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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No longer find DH attractive.

127 replies

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 11:44

I know I will get some hate for this but there is a lot to unpack.
DH is a few month older than me but looks a few years older. I go to gym, work hard to look good and keep him interested. He WFH, smokes, drinks from 5pm and doesn't do any exercise. Got worse during COVID and he doesn't make an effort.
Here is the corker, if I gain weight, he calls me fat, if I refuse sex, I'm frigid or a lesbian. Watching TV the other night he was going on about how much he would bone some buxom but slim woman on TV.
I now get dressed in the bathroom (he works in the bedroom so I have no space to get up and dressed).
He is middle aged, beer gut, balding and I feel sick having sex. But I can't be anything but attractive and even then it's not enough.
Am I being unreasonable to want to tell him that giving him a BJ with his fat gut in the face would not be attract to a hot busty Brazilian and he needs to get over himself? Or would I deflate his ego?

OP posts:
lastminutedotcom22 · 27/07/2022 22:07

Notanotherwindow · 27/07/2022 11:46

Just from the calling you names, I'd have fucked off long ago. I'd rather be single than live with a Prince like that. You need some self respect because he isn't giving you any.

100% this
Get rid

Greengagesnfennel · 27/07/2022 22:10

Topgub · 27/07/2022 11:50

Its not how he looks thats the problem

This!

HollowTalk · 27/07/2022 22:17

Look, the reason he's not cheating is because nobody else would bloody touch him. Come on, give yourself a grip! You can do far better than this. What I would do personally is plan to leave, not tell him and just bugger off when he's not in.

If he is always in and you are in and out of the house, just siphon things off really slowly so that he doesn't notice.

Lagertha6 · 27/07/2022 22:50

Is this a windup? Why are you putting up with that

GoT1904 · 27/07/2022 22:51

Really proud of you for getting out. ❤️ You can have such a happy future!

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 22:59

hattie43 · 27/07/2022 15:22

Is this even for real

Sadly it is.
I spoke to him tonight and said he is out of order and needs to wind his neck in. Didn't tell him chapter and verse because he cut me off and said that it wasn't that I wanted to state his behaviour but that I wanted to exhale all my anger. 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 23:01

HollowTalk · 27/07/2022 22:17

Look, the reason he's not cheating is because nobody else would bloody touch him. Come on, give yourself a grip! You can do far better than this. What I would do personally is plan to leave, not tell him and just bugger off when he's not in.

If he is always in and you are in and out of the house, just siphon things off really slowly so that he doesn't notice.

That I what I'm thinking about now. The problem is that most of what is in the house is mine. We rent so not a problem, just need to start looking for somewhere.

OP posts:
MummyJasmin · 27/07/2022 23:02

He's an insecure pig trying to put you in your place. You don't deserve this OP 😘

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 23:06

MummyJasmin · 27/07/2022 23:02

He's an insecure pig trying to put you in your place. You don't deserve this OP 😘

💜

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 23:12

Thanks again to everyone who has responded.
I feel overwhelming the way you uave all validated my experience.

Saldy I let things slide in our relationship and I allowed behaviour I wouldn't normally tolerate which made him think he could behave how he wanted.
But I can't keep making allowances and he now feels entitled to behave this way.
I am worth better and I will be better off on my own, my kids are grown now and I have the freedom to be myself.
He won't change, he will find some poor sucker and do the same again. But at least that sucker won't be me.

OP posts:
Fireflygal · 27/07/2022 23:21

How long have you been together?

mynamesnotMa · 27/07/2022 23:26

Well done you can easily get away. This time next year you'll be 100% happier as long as you keep away from blood suckering leaches

TheHumanExperience · 28/07/2022 17:30

Notanotherwindow · 27/07/2022 11:46

Just from the calling you names, I'd have fucked off long ago. I'd rather be single than live with a Prince like that. You need some self respect because he isn't giving you any.

