That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

I think you need a frank conversation with him. Could there be something he is angry with you for? Regardless his behaviour is unacceptable. As others have said pull him up when he is rude, stop doing everything for him. I'd also be minded to charge rent to both him and his girlfriend. He doesn't get to disrespect you in your home when you and your DH fund everything.

I said in all my years around dozens and dozens of teens and the frank chats women have about "teens", I have never heard worse than this.

OP, he's a lovely lad?

I suppose a not lovely one would be physically assaulting his mum, so low is the bar in your home for behaviour.

Most husbands, certainly the even half decent ones, would be apoplectic at their wives walking rurally for 30 minutes because their son couldn't be arsed to collect her.

That anything could have happened to you, a fall, a trip, a car not taking care.

Walking rurally can be hazardous at night.

That he rolled over and went to sleep.
Unbelievable.

Well, you win OP, for the most shocking story of pure selfishness that a lot of us have ever heard......and a husband who clearly tolerates such treatment of you.

I will tell you one thing, any woman with a shed of self respect would reflect on their rearing of a child like him, and in my case I probably would never hold them in quite the same regard again.

This won't be the last time that you will be bitterly disappointed in him.

God help the woman and her family that he ends up with.

They will rightly judge you and your husband very harshly for dragging him up to be the way he is.

Goodness, you’re getting a hard time on here, OP. But I’m afraid to say that posters are right. You need a calm but serious talk with him. You have Had Enough.

For a start, start, he and GF must start paying rent (about half of what they’d have to pay locally, rent only no bills, is what I charged dds) doing their own washing and helping with housework. And his selfish, disrespectful behaviour needs to stop, or they are both welcome to leave and find out for themselves just what a roof over your head and all the bills actually cost.

For what it’s worth tho I am severely autistic and a lot of my behaviours come across as ignorant and selfish when actually I just don’t really grasp the situation and need clear direct guides on what’s expected of me in which this case I don’t think she was direct or planned enough and I wouldn’t have felt bad at all for going to sleep.

so you are “severely autistic”

Unless there is a major drip feed, this man is NT.

And let me tell you as someone who is also NT - what you outline is simply not how loving and supportive family members respond to one another, and there would be No issue in interpreting things

@Thatboymum

How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

So this was your question at the end of your OP. Having read your last post, I now understand. You didn't want to be told to have boundaries, to stop washing and cooking and cleaning for him. You wanted to be told that there was a magic formula and that if, in addition to everything else you do for him, you fanned him with palm leaves and hand fed him grapes washed in unicorn tears then he'd be nice to you.

Not going to happen. He's a selfish, rude and entitled man child, and PPs have said that over and over again, along with how to make changes. But you don't want to hear. So please carry on being a doormat/wet lettuce. Just don't expect anything to change unless it's for the worse.

🍷 - not for you. For his future wife/partner (if any)

@Thatboymum
she did ask him outright and he gave a shitty response. He should have agreed in a heartbeat and picked her up. There really is no way op can be blamed here even though you’re trying really hard to do so.
and what she did re lifts when he was a kid is irrelevant. He’s an adult now, he needs to start acting like one or piss out of OP’s home. It’s her house not his.

@MalagaNights only on MN do young adults move boyfriends and girlfriends in 3/4 nights a week.

It certainly doesn't happen in my circle.
None of my friends would tolerate it.

They might stay max one night a week, having asked?

They might spend part of another evening in a spare sitting room with the other teens in the family or room, but they most certainly are not moving them in and expecting their mothers to suck it up.

Only on planet MN does that happen.

My children have Uni friends to stay over at times, but I am ALWAYS checked with.
AKA.....basic manners, as this is my house.

There have been times when they have brought friends that were stuck back to stay over, and I have bedding and pillows always to hand for that reason, but this is always respectfully done.

Having a boyfriend/girlfriend over 4 nights a week would change the dynamic of my home and family life for my other children.

I wouldn't want it.

Yep I live in your world @billy1966 !

We didn’t want it either and none of ours would have dreamed of doing it. I really don’t understand why people put up with it.

I think I'd ask him what his problem is for a start.

Then set out the basic rules of common decency which seem to have passed him by.

I rarely ask anything of my DSs of similar ages as I'm a pretty independent person, but when I ask, they would always do whatever it is with good grace and if I was going out I'd be offered a lift both ways just as I would do for them.

