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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer find DH attractive.

127 replies

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:44

I know I will get some hate for this but there is a lot to unpack.
DH is a few month older than me but looks a few years older. I go to gym, work hard to look good and keep him interested. He WFH, smokes, drinks from 5pm and doesn't do any exercise. Got worse during COVID and he doesn't make an effort.
Here is the corker, if I gain weight, he calls me fat, if I refuse sex, I'm frigid or a lesbian. Watching TV the other night he was going on about how much he would bone some buxom but slim woman on TV.
I now get dressed in the bathroom (he works in the bedroom so I have no space to get up and dressed).
He is middle aged, beer gut, balding and I feel sick having sex. But I can't be anything but attractive and even then it's not enough.
Am I being unreasonable to want to tell him that giving him a BJ with his fat gut in the face would not be attract to a hot busty Brazilian and he needs to get over himself? Or would I deflate his ego?

OP posts:
GrandRapids · 27/07/2022 13:14

You said you have stayed with him because of your own self worth? I don't understand that.

He is decimating your self worth so that should certainly not be a barrier to you leaving! It should be the reason that you leave!

I agree with everyone else. He sounds like a vile disgusting pig. The fact that he also makes lewd comments in front of your children is just the cherry on the cake.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/07/2022 13:17

I think that if you leave your self worth will go up like a shot. Don’t stay way you are expecting it to improve - how can it? It’s only going to get worse.

Pull all your financial info
Go see a solicitor
Figure out how a split would play out w the solicitor
figure out a plan
tell him it’s over.

with no kids the above won’t take more than a couple months, tops.

Get cracking

This time next year you will be a whole new woman

CheesyColeslaw · 27/07/2022 13:25

He's putting you down to keep you in your place, he doesn't want you to have self worth because then you might leave. He sounds repulsive. You self worth will increase dramatically without him eroding it.

Prunel · 27/07/2022 13:27

His smoking drinking whatever is irrelevant
why are you with this pig

what are you doing today, to work on your own self esteem so you can leave

Deadringer · 27/07/2022 13:38

How to dickheads like this even have partners, someone should do a study. Ltb op.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 27/07/2022 13:41

I'm not a bit surprised you don't find him attractive. He sounds absolutely horrible

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2022 13:44

Deadringer · 27/07/2022 13:38

How to dickheads like this even have partners, someone should do a study. Ltb op.

Because women have it hammered into them from birth by society that any man is better than no man and women still judge each other for being single as if it were some sort of pariah status.

When in fact being single after being in a relationship like this will probably feel like you've just entered paradise.

Single is SO underrated.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 27/07/2022 13:49

He is beneath you and he knows it, he had the choice to raise himself up, be fitter, healthier, improve himself etc But instead he decided to 'neg' you, i.e destroy your self esteem and try to drag you down to his level. He made that choice, he makes it every day, so don't feel sorry for him. You reap what you sow. So now understandably you are not attracted to him and you don't love him. Leave and your life will improve enormously.

Thedogscollar · 27/07/2022 13:53

After reading how he speaks to you, treats you and speaks to your DC there is only one answer OP.

You know what you have to do and by doing this your self esteem will flourish without his daily vile put downs.

georgarina · 27/07/2022 14:10

You have one life OP. I wouldn't like to sit next to this guy on the bus!

IR230622 · 27/07/2022 14:14

He is obviously so insecure that he has in turn got to make you feel insecure. Instead of working on himself to make himself feel better. The way he treats you is disgusting and you should absolutely leave him

MinorWomensWhiplash1 · 27/07/2022 14:32

He sounds revolting, and not just physically. I’d be leaving asap, and if I couldn’t afford to leave I’d have an affair tbh.

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2022 14:35

I’d leave him. He sounds absolutely disgusting.

Friffle · 27/07/2022 14:36

Single is SO underrated.