This 101%

TheHumanExperience · 28/07/2022 17:37

Tryingtobehonest · 27/07/2022 22:59

Sadly it is.
I spoke to him tonight and said he is out of order and needs to wind his neck in. Didn't tell him chapter and verse because he cut me off and said that it wasn't that I wanted to state his behaviour but that I wanted to exhale all my anger. 🙄

Show quote history

What is your home situation:
Married?
If so, for how long?
Has he always been a dick or is this behaviour recent?
Do you have children? If so how old?
Do you own your own home?
If so is it joint on the deeds, solely yours or solely his?
How are your finances: are they joint or do you still have independence and your own money?
Can you imagine growing old with a person like this?
Do you think this is a good role model for your children if you have them?
What's stopping you from leaving?

Do you think this is all you deserve?

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 28/07/2022 22:43

Fireflygal · 27/07/2022 23:21

How long have you been together?

12 years 😥

OP posts:
StripesSpots · 28/07/2022 22:49

It’s not the fat and balding bit that’s the problem, it’s the fact he’s a rude, sleazy, sexist pig. Of course you don’t fancy him.

My DH has got a ‘Dad bod’’ and is bald as a coot but he’s funny, smart, kind and treats me with the utmost respect and affection, which makes me fancy him.

Original poster
Tryingtobehonest · 28/07/2022 22:50

@TheHumanExperience
Been together 12byears, married for 11, one child together aged 10.
No property, we rent. Have savings which he would try get but I'm smarter than that.
He wasn't always like this, had issues but was in awe of me. Has been heading his way slowly.

I think he is an alcoholic, he drinks more than me, more han most. But he genuinely doesn't remember some shit he does. It's like he knows he did something because he knows I'm pissed st him, but he has no clue what it is and when I tell him, he thinks im making it up. I didn't realise how bad it was until the other day. We went on holiday and he said stuff and when I told him yesterday he had no clue (trust me I know when he is trying to lie).
This situation makes me want to leave ASAP because he is only going to get worse. The problem is he will be drunk AF and have our child overnight.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 28/07/2022 23:09

Blossomtoes · 27/07/2022 14:39

I thought I might get the speech on accepting people for who they are regardless of what they look like.

You might have done if you’d said he was exemplary in every other way but he’s not.

Exactly. Its not his looks we're objecting to.

2catsandhappy · 15/01/2023 11:18

@Tryingtobehonest Hello! I have been wondering how you are and if you have changed your situation? Really hoping 2023 is being good for you.

IdealisticCynic · 15/01/2023 11:51

Your feelings of low self worth are a result of his criticism and behaviour. I think that if you left him, you would find a rapid and almost immediate increase in confidence simply by not being put down anymore. It’s worth considering that he may be behaving like this to deliberately lower your confidence so you don’t feel able to leave. It’s a classic form of controlling behaviour. I really, really, hope you do leave him - and soon. But if you currently feel unable to just leave him now, can I please suggest working with a therapist ASAP with whom you can talk all of this through with? You may find that discussing it with a professional helps to clarify things in your own mind.

IsThePopeCatholic · 15/01/2023 12:24

Come on, op. Listen to your kids. Don’t put up with this Neanderthal. He’s destroying you.

gelatogina · 15/01/2023 12:30

Leave this disgusting pig and your self worth will soar

Disabrie22 · 15/01/2023 13:05

OP I would not be giving anybody a BJ who called me frigid or a lesbian - Jesus - why are you putting up with this? Pack up anything of value and ship out with your child.

Mollymoostoo · 24/01/2023 20:17

Thanks for those who commented. Things changed dramatically and I put boundaries in and get therapy. I'm still working on my issues but my change in response and attitude meant he also had to respond differently. He acknowledged his part and has started to behave respectfully and with love.
He also admitted his own issues feeling bad about himself and I told him this isn't an excuse for bad behaviour. After an ultimatum, me getting therapy and putting in boundaries, things are much better. Not saying everything is a-ok, but certainly miles from where it was.

Deadringer · 24/01/2023 20:22

He sounds utterly disgusting.