To want people to buy what they promised?

[Panicbuyingmum]

Trying to work out if I'm BU, I can be a bit BEC sometimes!

DD is 4 tomorrow, since she was born we've had a relatively strict policy of only buying toys etc. for her birthday or Christmas. If she sees something in a shop/advert we say she can add it to her 'list' (not a physical list anywhere). This is the first time that she's really started to get into this and there are 3/4 things that have been on her 'list' for a long time and that she really wants.

As her birthday has gotten closer she will often talk about how excited she is to get these things, they're only little bits and pieces but she's waited so patiently for them.

Now on to the issue! We were at a wedding about 3 weeks ago with all of DHs family, we don't see them as often as my side (their choice not ours!) and DH would really like for them to foster a better relationship with DD. MIL asked me if DD had anything specific that she wanted for her birthday as she would rather buy her something she really wants than guess. SILs and BILs agreed on this too.

My thought - fantastic! I'll let PILs be the heroes of the hour with the much longed for presents and we'll get her some things we know she'd like. Went through 3 different things with them, showed them the stuff online (and the prices) then sent them the links. ILs said that all looked great, they would sort that and reiterated that they wanted to get her something she'd really like.

Fast forward to last night and on the phone MIL casually mentions they've all clubbed together to buy DD a 'big present' all together. I said (as casually as I could!) oh what about the things on her wishlist, and was told that they decided not to because they saw this instead and it's 'much better'.

Now I'm sure this is probably true, none-the-less, it's not what we agreed and what she's looking forward to. Now I've had to panic buy the bits she wanted and I've got to make a dash to 2 click and collects this afternoon to grab it as Prime wouldn't get them here in time.

I'm pretty miffed about this, DH took more of a 'she wouldn't even notice if she didn't get what she'd asked for' stance and that she should be grateful for anything. I, on the other hand, am thinking that if we're going to take a hard line stance of not buying stuff 24/7 then we should deliver on our promises to get her what she wants. Obviously as she gets older we'll need to add some boundaries to this (no xbox, ps5 AND switch thank you!) but we're still in the rollerskates and barbies stage.

We learned this lesson as well - if there is something DC really want, buy it yourself.

And we had a similar scenario. It didn’t happen again. What we did have was in laws saying they didn’t want to get what we’d suggested and asking for a second suggestion. The issue was not price, just their views, thinking they were too old for that or some other reason. DH would sort of look at me while on a call to them and ask for another suggestion and I mouthed ‘they’ve had one’ and left him with the ‘problem’.

My DP does this and it drives me mad. I get money from my family every year and he always asks me what I want and I say “this exact thing but I’m happy to use my dads money for it” and then he buys me something that’s not quite what I want but I feel like I can’t rebuy because he will be upset. For example I wanted a specific nude eyeshadow palette, he got me a more expensive palette but it was completely different colours and a different brand.

This. All this importance placed on special presents and lists. I'm sure she'll love surprises too.

I agree this is very frustrating. However, we have learnt that anything on a wishlist we sort ourselves. Then the kids tell anyone else if they ask. If not we just let people surprise them, or they ask me for ideas.

😂love it, they are so stupid. They've now got themselves into a world of pain by not listening to you. Their own fault, hope they learnt a lesson, although probably haven't.

This reminds me of grandparents here. I said I was off to buy Ds a new sun hat as he had lost it, they insisted on being able to buy and send him one.

It was for age 12-15 years and massive ‘ so he grows into it’. He’s 2, and needs a sun hat this summer, not in 10 years time.

Why do parents complicate children's lives - cue Philip Larkin

We got second hand wooden sets and my DPs replaced the sets room by room. Glad it wasnt something bigger. If your 4 year old is like mine she would use spoons and bits of fluff to represent whatever she was playing with anyhow. For a while her doills house was the home of the numberblocks she got free in the magazine and the month of the spoon broomsticks for ther dollies was hilarious.

Less so at this age as they tend to change ideas so often but I do remember, at older than this, asking for certain things for birthdays and Christmas - not big things but stuff I needed like a specific calculator for school or an item of clothing and that kind of thing from my parents and grandma.

And not getting them. The calculator was because I already had one so why did I need another one?! Clothing was chosen for me whether I liked it or not. And partly the amount of effort then to hide being upset about this and to appear grateful for what I had been given. I developed a bit of a thing about not opening presents in front of people because of this.

I think the key thing for me was that they hadn't listened to me and it felt like they didn't know me?

That would enrage me on lots of levels. Why ask if you're not going to get it? I'm very generous in giving my 'good' present ideas - the things my son REALLY wants - to his Dad to buy (we're separated). But it's on the understanding that he buys them, so our son either gets what he's asked for, or is delighted by something he didn't even know he wanted. I don't have to spell this out. It's the POINT, when I'm asked if there's anything he should buy. YANBU. Money is tight for all of us these days. I don't buy the thinking, just be grateful for whatever is bought for your child. The child should be grateful, of course. The adults should work together to minimise spend and waste and maximise delight, when it's a 4-year old. There's too much 'stuff' gifted.

