To end my marriage over this.

[strawberryice90]

Hi, I'm posting for the first time as I'm feeling really lost and confused and don't know what to do.

I've been with my husband (38) for 11 years, married for 6. Im 32, we have a son (6), I have a daughter who lives with us (13) and he has a son (13) and daughter (16)who don't live with us but do visit regularly.

In February of this year I saw a text on my husbands phone where he was arranging to meet a prostitute. I looked through his contacts and noticed there were quite a lot saved under two letter names such as JK/A1/KM... there were ten in total and when I google searched them all 10 bought up escort adverts for different girls. Some were near where we live and some were near his work. They were all quite young between 19-22. I was angry, upset and disgusted and confronted him. He denied anything had ever happened, he said he had messaged a few but only got a couple of responses and had never gone through with it. He said the reason he had searched for them was because I didn't have sex with him often enough, our sex life has gone through rough patches but has been getting better in the last two years. I'd say we have sex about 2/3 times a month so not loads but a lot more then we used to.
Literally two days after I found this out he got taken ill and ended up in hospital for 3 days so it got brushed to one side and I chose to believe him.

A few weeks ago I saw a naked body selfie he had taken of himself, he never takes photos like this and hadn't sent the photo to me. I thought it was strange but decided to let it go.
Today I was using his phone to google something as it was the nearest one to hand. He was asleep as he works nights. In his recent google searches I saw a search for escorts in the area he works.
I looked in his sat nav app to see any addresses he had last visited and there was one recent one, near his work, that I didn't recognise, I put the address into google maps and the place is an all blacked out, plain black shopfront with loads of little cards stuck around the doorframe. It looks dodgy but obviously I can't know for sure what it is unless I go there myself. I'm now thinking the naked selfie was one he had taken to send to one of these girls in advance but I don't even know if that is a thing that is done?

I told him what I had seen and again he denied ever doing anything but didn't offer an explanation as to why he had searched for escorts again. I told him I want him to leave as I can't believe him and again he just repeated that he hasn't actually done anything. I don't have any proof that he has actually been to an escort/prostitute but there is a voice in my head telling me I would be stupid to believe him.

He is now moping around the house in a bad mood and I am sat here feeling anxious, confused and lost. I don't know what to do.
If we broke up I would suffer a lot financially and mine and my kids life's would be much harder. I do love him but I feel disgusted at him right now. I don't want to be with a man who visits prostitutes. But what if I'm wrong?

What would other people think or do in this situation? Please help

Sorry you're going through this, its very dark and nasty behaviour. Best thing for now is to focus on the practical aspects. You could use the savings to pay a years rental upfront somewhere, that will get you out of your current situation fast. If you have over £6 in savings you wont qualify for any help from UC so that's worth bearing in mind too. He will also have to pay child support for your six year old so you can add that to you income I would hope. If you do want to move away to different cheaper area now might be a good time too, as your children are just at the beginning of primary and secondary school. Lots to think about.

I would say leave, get a fresh start that feels like adding into your life rather than staying in a house with something missing. You'll feel much more empowered if you move, and he has no control over that. I would also say keep the savings until maintenance has been sorted out. Sadly, I'm all too aware of how dad's suddenly decide not to pay when they are happy. It will give you a safety net for a bit, and when you are settled and he is paying you can then divide the savings. If he is staying in the current house he should be okay for a bit.

*aren't

I think the question is why haven't you already ended your marriage over this?

He's cheating and paying for sex.

Not much to save here. Apart from your dignity for not staying with this loser.

Keep his £15k as well.

1. because HE has caused this split and you need it to secure accommodation for the children
2. because HE squandered family money on indulging the whims of his penis
3. because you will need it in the future for your children

Doesn't matter if he's slept with them (he has) he wants to even after being caught.

Leave.

I'm so sorry OP.

I also believe that he is cheating. It's good to see you have seen him for what he is and are looking to go your own way. I wish you and your DC's all the best.

I would encourage you to set your confusion aside. You say you don't have any evidence, but you do, lots, something's muddied your clarity. Guys who aren't messing about and who love their partners don't behave like this.

You can keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, and have him gaslighting you, for years - until you get firm proof... I guess that would be him with his dick out, with an escort near by. But then I am sure he could come up with a story to explain that away, too. It will just diminish you, and wear you down.

Boot him out. Change the locks. Remove his clothes and possessions while he's at work if he is unlikely to go. Don't move yourself and the kids out. Good luck, OP.

