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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be suspicious my DH trims his pubes?

174 replies

Krazylady · 26/07/2022 15:27

Discovered (by way of seeing lots of short pube hair in the loo) that my DH has trimmed his pubes ahead of a 3 days away in London for work.

Back story: married for 20 years, DH has had a history of using sex workers, HOWEVER he has been trying really hard to rebuild my trust and save our marriage over the last year. We have not been having sex mainly bc of my trust issues but have been getting on really well, sleeping in same bed, cuddling, having fun and I thought we were heading in the right direction...

Then I find the pubes in the loo. Why would he be trimming down there if we are not having a sexual relationship ourselves? Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 26/07/2022 21:34

Krazylady · 26/07/2022 15:32

I'm just wondering what reasons are out there for a man to shave his pubes?
I'm not aware that he has done it before.

Whilst I can't possibly say what your DP is or is not up to, my DP trims his pubes because they snag him in the gym Grin He wears skins to train in under his shorts and they pull at him, especially when running (he's a referee, so runs a lot). So there are valid reasons for trimming. But I understand your anxiety given past behaviours.

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 21:42

YoYoLife · 26/07/2022 21:18

Why haven't you asked him about it?

Yes, he is a cheating dog, but if he can't get sex from you he will get it elsewhere. You need to understand that. So let him go if you can't give him what he needs.

he is supposed to be giving her what she needs.
You know, like loyalty, honestly, respect.

Original poster
Krazylady · 26/07/2022 21:44

Thank you for all of your messages.
We are in our early 50's. We have 3 teenage children still at school.
I found out he was using sex workers 2 years ago, but he admitted that he had done it before.
Honestly this is like a bad dream. Again.

OP posts:
wellhelloitsme · 26/07/2022 21:45

@YoYoLife

Let him go?

He's a big boy capable of booking sex workers, so he's old enough to leave a relationship he's unhappy in without needing permission from the other person if he's not happy with their sex life.

Vikinga · 26/07/2022 21:46

Definitely dodgy.

wellhelloitsme · 26/07/2022 21:47

Krazylady · 26/07/2022 21:44

Thank you for all of your messages.
We are in our early 50's. We have 3 teenage children still at school.
I found out he was using sex workers 2 years ago, but he admitted that he had done it before.
Honestly this is like a bad dream. Again.

I'm so sorry OP. He sounds vile and sees women as objects he can pay to access.

This sounds like the kind of relationship you leave and then once the horrible grieving period is over, you look back and realise how unhappy they made you and are filled with relief that you have the rest of your life ahead of you without them taking up all your headspace and further damaging your confidence.

ShimmyYaYaYay · 26/07/2022 21:47

When he was using sex workers previously, was it local to you or whilst away?

YoYoLife · 26/07/2022 21:49

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 21:42

he is supposed to be giving her what she needs.
You know, like loyalty, honestly, respect.

Show quote history

I was expecting a reply like this. You are right, he should be. However not many men want to stay in a sexless marriage. If he wants/needs sex and he isn't getting it, he will like most men get it elsewhere. I'm always bemused by women that complain their husband is having an affair/seeing sex workers but then with a further dripfeed it turns out there is no sex in their marriage because she doesn't want it. Well, then he will get it elsewhere, so you can't be surprised. Is cheating right? No. Being loyal, honest and respectful is what should happen here, you're right. But we're talking about a basic human need in a marriage. OP needs to decide if she wants to allow an open marriage because she doesn't want to have sex with him, or to let him go.

YoYoLife · 26/07/2022 21:50

wellhelloitsme · 26/07/2022 21:45

@YoYoLife

Let him go?

He's a big boy capable of booking sex workers, so he's old enough to leave a relationship he's unhappy in without needing permission from the other person if he's not happy with their sex life.

Yes, he should do that too.

Fifipop185 · 26/07/2022 21:50

Just asked DH and he said deffo dodgy. No one trims down there unless he's expecting some action.

GettingItOutThere · 26/07/2022 21:52

he is expecting someone to see them...

i would spend the time when hes away sorting out your finances, getting ducks in row etc and leave him

once a cheat, always a cheat!

StClare101 · 26/07/2022 21:54

Raise your standards and leave him.