My mum is the worst for this. She buys a lot of tat and I’d rather have one nice thing or even nothing but a card. If you say you want something in particular she buys something cheaper but similar so she can the add a lot of tat. One year she asked what we wanted and as a joint present we asked for an actifry (she spends a lot so this isn’t out of budget for her) she bought us a halogen oven thing that was useless and not needed. Then gave us things like manicure sets, my husband has never used a manicure set and it was cheap rubbish, card holders to stop your cards being read, mugs when I have tons, cheap body stuff she knows I’m allergic too…I wish she wouldn’t buy anything tbh. There are a few luxury things I want but she will buy £200 of tat that’ll go to the charity shop.

I sympathise- this is my mother too- fer her the emphasis in on quantity.
So she will lierally give close family 40 gifts each, and same stuff- slipper socks, mugs, plastic plants, signs plastic coin banks in the shape of a vodka bottle,hat and scarf sets, "funny" signs to hang in the toilet, I dread present opening time- she must spend £1000 in the B&M shop.
I have tactfully suggested that she cuts down, but to no avail.
All the other adults small thoughtful gifts, not necessarily expensive stuff, but things to let each other know we listen.
After christmas I gather all the unwanted tat and take it to a charity shop.
Every bloody year.

I think as there’s too much emphasis on the moment of opening present rather than afterwards if it’ll be good and practical for them. That’s why people go for big presents or joke presents.

Aww, that's such a shame. Sounds like it would've actually been a really lovely present if not for the house being empty. A bit naive of them to think they could get all that for 80 quid, though. I agree that Sylvanians are ludicrously overpriced, but even if you didn't know that I would've thought it obvious that £80 for an entirely kitted-out dolls house would seem far too good to be true. But I can see how it would happen.

YANBU, had this happen a few times before realising who I could rely on to buy the item they said they would buy, and those who would tell me 3 days before my daughter's birthday that the item was sold out everywhere, or just get her something completely different and not say anything. Don't know why they would leave it that late before trying to buy it. Also annoying that it was them who asked me what they could get her, so why bother asking if they were not going to get what they were asked to get.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that you only buy her toys at her birthday and Christmas. Do you not buy yourself things you want throughout the year? Maybe you wouldn’t have this entire situation if you didn’t stick to your own stupid rule. It’s great to teach her to earn things and be patient for the things she really wants, but she’s a child. Only rewarding her twice a year seems like a control freak… maybe it’s just me..🤷🏼‍♀️

@Plantoholic - I think most people only buy presents at events like birthdays, Christmas, maybe Easter don’t they? I mean I will pick Ds up something like crayons that run out or buy new books or new bucket and spade for the beach, but I don’t have plans on adding to his toys like duplo, brio, animals, or a bigger thing until Christmas now.

I decided very early on as a mum not to buy sylvanian family stuff as even in the 1990s/ early 2000 I couldn't afford it. The same with Thomas the Tank stuff....

@Caspianberg Same here, otherwise Christmas and birthday seem to become a little less special.

Yes normal here too - we would only buy something outside of Christmas/birthdays if it was needed. Baby quickly outgrowing too many toys, need something to keep them quiet for the garden or a long journey etc. Otherwise, Christmas and birthdays. I think most of my friends and family would be the same.

Making the best of a bad job I would make little bits of furniture with her. There’s bits you can print onto thick card and fold.

My mil, who is absolutely lovely, has form for ruining my present buying. They can afford loads more than us and I’m
always grateful as they happily pick up the big ticket items. But numerous times she’s been told not to get something as we’re getting it and then on the day she’s got it as an extra when it’s one of the main presents from us.

I agree. I feel like I deliberately don’t buy things my son wants for his birthday/christmas because a few weeks before I get messages from family asking what to get. I give them ideas or even specific items, nothing mega expensive then they ignore it and I have to go scrabbling around last minute.

@CarlCarlson
While I can understand the thought process behind why you said that, imagine this.
You have a daughter that is obsessed with dinosaurs and space, and asks for toys pertaining to that interest for every birthday and Christmas.
Your ILs, despite knowing this information, and receiving a list of toys that she's been begging for, decide to get her a huge castle playhouse, when a rocket playhouse would have cost the same amount of money from the same company, because they decided that would be 'much better'.
Your daughter ends up enjoying the smaller dinosaur or space themed toys she receives from other family members because that's what she's interested in and the playhouse either never gets opened at all or collects dust when the child inevitably ignores it.
Or worse, your daughter herself gets upset because she really doesn't like princess stuff, so she of course hates the castle, now ruining the party and updating the ILs in either situation.
Would the situation still be in favor of the ILs because "at least they bought her something"

I do feel you’re being unreasonable in this instance. I appreciate that your in laws initially said they’d buy the gifts you directed them towards but I think that’s quite controlling of you. Extended family should be free to choose their own gifts, ones that have meaning for them and one that might foster new interests and hobbies in a child.
I have never yet met a child who has been upset to receive a gift that they hadn’t already specifically chosen. Particularly one as young as yours. My four year old frequently adds things to his metaphorical list throughout the year… and usually forgets about them or has moved on by the time a birthday or Christmas comes around.

I feel there are larger things at play here, perhaps some resentment towards your in laws.

I would be quite insulted if a family member tried to tell me what to buy their child.

Just an aside but my DPs never bought me anything other than birthdays and Christmas (despite having plenty of money). I hated it.