AIBU to think you don’t announce a pregnancy like this?

[DWofMN]

I posted before about issues with my family. One of the things I mentioned that I was struggling with is that I was having a high-risk pregnancy with complications and I was very unwell with HG and hospitalised multiple times. My DBro and SIL are TTC so I was told that I wasn’t allowed to talk about my pregnancy in order to be sensitive to that. This was to the extent that, when I first told DSis that I’m pregnant, she replied “oh no! Have you told DBro and SIL?” and the rest of the conversation was about how I had to tell them and be sensitive etc. As a result, I struggled a lot with not feeling like I had any family support. I’ve just been induced and baby arrived yesterday. The ward didn’t allow visitors other than birth partners so my family couldn’t meet the baby until today.

We arranged to meet at my mum’s house (even though that’s a two hour drive from where I live and from the hospital - and obviously took longer having to stop multiple times to get DD out of her seat). DBro and SIL live abroad so we agreed to video call them as soon as we arrived. When we arrived, it was DM, DDad, DSis, BIL, one of my DBros and my DBro’s new girlfriend (who I’ve never met before). Immediately, we video called my other DBro and SIL. They flashed up an ultrasound picture to announce that they’re expecting a baby - this was all within five minutes of us arriving and my family meeting DD for the first time.

It then emerges that DSis, BIL, DBro and the GF have all known for weeks and all decided this was the perfect time to announce the pregnancy to DM. So, I was told that I’m not allowed to talk about my pregnancy at all in order to be sensitive to people who are also pregnant (and I’m being told I’m being insensitive by people who know that they’re already pregnant).

So, the entire visit was then spent talking about DBro and SIL (their due date, boy or girl, name ideas, double-barrel or not, visiting the country they live in, etc).

I fully understand that they were TTC for a long time and how hard that is. DH and I were trying to grow our family for over 18 months before we got pregnant (during which time DN was conceived and born, but there was no ban on pregnancy talk for DSis). AIBU to think that the highlight of my family meeting DD for the first time should have actually been them meeting DD?

We had to leave to get back to the hospital because DD was slightly jaundiced and needed another check. SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)? Or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

I will tell them all exactly what you have said here and tell them that you don’t wish to keep in contact with them for the way they have mistreated you and then block the whole lot of them

I'd just ignore the message to be honest...Silence speaks volumes, least said soonest mended if another message comes through a "sorry been a bit busy but no worries" would be all she'd get from me.
On another note did you suggest that you'd drive over to your parent's house?
No I know thousands of women have babies etc...but you should have been at home resting.
As said by previous Posters distance yourself and if family want to see baby they had their chance so from now on it's your decision as to when and where.
Enjoy time with your own little family unit over the coming months.
💐💐

IMO it's not a competition and there's no thunder to be stolen 🤷🏻‍♀️ be happy for yourself and your little family, and be happy for your brother and sister in law on their pregnancy.

Why respond to that message with anything other than you're delighted for them?

Take the high road on this one. Just reply along the lines of, delighted to hear your news, congratulations. Then distance yourself, not just from them but from the whole family. Driving two hours to accommodate them is nuts with a newborn, stay home, look after yourselves and let them come to you if they want to. Enjoy your little one, she’s the most important thing here.

I cannot believe that you drove 4 hours with a one day old baby to visit them, that’s completely ridiculous and they never should have allowed it, but really you shouldn’t have agreed to such a journey for at least a few weeks. From now on they come to you. If you want to see them again. After what they did I’d go LC. Very very cruel of them.

This would piss me off so much! I'd genuinely be distancing myself. They've clearly chosen favourites and I'd be interested to see if it continues when the new baby is here and whether your poor little girl will get a look in!

I am petty. But I would leave it a month say you are trying to conceive baby number 2 but it’s a sensitive subject so no Pregnancy talk at all!

YANBU!!!

Hahah!!

YES!

Why on earth would you travel 4 hr round trip with a newborn to family? Just nest down at your own home and focus on yourselves. Let them do running if they're interested. I'm sure you'll soon be way too busy with your own baby to care about them.

I think I have read your other thread and you are clearly not listening. You are bringing this upon yourself. This situation is so toxic and you are desperate for their approval and acknowledgement. I can't imagine anyone taking a day old baby on a 2hour trip to meet the family!! It's the other way around if anything. I think you need counselling.

