That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

He does sound like a shit in general but I don't think the lift thing is the hill to die on.

I am totally unbothered about walking at night esp short distances which 30 mins is for me but if I was unhappy with the idea of walking, I would make sure that I had my lift sorted before leaving for my evening out. Not on my way out saying something like "I might need a lift later" but "Can you please pick me up from the station at 10:30 tomorrow? Thanks!"

But I get the sense you are generally uncomfortable being direct and clear about what you want.

Why oh why do women put up with this shitty behaviour.

So because he's your son he can treat you like this..mmm

He has absolutely no respect for you... being nice to him is not working, is it ?

His girlfriend actually lives at your house, you do realise this, don't you ?

They pay nothing towards their keep and he shows disdain for you...🙄

You have created a little monster and now you want to know how to reverse it !
STOP being nice. Stop accommodating him. Stop doing his bloody washing for goodness' sake for starters

There's a whole world in between "kicking him out on his arse" and acting like his servant.

You could start charging him rent, for starters. If that doesn't suit you then, for fuck's sake, at least stop washing his undies and cleaning up after him.

100%. Shocking to have left her walk. Bet it’s her car too!

Oh wow.

First, treating him kindly won’t make him more kind towards you. I’ve seen so many people make this mistake 😢

I wouldn’t throw him out straight away for this, but I would give him a written warning that either he speaks to you with respect at all times, or he leaves, and either way give him notice that he needs to be gone within the next four months. And in the meantime I would stop doing all laundry shopping cooking etc. for him. Why on earth isn’t a man this age washing his own pants?!!

Making his mum walk thirty minutes home at 10.30 at night is unbelievably selfish and uncaring. You - and he - need to face the fact that he’s a spoilt brat.

Maybe show him this thread.

Well yes, because his mother won't be the only woman he treats with concept and disdain. I imagine many girlfriends and female bosses will have a thing or two to say about his disgusting attitude throughout his life. It's not ok to only take notice of being pulled up if it comes from a man and disregard the same words from a woman.

Well said @TibetanTerrah

I've just read your update. You wasn't left not knowing OP. Your Son told you... basically he could not be arsed... which is fine. But take note of the posters here OP. People are all saying similar things for good reason.

It is very relevant.

you are not a parent and you live alone.
Being a parent means effort, real effort, not to take the easy option, not to be “nice cop” so that you don’t have to bother disciplining.

building a strong and loving family is underpinned by doing things for one another, supporting, helping out.

the balance is very much the parent making most of the effort when they age children but by 22 - the scales have well and truly become more balanced.

and with time, when dealing with aged parents, the scales begin to tip the other way.

There is almost no chance sadly that this man will change.

22 years of piss poor parenting combined with an unpleasant personality means there really is no to little hope that anything can be done to stop this man behaving like this to other women in his life In future

Op, not charging him rent is your decision and fine if you can afford it but is totally separate to housework etc. Doing everything for him/them, needs to stop. He is 22, and more than capable of washing and ironing etc.

The best gift you can give him as his mother, is to teach him to do everything so that he can be a great partner to a future wife and not expect her to do everything for him.

He was very selfish in not picking you up after everything you do for him.

Sit down with him and his GF and say that as they are grown adults, they now need to start doing their own laundry, maybe they can cook a couple nights a week, and clear up afterwards, and do their share of cleaning the house.

If they don't like it, then start charging them rent. If they won't pay, let them get out into the real world and see what it is like when mummy stops looking after them.

I have NEVER heard such a story of such utter disregard for a parent.

Not been on mumsnet for long have you?

The girlfriend sounds like she’s been poorly raised as well.

Personally I would have taken his first reply as a No and made other arrangements, if I was tired after work etc I would go to sleep and I wouldn’t stay awake to make sure my adult parent got home safe.

@Takeitonthechin

“Stop doing so much for him, let his GF do it, who is going to do it when they get a place of their own”

OMG.

Are MN-ers really raising daughters to pander to lazy men?

Are MNers really raising sons to expect women to pander to their every need?

I would be ashamed if my male Ds expected his gf to do his washing in his parents home. Or any home.

"Either you are a part of this house and you look out for me like I look out for your financially and with chores. Or you become a proper paying tenant who will be treated as if you are not related. Or you can leave. Your choice".

You don't need to kick him out.

Blimey! Oh well, there's another one on the planet OP.

Bloody hell. Time for a talk. Set out what you do for him and what you expect in return. Say that you don't have to let him and gf live there and unless he bucks up his ideas then things will change. He should be doing his share of cooking, housework, chores etc. so should gf!

And his attitude has to change. What does his gf think of the way he talk to you? That's a huge red flag.

@Thatboymum

then you are as selfish as the son

Personally I don't understand why parents allow young adults girlfriends/ boyfriends to move in and use their homes casually as places of convenience.

I know though I'm out of step with most people's views on this.

But apart from anything I think it undermines the significance of the future steps in the relationship.

The OPs son is living rent free, has live in, commitment free sex, & has no domestic responsibilities. In fact no responsibility at all.

That is really not a good place for a young man to be, however much he might like it.

He's going to then move into a house with the girl who's already providing the convenient girlfriend role, she'll probably work hard to create a lovely environment for him to enjoy and then wonder 10 years later why he's not married her or doesn't want a baby.

Giving young men everything they want at a young age without any responsibility is not the route to creating respectful responsible men.

Young people don't value the steps in life because there's no working towards or waiting for them, so they're removed of the significance.

'Yeh move into my bedroom my mum will clean the toilets' is hardly provides the incentives and values young people need.

Also I just wouldn't want young adults loafing about my house being inconsiderate& lazy.

I honestly thought my mum was writing this about my brother. They are exactly the same age, both have girlfriends who stay over (but she does charge him rent) he won't do anything for anyone if he doesn't want to. He's really tight but not when it comes to his girlfriend. But on the other hand he's such a nice, funny lad. We have been trying to work out what his problem is though.

I agre with the suggestion to gently reset. A pleasant attempt to reboot.
Pointing out that respect and gratitude are surely the minimum you can expect.

If that doesn't work, charge rent, not just a tiny amount.
Then, if he won't pay, wish him good luck in his own place.

HIs girlfriend should be observing how he treats you.

He doesn't value your time because you don't. Why do you spend time doing his washing for him instead of him doing it himself? Is his time worth so much more than yours?

You've taught him that his time and energy and happiness is more important that yours. It's no surprise he now believes that.

That’s your opinion but it’s my honest answer and thoughts , she should have been better prepared and made solid arrangements the day before with him so she knew where they both stood not just expected him to do it because she houses him etc. I genuinely don't understand why she’s upset that her son didn’t stay up to make sure she as an adult got in safe? What did she do before he was old enough? For what it’s worth tho I am severely autistic and a lot of my behaviours come across as ignorant and selfish when actually I just don’t really grasp the situation and need clear direct guides on what’s expected of me in which this case I don’t think she was direct or planned enough and I wouldn’t have felt bad at all for going to sleep.