That my son wouldn’t give me a lift home

[Okaythanks]

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad, has a great job (just completed his apprenticeship) has a lovely GF who we make most welcome (she stays here at least 4 nights a week).
Weve agreed that as they are saving for their own place that we won’t charge rent etc . Despite this and is doing all his washing and ironing, supplying food when they want it (they mainly grab food out) DS feels the need to be quite hostile to me in particular.
Hes very short and sharp with me, everything I say he rolls his eyes at, I’m always made to feel like I’m a nuisance and stupid.
He won’t willingly go out of his way to help with anything and he loves keeping as much info from me as possible to keep me hanging on etc.
Typical example is this evening I’ve gone into our capital for a night out. I text him to ask if he could give me a lift home from the train station as I’ll be getting in at 10.30.
‘Not sure….I may be asleep as I’m tired’ he replied.
So im left dangling. It’s a 30 minute walk from the station or a 6-7 minute drive, tops.
I text him again on the train - no reply, so he’s gone to sleep. Im hurt he doesn’t care enough to stay up a little to make sure I get home ok. If it were his GF he goes into twin at 2am to collect her!
I know the MN collective will say ‘kick him out’ but that will just drive him further away and give him reason to be a dick. I’ve always preferred to be kind and hope he’d start to become a kinder person toward me but time is marching on and he still behaves like a bratty teenager toward me.

im tempted to tell him next time he disturbs me at 1am as he’s leaving to pick up his GF then the key is in the door and he doesn’t come back in but that’s being mean to his GF. How the hell do I get him to be nice to me, his mum!

He actually sounds really horrible. He made you walk home in the dark to a semi rural location because he couldn’t be bothered to drive 7 mins? Yet you do all chores for him and provide him with a home for free and allow his girlfriend to stay as well? That’s awful.

DS is almost 22, still lives at home. He’s a good lad

And, in the first line, is the reason you are treated so badly.

He actually sounds really horrible. He made you walk home in the dark to a semi rural location because he couldn’t be bothered to drive 7 mins? Yet you do all chores for him and provide him with a home for free and allow his girlfriend to stay as well? That’s awful.

Just slowly back off from doing things for him.
Tell him he is quiet right he is an Adult and as such you think he needs to learn to do his chores and his own cooking, the rota for the Bathrooms and Kitchen will be leave it CLEAN.
Stop being so nice, people (children) really despise us for it. Which is so sad,

I’d speak to him in front of his girlfriend about his selfish ways and as a result you will no longer be giving your time or energy to his living arrangements and they have 6 months to save and move out!

Whilst living there they will contribute £500 a month rent/bills and do their own chores.

I don't know if 'children despise us for being nice' is true, we've always been very nice to DD and she's been nice to us too! With the unfortunate OP her son treats her badly and sounds very unpleasant, could be partly nature but probably at least half nurture,ie he's been spoiled and never challenged on his bad behaviour.

I know you love him, but I wouldn't put up with it OP, tell him how hurt you are by his rudeness and lack of consideration for you and its best he leaves home now. You aren't helping him by allowing him to behave this way.

Sorry but in no way is he being 'a good lad', (strange that you think that) he actually sounds quite nasty.

I know this may sound rude but I think it needs to hit home.

You’re being twine for a mug and your son is a disgrace.

pull yourself together, charge them £250 a month each and stop it ALL. You’re not his maid!!

He is treating you like an unpaid landlady/servant hybrid because you have behaved like an unpaid landlady/servant hybrid. He behaves like an entitled toddler because you have treated him like an entitled toddler. If you persist in wistfully hoping that he will one day miraculously emerge as a caring and respectful person, you are going to have a long wait.

The only person who can change this dynamic is you.

Totally agree.

I am going against the grain here, not about your son being a knob (because I agree with that), but actually if you just sent a vague "I might need a lift" and then actually only asked for a lift after you had gone out, I think YAB a bit U. If you had posted that your adult child or husband had sent you a text after they had gone out and were expecting to be back late, asking for a lift, posters would be all over it, telling you not to be such a mug, and if they wanted a lift they should have arranged it.

You are also an adult, and if coming back late means that it will be difficult to get home easily/safely, then why didn't you actually sort it before you left?

I dunno tbh. If he fell asleep and missed your text, it’s understandable

However I do understand that he’s rude towards you and would go out of his way to help others over you, which makes you feel disrespected. I just don’t think the lift should have been the final straw though…the problem is his behaviour towards you in general. Focusing on the lift will look like you’re blowing things out of proportion, it’s not like he lives with you in exchange for being your Uber driver.

He lives with you in exchange for being respectful so when you speak to him, you need to focus on the more substantial issues you have.

“Going against the grain”

you didn’t read beyond the Op did you? 😂

Why do you say "going against the grain" when just about everyone agrees with you?

@Subbaxeo

everyone is saying he should pay rent

I love it when a poster joins a long thread with

“I’m going against the grain” or
”I’m probably going to get lambasted for this but…”

and then goes on to say the most mildest and unoriginal of comments that have been repeated dozens and dozens of times preciously

i hope they don’t do it in a meeting at work. I’d cringe for them!

I agree with this. Its not what you do for your children that leads to them being spoilt, it's how you let them behave towards you.

At his age, living at home, particularly without having to contribute either financially or practically, is very much a privilege. One that he is not appreciating, and is abusing, given his rudeness to you.

I think I'd just sit him down, and very quietly and calmly tell him that given his attitude and his rudeness, I hope he has saved enough for a rental deposit, because he may take this conversation as his notice to quit, with him being required to vacate the premises in 8 weeks time. I'd tell him this is not subject to discussion, negotiation, or debate, and if there is any more rudeness and lack of consideration from him, it may become effective immediately. I'd tell him I'd be confirming this in writing, and then I'd exit stage left.

Rude little bugger.

I don’t think op will be back as pretty much 100% of posters said her son is an entitled little, lazy misogynist who would rather belittle women than appreciate what these women do for him. OP, your son is a dick and he is showing you who he is. This is the time to shine for yourself and womenkind and telll that little fucker, to do one.

Try reading this?

www.drpsychmom.com/2021/02/28/guess-what-happens-if-you-let-your-kids-treat-you-like-garbage/

If parents who overparent in this way think about their child’s later adulthood at all, they assume that the child has been observing the parent acting kind and validating (really, over-validating) to them throughout their childhood and will then be able to mobilize these skills to relate to peers, coworkers, and significant others.
^^
However, oftentimes, the opposite is true. The child has learned that they are the center of the world and should be attended to and validated, and this desire characterizes their adult relationships as well.

He is showing little respect

You should sit them both down & allocate them some chores & they start paying rent.

If they leave at a later date you can give them some of the rent back, if you can afford to do so

Why have there been no rules previously ?

So not paying any housekeeping in order to save, you do all laundry, but he mostly eats out. Stop all this now! You're being taken for a ride and it will never stop.

He is hugely disrespectful towards you. I think they both should be contributing something financially. Stop doing everything you are for them. He probably won't like it that you're establishing boundaries if you implement what I've suggested, but with time, maturity and the realisation of what a good thing he had, he will come back.

You have raised him to be an entitled arrogant brat , why would you accept this behaviour from him

Six months? As long as that? For me it's be one month tops.