Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can i have a rant about my Ukrainian guest

658 replies

fakenamefornow · 23/07/2022 19:50

Context, normal family home with teenage school children. Taken in mum and six year old, they're living in our spare bedroom (with ensuite) and living as part of the family. We didn't know them previously and they came directly from Ukraine to us. They're both lovely and generally easy to live with, been with us one month, no regrets. Just need a little anonymous rant to let off steam though.

Ukraine seems better than the UK in every way.

The food. She's a very good cook and makes lovely Ukrainian dinners for us. But British food is terrible, Ukrainian people would never eat so much processed food (she might have a point). They have processed food in Ukraine but only foreigners eat it. Ukrainians always cook fresh.

The health care. She's had three medical emergencies with her child since being here. First one, child had temperature of 38, (bouncing around playing looking in perfect health to me.) She was astonished that a doctor wouldn't immediately come to house to see child. Arranged GP appointment that afternoon (she doesn't drive, I had to take her) . Upset, angry and confused that antibiotics weren't given. She really just couldn't understand it at all. I Ukraine a doctor would have come to the house, day or night, and given medication, you treat small things immediately so they don't get big. Child had three days off school and spent the whole time running around playing.

Child had tiny abscess on gum, no pain or any other symptoms. This necessitated an immediate trip to the out of hours minor injuries unit (still appalled doctor wouldn't come to house). No treatment, told to ring 111 in the morning. I live in an NHS dentistry desert but because they've come from Ukraine a local dentist has taken them on as NHS patients. Had emergency dental appointment next day. Dentist said leave it alone, come back in two months time or if problem develops with it. Mum wanted minor surgery to remove/empty it and antibiotics. More anger and confusion. She can't believe how bad medical care is here (again, she might have a point). Anyway, more time off school for this.

Her appointment for biometrics was messed up (their fault not her's) and she missed the card delivery. So bureaucracy and postal service doesn't work here. She's applied for universal credit, no money yet though, and it seems ridiculous that she should go to the office every week. Nothing works well in this country. Even the streets are difficult to walk on because the pavement is uneven.

I know many Ukrainian have lost good lives to take children to safety and life probably was much better in Ukraine than it will ever be in UK. Hopefully this is temporary and they will be able to return. Her life in Ukraine, was living in a nice flat that was her mother's (mother dead, now hers) with her brother and her kid. She's divorced, kids dad not around, no contact for years. Worked as office manager (small company, not high flying) with good salary.

Really, she's lovely and very grateful.
I just need a little rant about a few things.

OP posts:
Tractorcrisis · 24/07/2022 06:32

No. You can’t have a rant about your Ukrainian refugee.

sorcerersapprentice · 24/07/2022 07:20

I think she's going through a big period of adjustment. She doesn't know when she's going back and when she does go back all the things that were fantastic about her country, won't be there any more. All the infrastructure that delivered good healthcare, reliable food supplies, etc have been bombed to smithereens. She probably knows this and is mourning a life lost. Venting is just a way of releasing frustration and loss.

You're doing a wonderful thing OP, you'll remember this for the rest of your as will your guests. I have huge admiration for you and her cooking sounds delicious 😋

winewolfhowls · 24/07/2022 07:23

Shandaz · 23/07/2022 20:43

I'm afraid that the UK is crap in a number of ways (and growing). The Ukrainians I know also talk about a much better health service there.
However, they've said that the children could not travel by themselves (teenage boys) because they were afraid they would be kidnapped for their organs. And that there was a lot of crime there - everything that wasn't locked down would be stolen. They put a high fence round their garden, but someone came in via a tree and stole their bikes. And their government was corrupt and society very divided.

Kidnapped for their organs?!

Scianel · 24/07/2022 07:59

I don't disagree that the NHS is struggling right now, but one of the best things about it, compared to other countries, is that it's not as prone to massive over-medicalisation.
It's not just a bad idea to hand out antibiotics like sweets because of resistance, it's not exactly brilliant healthwise either. Taking a conservative approach to treatment is laudable.

Also not everyone in the UK subsists on processed junk, although I agree that people as a whole eat too much of it.

I'm an immigrant myself and I don't think the UK is perfect but nor do I recognise the hellhole that some posters seem to think they live in.

Figmentofmyimagination · 24/07/2022 08:17

Just because there is processed food in the supermarkets, you don’t need to buy it. It’s called choice. We are lucky to be able to make good food choices in this country if we want to - even on a budget - because the variety on offer is (sometimes quite absurdly) huge.

