To tell you about my sodding holiday so far ...

[Thousandthingstosay]

Stuck in holiday cottage with family in North England and these are the highlights so far

• it's raining
• father in law in denial about brexit, everything is the fault of the French, lazy doctors, people who don't want to work. This is relevant as everywhere we go there are staff shortages etc and no service
• mother in law being passive aggressive about meals. Complaining about cooking while complaining if anyone else attempts to cook or offers to take everyone out for a meal.
• at least 50% of the guests regularly suck their teeth after eating
• brother in law snores louder than he eats (which is horrendous) and is permanently red faced and boorish.
• sister in law clearly plotting a divorce and continually asks me legal advice (not sure why as I'm not a lawyer and never divorced)
• we have a random silent farter among us
• DH is sozzled as a coping strategy for staying with his family and useless
• My DD teenager glares at me while intermittently mouthing Italy, where most of her friends are apparently
• The dog drags it's arse across the carpet
• Many of the family cheat at the indoor games or are horridly competitive
• The wifi is shit

It's only day 3. We leave Friday.

This thread has just reminded me why I need to have a very important work event in the October half term that prevents me doing the week in north wales with almost our entire gene pool...

Gosh this sounds familiar (never again). Agree with PP that a day long vet visit may be your saviour tomorrow.

Film suggestion "misery"

Sneak out with DD in the middle of the night and board the next flight to Italy.

I got as far as 'It's raining' and was overcome with jealousy!

Yep, I agree with PP, up your alcohol intake, become an embarrassing slosh, apologise every morning, explain you can help yourself when on holiday, they won’t want to go away with you again, problem solved 😂

This - race to the bottom - genius.

Can you and dd escape to somewhere like a zizzi's for dinner alone and pretend your in Italy?!

Suggest a game of hide and seek and drive home.

You'll have a peaceful few days and the rest of them will be kept busy looking for you. I bet even DD will join in once you've been missing 48 hours.

Film suggestion "misery"😂

Could one of you perhaps come down with Covid, necessitating an early departure? There is a lot of it about at the moment ...

Oh God OP it sounds like Christmas in our house !! I’m really sorry - I feel your pain but your post made me laugh out loud. I have a mental picture of a family bust up going on over cheating at monopoly, and you huddled in corner watching the dog drag his arse across the carpet while you’re trying to log on to the internet !!

If nothing else, you need to call out the silent farter… I think a “I’m sorry but does someone need the toilet as they are clearly in some bowel discomfort and your bowel
discomfort is becoming a problem for everyone” as you peg your nose and shake your head….

Suggest a game of hide and seek and drive home.

🤣🤣🤣

Just had to agree with this. You should be mouthing back. 'Next time, I promise'.

Poster your sense of humour is brilliant. If anything that will get you through the week.

The divorce plotting SIL tickled me. I'd join your DH on the sozzled wagon.

Teenage daughter mouthing Italy made me laugh!!

OP you have my sympathies. And my respect for keeping your sense of humour.

I guess I'd try walks in the rain too, and to find something to bribe your DD into not sulking... even if it's the promise of a future Italian holiday.

Not to gloat but we went to Grado and Aquileia earlier this month - less well known places, but great. You can always daydream...

Summer rental with John Candy is good.😂😂😂

Look on the bright side; you can use it as material for a sitcom, which will be highly successful as so many will relate to it...Of course, if things continue downwards, it may be material for a murder mystery instead!

I think you are on holiday with my family, also I’m from the north and no one could ask me to holiday here it’s awful.

You have cheered me...'mouths Italy' at least you have an amusing teen.😎

Sweet Jesus OP, you poor bugger. Sounds like the fifth circle of hell. The teeth sucking makes me murderous just thinking about it

Advice to get stuck into wine and gin is all very well, but you DO NOT need a hangover at the moment to add to your woes. Seeking refuge in booze is lovely at the time but you may pay for it in silver dollars the next day, so take it steady.

Agreed! She’s my new favourite person! 😂

Holiday cottage in the north, rain, excessive alcohol intake, nightmare relatives, no food, murderous locals. Withnail makes any lousy holiday look good.

And it's very, very funny with more quotable lines than any film I know.

The swearing and drugs will probably prompt your PILs to turn in early. Shame.