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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No privacy from teenager

134 replies

Fgstd · 21/07/2022 17:31

This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

OP posts:
Threetulips · 21/07/2022 17:33

It’s not illegal!

Tell her to mind her own and she’s not to poke around!

SecretVictoria · 21/07/2022 17:34

I’d be telling her to wind her neck in! What damn business is it of hers. Cheeky madam! You don’t need to explain anything to her.

ComDummings · 21/07/2022 17:35

She’s a child, don’t let her treat you like you’re one.

Staynow · 21/07/2022 17:36

You feel like she's 'obsessed' with what you're doing because you've been caught out. You're trying to make out the problem is her and put the blame onto her when the problem is you're smoking and you don't want your kids to know. Don't try to blame the kids because you feel guilty.

rainbowduck · 21/07/2022 17:36

She loves you. It's very bad to smoke. She will be feeling many emotions, not only anger that you have hidden this from her.

You know this.

Go and give her a hug and talk it out.

Bonheurdupasse · 21/07/2022 17:37

If it was anyone else at all - partner, parents etc her behaviour would be termed abusive. Tell her that.

FeliciaFancybottom · 21/07/2022 17:37

‘you need to explain what this is’

I'd have laughed and said "not to you I don't", then closed the subject. You don't owe her explanations but you do owe it to her to teach her about boundaries and minding her own bloody business. She's going to be extremely disliked if she tries that on with friends, future colleagues etc.

luxxlisbon · 21/07/2022 17:38

It probably looks worse to her that you are hiding things and sneaking around. You obviously aren’t being as subtle as you think you are.

Original poster
Fgstd · 21/07/2022 17:39

Staynow · 21/07/2022 17:36

You feel like she's 'obsessed' with what you're doing because you've been caught out. You're trying to make out the problem is her and put the blame onto her when the problem is you're smoking and you don't want your kids to know. Don't try to blame the kids because you feel guilty.

It’s not caught out though when you are on the phone and to take a private call I have to go in the car as she hoovers outside my bedroom door listening. Or I say I’m going yo Tesco and get a call after 10 minutes - she can track me on the iPhone app - my letters are examined etc

absolutely nothing to be insecure about from her side

who opens a dog poo bag?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 21/07/2022 17:41

I would also have been saying to her, 'I don't have to explain anything about that to you my dear'. I mean, she's going through the rubbish?! 1. Why? And 2. Who the hell does she think she is, in terms of this relationship?!

FergusSingsTheBluess · 21/07/2022 17:41

my children give me crap too

the annoying thing is I only smoke socially ie when drinking and that’s not even on a weekly basis, more like monthly

we all know how bad it is and therefore … haven’t got a leg to stand on

FeliciaFancybottom · 21/07/2022 17:41

And tell her to stop going through the bin, that's just bloody weird.

Original poster
Fgstd · 21/07/2022 17:42

luxxlisbon · 21/07/2022 17:38

It probably looks worse to her that you are hiding things and sneaking around. You obviously aren’t being as subtle as you think you are.

Firstly im not sneaking around. Two cigarettes in the garden whilst they kids are at all at school and im on holiday - I’d not sneaking around. I was subtle but careful as she has form for this (going through handbag etc )

OP posts:
Rinatinabina · 21/07/2022 17:42

Yeah this is oppressive, must feel suffocating.

mbosnz · 21/07/2022 17:42

And you don't have to answer her questions. As to eavesdropping - eavesdroppers never do hear any good of themselves.

EL8888 · 21/07/2022 17:43

@FeliciaFancybottom well, quite. I wouldn’t be explaining anything. I would be telling her to back off and give me some space

Rinatinabina · 21/07/2022 17:44

Is her dad around? Does she worry something will happen to you?

Anothernamechangeplease · 21/07/2022 17:44

She sounds anxious.

She will have been told in school how bad smoking is for your health, and she is probably concerned and confused as to why you're doing it. And probably a bit Hmm about your efforts to hide it.

Of course, you can smoke if you want to. You're an adult and it isn't illegal. I wouldn't try to hide it though. Be honest with your daughter, and she will respect you more.

FWIW, my friend was a secret smoker for years. She thought her dd didn't know. Then she discovered that her dd was secretly smoking too. When she challenged her dd on it, the dd threw it back in her face and said "well, you do it". She had known for years. Be grateful that your dd is talking to you about it and not just going off and copying in secret herself.

Badgirlriri · 21/07/2022 17:45

You need to remind her you’re the adult and she is the child. I would not put up with this from anyone.

Maray1967 · 21/07/2022 17:45

You need a hard talk with her about privacy and a reminder that you are her parent. If she snoops on you, she needs to receive consequences. I’d take her phone off her for starters.

Badgirlriri · 21/07/2022 17:45

Even reading it makes me feel claustrophobic

SirenSays · 21/07/2022 17:46

That sounds suffocating. What did you say when she demanded an explanation?

mbosnz · 21/07/2022 17:48

How would she feel if you went through her bedroom and backpack, demanded to know who she was talking to, stood there clearly listening while she was talking with someone, and rang her every fifteen minutes she was gone, demanding to know where she was and when she was getting back, and clearly sniffing at her clothes when ostensibly giving her a hug?

My girls would go OFF THEIR NUT at me, if I did that. With good reason.
I'd go OFF MY NUT at them, if they did that to me. With good reason.

Anothernamechangeplease · 21/07/2022 17:50

Re the letters and the phone calls, I agree that a chat about privacy is in order.

I'd be concerned about why she is behaving like this, though. It isn't typical teen behaviour for 15yo girls to monitor their parents in this way. Most of them are far too preoccupied with their friends at that age. I would be wondering what else was going on for her makes her feel the need to be so controlling.

Goawayangryman · 21/07/2022 17:50

On the face of it this makes me want to go arrrrgh! On your behalf.

However, I agree with others. She sounds anxious and like she might have assumed a parentifying role. In the past, have you given her any cause to doubt you? Has anything happened that would maybe lead to her not trusting you?

Obviously this is not a good response from her but if there is background it might be a bit more understandable.