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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Set 18years old a curfew

161 replies

oregan49 · 23/07/2022 22:46

My 18yr old comes and goes as they please etc but I ask that they are home by 10 at night. I have to get up at 5.30 for work so I need sleep. I don't want to be worrying if they aren't back or if the house isn't locked up, plus it disturbs everyone when they come in.

They have been late several times and tonight I caught them out on a lie they tried to use to excuse them being late. I've now said from now on I want them back by 9.30. Obviously this hasn't gone down well but my sleep is more important than their night out. My house my rules, they should respect me, they are free to go live elsewhere. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lemons1571 · 24/07/2022 07:54

My mother went as far as saying I would have to leave work conferences early to get home by 10.30pm so she could set the burglar alarm and go to bed without worrying. Her exact words “I’m sure your boss will understand that you need to leave at 9pm so your mum is able to sleep without worrying. If they don’t understand that they’re not very nice are they”.

Thisismynamenow · 24/07/2022 07:57

Thats ridiculous, I had a 9.30pm curfew at 11.

At 18, so long as I text my mom to let her know IF I was coming home or stopping out (so she wouldn't worry if I wasn't there in the AM) I could come and go as I pleased.

Driftingonawave · 24/07/2022 07:57

Oh god I'm having flashbacks!
My parents did this. They had no trust in me despite me being probably the most sensible teenager I knew!
Do you want to know what happened? I met a boy - had to keep it a secret because they'd not allow that. Then, a few months later, I secretly moved out while they were out one afternoon and went no contact. Wrecked our relationship for years.

You need to let them be an adult unless you don't want a decent relationship going forward.

luckylavender · 24/07/2022 08:11

You're never going to win this one.

Tiani4 · 24/07/2022 08:22

You can't give an 18 year old a curfew, (not after they've finished school / A levels)

What you can say is that you have to get up early so if they are coming back after 11pm to please be very quiet, and give some rules about that for eg. no brining friends round to chat after 11.30pm on a weekend at night and no using kitchen after 11pm, as you work and it's disturbing you.

If they can't come in quietly then you have a right to say the door is being locked from inside at 11.30pm but I wouldn't do that if I were you as your DC might make bad decisions then about where he stays overnight

It won't be forever and you can buy some ear plugs

You have got to stop staying awake waiting for them to come home.

I don't get your thinking that your 18 yo obeys you and has an early night at 10pm every night (whaaaaat?? Usually they are just going out at 9pm!) Or they have to live elsewhere ! (When you know they can't afford it)

You'll push your child away if you do that. It's not a sensible hill to die on

BigSandyBalls2015 · 24/07/2022 08:23

No curfew at that age, good grief! I did always ask them to let me know if they weren’t coming home, staying at friends. I really didn’t like getting up in the morning and seeing an empty bedroom and no text.

Memyselfandfood · 24/07/2022 08:27

these are YOUR anxieties, so YOU need to manage them, not your child.
they are an adult, they do not have a curfew.
they should be quiet when they come in, but you need to work out your own issues.
after this, it will be something else.

Carpy88999 · 24/07/2022 08:31

Absolutely pathetic parenting. You not being able to sleep when they're out is your problem.

Tiani4 · 24/07/2022 08:33

How I get some sleep from not worrying anymore (- as I have two young adult teens)

Invite my DDs boyfriend over, he stays

Been encouraging her to bring her friends round, have a few pizzas (sometimes drinks) at my house / watch a film/ hang out in the garden or I give up my lounge for them- (not every night but now and then)- so I know who the Designated drivers are, who catches bus with her, can trust her friends to see her safely home and she texts me when she's planning to stay over and whose house.

Sometimes a few stay over here as they couldn't get home safely. The other parents do the same.

I've been doing same with my son (who's 19) for a while. I'm the mum who will pick them up at 3am as they are stuck somewhere (again rare) It means I can sleep soundly as I know they will contact me if in trouble.

I get up at 5.30am too

Anyone that has me out at early o clock to collect, know they will be expected to do extra chores later to say thanks (I don't say what. Usually they offer)

Tiani4 · 24/07/2022 08:36

Sorry in my original message
no brining friends round to chat after 11.30pm on a weekend at night
Was meant to say
no bringing friends round to chat after 11.30pm on a workday night

PlinkPlonkFizz · 24/07/2022 08:40

This could put your 18 year old at risk. My "D"F did this to me (12 midnight) and what happened was I had to walk home alone up dark roads and leave friends in the pub who weren't finished. If I was even 5 minutes late he'd get abusive the next day, even if it was because I'd been waiting on an occasional lift from my BFs kind Dad.

diamondpony80 · 24/07/2022 09:00

That’s ridiculous for an 18 year old. DS normally comes in between 1.30 and 2.30 am on a night out. There isn’t a curfew though so he could come in later if he wanted. He comes in quietly, locks the door, gets something to eat and then goes to his room. He texts when he gets in so that if I wake up I can just check my phone and know that he’s in the house. I rarely hear him come in although I just about heard him close his bedroom door this morning. And I get up at 5am most mornings for work.

Benjispruce4 · 24/07/2022 09:09

Bit early op. I have 18&21 in the house and have no curfew. They have a key and know to be quiet. They’re not out every night though and I do ask that they tell me if they’re not coming home so I can lock up.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 24/07/2022 09:19

Sorry 10pm as an adult? Piss off OP that's insane.

TheNoonBell · 24/07/2022 09:21

My parents would bolt the door at 11pm. If I came home after that it was time to climb over the garden wall and try to sleep in the shed. Door would be unbolted when they got up.

Amazingly I quickly learnt to be home by 11pm most of the time (or just stay at a friends). I did also buy a sleeping bag and camp bed for the shed just in case but it didn't get used much.

LetsGoRound · 24/07/2022 09:23

A curfew for an 18 year old???
Mine have a door key to come and go as they please, as I did at that age.
They're adults, not kids.
You sound controlling and needy.
Don't be surprised when your kids decide to give you the fuck you message and go out of the door permanently.

henryhoover3 · 24/07/2022 11:30

@steamorange I'm pleased to tell you that my other two daughters did they same they are both now happily married with their own babies. We are still close and have a lovely relationship. Please be kind to the OP x

steamorange · 24/07/2022 11:43

henryhoover3 · 24/07/2022 11:30

@steamorange I'm pleased to tell you that my other two daughters did they same they are both now happily married with their own babies. We are still close and have a lovely relationship. Please be kind to the OP x

I'm not commenting on your children's success. I'm meaning it's not their job to manage your anxiety - I am also happily married but that doesn't mean I am not anxious and hyper vigilant because my family would consistently pull me up on my whereabouts and allow me no privacy when I was younger so now I feel guilty day in and day out if I don't overshare and explain myself.

My comments were directed at you, not OP.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 24/07/2022 11:51

How ridiculous to give an adult a curfew. He's a young adult, you had your time being young and going out, allow him the same respect. Your sleep is not more important than his night out, the same as how you are not more important than him.

RockinHorseShit · 24/07/2022 12:00

We have a 19yo & I totally get you in the disturbance on getting in & the worry, but the worry is your issue, not your DDs & you need to put rules in place about respecting the household when she gets in. A curfew at 18 is not the way to go, unless you want them to see you as a control freak & distance themselves from yiu at the first opportunity

DD is now quite capable of locking up the house when she gets in & creeping in quietly. That responsibility has also meant she was seen as able to open up & lock up the pub where she works part time, earning her extra money.

Don't babyfy them. Let them grow up & learn & yiu learn to let go a bit & relax. They are adults

GooglyEyeballs · 24/07/2022 12:21

Do you set them a bed time too 🙄

Crazycrazylady · 24/07/2022 20:56

Ah hear now. That's bonkers. I know you worry but 10pm is ridiculous. You'll really damage your relationship if you carry on like this a

Feelfreetocallme · 24/07/2022 22:05

Terrible. Your house is their home too. Don’t be surprised when they want nothing to do with you once they are moved out!

Feelfreetocallme · 24/07/2022 22:09

TheNoonBell · 24/07/2022 09:21

My parents would bolt the door at 11pm. If I came home after that it was time to climb over the garden wall and try to sleep in the shed. Door would be unbolted when they got up.

Amazingly I quickly learnt to be home by 11pm most of the time (or just stay at a friends). I did also buy a sleeping bag and camp bed for the shed just in case but it didn't get used much.

wtf.. I wouldn’t allow my child to sleep in the shed ffs. That’s awful.

lanthanum · 24/07/2022 22:21

10pm seems ridiculous for an 18 year old. Is that every night, or do you allow later at weekends? Plenty of activities even for younger teens don't finish until after 9.30, and if they're at the pub it would be embarrassing to have to leave that early. "Sorry, we'll have to do an earlier showing at the cinema, I'm not allowed out that late..." - is that reasonable?!

I understand the problem of you needing sleep, but I think you have to find another solution - them being quieter coming in, maybe sleeping downstairs, if necessary seeing if they can sleep over at a friend's (particularly if it's midweek), earplugs.

If you continue with a 10pm curfew, you might find they opt for the staying-with-a-friend option, with or without telling you in advance.

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