Would men just put their kids into care?

[MustdrinkmoreH2O]

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

@Trytoavoidthebastardbus

You'd think huh.

I know a man who had a child with his partner. Both of them were drug addicts and they decided one day one would get high and the other one would look after the baby and the next day they would switch. He got one morning to find his partner had all ready taken the drugs that should have been his that morning. Then he heard the baby crying so he went through and saw to his baby daughter.

At that moment something in him snapped and he realised he wanted to look after his child more than he wanted drugs. He would tell you choosing to look after his child and not taking drugs again was incredibly difficult but slowly slowly got easier as time went on. He eventually got full custody of his child and was and his still an excellent single father even though his child is now in their 20s.

Many would, yes. Not all of course.
You only have to see though, how many trot off to their parents when in sole charge of their DC for the day. The vast majority don't even do 50/50 when relationships fail.

Ah, but Mumsnet folk law states that dr appointments and a trip to the dentist are akin to running Mars inc.😂

Arrrggggghhhhh nooooooo plenty men step up to the plate (my own dad included) he changed from shifts to 9-5 and sacrificed loads so we didn’t miss out on anything. Plenty single mums work full time and rely on family/friends for childcare too and plenty mums suck at parenting unfortunately.

Would say yes probably toddler groups are normally attended by mums (we have 2 dads regularly attends ours as mums work that day and another 1 normally does baby swimming not mum) but I think its a big leap to say just because you don’t see men at groups it means they aren’t as capable of bringing up children as women. Know my DH would feel really uncomfortable sitting in a room full of women and their kids and would rather take DS for a walk or to the park on his day off.

My brother in law was left with a baby and 2 year old at the age of 21 when his wife abandoned them all, he never considered putting them in care. My DH would never put ours I to care either. I can't imagine any of the men I know doing that to their DC.

One of my closest friends raised his two children alone after his alcoholic wife left them. He worked full time (shift work) and raised the kids alone without family help, drove them to extra curricular activities, managed the house did everything by himself and raised two happy well adjusted kids who are now in their 20s.

I think it’s complicated. Overall I agree that if women walked out on families to the same extent men walk out on families and you compared the rates at which men stepped up to the rates at which women step up you’d find a sharp difference. But I also think we also see far less childcare by men because as a society we view it with suspicion and make it harder for them to do that, so they take a back seat even when they’re happy to do a lot more or would be as capable as many women if they had the same expectation and encouragement. And that’s partly because women cling to the childcare role.

I know a few men who are the main carers for their children, both where they are still with the mother or the mother has died and one where they are split. But I know a much greater number of women. And I know quite a few men who only see their kids EOW but would like 50/50, I don’t know any women who have less than 50/50. And the replacement wife/girlfriend does seem to happen too, even with men who have only part time care, but it also seems that women who partner up with men with children put pressure on to take that role.

At the same time I think we over estimated the extent to which women really step up a bit. There is a lot of neglect that goes on where women are the main carer but are not really stepping up, they just have the kids in their care more. And while I think men would probably be more likely to hand the kids off to SS or relatives (and SS & relatives would probably be more likely to take the kids over pressuring the father to keep them the way they would do with the mother), I think it’s this sort of neglect you’d get most of with men not stepping up too.

👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

Wow, could you imagine if a similar thread was written in such a misogynistic tone? Stop generalising, being sexist and good god get yourself away from your small town friendship group if it's giving you such a warped view of gender roles.

My friend’s dad brought her and her younger sister up after their mum went off with another man —- and that would have been 1959/60.
I knew a man whose wife died ( cancer) about 15 years ago. Their little girl was only two and he said in a moment of panic he thought she might be better off being adopted as he hadn’t a clue where to start with potty training etc… It was just a wobble, he managed well and they became a great team.

When I did some genealogy I found a mum who died young, leaving 5 daughters ( no sons) ( early 1900s) The youngest child stayed with the father, who moved into very overcrowded housing with extended family. I tracked the older 4 ( all aged under 10 ) to an orphanage (Industrial School) and then onto a ship which took over 100 children to Canada. They had long lives, the youngest who stayed in England died aged 25 ☹️
I suppose this shows that’s through history some fathers have stepped up where their means allows , with varying success.

All the men I know who are no longer with the mother of children only see the kids for a couple of hours every other week, and even then they normally take the kids to their parents (the kids paternal grandparents) home, so they aren't really caring for their children. These men are bankers, doctors, policemen, a teacher and construction workers, all have secure jobs, somewhere safe to live, and money to provide for their kids, but they just don't see raising children as something they have to do, so yeah, I think most men would give the children to someone else.