Meraas · 24/07/2022 08:23

It’s probably pride. ‘Yes, I’m forced to leave my country due to war and fear of death, but that doesn’t mean your country is any better than mine.’

Sandra1984 · 24/07/2022 08:48

I'm a migrant too (Spain) and have only gratitude towards the UK, it open my doors to me (I arrived before Brexit) and has been extremely generous by providing me with work, a successful business (I'm self employed) and public health care. Of course things are not perfect here (show me a country were things are perfect. None). Yes, people eat terribly in the the UK, A LOT of processed food, chocolate and all sorts of rubbish sugary treats, but I have the option to buy groceries, avoid the chocolate isle and cook healthy meals at home (which I do). I didn't come to the UK running away from a war so I can understand her stress and frustration but ultimately she should be grateful this country government took her and the kind English people took her inside their home (like the OP).

Don't bite the hand that feeds you, specially when they have saved your life and put you inside their home. I wonder what this Ukranian woman would think if she the situation was vice versa and she had taken the OP into her home only to hear her complaint about the Ukraine.

GreenLunchBox · 24/07/2022 08:51

SunflowerGardens · 24/07/2022 03:22

'I do worry that she'll have the ambulance out for some minor thing that I wouldn't have even noticed with my own children.'

I wouldn't worry. She'll probably still be waiting for it to arrive by the time you get back.

🤣

TreePoser · 24/07/2022 08:54

I couldn't have offered @fakenamefornow
I know some people have but just no, no way.

I'm in Ireland where the ukrainians have been placed mostly in hostels and hotels. So there tend to be about 80 of them all together in the one place.

Irish people weren't offered any payment for taking a ukrainian family in, so it's happened, I know a couple of people who've done it, but it's not a big thing here.

I just couldn't cope with the fact that there's no end date to it.

Jenpeg · 24/07/2022 08:56

TimeFlysWhenYoureHavingRum · 23/07/2022 19:58

Shes largely right though. We have been gaslight into accepting pretty terrible public services in this country based on the lie that they are "world beating" for years now (it didn't used to be so!).

So true. I am realising this travelling abroad again after a few years. Good food, good coffee, good transport, loads of stuff happening, which are just tourist level observations but I think reflect life quality overall. Our country is in a deep mess

Hardbackwriter · 24/07/2022 09:04

I don't think she's unreasonable to feel this way, but nor are you unreasonable to be upset by it. I think most of us are at our most patriotic when our country is criticised - I don't feel any sense of patriotism day-to-day, but I do feel it prickle in those circumstances. It's like someone criticising your family - it's ok for you to moan about them but it makes people very defensive if anyone else does!

What she clearly desperately needs is more contact with other Ukrainians in the UK, virtual if necessary. One of the functions of any ex-pat community I've ever encountered is to give people a space to moan about their new country with other people who aren't from there! It might also be good for you to meet and talk with other people hosting Ukrainian families to share challenges - it's a huge thing to do to share your home like that and you're all doing so well if this is the biggest thing, but you probably just need some more separate spaces to let off steam.

Mascia · 24/07/2022 09:11

Lasse · 24/07/2022 01:11

Everyone has seen Farage's poster. Everyone understood it. Every EU citizen in the UK I know who's talked to me about it understood it exactly in this way. It's now been six years, but I can think of at least five who left the UK, their home, because of the hostility that was directed to them.

The way I see it - people might have had their own reasons to vote for Brexit before those posters went up. Would they change they mind because one controversial individual shouted about what Brexit meant for him?

I‘m sure some people voted for it because they don’t like foreigners, others might have just wanted different means to control immigration. The latter is not automatically racist.

As I said in my previous post, I‘ve met several non-EU immigrants in the UK who were very much pro-Brexit. I once argued with an American woman who said why did she have to jump through so many hoops to be able to stay in the UK while it was made so easy for EU citizens.

I‘ve met Brexiters who regret their vote now, I’ve met others who don’t, but who never made me, an EU citizen, feel uncomfortable.

A friend of mine works in hospitality here in the UK. She said she met several EU citizens who moved here after the Brexit referendum, as long as there were able to do it easily.
I know that at same time many people decided to leave the UK because they felt unwelcome. As I said previously, I was very upset about the Brexit vote at the time, but now I do think people had different reasons (that weren’t necessarily xenophobia) to vote that way.