I'd not chuck him out either at this point but I would be having a frank word and also be doing less for him. Otherwise he'll end up moving in with GF and expecting her to look after him too. I told my DS in no uncertain terms that it's not his GF's job to pick up after him and clean his shit from the toilet.

I don’t think any of them are at fault or to be blamed I just think her expectations of what she has already described as a shit person were too high and whether it’s somebody with ASN or just a shit person she should have been more clear and concise in advance of her expectations. She didn’t really tell him what she wanted she asked him and I think he was quite clear that he was most likely going to go to sleep. Felt it relevant to mention my own support needs because I totally understand my way of thinking can come across terribly and it’s certainly not from a lack of loving somebody. If my mum had said to me the day before or that morning tonight I need you to collect me from x place at x time I would without a doubt be there but if she text me later on when I was tired etc myself and said I may need a lift later and I fell asleep I genuinely wouldn’t feel bad for it

Not charging rent because they are saving for their own home in one sentence and then saying they mainly grab food out and if his girlfriend goes into town he picks her up at 2am?
I would start charging rent.

@Thatboymum

you are “severely autistic” so I will repeat that as a NT person, which the son is… your interpretation of events as being she should have been more clear and concise in advance of her expectations. She didn’t really tell him what she wanted she asked him applies to you but for those of us NT - it was very very clear.

Surely you can see that you are something of a lone voice in your interpretation of the exchange?

Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.

Why are you doing his washing and ironing? You have made the decision to act like his skivvy and now he is treating you as such.

The one thing that convinced me beyond doubt that DH was the one was when his sisters would laugh about how they’d go out clubbing till late and DH would get out of bed and come get them no matter where they were at all times in the night/morning.

and I was right.

i feel very sorry for any current/future partner of your sons, he is not a nice man.

I agree I wouldn't want it but also I don't think it's good for them.

Young adults should understand: yes this is your home, but it's your parents house so it's your home in relationship to being their child.

It is not your home you have worked & created, where you choose the expectations, the values, the boundaries, you need to leave and create your own home as an adult for that. Which is what you should be working towards.

Just giving them everything they want without creating it themselves is not good for them, it removes purpose drive and respect for what you have created.

Which is clearly one of the factors here for this spoiled entitled young man.

@Thatboymum

to quote OP

“I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.”

He is at fault. her request is clear as Crystal. He just couldn’t be bothered and doesn’t see his mum as important. Some people are just selfish. There are no issues here with unclear communication or misinterpretation blah blah. He is selfish and I’d be ashamed of him if he was my son or boyfriend

I'd be hurt to OP , what does his dad say ?

This won't help. The DS is already being rude, disrespectful and is obviously enjoying the power of either withholding information or being deliberately vague when asked for a lift.

He is acting like a spoiled entitled brat, and the OP needs to stop enabling him.

OP, stop running around after him like a blue arsed fly. He can do his own washing, his own shopping and cooking.

Once he sees that you won't be treated like his personal servant, he might start being a bit more respectful.

Gentle little chats about being respectful are probably the reason why the DS became such an entitled brat in the first place.

If it was an arrangement made in advance (not while you were already out) then you'd be justifiably pissed off. In the situation you outlined in your op though I'd say YABU.

That would be a whole lot of nope for me... no one is owed a free ride to get a house deposit.

How do people expect their kids to grow up when they never have to do anything (even basic respect) anymore.

Agree. Op needs to be much clearer in her expectations.

Don't do anything for him he's all take and gives nothing back. Hide his keys when he's picking up his girlfriend. He won't be just picking her up but her friends as well. They can get a taxi.

I wouldn't be paying to feed him as well as the girlfriend. He's living there rent free that's enough.

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This. My friend was the same with her daughter and she was leading a fantastic life living it up on holidays and nights out while "saving for a place of her own" which at 39 still hasn't happened.
Doesn't live at home anymore but not in a place she owns either mum did eventually get fed up.
Equally my mothers grandson is also "saving for a place of his own", which she's so blind to the fact he's no intention of doing and at 41 he still lives with her and not a penny to his name.

Sounds like he treats the place like a hotel....which I'm sure you know doesn't come free.
Does he ever stop over at his girlfriends and help himself to the utilities there?
I'd give him a choice help out a bit more or start paying towards the bills for food/utilities he and his girlfriend use.