AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

I’m usually easygoing on all of this but I can’t believe they knew and thought that was good timing. It was also ridiculous that they expected you to make that journey. they’re all idiots and it’s totally fair your pissed off. I wouldn’t go so far as to say to distance yourself though- they’re just ignorant and idiots and I say move on and enjoy your new arrival. I wouldn’t bother replying to the message. Congratulations and really well done.

Not nice people at all.
however I am stunned that you would drive for two hours (and two hours back) to take a baby to see your family the day after baby was born? That’s madness.

anyway They have been horrid. Enjoy a good rest and have a mate
come over to coo over your beautiful baby.

OP’s earlier thread which might provide more context: www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4565700-so-sick-of-walking-on-eggshells-but-cant-deal-with-the-fall-out-if-i-dont-advice-please?page=1

Thunder stealing arseholes. Sorry but they all sound vile, I would distance myself and just enjoy the baby with the people who do care.

I remember your previous threads.

You know what your family are about, they have shown you multiple times. I’m not sure why you are surprised by what happened at the visit. I’m not.

So, based on that, the only person who is being unreasonable in this situation is you.

There was no need for you to subject your one day old baby to a 4 hour round car journey. None.

The advice on all your threads has been to prioritise your own family. It’s quite clear you are not prepared to do that. So I’m not sure what it is you are expecting from this one.

I can’t believe you took your one day old baby on a 4 hour round car trip. Did you just steamroller your DH to visit your family, because I can’t imagine he would have been okay with this. Really unfair of you, OP.

They sound like a bunch of idiots. I'd not reply and go low contact for a bit. Let your silence do the talking and in a few weeks, if you want to, you can say you were in the baby bubble and focusing on DD. Congratulations.

I remember your other thread. I'm so sorry.

To put the drive in context - my parents are 2.5 hours to me. When I had my DC, they travelled to me and stayed in a hotel. With DD2, my dad was diagnosed with the cancer that would kill him six months later on the morning I was released from hospital and then got in the car and drove to meet his granddaughter. Because that's what grandparents do when they physically can.

What's the dynamic with SIL? Is she fully complicit in the treatment of you or an outsider who might be something of an ally? If the first, I'd just ignore. If the latter, I'd take her message at face value and reply with the suggested message above.

Exactly. And the idea of stopping off somewhere else first is bonkers. A new mum needs her own bed/home comforts.

This op!
congratulations , don’t let this spoil your precious time

I've read your other thread, just go no contact! Block them all on social media, don't answer the door to them if they turn up.
I can't get my head around you trying to change an appointment because your mother called the family to an online meeting about a holiday or driving a 4 hour round trip the day after giving birth.
Does part of you like the drama? It all sounds exhausting.

Look, your family is shit. Everyone has said the same thing on previous threads and recommended you reduce contact. What is you expecting? I would be very concerned if I was your partner.

OP you’ve had an entire thread before this of hundreds of people pointing out your mum is abusive and your siblings are her enablers and advising you to walk away because of how horrendously they treat you. Clearly you haven’t taken any of that on board - but you really should. Please, please get some intense therapy to allow you to break free of this toxic cycle for good. You don’t want to end up unwittingly repeating it with your own family.

Congratulations on your new baby! 💐

I don't want to be harsh but you really need to prioritise your DC above your wider family. Taking a 1 day newborn on a 4 hour round trip is really not fair. I totally understand the difficulties of toxic family dynamics but if the welfare of your own DC isn't enough for you to stand up to them, I don't know what is.

Your family have no 'right' to see your baby, atall. You would not be selfish to say they come to you in a week or 2 once you've recovered from the birth etc - because I have a feeling you think that would be selfish. I had to reread your part a couple of times about 'they didn't get to meet baby until today' as if that was a long time when she was only born yesterday! Please, put yourself and your DC first! Good luck and enjoy your new baby ☺️

Maybe after introducing and making a fuss of the newborn. They did it within 5 minutes of them arriving as soon as they got on the video call. That sister is obviously jealous she wasn't first. She wanted the limelight on her not the new arrival.

