"You're in administration are you?"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Waiting for a train and a guy started chatting to me to pass the time. Told me he had a 51 year old son so he must be in his 70s. When he discovered I work at a university he asked me the question in the subject line.

I asked him what made him say that and he just shrugged. I didn't say so, but I suspect it's because I'm a woman and also his generation.

Unreasonable to be wryly amused/slightly miffed? Not the first time it's happened and always men that say it.

Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with working in administration either btw.

I get this sort of thing in my male-dominated hobby. At regional society events, most of them assume I'm there because I'm someone's wife.

I’m a solicitor and if I say I work at a solicitors firm they almost always assume I’m a secretary. Again, not a problem but it’s an assumed default

@brookstar - or maybe she interprets babysitting as I do - staying home during your children’s sleeping hours in case they wake up.

@Heygal I'm a solicitor too.

If I say:
"I work at a law firm" or
"I work at Greedy Lawyers & Co"
Then I get "oh, are you a secretary or paralegal?"

But I don't like to say "I'm a solicitor" because people (GP, beauty therapist etc) then get worried I'm going to sue them.

That's being a parent. It's not babysitting.

I agree, I don’t want to necessarily bring to someone’s attention as I think they might consider me to have lots of money. I’m 1 year qualified - so defo not! I also don’t think it’s appropriate sometimes as people think I’m being superior by having a particular job title.

i do however accept the assumption when I call up and blame the fee earner for the mistake…. With them not knowing I am said fee earner 🤣

I agree with this.
Whenever anyone asks my DB what he does, he tells them he "works in a factory".
I don't know if he thinks he's being a smart arse or what, but he's actually the COE of the SE Asia operation of a global manufacturing company (or something).
I think his "I work in a factory" response makes him out to be a complete twat if I'm honest.

"I think his "I work in a factory" response makes him out to be a complete twat if I'm honest."

I know somebody he used to always answer 'post boy' because that was oh so hilarious. Came from a country with an extremely well defined class system and he thought it was totally ridiculous that someone who worked in the post room could be in the social groups he was in.

Do they? I never did, I just said I worked at X University. (I was a research associate.)

But @JockTamsonsBairns your DB is presumably actually lying rather than just being vague isn't he?

I think if you were a lecturer, you would say "I'm a lecturer at a university" or if you worked in security or a cleaner you would say your job title but most administrators would say "I work at a university" plus admin work is something a worker at a university would do regardless of their position like librarian, I.T or food staff. I'm a designer but admin work is part of my job sometimes. If I instead said I work in a fashion company people would easily think I'm admin or sales. I think the man just didn't know any other roles within a university. There just isn't enough evidence to know what he implied so I wouldn't be offended.

You have an inferiority complex, get over it, don't look for problems !

Yes, he is lying, and I've no idea what his motivation is.
All I can think of is that we come from a very working class background, and I wonder if he feels uncomfortable with his success in some way?
I really don't know. He and I aren't really close, so it's not a conversation we've had.

Not necessarily. Nobody would ask if you other half was at home being a parent, as though by going out for a drink you were no longer a parent.

Not necessarily. Nobody would ask if you other half was at home being a parent, as though by going out for a drink you were no longer a parent.

So do you say your husband is at home babysitting? Really? Isn't he just at home with the kids?

In my experience, and from what I've witnessed, nobody EVER asks men who is looking after their children when they're out without their partners. But women regularly get asked who has the kids, and if their partner is 'babysitting'.
I've also heard men refer to it as babysitting when they resent the fact they have to actually be a parent.

I've never, ever heard a woman refer to looking after her own children as 'babysitting'.

"I've never, ever heard a woman refer to looking after her own children as 'babysitting'."

I have. She wasn't a native speaker though and people did pick her up on it.

@brookstar - so you are making assumptions based on your own experiences, then, despite finding assumptions offensive.

No, I'm drawing conclusions from what I've experienced and witnessed. It also gets mentioned a lot on MN. It's not a new thing.

You REALLY like the word assumption don't you 😉 I've never seen it used so much on one thread!!

I have. She wasn't a native speaker though and people did pick her up on it.

Exactly, it's not generally seen as being a favourable term to describe looking after your own children.

@brookstar - and I have drawn conclusions from what I have experienced and witnessed. My conclusion is that it is pointless and unhealthy to take offence and assume sexism as easily as some posters on Mumsnet do. Even if it is usually sexist to say or do something in a particular way, that doesn’t mean it is always sexist and must always cause offence in every context. There is no important point to be made, and no battle to be won, in a conversation between an elderly man and a middle aged woman on a train platform, it is just an attempt to converse, make human connections and pass the time of day. There was also no need for my husband to object to someone asking if I was being the babysitter that evening for the kids, or to ask why it had been phrased that way, instead of asking if I was at home looking after the kids (which means exactly the same thing) - it’s not an offensive word and to me carries no negative connotations when used to refer to me staying in for the night. It is only offensive if intended to be offensive - otherwise it is just a description of what someone is doing. It is far, far more loaded and judgemental to say you are “being a parent” if you stay in with the kids, as that implies you are not acting like a parent if you ever leave them in someone else’s care, even the other parent’s.

There's nothing wrong with working in administration and it's an essential role. However... working in a university, I can usually (not always) tell an academic from an administrator through their general appearance and demeanour. Male or female.

Are you a female academic or clinician then @SurfBox ?

Because I can assure it more commonly occurs than doesn't.

As I said in a PP, this systemic untitling of women (and POC) causes workplace inequality and has real world consequences in terms of career progression, promotions, and pay.

Yup ^^

Just one of many many reports from women all saying the same thing.

I frequently see an exasperated tweet from a female academic on twitter, questioning why they've been detitled in a media article but the men have been unaffected. I'm glad women are speaking up about it now.

People need to stop being so offended by every little thing someone says. The man was probably just making conversation and didn’t think too much into it because people of “his generation” didn’t get offended so easily! Just tell him what you do and feel pride in doing so rather than wasting time and energy being offended by something that probably wasn’t intended to cause offence!

So much “causal” sexism around. The other day I took my BMW to the garage for its service. I think it’s worth pointing out it was the official BMW garage and the woman on the desk said to me “when it’s ready shall I call Mr spaceshiphaslanded to arrange payment”?
I was quite taken a back by that!! 1) I have a wife. 2) my dad hasn’t paid for my car in over 20 years…although I did suggest I’d give her his number 😂

why did she assume a female could have and pay for her own BMW??? Why did this even cross her mind?