Would men just put their kids into care?

[MustdrinkmoreH2O]

Would be interested to know peoples thoughts on this.

since having my baby and going to a lot of baby groups and mixing with other mothers and reading these forums In can safely say a high proportion of men (not all of course), see child rearing as women primary responsibility.

Women tend to be the default parent in the events of splits and men having EOW or even just walking away completely.

So I was thinking, if women suddenly acted like men in this regard and literally left men holding the baby, what would honestly happen to a lot of children?

If women suddenly stopped carrying the mental load so didn’t book in any kind of medical appointment or arrange play dates or buy new clothes, what would honestly happen?

One of my friends is dating a single dad (mum walked out), but his parents practically raised the kids as he worked away. So still pretty much saw them only at weekends. However if a man leaves a woman with a baby, in normal circumstances she’d just find a new job where she didn’t work away, reduce hours of needed and use paid childcare. They wouldn’t normally hand their kids over to others to raise 80% of the time because they had to work.

So I’m really interested to see what a lot of men would do if the roles were reversed. If women literally just walked out or stopped carrying any mental load type stuff relating to the kids. Would men leave their jobs if required or go part time and claim universal credit?

Would the majority step up as women do and stop their hobbies, arrange childcare and extracurricular activities and basically fully give themselves to parenthood? Would they realise their kids need new vests, socks and tshirts or need a dental check up?

Or

Would they hand over their kids to grandparents/family members to be primarily raised or if failing that, put them into care? Would they do the bare minimum so kids are literally fed, watered and taken to school but other than that left to their own devices with no activities or medical appointments arranged or assemblies attended or well fitted clothes worn and basically be kind of neglected?

Be interested to know others thoughts on what would actually happen.

YABU - as many men as women would step up and look after their kids the same way single mothers do.

YANBU - unfortunately most men would try and shirk as much responsibility of child rearing sometimes even resulting in the care system if their were no willing people to become primary cater.

I was another who spent a lot of time working away from home. DH was main carer for our girls. It was a problem as he was often viewed with suspicion at nursery/school by the mums. When there was a problem with one of the girls they would call me and I would then call him ( they did have his details but still called me even though I was 2-300 miles away).
He did the housework, helped with homework, even got the sewing machine out when they needed costumes for school. I was away when we had 'first period' problems with one, he managed to calm her down and reassure her it was normal, she wasn't dying. A bit embarrassing but she was fine and they've turned out fine and have always been daddies girls.

Having been on mumsnet for a while it still surprises me how many people have dreadful mums.

Unless your child is ill often , you don't need doctors appointments

It depends - historically some men had children taken off them and put into care if they had too many children - e.g. 7 or more.

Personally myself, I know of one single dad who brought up his 3 DDs aged 13 months, 3 and 5 years after their deadbeat druggie/alcoholic mother (who's desperately trying to prove she's turned her life around years later) all by himself - until they turned teenagers and tried (all unsuccessfully) to live with their mother. He was the one who fed, clothed, washed etc them and it's only in past 6-7 years ago that he met his current GF and had a son with her (eldest DD is 21). He did have help sometimes from his family (and sister of the mum) but on the whole was by himself.

the statistics from Gingerbread:

Around 90 per cent of single parents are women; the proportion who are men has remained at around 10 per cent for over a decade (i)

Single fathers are more than three times as likely to be widowed than single mothers (7 per cent compared with 2 per cent) (v)

I think men are just as capable as women to care for children

but I agree society assumes they aren’t. I haven’t read all the comments here but there is another thread about a mum who no longer wants to raise her baby - the dad has asked the grandmother to go to court so they have 50-50 responsibility. He works and couldn’t also look after a baby.

the comments on that thread are fascinating. Lots of people say poor young man - can’t be expected to take on a baby all on his own.

@Felix125 I only know two men who have gone part-time to care for children. One was brilliant, but he was already a nursery worker, so no surprise there. The other constantly phoned his wife at work to ask what he should do and according to her, did no housework at all. If I had been the latter woman, I would not have wanted him to go part time either. He created a massive amount of stress for the mother.