Abso-bloody-lutely

I think the reality of single life would be a revelation to so many people in miserable relationships.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:37

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2022 12:43

I'm astonished that you think you are going to get hate.
He is an absolute pig and I'm sure you know this deep down.
It sounds like you have been ground down by his warped perspective for so long you don't trust your own instincts.
We are here to tell you you are right, he is wrong and you will be a million times happier when you leave.

Thank you. I thought I might get the speech on accepting people for who they are regardless of what they look like.

OP posts:
Christinatheastonishing · 27/07/2022 14:39

And please stop sucking his dick if you don't feel like it.

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2022 14:39

I thought I might get the speech on accepting people for who they are regardless of what they look like.

You might have done if you’d said he was exemplary in every other way but he’s not.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/07/2022 13:44

Because women have it hammered into them from birth by society that any man is better than no man and women still judge each other for being single as if it were some sort of pariah status.

When in fact being single after being in a relationship like this will probably feel like you've just entered paradise.

Single is SO underrated.

Show quote history

You uave hit the nail on the head. I was so glad for 2 years before I met him and was doing well in life, but always felt a failure because I "couldn't keep a man". After being cheated on I was wrong made to feel it was my fault, by him and both his and my family.
When I met my DH I was grateful someone wanted me. Ughhh, even hearing myself say that feels awful.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 27/07/2022 14:41

If mine said that about women on TV I would have pointed out any home truths the first time. I think it’s disgusting how some men seem to assume that all women will fancy them.

He founds gross, OP. Get rid of him.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:41

IR230622 · 27/07/2022 14:14

He is obviously so insecure that he has in turn got to make you feel insecure. Instead of working on himself to make himself feel better. The way he treats you is disgusting and you should absolutely leave him

Good point. I have just been invited to do an MA and go onto to PHD. He says he's proud of me but clearly has issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:45

GrandRapids · 27/07/2022 13:14

You said you have stayed with him because of your own self worth? I don't understand that.

He is decimating your self worth so that should certainly not be a barrier to you leaving! It should be the reason that you leave!

I agree with everyone else. He sounds like a vile disgusting pig. The fact that he also makes lewd comments in front of your children is just the cherry on the cake.

Because of my low self worth. Believing I should be grateful someone wanted me.
I have been raised in a toxic environment and have stuck at things because my family blame me as a failure instead of seeing what they created.
I don't see any worth in myself for anything tbh. I have real issues that need dealing with.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:47

Maray1967 · 27/07/2022 14:41

If mine said that about women on TV I would have pointed out any home truths the first time. I think it’s disgusting how some men seem to assume that all women will fancy them.

He founds gross, OP. Get rid of him.

I didn't react because I think he wanted me to. It would uave fed his ego making him think I was jealous when actually I threw up a little in my mouth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:54

Firstly, thank you for the responses. I needed to hear this. To be fair (not mitigation by any means) he can be kind and generous but is getting restful and just gross. The comments made to adult children were in conversation and only recent (last week).
We do have one child together and he has one from another relationship and I have two adult children. Not relevant to breaking up, but just for context.

I have started to plan an exit and should have done it ages ago but the thought of starting over again was too much, when in reality I would be fine. I have become too tolerant and so he behaves how he wants.

Thanks again for the responses. I will keep reading them as they are a good kick into reality for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:54

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 14:54

Firstly, thank you for the responses. I needed to hear this. To be fair (not mitigation by any means) he can be kind and generous but is getting restful and just gross. The comments made to adult children were in conversation and only recent (last week).
We do have one child together and he has one from another relationship and I have two adult children. Not relevant to breaking up, but just for context.

I have started to plan an exit and should have done it ages ago but the thought of starting over again was too much, when in reality I would be fine. I have become too tolerant and so he behaves how he wants.

Thanks again for the responses. I will keep reading them as they are a good kick into reality for me.

*getting resentful

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 14:57

You absolutely must leave him. He sounds disgusting- and it’s his attitude and comments that are the worst bit!