@tillytown

How many of those mens ex demanded 50/50 care post spilt or that the men be the resident parent?

A lot of men would step up. I know a few men in my life that have and are great dads.

mum no longer around due to abandonment or death and the dads took over sole care.

don’t generalise

Of course it is a problem with society. It is true that attitudes and work places make it harder for men to do the domestic stuff.

However, every time men complain (or women complain on men’s behalf!) about, say, lack of paternity leave or lack of changing facilities in men’s loos or surprised attitudes to men at toddlers groups, there seems to be this assumption that it’s women’s fault, that somehow mean women are making things hard for poor dads.

The irony is, of course, that it’s our totally ingrained patriarchal systems, designed and perpetuated for the good of men over countless centuries that have brought us to this state of play! Taking care of children and doing the domestic drudgery was not an exclusive privilege- it was the unpaid skivvy work left for the second-class citizens - women! So if men are finding it hard to break down that stigma now, it’s a bit rich to blame it on women…

I'd have no issue with that thread if statistics showed women abandoned their children at the same rate as men do, and if men took responsibility to the extent that women do.

I think it varies location wise and generation wise.
I do the majority of child care in our family. Partners job means he is away long hours so unable to do childcare as easily. However, if something happened to me he would not be able to work same job. We have life insurance for this situation.

I have a friend who is full time Dad to the children after the mum had a breakdown. he had to give up his job and now works around the school day obv this had huge impact on his income but that is life.

In our community I would say the school run is done 45% mother 40% father and 15% other (relative, childminder etc).

Men may slack off when possible - but I’m sure they would step up if they could.
Look at all the men who want more custody of their kids - of course on this site they would be said to be avoiding CM but that’s not reality.

My mother left when I was about 10. She did EOW. We cohabited with grandparents so they looked after me for a bit and then my dad got a new women fairly quickly and expected her to do all the dealing with me whilst he worked as much as possible. She didn’t. I don’t think I had doctors, dentist or hair cut till I left home at 16. I had to cook for myself and do my own laundry from the age of 13ish. I wore clothes that were too small or cousins hand me downs and had holes in my shoes.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d have been better off in care but probably not.

I know my husband would absolutely take care of the children if something happened to me (died or got really really sick) but I think it would be him doing EOW if we split up. No idea what he would do if I left and refused to be main carer. Probably what my dad did, get a new female in asap.

I have known quite a lot of single dads over the years (dads of children I have taught) and they certainly wouldn’t have given up their children! The children who are in care, or have grandparents as main carers, generally have problems with both parents. Usually drug addiction and /or mental health problems.

Women do have a tendency to have an ' it's me way or the highway ' approach to parenting tho. The amount of martyring and pettiness I see on here is ridiculous. My dp learned how.to be a.dad.the same.way.I.did, by having a baby handed to him then left to it. A lot of.women just won't do that then moan a few years down the line when their kids dad has.morphed into someone who can't do right for doing wrong and their kid only feels secure with them.🙄

@OddSockQueen

Its not part of a patriarchal system that women get more custody after a split despite it often being said that it is. Actually in a patriarchal system the man would always get custody and the house, as happened up until the 70’s - women getting custody in general was actually a result of womens groups advocation for such. And I’m sure men would like custody more now and push for it - but again it’s not patriarchal society preventing them, it’s absolutely the pushback on it from womens groups.

@OddSockQueen

Its not blame.

Its acknowledging that lots of women don't want men involved. They don't wanted better pat leave or for more men to go part time

Cause then they'd have to work.

And obviously it's all down to the patriarchy etc but sheesh have you ever tried suggesting that sahms might not he making a free choice? Or that societal and cultural roles are responsible for the stats on childcare/single parents rather than the idea that women are better suited to parenting?

It doesn't go down well.

Women (it would seem) don't want me to take on more 'drudgery' any more than men do.

@PutinSmellsPassItOn

I've seen loads of women moaning their ohs don't look after their kids.

But if asked why they don't just leave them to it, there's loads of (rubbish excuses)

Oh. He wouldn't be able to dress them (wtf)

He wouldn't know how to feed them.

He wouldn't know when they went to school.

Load of nonsense

My mum left, I wasn't dumped into care by my Dad.

Why do you think that generally Dad's don't care?

A previous relationship my exDP's kids lived 50/50 and he had to fight for it.

Everyone is individual and you can't generalise how people deal with situations according to their gender 🙄