I think as the Children become older it's easier for a dad to have a larger role. DDs father was useless until about the age of 5, our parenting is now split 50/50 at the age of 9.

You are stereotyping. I have know several families where the father was the main or only carer.

One became a widower when the children were young . One did virtually everything because the mother worked abroad for long stints at a time. One earned less than his wife so it made sense for him to be the stay at home parent.

In all cases the children are/were very well looked after.

@antelopevalley

Did you share care with your kids dad (if you have kids)

If not, why not?

That is fascinating. Of course, he could look after his baby by himself.

When DS was small and in and out of hospital DH and I would swap over every 24h. The only time we didn't was when he was a newborn when I stayed with him to establish BFing (although actually DH stayed with him the night he was on a drip, I was told not to BF so I went home for a full nights sleep to help me recover from giving birth). We are unusual though since we both have flexible employers and earn similar amounts.

Having spoken to other parents while in hospital many employers can be shockingly unsuppportive of parents who ask for short notice time off to go to hospital with a sick child. Also, children's wards are mixed sex and some mothers will feel more comfortable if there are no men on the ward overnight.

Anti-natal wards are mixed sex with fathers able to stay overnight. I think that is an irrelevant issue on children's wards. Both parents have the same legal entitlements to dependency leave.

Having spoken to other parents while in hospital many employers can be shockingly unsuppportive of parentS

i think generally workplaces in particular are unsupportive of men taking time off for children.

dh often is asked “can’t your wife do it” when he says he needs to leave early/take time off for child related issues. His is a male dominated industry and nearly all the men have sah partners.

me, on the other hand, never gets asked if my husband can take time off with the sick child.

I suspect they would often dump the children on their own Mother as in the example you mentioned. There are some fantastic Father’s in the world but a lot of men are definitely propped up by the Mum and would be completely lost without her.

@FourChimneys
You are stereotyping. I have know several families where the father was the main or only carer.

Basing opinions on statistics is not ‘stereotyping’.

Anecdotes are all very well, but they don’t change statistical data.

I have been thinking about this while on holiday abroad. Our primary aged child developed a problem (repeated heavy nosebleeds) that in my opinion was serious enough to see a doctor. This was a hassle as while I speak the language a little, I don't do so well enough to do it on the phone with the right medical vocab. I also got her some medicine from a pharmacy after asking a friend what the right thing was, and then some more medicine recommended by the doctor.

DH is a kind, caring and attentive father. Would he have done this? Nope, they'd have just soldiered on stuffing tissues up.

But then, like many men, he ignores his own medical needs as much as possible.

I know for sure if I were to keel over, he'd parent our DD reasonably well (although he'd struggle with medical, emotional and organisational stuff) and that women would fall over themselves to help him! My DM would probably not help me much if I were widowed. She would certainly help him more.

@Reallyreallyborednow

I always ask my female staff if their male ohs can take time off instead of them

They pretty much always say no or they haven't even considered it.

Perhaps his or her family could have at least offered to babysit once in a while. The guy didn't even get a phone call, not once !.

i think generally workplaces in particular are unsupportive of men taking time off for children.

It can go one of two ways. Often yes, men are expected to work FT in many cases. But DH and I have both found that men who work PT are more highly regarded than women who work PT in both our (by most standards very progressive) work places.

@Pyewhacket Nit to even get a phone call after your wife died is very unusual. Relationships must already have been poor in some way, because that is not normal.

That seems unnecessary surely all your employees are adults who have considered the options before asking for time off.

There is an interesting aside in Melinda Gates book, about Bill. At one point he started driving one of their kids to daycare because it was the opposite direction to a new job she'd got. Suddenly lots of other dads started dropping off and picking up. 'If Bill Gates can do it...'

I knew someone whose father remarried (I think her mum died) and she and her siblings were put into care because he didn't want them in his new family. This would be in the 1960s though.

I know what my dad would have done if my mother had died or ran off because he did it with my half sister.

Her mother got fed up with my dad and ran off for a bit (she did come back). Dad got my grandmother to look after my sister. By all accounts my sister had an utterly miserable time.

I think most men would get their parents to help take over completely

My DM walked out one day and left 3 DC with my dad. He stepped up and looked after us.