Are my own parents taking the piss out of me?

[Peppapigagainffs]

Feeling really hurt and resentful.

Parents have come to stay with us for a couple of weeks, we live in a lovely, hot place abroad.
Df wakes v early and needs to be up and out doing things. He often decides in his own head what he wants to do and engineers it so we work around him.
I have a 4 year old Dd, who needs her sleep and has some tummy issues at the moment.
Df often gets up early and goes out for a walk and then arranges for us to go and pick him up/meet him briefly for coffee, as he’s bored by then as has had a coffee and wants to go.
If I say we’re having a quiet day in (has been once in almost two weeks) they get up and go out early themselves for a walk/don’t have breakfast with us etc.
I drive them somewhere nice every day and they often come back, nap or watch tv and then I make dinner for everyone. My mum occasionally washes up, dad doesn’t do anything. I Hoover and mop whilst they sit watching the news. They never offer to have Dd, have never babysat, we’ve not had a break for 4 years.
They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out. This I obviously appreciate as I can’t afford to live my normal life like I’m on holiday and wouldn’t drive everyday somewhere or have lunches out and eat as much as they do.
Just feel resentful of being woke up at 6 everyday by Df being loud and expected to work to his schedule and if I’m not planning to go out, they just go out, no sitting for breakfast or asking what we’re doing.
No one offers to cook, although they do pay for a couple of takeaways. Have a few days left and don’t want to be simmering with resentment and hurt and leave things on a bad note. When they leave they say a thanks for everything and mum often leaves a bit of money on my bedroom dressing table.
Aibu in feeling sort of used & hurt, would you?

The only thing you can ask is that your DF is quiet in the morning. The rest, no. You say you're tired of cooking? Well, if your parents weren't there I suppose you would be cooking anyway? I think you are frustrated that they treat your home like a hotel, and I understand that, but it's only for a few weeks. If they lived with you permanently, I would have more sympathy.

Put your DD to sleep early. This way she gets enough sleep. Go to bed early yourself and wake up when your (inconsiderate) father starts messing about making noises. And breathe deeply. My mother woke up early too the last years she lived. It turned out she had a fear of dying and those thoughts were worse in the early morning hours so she busied herself, cleaning the kitchen. Perhaps your father has similar issues.

Plus, a lot of parents come by without paying for anything and expect to be entertained 24/7. I would say you are one of the lucky ones.

apart from the fact that this sounds staggeringly similar (down to the loud DF in the mornings, going for a walk and then wanting picking up) to a recent post, i don't think it sounds too bad?
They're on holiday, you're not.

Is there a reason you haven't been on holiday? Why not just say "no" to them, when they talk about the next visit?

I think you need to be more assertive, but in your shoes in this scenario? it wouldn't bother me.

Yikes. I’d be too grumpy to hold it in- id hear him at 6am and come out and say do you remember when I woke you at 2 and 4am last night? No? That’s because I didn’t, maybe you could show us the same consideration?? You’ll need to find a hotel if you wake us again before 8, I’m too tired for guests that think it’s ok to wake people at 6.
good on you for taking your dd to a playground on the way back from her appt. I challenge you tomorrow morning to say I’m taking dd to the playground. And not take them anywhere. If they say anything say you came to visit us, she’s 4 years old (or whatever) and likes playgrounds, so that’s where we are going today. She doesn’t like going out to lunch and we’ve done a lot of that.

Ok, I agree they help out financially. I just think it's weird to stay with someone, anyone, for two weeks and not say can I help with cooking, washing up? I mean I wouldn't do that to a friend, and family definitely all pitches in.

Ultimately, their behaviour is making the OP not want them to come. They can carry on with the 6am wakening (and he's noisy which is really rude) and their lifestyle the way they want it, but the OP will just opt out eventually, or perhaps her husband will. I can't imagine being this type of guest, I don't want my children to dread me coming to see them!

You’re over egging how much they pay for.

They pay for food when they’re out with OP

Otherwise they expect to be cooked for the two weeks, apart from a couple of takeaways.

They are not paying for the family’s full food shop for 2 weeks.

OP’s parents are getting a bargain and they know it, which is why they come 4 x a year, and why they scramble to book their flights for their next visit when OP mentions visiting them for a change.

Honestly, they sound like quite good guests - they pay their way, provide food for everyone, and keep out of the way when you don't want to do much.

It sounds like you need a solution to the early waking situation. Won't your DC go back to sleep if she's woken up? Is there a room further from theirs you could put her in? And explain to your dad he needs to keep the noise down in the mornings - maybe get your husband to tell him if you think that would make him more likely to comply.

As far as babysitting goes - ask them. Dropping hints and being passive aggressive about it isn't going to help.

