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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

No privacy from teenager

134 replies

Fgstd · 21/07/2022 17:31

This is a one off but I’m venting really. Been through an awful couple of days and had a couple of cigarettes yesterday in the garden whilst the kids were at school. Showered after, washed clothes and brushed teeth.
15 year is normally pretty good but obsessed with what are you doing, where are you going, who are you talking to on the phone etc - we have spoken about it as it feels like I’m being stalked and tracked all the time, at times. It just a little bit too much - she is not insecure and happily buggered off all
day today leaving me ringing her phone multiple times to see where she was and her ignoring me. But if I pop to Tesco after 15 minutes she’s calling - how long are you going to be - where are you?

yesterday evening multiple times asked for a hug, which wouldn’t be abnormal if she didn’t smell me repeatedly.

Tonight I Put the black bin out for collection. I had carefully collected the end and tied them in a dog poo bag and put them in the bin. She goes out to do the recycling - she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

she then tells the younger one - FFS
why do I feel so so so so
guilty and upset 😠

I’ve not said anything to her, feeling like the worse mothers in the world right now

OP posts:
ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 22/07/2022 10:43

she’s going through the bin and opens the dog poo bag and opens it and brings in the cigarette ends and says ‘you need to explain what this is’

You need to explain she does not talk to her mother like that! Seriously, she sounds tyrannical, and you should not be obeying a teenager.

Gymnopedie · 22/07/2022 10:47

All those PPs saying she must be anxious about something, she needs reassurance that her mum is safe, is worried about her mum's health etc seem to be overlooking this bit:

we have had multiple conversations about her over-ruling me with her sibling. Eg I’ll say no more juice and then I turn about and she is getting them juice etc often down to seemingly undermine - that has been going on for a few years

Maybe she just is bossy and controlling. And her behaviour should be addressed - hard.

SleepingAgent · 22/07/2022 11:04

Wetsummers · 22/07/2022 06:11

Whether it’s anxiety or not isn’t the point, is it? It’s still not acceptable behaviour, no matter what is fuelling it.

There are any number of unpleasant behaviours that could be because of anxiety but they are still wrong.

Yes. You can try to help her with any underlying anxiety while ALSO asserting very very firm boundaries over privacy, your younger child and not answering questions that are NONE of her business. She needs to stop trying to be the parent and you need to show her that you ARE in charge.

Eeksteek · 22/07/2022 11:29

It dues sound as though there is a lot going on here.

You’re a single parent and NC with your father. Her immediate family is significantly reduced. No one’s fault, but it feels she doesn’t have much automatic back up. You’re it, really, aren’t you? so she’s going to be more over invested in you.

You described her as like Sheldon. Isn’t Sheldon autistic? It does sound like she’s struggling with family roles and social norms, which is quite classically autistic. And in girls we often see that they mask very effectively until social relationships get more complex in teen years and they can’t mask, or masking becomes so effortful that it tears them up.

It’s not acceptable behaviour, and you should definitely retain your privacy and not change your behaviour to accommodate hers. Punish her if you like, but try to understand that she’s showing you boundaries are hard for her and wonder why. I suspect you will not see much change unless you address the root cause.

Also remember that at 15 your relationship is transitioning into adult relationship. She will expect, sometimes fairly and sometimes not, to be treated like an adult. You can’t always choose that - especially when she’s behaving like a child. But very soon you won’t have power any more. Only influence. And if you rely on power and punishment to change behaviour, it’s hard to develop genuine influence. Especially if you are asking for something you aren’t giving. That’s why the smoking is so hard. It is something an adult who loves you would also be concerned about, and yes you can do it if you want. But, very soon, so can she. And she knows that. She was probably shocked and scared.

I’ll never forget seeing my mother drink alone for the first time. We we brought up around social drinking, in itself it was no big deal. But when I saw her drink alone, at home, on a school night for the first time I was HORRIFIED! I mean, she’d probably been doing it for years when I was in bed, and my dad worked some nights and really it was nothing. But I was SO worried. She might die. She’d need a liver transplant. She was an alcoholic, we’d lose our home, she’d lose her job, she was an actual person who didn’t obey all the rules and sometimes did stuff she told me I shouldn’t! OMG!

Of course it was fine. I was a dramatic teen discovering my mother was not perfect. It made me anxious and scared. I don’t know where picked up the idea about drinking alone, but I imagine any teen could easily feel like that about cigarettes. And of course if she has a couple, you won’t have a moral leg to stand on, now. You can’t say it’s ok for adults. If you really thought it was you wouldn’t be hiding it.

The line between privacy (which is normal and expected) and secrecy (which implies illicit behaviour) is very fine and quite variable by person. It’s a hard line to walk. I don’t envy you finding it. You are ABSOLUTELY entitled to privacy and to curb her behaviour, although I expect a consequences route will create further issues. But secrecy is unhelpful for children and often makes them more anxious. It often involves nuance that is beyond them. It’s tempting to view this as controlling behaviour, and in an adult it would be. But she isn’t quite an adult. It’s tough. I hope you can find more heave fur both if you, and I think some outside help would be useful guidance if you can access it.

CounsellorTroi · 22/07/2022 11:35

Staynow · 21/07/2022 17:36

You feel like she's 'obsessed' with what you're doing because you've been caught out. You're trying to make out the problem is her and put the blame onto her when the problem is you're smoking and you don't want your kids to know. Don't try to blame the kids because you feel guilty.

If the daughter was smoking and the OP was behaving like this everyone would be saying her behaviour was way OTT.

billy1966 · 22/07/2022 11:45

There is a difference in my view to punishment and consequences.

I always speak in terms on consequences.

You choose that behaviour, you accept the consequences..........and I always follow through.

The consequences of this teens behaviour is that she will ultimately alienate those around her.

If she has anxiety then that is something that you can help her with.

However, she doesn't get to become a terrorist in YOUR home, trampling on your basic right to privacy.

Threetulips · 22/07/2022 12:42

if the daughter was smoking and the OP was behaving like this everyone would be saying her behaviour was way OTT

But the daughter isn’t old enough to smoke me the adult has a responsibility. The daughter isn’t in charge.

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 22/07/2022 13:23

SleepingAgent · 22/07/2022 11:04

Yes. You can try to help her with any underlying anxiety while ALSO asserting very very firm boundaries over privacy, your younger child and not answering questions that are NONE of her business. She needs to stop trying to be the parent and you need to show her that you ARE in charge.

This. Very important to establish perfectly reasonable rules and boundaries. Your DD1 very clearly wants to dominate and control your household. You have to make it clear you are her mother and she can rule her own household when she has one.

Severntrent · 22/07/2022 13:32

Eeksteek · Today 11:29

It dues sound as though there is a lot going on here.

This post has some really great advice in. You are very wise Eeksteek! Particularly agree that power and punishment not likely to be helpful.

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