I am so sorry you are going through this but I would drive to the place anyway just to have a look at it. He may be telling the truth as I do know a close family member who kept ringing up when he was drunk but never actually got an escort to visit him. But this all seems suspicious if he has the address and the selfie. I could not live with all the confusion and it will drive you mad and there is no trust left at all. Why is he getting mad if he did nothing wrong. Ask him to leave while you sort your head out as he will only take away all your confidence and make you think you are going mad with his gaslighting. I would also speak to a family member and open up to them or a close friend as you cannot keep this to yourself.

Don’t be taken for a fool any longer!!

How will you ever trust him again? taking naked selfies and he cant explain why? how might he feel if he found a load of escort agency numbers on your phone and naked selfies? Its down to self worth....you know you are worth more than this, even if you didnt have sex at all, he should speak to you about how he feels not just start looking for prostitutes. If it were me, it would be a deal breaker....I couldnt respect someone I was disgusted with.

Bravo, @ReneBumsWombats

It is the script cheaters work from. ‘It’s your fault bc we never had enough sex’. Time to move on.

Agreed @Ladyof2022
OP, I’m ever so sorry, what a shock you mush have got. It’s not easy, but you are strong.
You’ve given your time in the home and full time career in exchange for this family, while he’s had and abused that privilege. I’d invite him to hand over the savings he hasn’t spent on sex and get out pronto OR I’d tell anyone and their distant relatives. (Get picks of those texts and emails, btw)

Regards the photo, he’s probs just sending it to them for a bit of role play - conjuring a fantasy where he’s not a loser who cheats by paying for sex, and treats them like genuinely interested women. Many years ago a friend caught a boyfriend emailing sex workers for appointments. She showed me the emails - he would write as if he was going on an internet date, he would describe his body, hair, eyes and height… as if they gave a single eff.😂How we laughed. His delusion was a moment of light relief in that moment of shock.
your hub is probs doing the same thing.

You’re stronger than you think. Get your benefits sorted. Look up shared ownership. Mind your kids. Get on your own path, you deserve better and so do your kids. Good luck.

Not sure what the confusion is. You are stronger than you think. You deserve better.

Yes of course you need to end it.

You also need to get a std test as a matter of urgency.

He must think you're absolutely stupid.

So sorry to hear this, I have been with my husband for a similar amount of time and we be 2 kids too. I am also very financially dependant on my husband too. But this would absolutely be a deal breaker for me, all day long.

I’m sorry but it doesn’t matter that nothing ever came of it (allegedly), the point is that he took steps to try and instigate something with these prostitutes and then tried to blame that quite awful behaviour on a lack of sex in your marriage? There’s no excuse for it at all, and he does not seem to show any remorse. You are currently in a position where you do not trust your husband, and rightly so, but you should not be in a relationship with someone who’s phone you constantly have to check to try and catch them out. I think if you stay, you will only drive yourself mad second guessing what he is up to. Imo he has broken your trust and his current and ongoing actions show he does not deserve the second/third/fourth chance you are giving him.

What @ScreamingInfidelities said. X

Damage has been done. What an arsehole.

@ Strawberryice90 Thank you all for replying, his reaction has had me doubting myself and thinking I'm over reacting. It breaks my heart but I do think I have to end it now. This isn't something I can ignore anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to find the strength. We are meant to be going on holiday with our kids in a week and a half and we have been saving to buy a house together. It's unbearable to think all my hopes for our life together are now gone.

All your hopes and dreams are not gone you will just make them with someone new, who deserves you. X

Morning everyone, just had the worst nights sleep of my life. I asked him to sleep on the sofa but he ignored me and got in to bed and kept touching me, when I asked him to stop he didn't so I had to get out of bed and sleep on the sofa. Part of me wants to ask him more questions but I know I'll just get more lies and denials so I won't. I spoke to my best friend on the phone yesterday and she was really supportive. I just feel so embarrassed to tell people my husband has been doing this. I want to crawl under a rock and disappear.
I have looked at shared ownership as some people suggested but even with a good deposit the monthly payment would still be too high. Not sure if I would qualify for help with housing costs in a shared ownership property either? If he doesn't leave I think private rent will be my only option, I doubt I would find another private landlord who would allow my cats and dog to move with us so would mean rehoming them, as he would not have them if he stayed in the house, which would be another massive blow, I know some people might not get that but me and the kids are very attached to our animals. My brain feels like it might burst with the amount running through it this morning.

Thank you ❤️