But I think YABU to expect your guests to do chores.

@iloveredwine oh yeah, l remember the thread where the parents wanted to take over the grand child’s bedroom and leave loads of clothes there. It could well be. The dad was very entitled

But no one should get to have 4 x 2 week holidays per year at someone’s house at the expense of their daughter’s well being.

It's only a couple of weeks. I get what you're saying, but TBH most parents are a bit like this. Surely you can just put up with it, let them have a nice time with you, and then wave them goodbye and go back to your real life? Think of it that you are giving them a lovely holiday with you.

They are not paying for the family’s full food shop for 2 weeks.

They are: "They pay for all food shopping, petrol and lunches when out." Lunches when out. All food shopping.

In some families volunteering to help with cooking/cleaning will be seen as a dig at their ability to handle a household. In my family a 'housewife' (m/f) would feel very offended and take it as criticism of the state of their house/their cooking.

I took it to read food when out only, but only OP can confirm.

Then the parents should ask how they can help.

Would you stay at someone’s house for two weeks and expect them
to cook for you for two weeks?? You wouldn’t muck in at all?
You said they take you out for meals and buy takeaways surely that is the same as cooking. I wouldn't cook in someone else's house. But I would do like your parents pay for meals out and take aways

I took it to read food when out only, but only OP can confirm.

Materially it doesn't seem to matter - they've been out together every day for the entire trip (bar one day) so if they only pay for shopping they go out together, it's still all the shopping OP has done in a fortnight.

It's two weeks four times a year — eight weeks a year.

That sounds like the perfect parental visit.

Nope I can’t see what they are doing wrong.

They don't sound too bad apart from waking you up. They sound very generous. Not everyone's good at playing with children. When my parents (or any other visitors) come and stay I see it as a treat for them and don't let them help out at all. Why don't you just ask them to look after DD for a while - suggest something you know DD will love.

It sounds okay apart from you having to ferry everyone around. That would give you some energy back for sure. I wouldn't do the daily driving. You need to have conversations about this.
Being woken up early with noise is hard too. I'd ask for them to be a little quieter as you're struggling. I would say it kindly. I've done it with my own family members.
They're helping with food by just buying it. Maybe they don't feel like cooking so they do that. In terms of your own cooking, can you make meals that last two days? In my culture we have food that we can stick in the fridge and eat for two days although I know people who only like fresh food. I personally would not be able to cope with that with a small child but if I had to, there are meals that take 30 minutes to cook from start to finish.

Maybe you can say to them one morning, I'll drop you off to so and so park, and then I need to go home and just sleep. I'm exhausted. See what happens. They may find they enjoy it or something they might decline. Or drop them off and say DD is coming with you, I'll be back in an hour. Leave sandwiches and water with them. They may be delighted or they may say never again.

Just a few things you can try.

Which is the equivalent of spending a full day a week with parents and given the amount of threads on here about how much time parents should have with adult children and grandchildren I suspect a lot would find it very limiting.

This arrangement won’t be sustainable as dd gets older and goes to a playgroup kindergarten etc. it also won’t be good for dd to have her parenting disrupted by grandparents so frequently. You may as well put the boundaries in now op- you’ll find you have no choice in a year or 2.

Some good advice here OP.
Why would the DD be in school if it is July?

Took longer than I guessed for the "well my parents are dead" comments to appear. Completely unnecessary.

Your guests need to be able to be more independent on day trips. Is it the location that is stopping that? Car hire is pricey but so is paying for accommodation.

I don't think your parents are doing anything particularly wrong, maybe just only thinking of themselves. Why can't you make your own plans when it suits and if they fall in that's fine and if they don't that's fine too, everyone is setting to suit themselves.
It sounds in general as though you need a holiday, have you not got away yourselves as a family? Did/Do you view your parents holidays as a holiday for you too and since having your dd that's changed?

Next time your parents book to come Why don't you ask if they'll mind her for one night when you and your husband go away?
You do make it sound like your dd has some health and perhaps behavioural issues, perhaps they've been reluctant to take care of her due to this?

Get rid of the spare bed.

If they've nowhere to sleep, they'll have to book and pay for an airbnb or hotel and hire a car.

That way you can meet up with them a couple of times and leave when DD (you) have had enough.

They are not visiting you to spend time with you, they are coming for a 'free' holiday that is very clear. Therefore they have no intention of cooking or doing any childcare, they are covering their costs and that's as much as they intend to do. Fair enough for a holiday but selfish of them to use you in this way imo. You have a choice, you can either let them stay with you for free accomadation, or you can ask them to come and stay with you, fit in with your routine, and pitch in with the cooking and look after your dd for a bit. I think if you lay it out like that they will stop coming tbh.