AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

Your entire family are knobs. What mental behaviour. And they should have driven to see you.

I'd be distancing myself very far from then.

This is sensible advice

You are being unreasonable to even think about driving two hours with a new baby. You must be mad.

I wouldn't reply , it's time to take a huge back step from your family.
Should SIL send a follow up text simply say " oh I forgot to reply bit busy with the new baby , hope her pregnancy goes well "
I think should you reply how upset it made you and something happened to her pregnancy you would be blamed for stressing her .
But it's now time to step away from your family and concentrate on your own .

Congratulations on your newborn, OP. I wouldn't reply. I'm sorry that you made such an effort for the family meeting and the others didn't appreciate it. The time will come for visiting but now is the time for you to be resting and enjoying getting to know your baby - put yourselves first.

My sister did something similar the day my dad and his side of the family met my first baby. My dad hated her husband (which my sister knew) so he was not happy and left our get together early. Really soured the occasion. It doesn’t keep me awake at night and it’s not the end of the world or anything, but it still annoys me that my sister and her bawbag of a husband did that.

As others have said - you've had a lot of advice on previous threads OP

they are not going to change - I've had similar in my family (parents only, not siblings) and when I finally "got it" that they didn't care about me or my siblings and never would, I went very low contact. Just didn't bother contacting them, we speak every now and then - my life is a lot more peaceful now.

I'm so sorry you have sucha selfish family OP. My jaw dropped at the two hour drive to your parents house to be honest. No one should expect that. What self-absorbed little people.

As for Dbro and Dsil, I would avoid them as much as possible and certainly wouldn't be involved in any baby talk. Arseholes.

You drove 2 hours after giving birth to somewhere other than your own home? I wouldn't have done it, and my parents certainly wouldn't have expected it. They'd have come to visit us at home, at a time that suited me. I certainly wouldn't want to be hanging out with all my siblings and their respective partners the minute I left hospital with a newborn.

Congratulations on your new baby!
I wouldn’t reply SIL at least now when you are upset (and you are right to be upset as your family are very disrespectful towards you) Was she the one who told the news or your DB?
By the way we were TTC and it’s really difficult journey but we still behaved normally and shared the joy of pregnancies and newborn babies with our friends and relatives.

Your whole family sound horrendous ... but what on earth made you drive two hours to introduce your baby to the family less than 24 hours after you had given birth? Surely you just wanted to get back to the comfort of your own home? You really need stronger boundaries around your family. Put yourself, your DH and your baby first and just don't pander to their wishes.

You must really have lost your reason when you agreed for yourself and jaundiced newborn baby to four hours in a car, the day after you gave birth.

For your baby's sake, grow a backbone and stop letting those idiots run your life.

I am genuinely horrified that you put yourself and your baby through that unnecessary journey.

I remember your previous thread and have been thinking about you and wondering how you were. Delighted to hear your little girl arrived safely and that you have both gone home.. I think you have a little boy as well? Enjoy your children, and let your husband help you all settle in together. You are right: you didn't have family support in your difficult pregnancy. But you are No 1 Mum in your own home. Don't forget. Warmest best wishes.

I've read your other threads and now is the time you really have to change this dynamic or it will keep going.
I know, DS1 was born on 23rd Dec, we got out on Xmas day and went straight to my parents (an hour away) for Xmas dinner, and stayed the night, because we were expected to. I wouldn't do that now!
You have your own wee family now. Please prioritise them. Ignore all the other bullshit.
Don't answer SIL's text!

The announcement alone isn’t terrible (although personally I wouldn’t announce a pregnancy when everyone is meeting newborn for the first time) but the double-standards are shocking

No, in the previous threads the DB and SIL are aware of OP's pregnancy but have been instructed by MIL not to talk about it.

SIL mentioned stealing your thunder because she KNOWS she did.

Can't believe they made you do that journey instead of coming to you.

They all sound awful, concentrate on your own family.

And congratulations on the birth of your DD!

I've read your other thread and it's clear that your family are awful. They put your needs behind everyone else's wants, and don't care about the impact on you.

But now you're allowing them to continue this with your baby. You all put adult's wants above your tiny, poorly newborn's needs. If you can't disengage with them for your own sake, you need to do it for your child's sake.

I remember your thread where your narcissistic DM's behaviour came to light. I was furious on your behalf.

I know it may seem as though your DM might have been trying to be sensitive to avoid hurting your SIL re talking about your pregnancy but it seemed like she really wasn't happy you were happy with your life. Perhaps your DB and SIL didn't know about the ban on talking about your pregnancy but I'd seriously distance myself from your family as a whole. At worst, they are all pretty toxic in their own ways and at best, it seems they willingly dance to your DM's tune. I wouldn't be surprised if it was suggested to them that was a good time for them to bring it up then.

How have you been getting on reading the books that were recommended to you on that previous thread @DWofMN?

Go home and cuddle your new baby. Let them get on with it. Newborn snuggles are amazing!

I think their behaviour is bizarre.

reply:

"Why apologise now? You clearly planned to share the news immediately that we were all on the call, regardless of the fact that I had driven two hours with a newborn baby in the hope of celebrating her birth with you all. Congratulations on your long awaited pregnancy, I truly hope it goes well and that your new baby is given a better welcome than ours was yesterday. Sorry if I sound bitter, it's because I am.".

OP,
Your family are awful.

Hard to believe you would have a newborn in a car seat for two hours to see such dreadful people.