Congratulations on your new baby. 🎉

I’m shocked you travelled all that way and didn’t just video call them from your home and visit your mum in a couple of weeks.

They sound self absorbed and no I don’t think it was appropriate to announce their pregnancy at that time.

But people are so wrapped up in themselves they can’t see why people will be anything but happy for them.

Ive seem a marriage proposal after a speech at a wedding. I’ve seen a sister announce her pregnancy at her other sisters baby shower.

Try and put aside all the family stuff and enjoy your new little bundle.

Good advice...

Is it possible that your family have a bit of a golden child/scape goat dynamic going on here. Perhaps DBro is used to being the favourite/pandered to by everyone else but SIL feels a little uncomfortable by what's happened, hence the reaching out/apology?

As per your other thread why do you trasure you mum what does she do for you exactly

and no not your dc you!

Wow. Never do something like that for them again. You and DD shouldn’t have been in the car for that length of time. When you are willing to ignore your needs and that of DD it gives those around you further signals that your needs aren to be ignored. So first thing is for you to start prioritising your needs and your childrens needs and DP too.

what did your DP think of this 4 hour drive? He needs to remind you when you don’t put your needs first.

i think you will find it hard to put your needs first if you are surrounded by people
who don’t (like your family). Distance yourself from these people. Go Very LC while you work on this. Once you’ve established healthy dynamics at home and they’re firmly engrained. You can slowly allow a little contact with those who are not toxic but only if they respect your needs. Keep the toxic ones very limited long term. So sorry your family is like this OP. As an adult though these you don’t have to subject yourself and your DC to it anymore.

They are all awful and you need to let go of the idea that you have any family apart from your dh and your precious baby. I know that must be hard but it’s true. None of those nasty people who only tolerate you in their lives as someone to kick deserve your love and time and constantly running around trying to please them. Your baby however deserves every bit of it, please focus on your real family.

I really can't believe someone would subject such a young baby to a journey like that for such a completely unnecessary trip.

Has the guidance changed so much on the comfort of a baby lying flat and that car journeys for newborns of more than 30 minutes are best avoided if at all possible?

OP, I mean this very kindly but you should be putting the welfare of a tiny baby ahead of these people.

Do you honestly believe it was in your babys best interests to be in a car for that long?

I wouldn't reply to that message.

I would take a break from these people and focus on your baby and it's comfort.

Just reply with "congratulations! We're so pleased for you "... Or something like that. Avoid the rest of it totally. And for me after this I would just ignore them as much as possible and get on with life with your baby. No driving hours to see them. If they want to see the baby they can come to you.

I will be the millionth person saying this. I know it’s often nearly impossible to extract yourself from toxic family relationships BUT this is about your child now, not just you. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for them. Two hours in a car with a jaundiced (or even non-jaundiced!) one year old is not really ok. I imagine it will also put your marriage under strain which is bad for you and your newborn.

Find it very hard to believe that after a difficult pregnancy involving hospital stays etc, you also have a toddler, yet you would make a trip like this? Your husband is ok with it? Sorry but this can’t be legit. If it is and after all the advice on the previous thread, all respondents are wasting their time.

You need to stop appeasing them.

You need to stop these long journeys with a jaundiced new born.

They all sound like wankers to be honest. Literally, they all sound really thick and narcissistic.

This announcement is like a couple getting engaged at someone else's wedding - twats.

This shitty behaviour of your family has been going on a while now. Is it likely to change? If not you will have to protect yourself and your family. Personally, I wouldn't put up with this crap. Don't contact them or visit them. If they ask why, have a prepared list of facts to tell them of their woeful support and behaviour

Find it very hard to believe that after a difficult pregnancy involving hospital stays etc, you also have a toddler, yet you would make a trip like this? Your husband is ok with it? Sorry but this can’t be legit. If it is and after all the advice on the previous thread, all respondents are wasting their time.
of course somebody could do that- you do random crap like that for family, not right or great but I’ve definitely done similar (drove in a blizzard nearly due with young children because a member of the family was sick and we were afraid they wouldn’t make another Christmas)