That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

OP seriously stop doing things for him. He doesn’t appreciate it and has no respect for you. He thinks you will continue running around after him. He doesn’t have to pay his own way or do anything for himself. He hasn’t had to step up and be an adult so still acts like a sullen child.
You don’t know what you’re got til it’s gone. Once he starts doing his own laundry he might realise how good he had it.

Seriously, hide his keys?

You need to start being a bit tired when it comes to his washing, ironing, cooking etc. oh and charge him rent, because he's taking the piss! Grabbing food out when you're subsidising his and his girlfriends lives so they can save in my book is disrespectful, takeaways would be something they'd need to sacrifice to get out from my house quickly but they don't need to when you're letting them use it like a hotel!

I think he needs to grow up a bit. He's either willing to give you a lift or not.

Time to no longer "guarantee" to do his washing, cooking and providing free accommodation (due to being so tired from your long walk home in the dark), I reckon.

This. It’s time you were less accommodating to him. Let him stay but stop doing anything further for him. Maybe roll your eyes at him a few times till he gets the message.

Are you not able to have a conversation about his attitude? I'm sorry I haven't read any other threads so apologise if you've already said why you can't. I would be asking what's going on and why, what does he think I've done, if anything? His attitude, IMO, is bloody rude and unnecessary considering all that you're doing for him. My son lives around the corner and would help us out at the drop of a hat and would never consider being so disrespectful.....

I'd suggest you collectively need to do some rearranging of boundaries for the household.

You're four(?) adults living together. Your son and his girlfriend would probably much prefer to be living independently rather than with you. So you need to attempt to do some breaking of the parent/child model of interacting you've had till now.

Housework needs sharing out in a fair way, with a level of tolerance for people doing different tasks in different ways.

Last minute quasi-demands for help that are time critical [like lifts from the train station] should be minimised. What would your response have been if your son had said 'no, I can't pick you up, I've had x to drink' or some other outright 'no'? It is worth treating the vagueness as a 'no' - allows you time to find a taxi etc so you're not stuck waiting for him to make a decision.

I can't think of many more immediately irritating things that being asked with 3-4 hours notice to go out to collect somebody in a non-emergency, especially if I was tired enough to actually want to go to bed. I'd probably do it, but begrudgingly.

There are lots of potential solutions:

• a train station collection rota, so you know in advance if it's your turn to collect anyone who is out


• asking a few days in advance to let people plan if you want a lift


• the person going out takes a car to the train station and that car is unavailable to everyone else whilst they're out (or somebody can have the car on condition they collect the person who is out)

Everybody needs space and privacy, including from personal questions and around their things. Is his girlfriend happy with you doing her washing? Is everybody 'allowed' to use the washing machine? Does he wear clothes that he thinks need ironing? [another possibly irritating thing: somebody else doing ironing for you, of clothes that don't need ironing, and expecting you to be grateful for it]

Energy saving / water saving wise, full loads in the washing machine are preferable, so makes most sense if everybody washes everything that's in a laundry basket / knows to add some tea towels/table cloths etc to fill the machine [yes, this is still a point, even though each of you you might not want everybody else washing your underwear].

I can't think of many more immediately irritating things that being asked with 3-4 hours notice to go out to collect somebody in a non-emergency

What an incredibly sheltered life you must lead. I can think of hundreds of more irritating things than being asked at ten minutes notice.

You havent addressed why you cook and clean for him hes sounds like a spoilt brat not lovely at all

you should have said i need a lift pick me up at 1030 no asking-he cando it for his girlfriend he can do it for his mum

stop being his servant my late dm done this with my youngesist dsis when she died she didnt know how to cope she'd never had to lift a finger

No words.

Who on earth said this?

I can't think of many more immediately irritating things that being asked with 3-4 hours notice to go out to collect somebody in a non-emergency, especially if I was tired enough to actually want to go to bed. I'd probably do it, but begrudgingly.

Begrudgingly? Even if you were just at home and the person asking for the lift, who gave that 3-4 hours notice, was someone who allowed you and your partner not to pay rent, did all you and your partner's washing and feeds you and your partner when you haven't eaten out?

You'd be really ungrateful and ridiculously unreasonable if so.

Same! What a silly comment.

I think it's more annoying living with an entitled little shit than being the entitled little shit, personally.

Presumably you wouldn't take that approach if you were living rent free with that parent, who also looked after your domestic needs, so the only thing you needed to actually do was go to work?

I despair when I read threads like this one, no wonder there are so many shit husbands/partners when they’re brought up to be selfish, misogynistic slobs.
I thank my lucky stars that I didn’t raise my DCs like this.
Ffs OP, kick him out. He’s 100% using you and his girlfriend will be the next in line - what the hell does she see in him?
🤬

Going against the grain here but I think you should charge him rent. He needs to contribute to the household not take you for a ride. You can always save most of it. If they’re supposed to be saving yet get most of their meals out, there’s something wrong there. If he doesn’t like it then he always has other options. You're practically begging him to show you no respect by accepting his poor treatment. Time to show tough love.

I'm sorry, OP, I don't like blaming women, but you're doing him no service in the longer terms by being such a doormat. Seriously, stop doing stuff for him, insist on respect and helpfulness and if it isn't immediately forthcoming, kick the the f**k out. He needs to learn to be kind and respectful to women, and this is not the way to do it.

He doesn't respect you and you need to charge him rent. I understand its a lovely thing you're trying to do for him to help him save but hes giving nothing back in terms of reciprocal care or appreciation.

I know you don't give in order to get but I wouldn't let any adult disrespect me for free, even one I created myself. You're doing too much for him and he's not making life easier for you in any way he's comfortable and thinking only about himself/his girlfriend.

And by rent I mean the going rate for rent or as close to it as possible.

The girlfriend is there more than half the week. She must contribute as well or your son can stay at hers more often.
Stop letting him have it all and give back nothing.

There is no law that compels men to take women's kindness, generosity and support and repay it with selfishness and disrespect. Its perfectly possible to have a mother who does a great deal for you and still be a decent adult man. If OPs son chooses to be a selfish misogynistic slob, at 22, that's on him. Don't give him a free pass by blaming his behaviour on a woman.

@Okaythanks did he witness a father figure treat you this way growing up?

If he’s finished his apprenticeship then his pay should have gone up so now’s a good time to review what he should be contributing in terms of ‘keep’ towards household costs, his share of chores, doing his own laundry and ironing and his ‘attitude’.

Well I have two of a similar age who still live at home & if I'm cooking I cook for everyone plus do their washing if I'm doing a load.

I can't see the point of half loads being put on by various different people.

That said, they appreciate it.

They know that being part of a family is looking out for one another & chipping in/helping out.

And of course that you help friends/neighbours.