AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

Congratulations on the birth. That is the most important thing here.

Next - please start to disengage from them all. IF and only if you feel like letting your brother know about your plan and I'd phrase it in a way like "I'm doing this for my mental well being. I've found DM very overwhelming throughout this pregnancy and tied in with that when we were told by her that we couldn't share any of our news with you or anyone else, it was very very stressful so we're just going to look after ourselves for a while" and then go grey rock. Silent even. Don't reply to messages straightaway. Take your time. Give yourselves time. If your mother says "Jump" you do not have to reply straightaway with "How high?". You can ignore ignore ignore.

If she gets other relatives to make contact with you, they will be her flying monkeys, there to do her bidding but you'll be aware of that so you'll have mechanisms to cope with that ready for yourselves.

Best of luck to you and your lovely new family!

Oh @DWofMN - how many threads have you had now where you say ‘is this normal’ and everyone responds ‘no’?! Please please just distance yourself. Start living your own life - they bring nothing to it so leave them behind. Enjoy the lovely family you have created with your dh and for their sakes move forward!!!

I agree with most of the above. What made you think it was acceptable to put your own and your newborn baby's life at risk to placate your extended family. You have been given so much good advice both here and your other thread and yet you choose to ignore.

You have to start putting your own immediate family first until then you will just be returning here with the same old same old. Seems you are prepared to allow them to continue abusing you with that now transferring to your vulnerable baby. If you won't break the cycle for yourself do it for your baby.

OP you have just given birth so I am going to be sensitive here. You should not have driven your newborn what so ever newborns should be in a car seat for 30 mins tol they are a month old. Whilst not always practical for necessary things like getting to the hospital etc driving to see your toxic family is not urgent or necessary.

Stop trying to seek their acceptance or approval you are never going to please to get it. Focus on your baby and your family unit.

I don't have any kids and even I'm horrified by the notion of somebody who has LITERALLY JUST GIVEN BIRTH travelling for two hours to anywhere that isn't their own home with a brand-new baby.

OP specifically says she stopped several times to get the baby out of the car seat.

She shouldn't have been pressured to do the drive, but guilting a newly postpartum woman isn't a nice thing to do. The baby is fine, OP and her relationship with her family are not.

OP, I've read your other thread. Your mother is awful. I'm so sorry.

congratulations on your new baby and sorry you’re having such a hard time. They sound like a bunch of arseholes. You shouldn’t be driving 2 hours from the hospital to go to your Mum’s house. You should be hunkering down at home and resting with your baby.

Personally, I wouldn’t send a nasty reply to SIL though. It will give them all ammunition to say you’re being out of order. Completely unfair I know but I’d try and rise above and focus your efforts elsewhere. I think a short “no problem! Really pleased for you both!” Would do the job.

Woukd it be worth explaining to your parents that you feel hurt and why? what are your in laws like? Perhaps best to focus your attention there.

OP, from your previous thread I have a vague recollection that your TTC BIL and SIL weren't actually the ones who banned pregnancy talk. I think that was your mother and other sister.I f that's correct, then is it possible that your mother has been controlling the narrative on both sides, telling your BIL and SIL that they couldn't announce their pregnancy until your baby was here?

I've re-read and see that your mother didn't know, but your sister did. Same question about your sister, in that case.

Congrats, emotions run high when just had a baby. Give it time and maybe just have grandparents round to celebrate baby.

Yep that’s a shitty thing for them to do. I would tell them it was shitty personally.

congratulations on your new baby.
Make baby your priority now, not your other so called family.

I can't believe they were happy for you to drive all that way with a tiny 1 day old.

You and baby are not their priority... they're made this clear.

Your 'mother' is filth
She won't be happy unless you die a miserable death
Do yourself a favour and never see these people again
Never speak to them again
One word texts - fade out
Your husband sounds just as pathetic as you - where was his sense? Driving 2 hours for shit with a new born baby!!

You will be happier once you grieve the death of these people
Because to you they should be dead

To them you are some lowlife they tolerate

You're not lowlife
You deserve better

Hopefully, your in-laws are decent

Sounds like they planned to make the announcement, not "just a coincidence" it was on your very important day... and then having to take baby back for an additional health check because of jaundice. The fact that they even said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit” rubs it in - they clearly knew what they were doing. I'd be tempted to say "did you? I didn't notice"... and then simply don't respond. How dare your family not support you, but give attention to others in this way!

It's all very well saying they knew all the family would be there; they could have waited until later to make the announcement, not make it all about them right from the beginning.

I think @CoraPirbright assesses the situation perfectly.

Stop pandering to them and being upset when they treat you like you're way down the pecking order. Look after yourself and do what works for you and your new baby. You deserve better but don't expect anything from those lot.

Put your phone away and sleep on it (if you get any sleep with a newborn) until tomorrow before you reply.

I am not one for all this thunder stealing nonsense, if someone tells others about their pregnancy/engagement at a wedding when seeing extended family I don't see any problem with that as long as it is not during the vows or speeches!

But this is beyond that, they plotted and manipulated you to take your thunder and piss all over it. If they had done it when you had been there a couple of hours and your DM had had a chance to coo over the newborn and ask how you were, I would say get over it, to arrange to be on video when you arrive and announce it then was either very misguided or calculated. You know them, we don't, - are they thick as shit over excited and unaware or just nasty?

I read your previous threads and this is just the tip of the iceberg. I would be going very low contact if I was you, and not because of this.

Are you really surprised when they were previously expecting you to go on a family holiday abroad with a newborn even though not born yet. You were banned from discussing your high risk pregnancy and your family didn't care you were hospitalised. You were made to feel unreasonable and had pressure put on you by all your family and were going to go NC. I think this once again shows you that you and your DC are not a priority. Your BIL is golden child and I think you need to drop the rope and step away from them all.

OP that sucks.

as others have said I wouldn’t reply just yet. You have been through so much in the last few days and your body and mind need time.

I wouldn’t be making any contact with them for the foreseeable. Let them do the running about, phoning and visiting. Get your arse on the couch and cuddle your beautiful DC and enjoy the time with your Dah.

Don’t reply to SIL.
Dont travel to see them again.
Dont do what they tell you to do.
Set and enforce boundaries now or you are setting your daughter up for a lifetime of third best. Fuck that.

The guidelines and safety recommendations from car seat manufacturers is no more then 2 hours in 24 hrs and for newborns even less regardless of stopping.
A 1 day old newborn shouldn't have done a unnecessary 4 hour journey regardless of stops

That's completely unacceptable in my book. I also think making you drive 2 hours when you've got a newborn baby is totally wrong!

So DB and SIL live in another country?

Why on earth did you have to be silenced?

As long as you are phoning/emailing them to bitch then how on earth would they even know?

I dont get any of this but yes the meeting of a baby is not the time for an announcement.

I think yous are all being a bit precious.
you should have shot it down when they said you couldn't talk about your pregnancy.
and driving for 2 hours after just giving birth nahhh fuck that!if they were decent human beings they would have insisted that they came to you.
while yes they were meeting your baby for the first time, just because it's a really important event to you doesn't mean it trumps others news/life events.

I’d be more annoyed that they didn’t come and see you and made you travel all that way?? Sound like dicks to be honest.