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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
FastFood · 26/07/2022 15:44

I feel you OP, I'm not British but live here and I feel also very defensive about this country AND my own.

But you have to imagine that she left home in a rush most likely, against her will and she misses it. It's a way for her to keep that bond with her country, something we all feel, you do too when you feel "attacked" by her critics and it's totally normal.

She's homesick, and that homesickness is multiplied to extreme length by the fact her country is under attack.
Don't take it personally, what you're doing is great, and England is not shit, it's not perfect but it's really not shit.

Also, let's be honest: food in Ukraine isn't great at all. Very yellow and beige.

LurpakAspirations · 26/07/2022 15:45

In reality we are all just used to what we were raised with. That is our comfort zone. There is good and bad points to every nation

We also tend to take what we have for granted which is why it's so surprising when it doesn't work the same way in another country.

woodhill · 26/07/2022 16:02

swallowedAfly · 26/07/2022 14:49

Plus the tories withdrew nhs bursaries making nursing a particularly poor choice economically. I imagine you're too busy to work when training as a nurse what with placements on shift patterns and having to travel to them on top of time in university and the pay at the end of it is not great. 27k debt in fees alone plus all of your accommodation and living costs for 3 years seems a lot given what you will actually make at the end of your investment.

Yes it's awful especially when they are doing unpaid work on placements and long days.

Stupid decision

Dotjones · 26/07/2022 16:08

YANBU, I hate it when people come to our country and slate it. If you don't like it here, go somewhere better. I could pick any country in the world and find things at fault with it, but I don't (other than Scotland of course) because it's rude.

User952539 · 26/07/2022 17:02

My understanding is that the heating in Ukraine (or certainly the area my guest is from) is put on by the state when the weather gets cold and then it’s on until they turn it off. If you’re hot you open a window. It’s cheap and warm.
My guests have also been shocked at the ost of days out. They wanted to go to Legoland and couldn’t believe the cost for the day out with transport from the north. I think they initially thought I was just trying to dissuade them. Likewise the spa days and beauty treatments which they get very cheaply in Ukraine and so it’s common to have them.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 26/07/2022 20:34

Haha spa days.
Dp had her family over from her home country. They seemed quite perplexed that there were no public spa's. They didn't believe me and spent the next 2 hrs calling every spa in Yorkshire.😂😂

DuesToTheDirt · 26/07/2022 21:30

My understanding is that the heating in Ukraine (or certainly the area my guest is from) is put on by the state when the weather gets cold and then it’s on until they turn it off. If you’re hot you open a window. It’s cheap and warm.

If this is true it's environmentally terrible.

Helendee · 26/07/2022 21:38

I would invite her to leave my home personally.
I have zero tolerance of unnecessary rudeness.

Sellie555 · 26/07/2022 22:08

@Helendee then I hope you don’t have a urkainain family staying with you as it’s clearly not a simple case of rudeness - it’s a mix of trauma, distress and a cultural difference, following them losing their entire sense of normal, having left everything behind (including husbands etc)

user1484264563 · 26/07/2022 22:27

Think she may be exaggerating OP, if you Google 'health care in Ukraine' a very different picture is given. Underfunded, corrupt, families having to pay and assist in care of relative. They have tried to make reforms a few yrs back but don't think it's the nirvana as being painted.

Antigonads · 26/07/2022 22:40

And their treatment of the disabled 😱

Helendee · 26/07/2022 22:50

@Sellie555

No I don’t but if I did I would be telling them not to criticise everything if they wished to remain with me.
No one denies the trauma they have survived but that doesn’t excuse rude behaviour, neither does cultural differences… when in Rome and so on.

dianthus101 · 27/07/2022 00:24

DuesToTheDirt · 26/07/2022 21:30

My understanding is that the heating in Ukraine (or certainly the area my guest is from) is put on by the state when the weather gets cold and then it’s on until they turn it off. If you’re hot you open a window. It’s cheap and warm.

If this is true it's environmentally terrible.

I think that district heating is much more environmentally friendly actually.

Arenanewbie · 27/07/2022 01:15

My understanding is that the heating in Ukraine (or certainly the area my guest is from) is put on by the state when the weather gets cold and then it’s on until they turn it off. If you’re hot you open a window. It’s cheap and warm.

yes, it is true. People live mostly in blocks of flats which all receive heating centrally. They don’t have boilers in each flat so they can’t control their heating at all. They can use electric heaters additionally if they want, they just would pay for the electricity more. So if you are lucky and have good radiators and good supply the only way to cool is to open your windows. It doesn’t affect your bill in the slightest because your bill depends on the size of your flat.
We had DH’s colleague staying once with us in a guest bedroom which was quite cold so we gave her an electric heater. She had it on 24 C and was sitting in a short silk pjs ( I came in couple of times to discuss plans for the next day that’s how I knew) I thought I would have heart attack so hot it was.
it’s just a habit. People only change it when they learn through money, environmental arguments won’t work.

dianthus101 · 27/07/2022 08:15

The heating systems sounds good! energysavingtrust.org.uk/service/district-heating/

GrowlingManchego · 27/07/2022 08:33

You have done a lovely thing in taking them in and you need to let it go. They are traumatized.

BongoJim · 27/07/2022 08:41

She seems to have an odd idea of medical emergencies. They must think she's a bit of a time waster.

SpaceGoatFarm · 27/07/2022 12:00

When they built the Khrushchyovka flats in the USSR they were heated centrally so heating was a communal (or communist) system. Before this they had amazing individual concrete stove systems in their houses, these ran from a central oven and had channels all through the house for heating (although these are more rare in the generally warmer ukraine). One channel would have a bed built on it for the winter. Since these were wood fed heating costs generally wasnt a problem in the countryside, although in ths city at times they had the death penalty if you were caught with stolen wood. These houses were also made of wood so very prone to suddenly bursting into flames.

Anyway I got a bit carried away there but Chekhov and old imperial russia is one of my tedious subjects of interests. Check out the house stoves if you like that sort of engineering though, some of them are ingenious.

SpaceGoatFarm · 27/07/2022 12:05

Labour sorts out our health care system then the Tories or new labour spend a few years dismantling it, the cycle continues. It's quite simple really, a system based around money making isnt centred on healthcare or investing money into good health

SpaceGoatFarm · 27/07/2022 12:09

Theres a real culture of banyas in ukraine and Russia-saunas attached to their homes and dachas and spa facilities, so it's not really fair to compare that to britain. They wouldn't be able to charge much for it back in ukraine because so many people have their own setups.

fakenamefornow · 27/07/2022 16:32

DuesToTheDirt · 26/07/2022 21:30

My understanding is that the heating in Ukraine (or certainly the area my guest is from) is put on by the state when the weather gets cold and then it’s on until they turn it off. If you’re hot you open a window. It’s cheap and warm.

If this is true it's environmentally terrible.

I lived in America for a long time when I was younger, they also had centrally controlled heating for the whole apartment buildings. In winter it was usually boiling inside and the only way to cool it down was to open windows. Heating was included in the rent.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/07/2022 17:38

English food is bobbins though.

We're not bad cakes though.

Really glad I came back to this thread just to learn the word “bobbins” can be used on this context 😂

No idea about the rest. They just sound like the French au pairs we used to have re both the health care (everything in UK is wrong) and re wanting it baking indoors. Things are different in different countries 🤷🏻‍♀️

My aunt has a Ukrainian guest but she mainly cooks Italian food which goes down well.

EmotionalRetrievalCoach · 28/07/2022 07:25

As someone who has fled the UK 30 years ago, I know what it feels like to lose everything. People who have lost everything they value may well compare what they have to what they had, it´s normal, especially if they are feeling so unhappy about their situation.
She is going through, as is her child, a grieving process of loss values and needs time to heal. If she is emotionally resilient then she will be able to bounce back but it will still take time. A loss through bereavement of a person takes around 2 years and that isn´t an exact time. Some people need longer and some less. I remember needing 15 years to get over what happened to me and that was because I experienced childhood trauma that was never really addressed. Unhappiness oozed out of me and yes, it affected others if they allowed themselves to be affected by it.

Let´s all have some compassion for people, which I feel you have. I would ask yourself, and this is a grieving process question I use when helping people, what is it that you´re losing which you value in this situation? By finding out and naming what our hidden losses are, we can come to terms more easily with the upheaval in our lives too. Even when we are helping people, we too are experiencing loss of things we value.

If I were you, however, sharing in public might not be so nice for the family in question, should she stay in England and one day discover the post. What would be better is to talk to a trusted friend and confide in them only if you know that they will keep your confidentiality. Modern society puts so much pressure on us to hang out our dirty washing, and we might feel shame and guilt by doing what we do.

Sending you support from afar.

Coffeecabana · 28/07/2022 09:06

I think it is a shock for us to believe that other countries have a better healthcare system than here. We are constantly fed lies about the U.K. has best health service in the world. Most European countries have much better facilities than us, even so called third world countries. More modern, cleaner, quicker treatment & consultations, they are quicker at implementing new treatments. Your guest probably expected things to be much more developed here than her country and has had a bit of a shock. Plus she is homesick. I think your guest is right and you should take it on board. I guess she could have kept her thoughts to herself, but nevertheless she is right.

Coffeecabana · 28/07/2022 09:08

In respect of healthcare though I think the guest is correct. We have a shameful level of care under the state funded NHS