Mascia · 24/07/2022 09:24

Cantstandbullshit · 24/07/2022 02:55

Neither is Ukraine. The point is the UK has opened its doors to help them in their time of need, that’s not the time for them to start dissing the UK and comparing back to Ukraine.

Agree with this. I fully sympathize with the woman who had to leave her country and is feeling homesick. But Ukraine isn’t/ wasn’t perfect even before the invasion.
Constantly criticizing your host country who provides you with free healthcare and schooling for your child, who‘s been massively supporting your home country against the invaders, is not a great look.

runningpram · 24/07/2022 09:29

I think your guest is adjusting and Eastern Europeans tend to be much more direct than here in the UK.
However, people saying we're the most racist country in Europe after Hungary are really wrong. When I lived in France I was horrified by the levels of overt racism from even educated people, that would have been totally unacceptable here.

listsandbudgets · 24/07/2022 09:32

OP we have Ukranians with us too and a lot of what you say rings true. They are astounded ( and not in a good way) by the levels of health care and dentistry in this country. When their DS fell of his bike they honestly thought the doctor would come to the house. I've not even been able to get them a dentist.

As for UK government bureaucracy and the job centre visits they've jjst become a standing joke between us. They got jobs after they'd been here 3 weeks and were absolutely delighted because they hated going to JC!

They are lovely people and we enjoy having them about. If I have a complaint its that I like one particular brand of tea and so do Ukrainians A LOT!! That's my special tea that is Grin

I saw loads of people on social media who were in the "safe" areas in the West. They were still in Ukraine and talking about bringing hosts gifts and food. In afraid I deliberately steered clear and only considered those already in refugee centres in Poland. Our guests are from Zhytomyr which was hit very early in the war.

I had to narrow it somehow. Choosing someone in that way felt inhumane, it was horrible.. who do I "save"? Who's worthy of our spare rooms? It was horrible. Now I look at people coming out of the occupied areas and think should I have waited.

Sellie555 · 24/07/2022 09:40

I hear ya! And it’s healthy to rant!i have a Ukrainian family here too and they regularly are shocked at the culture and way of life too. And I’ve had to sometimes bite my tongue

but then again I went to Dubai a few weeks ago and I reckon I spent the whole 2 weeks going ‘wow, how much?’ And ‘no free schooling?’ Or ‘you can’t buy alcohol in a supermarket?’ Or ‘wow these people spend all their money on luxuries, they have no idea about the real world’ etc etc.

so I don’t think it’s ‘dissing’ or being ungrateful. I’ve realised it’s purely a shock that things don’t operate the way that they are used to them operating

listsandbudgets · 24/07/2022 09:48

@Tauvuella Your point about the medicine cupboard madame smile. Quite sensibly really given it was a warzone out guests threw the contents if their medicine cupboard in a couple of plastic bags and shoved them into their rucksacks. I am very glad they didn't have a bag search going through customs as I've a horrible feeling there would have been many questions.I strongly suspect they regard my first aid kid, strepsils and pain killers as a derisory safeguard. DS felt sick and they started waving anonymous pill packets saying he'd be better in the morning..I declined politely. Later I found him snuggled up with grandmother fast asleep while she sung him what I assume was a Ukranian or Russian lullaby.

CrystalCoco · 24/07/2022 09:55

I absolutely get how this makes you feel.

I have an Eastern European friend living near me and all she ever does is complain and compare, there's been times when it's been on the tip of my tongue to say 'well why don't you just fuck off back to ...... then" - obviously that would be inappropriate to say to anyone, least of all to a Ukrainian.

Pooet · 24/07/2022 10:00

For thise of us who do t live in the UK, we do laugh at the pathetic pride of the NHS. I have so many Indian colleagues who are bewildered that they are paying hundreds of thousands in uni fees yet their kid gets tonsillitis and told to 'watch and wait' and often pull them and send them to the US or Germany instead. Nowhere else in the universe do you have to wait 3 days to see a GP or dentist. Lots of Ukrainians have said fuck this and gone home.

