is getting restful and just gross. The comments made to adult children were in conversation and only recent (last week).
We do have one child together and he has one from another relationship and I have two adult children. Not relevant to breaking up, but just for context.

I have started to plan an exit and should have done it ages ago but the thought of starting over again was too much, when in reality I would be fine. I have become too tolerant and so he behaves how he wants.

Thanks again for the responses. I will keep reading them as they are a good kick into reality for me.

Good to hear, OP. Keep telling yourself what you need to hear, even if you start to feel like a walking L'Oréal advert...

YOU'RE WORTH IT

RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 27/07/2022 15:18

I don’t want to sound flippant, but L.T.B.

I wouldn’t put up with that from DH for one moment.

RaggedBlousedPhilanthropist · 27/07/2022 15:20

It’s the behaviour that is the least attractive thing, I’m sure.

catfunk · 27/07/2022 15:20

You don't fancy him because he's abusive and speaks to you in a revolting and homophobic way.

hattie43 · 27/07/2022 15:22

Is this even for real

Davyjones · 27/07/2022 15:23

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 12:07

I think I need to work on my self worth and get myself to the place where I can move on and move out. I have lost respect, we all have, but he blames me for the family not respecting him. They think he is a pig because they see him behave that way.
Thank you for validating my experience, I think IABU for putting up with this because he now thinks it is acceptable.

Try this

imagine its ten Years from now

you’ve been with him a further ten years.
describe what that ten years was like and what state you are in because of it

catandcoffee · 27/07/2022 15:35

He's a prize dick head.
Do some work on yourself and leave the arsehole. Don't feel you need to have sex with the arsehole either.
You deserve much more respect.

Bumpsadaisie · 27/07/2022 15:37

Don't wait to get self worth THEN leave!!

Your self worth is low cos you are with him.
Leave him and you will find you feel 100% better about yourself!

What on earth are you waiting for. Can't believe you stick around to hear him be sleazy with your boys. Yuk.

BellePeppa · 27/07/2022 15:37

For heaven’s sake leave him. The thought of spending one day (never mind a night🤮) with this pig makes me want to vomit and I haven’t even met him! This is your one and only life, why are you spending it with this buffoon?

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 15:56

He has issues for sure and tbh, if I could sort my self worth, I would leave in a shot.

This is just an excuse not to leave.

SheeplessAndCounting · 27/07/2022 16:21

Uuugh, this made me feel nauseus.

Ugly fat pig with no respect for you, actually insulting you?

Ditch him. Gross. Easy decision.

YouOKHun · 27/07/2022 16:23

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:53

I think I have stayed because of my own self worth. There are bread crumbs of niceness, just enough to make me feel special and then a dumper truck load of nastiness.
Come to think of it, nothing I do is good enough, meals I cook, days out I plan, the way I am or not with his family and friends.
He says I am the same with him and I have said he is free to leave anytime....of course he won't.

If nothing you do is “good enough” just stop doing it. Who made him the barometer of your value, competence and character? Whatever his physical shape, his attitude to women in general is piss poor. You can do better and he knows it and the best way to hang on to you is to reduce you. But he can’t do it if you no longer accept it. Personally (I know it’s easy to say) I couldn’t continue to be in the same postcode as a man like this let alone the same bed. You deserve better @Tryingtobehonest 💐

SheeplessAndCounting · 27/07/2022 16:23

CounsellorTroi · 27/07/2022 15:11

He could be an Adonis and still be unattractiv3 because ofth3 things he says and does. He’s not worth it is he?

Especially because he isn't an adonis, so isn't even worth using for sex,

What a waste of life.

You have no time for this, OP. You get one life. This surely isn't it.

xogossipgirlxo · 27/07/2022 16:28

Why are you with him?

arethereanyleftatall · 27/07/2022 17:16

I will eat my hat op if you're not a billion times happier with much better self worth when you leave him. Please do it. Far too many women live miserable lives.

balalake · 27/07/2022 17:30

If you left not only would it be the best thing for you, but a wake up call for him possibly, not for a second that should be the reason.

The comments are enough, to which the drink etc are on top.

fghj149 · 27/07/2022 17:35

I think it’s more his personality driving the unattractiveness tbh, his behaviour sounds vile. I don’t think it’s worth staying with someone who calls you those things, you deserve better ❤️

Scurryfunge12 · 27/07/2022 18:35

Men just seem to have this deluded entitlement to sex on tap regardless of what they look like and feel entitled to tell women they don’t look good enough. I know exactly what I’d be saying back to him if he dared to criticise my appearance. Kick the cheeky fucker to the curb.

DottyLittleRainbow · 27/07/2022 18:40

YABU for not having already left this vile man, when he has no respect for you.

You will probably find your self worth massively recovers if you leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2022 18:42

He’s absolutely disgusting. You can’t begin to work on your self esteem until he’s out of your life. Please please please dump him.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 19:18

@Flutterbybudget bigs hugs to you. It takes great strength to pick yourself up and move on x

OP posts: