Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

You cannot expect your normal routine to carry on when you have guests - especially your parents. They are on holiday, they don't want to be sat about in your home. I would not expect anyone to take over my kitchen and cook - paying for a meal out is a lovely gesture. Forget your mopping and sweeping for a while.
I live abroad and used to absolutely love it when my mum came out. Sadly she can't as often now, as my gran needs extra help.
Ok, the getting up so early could grate, but you just put up with it - it doesn't sound like you are going to work and a tiring job. On the whole they sound ok - saying they are 'taking the piss' comes across as resentful and a bit bratty.

I have close family that live abroad that I spend time with. I am very very aware that this is their home and not a hotel. I really try and minimise the impact of my physical presence by being a help wherever possible. That means I offer to babysit, do bath/bedtimes, pay for food, cook, clean and generally pitch in in the same way a full time member of the household would do.

I sometimes feel a bit awkward being in their space so will also bugger off out of the way and maybe that’s where your family is getting the balance wrong and they’re trying to do too much of that?

Or they’re really selfish people who don’t care. Only you know the answer.

You need to be firmer in your daughter’s interests. I wouldn’t let my in-laws dictate that we left the play park early, let alone my own parents.
Take her to the park. When your DM or DF say she needs to hurry up, say ‘No, she can stay and play for an hour( or whatever).’ If they protest, say firmly that she is a child and she needs her playtime. They can walk home, get taxi etc. It sounds as though they are doing plenty of what they want to do.

Regarding the noise he makes, you needed to have addressed that on day one. You get up and say to him that he needs to be quiet because it’s disturbing others. I would be clear with them that she had been ill and needs her sleep. He doesn’t have to stay in bed, but he needs to be quiet. My FIL gets up early but is quiet downstairs, drinking tea and reading the paper. He doesn’t expect us to get up early, he knows it’s very early for most.

Really surprised by the vote

they are using you as a hotel. Tell them to stop. They can stay at an actual hotel if they want!

your dad sounds especially bad, expecting everyone to be up because he is.

I'm really puzzled by the replies here.

I remember your previous threads and I'm surprised you've had so much criticism on this one.

8 weeks a year is a lot. It would drive me absolutely insane, even without being woken at 6am every morning.

As you've already asked them nicely to change how they do things a bit and they haven't changed, then I think you're going to need to be really firm about them visiting less frequently. If it causes upset or a row then so be it, they should have been more considerate!

It's not all about who pays, though, is it? It's about who is doing the work – and that's not the people who think they are on holiday.

The parents are undoubtedly creating more work for their child. I think I'd be setting a limit on how often they were going to come if they are going to behave as if they are purely on holiday rather than a family visit.

But this needs a conversation really - make it clear it's too much work too often. Can they help or at least join in a bit more?

I also think the OP is not yet quite clear how she'd like it to change - and she needs to sort that out in her own mind first before letting her parents know.

Just tell them not to come anymore.

Meant to add that you must have the patience of a saint. I’d have exploded by now.
I get annoyed when relatives leave the downstairs loo door open at ours when they carefully close it in their own house.

@Mariposista did you not read all the OP’s posts? Her parents are there 2 months total each year, that’s not a holiday that’s 56/60 days a year and wildly inconvenient and rude to expect to be waited on hand and foot in holiday mode when staying with a young family.

OP has tried to float her going to stay with them for visits, but they get in and buy their tickets first, they clearly just want free accommodation in a sunny country, and to be taxied around, what they are ‘contributing’ won’t come close to the costs if they had to rent a cottage/air bnb.

I strongly suggest OP @Peppapigagainffs just tells them they need to book a nearby hotel in the future, I guarantee their visits will stop completely.

That means I offer to babysit, do bath/bedtimes, pay for food, cook, clean and generally pitch in in the same way a full time member of the household would do.

See I wouldn't do most of that, and I don't think it's because I'm a horrible person. It's because I treat people how I'd want to be treated and I'd absolutely hate a guest to start cleaning or cooking in my home. I'd want house guests like the OP's parents - pay for stuff, go out on their own some days so we have some space, buy a few takeaways.

If someone specifically asked me to cook or clean I'd do it, but I wouldn't offer. To me it would be rude to start cleaning someone else's house without being asked. Cleaning up after myself, sure, but not general cleaning.

Surely with family though you can ask if they need a hand? It's her parents, not some long distant great-aunt or friend of a friend. Would you like a hand with the dishes? Would you like me to watch your little one whilst you do a bit of shopping? Just basic helpful stuff. I don't have one friend or one family member where I would just sit there whilst they did everything, unless it was for a one off dinner. Once you start living together, you need to share living chores, especially if you are creating more of them.

A lot of this sounds similar to my experiences of visitor parents/ in laws . I remember being shattered waiting on everyone . I often felt that they liked being able to talk ( boast) about their grandchildren with their friends but didn’t want to do any actually grandparenting .It felt generational to me and a bit ‘children should be seen and not heard’ . I think also some of it was just related to the tiredness of age .

I do think though you need to address the waking up your DD as that sounds like it’s making it much harder for you . I wouldn’t bother raising anything else - I don’t think it will change if you’ve already tried . What you can do though is limit your availability next time they want to stay.

I don't think you are being unreasonable either. They are acting like you are their free holiday home with chauffeur, maid and cook thrown in. They are not acting like normal family coming to visit.

If you are in someone else's house you behave politely, don't make a noise to wake everyone up at 6am and don't ignore the families routine. You also, if you are a normal person, offer to help make meals and wash up because you know full well that you being their is causing extra work for that person.

As they have ignored your hints I would tell them that you can't have them coming for more than 1 week in future as it is too disrupting for your DD's routine and that you want them to hire their own car if they want to go out everyday sightseeing as you have a life that has to continue. Also, tell your dad that he has to be quiet in the morning until a reasonable time (7.30 or 8 am) and that if he can't do that then they will have to start renting an apartment or going to a hotel when they come to visit.

They are taking advantage of you and it isn't nice or kind to do that.

You think your parents are coming to visit you. They think they are having a holiday in the sun using your house and paying for stuff to compensate for the free accomodation.

I think it is a bit shit. When my parents visited me or when MIL visited us they came to see the children and wanted to do things like pick up from school/go to the playground/go to swimming lessons because they loved seeing them in their ordinary lives. They also went off themselves to visit shops/museums etc but didn't expect me to bring a 4 year old to adult things.

You can either tell them not to come so often or be determined to go about your normal life when they are here. Just tell them you have a routine but they are welcome to go out themselves if they want. My parents in their 70s were well able to find there way around a metro/bus system in a big city.

I've voted YABU, as this is your home and you're allowing the behaviour that is upsetting you and making you resentful.
It sounds like you only have one DC and don't work, so you have plenty of time to do h/work, do stuff with DC, as well as spend a bit of time with your parents.
If the situation is making you so unhappy, reduce the time they come per year, be a bit more vocal in your expectations and boundaries.
They don't sound like they have or ever will be particularly hands on GPs, so I'd forget about wanting them to look after DC.
If you're that desirous of a break at some stage (maybe when GPs have gone), can't you use a local childminder, so that you and DH can go out for dinner, or something?

Yes, they are taking the P. They sound quite arrogant and they think they can buy you with money. They've got a bit of a folie des deaux going on, haven't they?

The constantly driving them about is ridiculous too. Why can't they use public transport or hire a car, like everyone else does on holiday?

The solution to this is to not accept any money from them except for food and tbh I'd stop them coming that often. Just tell give them the details of a nearby hotel and say you are limiting stays to 2 weeks par year (or nothing).

It seems like you're just passive aggressively feeling resentful for them not knowing how you want them to behave or how you feel - without actually talking to them about any of it. You need to calmly tell them what you're struggling with and what you'd like them to do about it. Being vague or beating around the bush isn't going to work, you need to be clear - but you can do it without being aggressive or rude. If they're not prepared to play by your rules in your house then you have to decide whether you're going to just put up with it or limit how often and how long they come for.