Mascia · 24/07/2022 10:06

listsandbudgets · 24/07/2022 09:48

@Tauvuella Your point about the medicine cupboard madame smile. Quite sensibly really given it was a warzone out guests threw the contents if their medicine cupboard in a couple of plastic bags and shoved them into their rucksacks. I am very glad they didn't have a bag search going through customs as I've a horrible feeling there would have been many questions.I strongly suspect they regard my first aid kid, strepsils and pain killers as a derisory safeguard. DS felt sick and they started waving anonymous pill packets saying he'd be better in the morning..I declined politely. Later I found him snuggled up with grandmother fast asleep while she sung him what I assume was a Ukranian or Russian lullaby.

DS felt sick and they started waving anonymous pill packets saying he'd be better in the morning.

I was offered something similar by a Polish colleague while working abroad years ago 😁
No idea what it was, she said it was probably banned in other countries, but because she seemed quite sensible I did take one of the pills and my heavy cold was gone over night.

Later I found him snuggled up with grandmother fast asleep while she sung him what I assume was a Ukranian or Russian lullaby.

That sounds wonderful 😊

ClareBlue · 24/07/2022 10:29

Pooet · 24/07/2022 10:00

For thise of us who do t live in the UK, we do laugh at the pathetic pride of the NHS. I have so many Indian colleagues who are bewildered that they are paying hundreds of thousands in uni fees yet their kid gets tonsillitis and told to 'watch and wait' and often pull them and send them to the US or Germany instead. Nowhere else in the universe do you have to wait 3 days to see a GP or dentist. Lots of Ukrainians have said fuck this and gone home.

This is such an entitled elitist thing to post.
Pathetic pride? The UK is not a country where millions (yes millions) have no access to medical care and live in abject poverty where they feed themselves from rubbish tips like in India. Where millions (yes millions) die of preventable and treatable disease but an extremely rich elite control the population through the most racist structured society in the world.
There is nothing pathetic about having pride in a health system that struggles to meet demand but doesn't bankrupt people who get a cancer diagnosis and haven't got insurance or treat everyone irrespective of ability to pay 000s to educate themselves. A system that saves lives of people who in India wouldn't even access any healthcare.
Paying 000s for university is paying for university

Catslovepies · 24/07/2022 10:33

OP if you're still reading this, there is a Facebook group called UK hosts support that is for hosts only (I'm one, too). A lot of people are in there sharing their stories of hosting and letting off a little steam when needed as well as seeking advice when things really do go downhill. There are a lot of common themes that get discussed and guests saying everything is better in Ukraine is one of them! I'm lucky, my guests are a lovely family and we've had no issues (it's far easier having them to stay than having my parents for example 😊). Other hosts have had significant issues. It's nice to be in a group where we can share the good and the bad.

Mascia · 24/07/2022 10:35

Pooet · 24/07/2022 10:00

For thise of us who do t live in the UK, we do laugh at the pathetic pride of the NHS. I have so many Indian colleagues who are bewildered that they are paying hundreds of thousands in uni fees yet their kid gets tonsillitis and told to 'watch and wait' and often pull them and send them to the US or Germany instead. Nowhere else in the universe do you have to wait 3 days to see a GP or dentist. Lots of Ukrainians have said fuck this and gone home.

Nowhere else in the universe do you have to wait 3 days to see a GP or dentist.

That‘s simply not true, is it?

Pooet · 24/07/2022 10:35

ClareBlue · 24/07/2022 10:29

This is such an entitled elitist thing to post.
Pathetic pride? The UK is not a country where millions (yes millions) have no access to medical care and live in abject poverty where they feed themselves from rubbish tips like in India. Where millions (yes millions) die of preventable and treatable disease but an extremely rich elite control the population through the most racist structured society in the world.
There is nothing pathetic about having pride in a health system that struggles to meet demand but doesn't bankrupt people who get a cancer diagnosis and haven't got insurance or treat everyone irrespective of ability to pay 000s to educate themselves. A system that saves lives of people who in India wouldn't even access any healthcare.
Paying 000s for university is paying for university

The NHS kills thousands of people a year. It is a pathetic pride and yes we did laugh at you banging your saucepans and being totally duped by the government that they are heroes.

ClareBlue · 24/07/2022 10:39

SpaceGoatFarm · 23/07/2022 23:51

Actually lots of european countries have looked into the Rwanda thing. Israel also did it a few years ago. Denmark currently interested. for some reason Denmarks mad anti immigrant laws never get mentioned.

Denmark is the most xenophobic country in Europe backed up with illegal migration control that is contra to EU agreements, but for some reason gets away with it.