Your family are a bunch of dicks, silencing you whilst they knew your sis inlaw was pregnant.

I never understood the original thread where this pregnancy was a state secret to not upset others, the more I read about such clingy families the more glad I am that we were abroad, once we'd told people I was pregnant the next they heard was she'd arrived! Stop allowing others to dictate to you and make your own decisions.

Don’t reply, silence is the best tactic here.

You were advised to go lc on your last thread is there a reason you cant do that

noone i know drives 4 hours to see family a day after giving birth whilst the baby is also not very well why in gods earth did you think this was appropriate

they dont give a shit bluntly so why should you

I'd have to respond to say I qas hurt, or at least take it up with brother. You've spent long enough being sensitive and silenced but when do your needs get brought into the equation?

I would answer her.

"Yes I'm pretty hurt and feel overlooked."

Then don't be dragged into justifying why you're upset. They have been awful to you.

What the actual fuck.
I read your other threads, this is the next level.
No your not being unreasonable, I think you need to grow a fucking back bone. Carting a new born in the car for two hours, there and then back. For that. And they knew before hand. Seriously?!?!

group message on the WhatsApp. Explain exactly how fucking horrendous it’s been for you. Explain how so unsupportive how everyone has been. Explain how hurtful and inappropriate it was to announce a pregnant when you were introducing your daughter. Explain this is not hormones and you will not willfully have your daughter in the middle of this. And also link all the threads where everyone has told you how harmful this is for YOU and your poor husband and now a new baby.

I would be having a long hard think about how it might feel for your new baby to be on the end of this, toxic and quite honestly batshit dynamic. You seemed to have resigned yourself to that, don’t make your new baby suffer.

Please enjoy and celebrate every second of your little one, congratulations!

Say nothing, it says more!
I echo PP.... don't bend over backwards to accommodate them, stay home and enjoy your new bundle.

Massive congratulations btw

It does sound like it's you that has the problem here,OP. You are obviously so desperate for their attention that you are putting a 1 day old baby through a completely unnecessary 4 hour round trip. They are supposed to be in a car seat for 30 minutes max at that age as it restricts their breathing and can increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. That first day of life should have been for spending time feeding and cuddling mum not strapped into a car seat.
It's not your baby's thunder that was stolen, because she doesn't know or care. It's yours. You were being selfish and trying to use a poorly newborn baby to get attention for yourself. Their behaviour with the birth announcement is poor as well. The situation sounds toxic. Maybe have a think about the effect it's having on you and put some boundaries in place.

I can't get over any family who would make a post-partum, fresh out of hospital mother and a one-day-old baby do a 4 hour plus round trip.

And then it turns out that they've withdrawn support for you during your pregnancy in order to be sensitive to a couple who already knew they were pregnant.

Don't think I'd be able to say anything civil in response to SIL's message so would ignore- anything you say would doubtless be shared among the rest of them to reinforce how unreasonable you are.

You're clearly family scapegoat. All you can do is distance yourself from the toxicity, and protect your baby. Don't even think about doing that car journey for a very long time.

SIL messaged me shortly afterwards and said “sorry if we stole your thunder a bit”. WIBU to reply that they did steal DD’s thunder (I hate that phrase) and that I am hurt by the decision to announce the pregnancy then of all times (especially when I had been silenced about my pregnancy for so long)?

I would either not reply at all, or reply with 'haha, as if, I'm so besotted, I barely noticed.'
Start putting yourself and your baby first. No way would I have driven that distance. Stay home and enjoy your new arrival.

And congrats!

Gosh. 2 hours with a newborn!!!!!!

Op, your family sound horrid. Please focus on your partner and children and distance yourself.

More to the point they expected you to travel two hours fresh out of hospital with your newborn. It should be them coming to visit you. I would be well and truly p*ed.

Is your child the first grandchild in the family? That's likely why they've done it. They're jealous you were first.

I have voted YABU as I really hate all the competitiveness asking having babies. You had had your baby and they had been struggling. It is possible for a family to excitedly meet a new family member AND be excited that another couple is pregnant. The family all being together was a great opportunity to tell everyone at once. I got married in my 30's and had 3 babies in close succession. One of my sister in law's told me off for the third pregnancy because it was not my turn apparently!!! Really?? It is all crazy. Just be thankful for your bundle of joy and happy for them too.