My dad isn't as bad, but he's a very early riser and has to be out and about. He stays in a B&B, we live near an RHS place that he has membership for and he will drive to when there's not a plan to go out somewhere.

I have 4 DC, 3 with ASD diagnosis but he cannot quite get to grips that we're not all ready at 8am to go and cease the day. He also needs naps which was a nightmare when he used to stay, hence the B&B now being a better all round solution.

He absolutely will cook, hang washing etc though

They've got everything the way THEY want it. They don't sound bothered at all about you or DD -- sounds like they don't want to spend time with her at all. Going out on their own instead of going for a walk with her, & telling her to hurry up when the poor kid finally gets to be in the playground - pfft!

When they tell you they've booked flights, just say it's not convenient & they'll have to find a hotel. The phrase 'That doesn't work for us' is often recommended in these situations. Try, "We can always meet up for lunch or coffee like we used to," which includes the dig that they've treated you like a hotel.

I know it's difficult to say no, but they're using you & making your life harder.

We have an early waking DC. The lengths we've gone to (well, mostly me) to keep her quiet and entertained for the 3 hours or so before PIL are up and about. Fortunately they're quite deaf and sleep like logs.

Your dad is very rude! Missing out on sleep and dealing with a fractious child for two weeks is horrible, whatever your parents are paying for.

What shines through is that they have little interest in your DD. Were they self-involved when you were little? Try booking a holiday as a 'mix up' one week they plan to come. Offer them the house to use. I think their reaction will tell you a lot!

I feel I'm on a different planet to many on here. To me it is blindingly obvious, as evidenced by their lack of interest in spending time with their grandchild on their own, that they see this as a cheap-ish holiday in a lovely place. This might (MIGHT!) be liveable with if it were once a year for a week or 10 days. That they act like this when spending up to one sixth of the year in the OPs home is outrageous. And terribly hurtful that they don't want to help out their daughter, give her a break, facilitate her and her husband having a night out. I think their generosity or otherwise is besides the point. I am sure that even if they gave the OP a tonne of cash it wouldnt make up for their thoughtlessness. Anyone can throw money at a problem, what OP would treasure much more I'm sure would be to be told to get herself dressed up and go off for a date with her husband. Or play a boardgame with her daughter. Or for her father to read a bloody book for an hour in the morning when he wakes up rathrr than tramp around the house. But even if they were fabulous guests, 2 months of the year is a lot, what does your husband make of of it. I can't imagine my spouse being happy with it.

@redastherose This is the thing, he’s quieter at weekends when Dh is off and doesn’t go off for a walk then expect to be picked up, basically they act like better guests when Dh is here on weekends…so it’s obviously just ok to act like that with me

They used to be able to sunbathe in the garden as we had sun loungers, now the garden is full of slides, swings, mud kitchen, paddling pool etc..,just the way it is. Dm said the other day that there wasn’t much shade, we have large umbrella over the pool and go in the garden when cooler during July/August. She said we should get a huge cover thing for the garden, I said no as it’s takes up too much space in an already full garden and difficult to store away after etc (house and shed part already stuffed with toys etc) she was quite put out and said she’d pay, I said that’s no the point it’s just we don’t want one and only go out into the garden at the right times of the day and then chill in the house etc. She looked annoyed/pissed off as wanted it so they could sit out in the garden, fine, but at the expense of what I want in my garden 🤷🏻‍♀️
it’s things like that and constantly walking in tmr kitchen and Df leaves cups, knives, crumbs out everywhere without even putting them in the sink, this lunchtime it was a tin used for sardines, put it in the bin 🤷🏻‍♀️
I always make breakfast and lunch for Dd obviously and he often acts a little put out if I make pancakes for her for example and says ‘’ Oh I didn’t realise you were making pancakes’ or this time after I handed Dd her lunch, he was saying something about making his own lunch! As if I’m going to start messing around with sardines etc too, whilst sorting Dd out and cleaning it all up

It's your house. Be assertive and lay down house rules if they want to visit. Personally I think they're being CF's. My parents would be far more considerate in the same situation

@theleafandnotthetree Thats exactly what I would prefer, that make me feel quite emotional.