Original poster
Krazylady · 26/07/2022 21:54

Both

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 26/07/2022 22:06

I caught my ex husband devoid of pubes once before he was going out to a "business meeting". Our sex life had been a bit patchy due to a non sleeping baby. He was having an affair. I remember at the time thinking it was odd but I was so very exhausted and consumed with PND that I just let it go. Ended up having to have STI tests. I'm really sorry, you deserve better than this inadequate manFlowers

Manxiety · 26/07/2022 22:20

Just check Illicit Encounters! It's an epidemic.

expat101 · 26/07/2022 22:49

Manscaping is a thing, many women tidy up their pubic hairline why can’t men?

DH does, we jokingly call it needing a crutching (we own a farm so that is where that stems from) but it’s a comfort thing for him.

However I don’t have any worries of him being unfaithful. That’s a different ballgame altogether and I suggest you need to address this first and foremost in your marriage.

bluegardenflowers · 26/07/2022 22:53

I'd he doesn't so it for you it's to ensure (or help) towards not getting pubic lice. Maybe he's had them before and thinks this will help.

RenegadeMatron · 26/07/2022 23:03

Manscaping is a thing, many women tidy up their pubic hairline why can’t men?

Of course they can, @expat101 ….

Nobody’s saying they can’t. It’s suspicious because he has form for using sex workers.

Faffertea · 26/07/2022 23:15

I’m really sorry you’re in this position OP.
What has he done/is he doing to earn your trust back? In this situation if you confront him I would expect him to be absolutely open, offer you whatever reassurances are possible (let you check his phone/cancel the trip etc) to prove that he is not doing this because he is planning sex.

Anything less than being completely open and understanding that you need this reassurance because of HIS behaviour would be a red flag to me.

RosyappleA · 26/07/2022 23:20

I agree with a PP a man who has used sex workers can absolutely not stay in a sexless marriage.

SouperNoodle · 26/07/2022 23:26

Oh OP I am so sorry. It's obvious he's planning on straying while away.
Kick him to the curb.

WinterDeWinter · 27/07/2022 00:20

Also, let's say prostitutes or prostituted women or trafficked women. He has no way of knowing which is which, and only men who have a vested interest in obfuscating that fact, and the women who are so damaged that they'll buy any gaslighting if it means they can have some self-esteem, call them sex workers.

Hawkins001 · 27/07/2022 00:28

Krazylady · 26/07/2022 15:32

I'm just wondering what reasons are out there for a man to shave his pubes?
I'm not aware that he has done it before.

He is an intelligence operative and on a covert mission, with a possible high value person, and he may need to offer extra services.

that said, all the best and positivity op.

could it be that he does then regularly, but you have only just noticed and now are putting the two together to make five ?

BritWifeInUSA · 27/07/2022 04:04

Krazylady · 26/07/2022 16:22

Well it seems the overwhelming feeling from everyone is that he is doing it to have sex whilst away. I suppose I knew this, I just wanted there to be another reason.

He had flushed the loo, just some pubes remained when I went later. I can't think of anything else they could have been.

I am sad and deflated and disappointed and so so sad. Yes I am stupid for believing but it did feel like things were different.

Lots or some? It was “lots” in the first post, now it’s “some” that were left after flushing.

EarringsandLipstick · 27/07/2022 05:24

I was expecting a reply like this. You are right, he should be. However not many men want to stay in a sexless marriage. If he wants/needs sex and he isn't getting it, he will like most men get it elsewhere. I'm always bemused by women that complain their husband is having an affair/seeing sex workers but then with a further dripfeed it turns out there is no sex in their marriage because she doesn't want it. Well, then he will get it elsewhere, so you can't be surprised. Is cheating right? No. Being loyal, honest and respectful is what should happen here, you're right. But we're talking about a basic human need in a marriage. OP needs to decide if she wants to allow an open marriage because she doesn't want to have sex with him, or to let him go.

He's a sentient adult presumably if a completely vile one

If he is unhappy in his relationship (due to the lack of sex or anything else), he can decide to leave & let OP know why.

There's no excuse for repeatedly cheating using sex workers.

The two situations are not cause & effect

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